Days are Becoming Rough

[JenniferB]

It was a rough day today, actually it's been rough since the government shutdown. Not because of the desire to drink, but because I have a very uncertain future. The job I've had for over 16 years is going away soon. I don't know if the company is going to relocate me. I find that doubtful, they have laid off a lot of employees the last few years.

What will happen if I'm laid off and not able to take hormones? I would lose the opportunity for surgery, watch myself slowly turn back into a male. And even if I wanted to live as a male, I have C cups and all my documentation says I'm female. It's a very scary time, and it has really occupied the space in my head. And Thanksgiving is not going to be enjoyable to me because the place I work will be closed the day after, and I probably won't get paid. My co-workers got back pay, I didn't and had to use all my vacation time and holiday time. The fear comes and goes. It's like a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. I'm trying to follow step 3 of the 12 steps, but it's hard to find faith. Sometimes I get paralyzed with anxiety.

My sponsor in AA told me I needed to call other members when I feel I need the help. I will do that believing my sponsor can see that this will help. But I still don't see how that is going to calm my anxiety of an uncertain future. I've isolated myself so much that the people in AA are all I have.

Jenny

[Charlize]

Jennifer dear. You are getting yourself trapped with what my first sponsor called a magic alcoholic magnifying mind. I used to take an argument with my wife about dinner and soon my mind would take all of the problems of the world and i'd see myself loosing the farm and living in a cardboard box under a bridge. One of the simple little slogans is one day at a time.

Deal with today and the future will care for itself. Everyones future is uncertain. I've got a heart condition and can pop off anytime. Today was beautiful. Tomorrow starts in the morning. It took me many 24 hour days to actually find peace of mind in the program but it came. I kept saying the serenity prayer as it is outlined in the "12 And 12" . It ends with "your will not mine be done". Life comes at us and we have to surf through all the waves. The present problems will resolve themselves. I wish i could say that there will never be new ones but they come. My friends both in and out of the rooms and my higher power get me through daily.

Hugs,

Charlie

[JJ]

Wise words from Charlie for you Jennifer. It was a hard lesson for me to learn. In my family we joke that we have a worry gene but what it really is instead for us is feeling like we are accomplishing something by worrying instead of addressing what we can change today. It is a miserable way to handle life and I regret perhaps more than anything all the pleasure and happiness I let it steal from my life.. I'm about 15 years over my life expectancy and once I found the joy of life at last nearly lost it worrying about how late it was and that each day could be the last. As well as about the host of things that are the worst they have ever been because I got into such a bad condition before I transitioned

But I made myself stop and look at the day I am in and what it holds every time those thoughts intruded. It is a mental habit and because it is fear driven gains strength every time you give in to it. I also realized when I started worrying about the financial situation I am in that I have managed to get through every crisis in my life and still find both joy and peace. Things are not as I would wish them to be but I have the choice to let that make my life miserable or to focus on what is good and right and beautiful all around me.

Sometimes the taste of a favorite food is a pure joy to lift a moment-like that first sip of coffee in the morning -but more often it is the way the light shines through a leaf or the blue of the sky or the sound and smell of rain. There is always something. The size of my body even though it is never going to be exactly the one I want it is still s much better than I ever thought I would have and even that is something I savor to change focus.. There is a saying from "Auntie Mame" I often quote to myself. "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death". So true. I just keep reminding myself to partake of that feast rather than worrying it will be gone tomorrow. It will be different but it will only be gone for me if I refuse to see it there.

And it's okay to ask for help. That's what makes life good for some people-Being there when they are needed

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest]

Public assistance medical will pay for hormones, you will probably qualify if you loose your job. When I had to buy my own, they were not expensive. I ran out of money for a bit and had to take half the dose to stretch until I could get more. Maybe start networking through all the job programs now to get job leads and get your resume out there. If the job continues, tell any job prospects "Thanks but no thanks". I agree trust your higher power and do the foot work. You will make it through. Hug. JodyAnn

[JenniferB]

So... The head at the account I work at comes to talk with me this afternoon for about 15 minutes, and told me exactly what I needed to calm me down. I know it was an answer to a prayer. Her nickname is "mom" for a reason.

What's funny is I took the live one day at a time to heart, and acknowledged my shortcoming. Now I feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[Guest LizMarie]

I'm glad to hear that, Jennifer! *hugs*

[Charlize]

Jenn, I'm glad things are working out for now. It sounds as if you may be discovering what is meant in the expression…."drop the rock"

Hopefully peace will develop, but give it time. Changes sometimes take years to fully change our perceptions of the world. I was running on self will for so long. I have never had a big flash of light and change. Instead the peace i have found has come with time and prayer and needs daily maintenance.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

We need to be careful about cleaning up the wreckage of the future

God knows I know its tempting lol!

Michelle