Trying To Figure It Out

[Zoe of Tamriel]

It all started when I tried on a girl's shirt when I was eleven. Felt great - didn't get off on it or anything.

I didn't think anything of it for about a year, which by that time I started having certain feelings for other guys, which I have come to terms with in the matter of a month.

"Alright, so I'm gay, who also likes to cross-dress from time to time."

No big deal. Alright, well about a year after that when I was thirteen, I started feeling as if I should have been born a girl. I've had thoughts like this since I was seven, but it was always one of those things where, "Well, okay then." I never really got along well with guys until I git high school, but even now I still get along better with girls. When the thought of me just absolutely HAVING to be a girl grabbed hold of me and wouldn't let go, I got depressed, suicidal, and was even placed on medication for depression. I just HAD to be a girl, I felt like I could never be happy unless I was female. Lately, it's died down a lot to the point where it's like I'm absolutely comfortable being male, but the thought still hits my mind from time to time. I still cross-dress a lot. I don't get off on it, I just like how girly it makes me feel.

I just don't know. It's like as soon as I figure something out completely, something else pops up to go against it, and then I have to figure THAT part out, but then something else comes up.

[Charlize]

Thanks for sharing your attempt to understand. I certainly know those back and forth, male then female feelings. While at times they can overwhelm they also ease off. Each of us has his or her own path. Some choose the middle path. I and no one else can choose for you and get it right. While i often wished i never had gender swings i don't regret being myself or where my path has taken me. Therapy and reading about others here helped. Perhaps as much in knowing i was not alone as in finding a direction. Please give yourself time. No rush necessary. do your research and discuss your feelings here and with others. Your path will present itself on a daily basis. I and many others are here for you along the way.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest ChefErik93]

charlie, once again, your advice is spot on. i must agree and i love the term "gender swings". I too have these from time to time. sometimes it is over the course of a few days and sometimes it is over the course of a few hours. time, time, and more time seem to be the only cures to any distress i have with this process. going to therapy, being on here, talking to friends, and doing my own research has shed light on a lot of crucial information that has made a lot of this easier. while it has made some of this harder. When i first started this i wanted so desperately for someone to just tell me what i was...like they could tell from a two paragraph introduction. that isn't possible.

Verikx, your feelings are normal. it is ok to go back and forth. charlie is right, there are so many people here and in other places who are willing to listen and help you in any way possible. i hope to see more posts from you. good luck in this process!

Erik

[Guest Astrosmurf]

i must agree and i love the term "gender swings". I too have these from time to time. sometimes it is over the course of a few days and sometimes it is over the course of a few hours.

Me too. I felt a bit swamped by this just the other day. I talked about it with my therapsit and she helped me to see another side of it, which was that sometimes it's kind of reactionary to things happening in my life. For example the other day I was really down because my mother's rejecting me (at least for now) after I came out to her some months back and I tried to restart the contact and she sent a cold, short reply; at the same time I went to meet the leader of the local transgender support group and while she's an outgoing extravert who seems to be quite at home in her new gender role and who even does a lot of local politics, dealing with the media etc., I became very conscious of the way people were observing us, since she didn't pass at all well. While I admire her and want to give her 100% support in return I'd be a liar if I said I didn't feel really nervous and afraid when with her in public.

Verikx, maybe this will be interesting to you in light of what you posted here. In my experience, while those gender swings seem to come out of the blue, sometimes (for me) they're also motivated by patches of increased psychic and emotional discomfort -- or at least used to be, a lot of the time probably, before I became consciously aware of what the bigger picture was (gender dysphoria etc.). For a long time I assumed I must be gay too, before I started learning about 'transgender'. It caused me a lot of confusion because there was also that element of feeling that 'gay' somehow didn't fit correctly either. So Charlie's spot on about learning too, and definately how helpful it is to hear the experiences of others so we don't feel so alone in this.

I hope you continue to find increased clarity and support

[Guest football75ty]

It all started when I tried on a girl's shirt when I was eleven. Felt great - didn't get off on it or anything.

I didn't think anything of it for about a year, which by that time I started having certain feelings for other guys, which I have come to terms with in the matter of a month.

"Alright, so I'm gay, who also likes to cross-dress from time to time."

No big deal. Alright, well about a year after that when I was thirteen, I started feeling as if I should have been born a girl. I've had thoughts like this since I was seven, but it was always one of those things where, "Well, okay then." I never really got along well with guys until I git high school, but even now I still get along better with girls. When the thought of me just absolutely HAVING to be a girl grabbed hold of me and wouldn't let go, I got depressed, suicidal, and was even placed on medication for depression. I just HAD to be a girl, I felt like I could never be happy unless I was female. Lately, it's died down a lot to the point where it's like I'm absolutely comfortable being male, but the thought still hits my mind from time to time. I still cross-dress a lot. I don't get off on it, I just like how girly it makes me feel.

I just don't know. It's like as soon as I figure something out completely, something else pops up to go against it, and then I have to figure THAT part out, but then something else comes up.

I never got as low as you did in the feelings of depression but i do have the feeling of that i need to be a girl. i get not knowing the i am never as happy as i am when i dress. i just am trying to figure out what i can do in my life glad to know there is other people out there in simaller situations. i used to think that what i was doing was so out of the quote "normal" .

[Carolyn Marie]

Hon, you are at the age when hormones are really making themselves felt in your system, and you are undergoing the first of many changes to your body, both emotionally and physically. That makes the issue of gender feelings all the more difficult to figure out. Swings back and forth are to be expected, and it may take quite a while for you to really figure out which way is the path that will bring you peace of mind.

So, my advice is not to get too worried about it right now, if that's possible. However you feel today is likely not the way you'll feel a few months from now. Eventually, you may reach a point that you'll want to get expert advice and assistance from a gender therapist. But that's only if you are still uncertain, or believe yourself to be transgender, when you are 16-18 years old, and in a place where you need to make a decision. In the meantime, stay with us, read the forum threads, learn all you can, get some books on the subject from the library, and that will help you understand what all is involved in changing your gender. It is a very difficult process, with a lot of potential for losses and gains, and its not a decision to be made hastily.

You are young and have lots of time to figure this out. Relax and enjoy life, and don't worry so much about the gender stuff.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest April63]

I've felt these gender swings, too, and I think they're quite normal for the people here. I joined this site about five years ago, but I haven't been very active for the past two or three. I just stopped swinging in this direction, but now I've started again. I didn't choose the swing it either direction. It just happened, and now I'm looking for the best way to proceed. I think the best advice has already been given, and that is only you can determine the right path, and that takes time and the help of others, particularly a good therapist.

April