My world continues to collapse.

[Guest ChefErik93]

I am so damn lost right now. We all know it's the holidays and that puts undue stress on all of us. Well on too of my mom using again...they wouldn't take her into rehab because of insurance issues. So who know what she is up to. Plus my dysphoria is getting worse.

Now...yesterday morning...thanksgiving morning, I find out my girlfriend damn near cheated on me. I say that because she didn't actually do it. Her best friend who she talks to all the time...and who has had feelings for her for years. I've never been comfortable with how close they are and I have spidey sense so I've known something was up.

I saw a text from him basically talking about how our room still smelled like him and sex. So I asked her why that would be. She said (after I asked her 4 times) that when he sweats he smells like sex. They had been wrestling and so he had been sweating. I asked if they had in fact had sex and she said no. Said they hadn't even kissed. But she said she liked him and wanted to.

I am so broken. I can't think straight. I can't believe a word she says right now but I want to believe they haven't had sex. She won't let me see their conversations because it's "crossing a line into her privacy". Is that too much to ask? Should I say it's me or him? What should I do?!

Oh...and she blames it on me being trans. That because I want to be a man she needs to go out and get a real man...I guess?

Help

Erik

[VickySGV]

I fully agree that your plate is becoming much too full right now. I wish I really knew the answer for you, but I do not other than get yourself somewhere that people will be honest with you, and will help you get Mom off the list of your worries. Druggy gonna do druggy stuff until they do get the last glimmer of hope taken away and see why the need to get sober. I know your helpless feeling, because I did watch my mother die of cirrhosis of the liver from her drinking. She died 19 days before her first grandchild was born forty years ago.

I have no doubt in my mind that some of that contributed to your SO and her little set of issues. I also see some problems with the young lady's maturity factor. Be a gentleman though and take her word for it unless you suspect unprotected sex with someone infected with STD, in which case be sure you are protected here for a while. I know it is rough and feels like the world is caving in on you.

This is the roughest time of year, and even I am dealing with some holiday stress issues that I would gladly trade in on dying mule, so I could simply shoot the mule and put at least one of us out of our misery.

[Charlize]

Dear Erik, It sounds like your holidays are off to a fizz.

I would recommend that you go to an Alanon meeting in your area. If you googol it you will find one nearby. It really helps the SO's and children of addicts to accept and understand the addiction of loved ones and to handle the wreckage an addict creates.

I'm sorry about your girlfriend. Hopefully you can have a calm conversation with her. It is so hard when we love someone and allow them into our innermost lives. If she has only been attracted to women you may be causing her discomfort with your change. I had a friend who was almost banned from his social network when he transitioned. They couldn't believe he wanted to be a man. If that is the case you might have to move on. Hopefully however you can work it out if you want to. It is impossible to believe this in an emotional moment but the pain does pass and you will find a partner if this is not to be. Hang in there. Be true and honest to yourself.

We are here for letting off steam if you need to.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest ChefErik93]

thank you both very much. i just don't know how i can trust he again. im not upset that she has feelings for this guy...im mad that she lied to me about it for so long. she identifies as bisexual so i don't think my transition has been THAT big of a deal. i guess i should be a little extra careful with protection from here on out. there definitely is a maturity issue. she is 18 and has been kept from growing up the majority of her life. she is not handling this well. i want to fix it and she says she wants to fix it. she says she hasn't actually cheated on me in any way...just emotionally. i just don't know if i can trust her again. is it too much to ask to see her texts to and from him?

and i really should try alanon meetings again. i tried naranon and it didn't do anything for me. plus that was years ago. but i would be willing to try it again.

thanks,

Erik

[Flint]

I am so damn lost right now. We all know it's the holidays and that puts undue stress on all of us. Well on too of my mom using again...they wouldn't take her into rehab because of insurance issues. So who know what she is up to. Plus my dysphoria is getting worse.

Now...yesterday morning...thanksgiving morning, I find out my girlfriend damn near cheated on me. I say that because she didn't actually do it. Her best friend who she talks to all the time...and who has had feelings for her for years. I've never been comfortable with how close they are and I have spidey sense so I've known something was up.

I saw a text from him basically talking about how our room still smelled like him and sex. So I asked her why that would be. She said (after I asked her 4 times) that when he sweats he smells like sex. They had been wrestling and so he had been sweating. I asked if they had in fact had sex and she said no. Said they hadn't even kissed. But she said she liked him and wanted to.

I am so broken. I can't think straight. I can't believe a word she says right now but I want to believe they haven't had sex. She won't let me see their conversations because it's "crossing a line into her privacy". Is that too much to ask? Should I say it's me or him? What should I do?!

Oh...and she blames it on me being trans. That because I want to be a man she needs to go out and get a real man...I guess?

Help

Erik

You''re not gonna like what I'm about to say about your gf..but i think honesty you need to RUN from that relationship.

Being friends with a male is one thing, being really close and wrestling and the like when they KNOW he's got feelings for her.... Yea...... I just don't trust that scenario.

as for yur mother. Sorry about that. Don''t ave much i can add to tha because I don't really know what to say.

as for the crossing the line to her privacy thing. She has a point. But there is an ultimate test for this... If she allows you to have YOUR privacy then yes she's right if she says it's crossing a line when YOU look but then sees no problem looking through your stuff you know "just for fun" then again don't trust her.

I'm not saying this because I don't want it to work out for you, I'm talking from personal experience. I've been burned and I learned.

Some red flags

.and she blames it on me being trans. That because I want to be a man she needs to go out and get a real man

she identifies as bisexual

there definitely is a maturity issue. she is 18 and has been kept from growing up the majority of her life.

Please note I'm not saying that her being bisexual is a red flag in itself, I'm pointing out that her blaming you for being trans and how she needs a 'real man' seems a bit of a cop out of an excuse, considering she identifies as bisexual. Because if that is the case, then my sense would be telling me that it doesn't make sense. Sure it might make sense shes attracted to someone who is male but the idea that because you are trans she needs a 'real' man...i dunno if i'm wording it right and I can't think of any way to type it up but I'm hoping You can see what I'm trying to get at?

To put it bluntly what i'm essentially trying to say is she's putting the responsibility of this onto you, being trans. Which would make more sense if she was heterosexual. So it sounds more like a cop out to me. Instead of taking responsibility for her own feelings and actions she''s trying to put it onto you.

She may be a really nice person, she may not. I'm not trying to insult her or paint her out in a bad light but she's young and immature by the sounds of it and immaturity and trans relationships don't tend to go hand in hand I'm afraid.

[Guest sarah_uk]

In a relationship you should share, if she wont let you see conversations that you are concerned about, then be concerned.

I would look for a new g/f personally, something smells fishy.

[Ravin]

The only person whose texts and emails I snoop at are my kid's. She's ten, so it's appropriate that I monitor that stuff. A SO isn't someone who should be monitored like that. It's about control and autonomy--you can't control other people and they deserve their autonomy, just as they can't control you and you have a right to your autonomy. It would never occur to me to look at a SO's phone messages like that.

The other issue there, is that you have to be able to trust your SO. Either trust whatever commitment you've made to each other and let her figure her feelings out, or don't trust and back away from the relationship. HER actions are not on YOU. She needs to own them, and her feelings, and be honest. If she's going to lay blame on other people, deny feelings, or lie, it's not good for the relationship. I've never been good at monogamous relationships--and so never tried to be--but the basics of communication and trust hold true for any SO/romantic relationship. At the same time, you don't want to act out of stress over other things and blow anything out of proportion.

As far as your mom, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. The others' advice about finding support is good.

[Guest Rhy]

Erik,

I can't give anyone relationship advise except trust is an integral part of any relationship and if that is lost it is very difficult to regain.

Now for the mom difficulty. There is nothing harder than living with an active addict (alcohol and/or drugs). Living with someone with a mental illness is just as hard. There are many that would debate they are the same.

You need to take care of you. I know that sounds selfish but you can't cure nor control her problem. You need to find help for your feelings about her disease and actions. Alanon is a good place to start. Your therapist if you have one is another. It is not easy to watch someone harm themselves.

Stay close to solid people in your life right now. You do have a lot going on. If you have a spiritual practice dive into that. The other thing to remember is that everyday is another day and as long as there is breath there is hope. Your mother may one day get clean and change her life just don't destroy yourself helping her.

Take care of you,

Rhy

[Guest ChefErik93]

thank you all for the advise.

Matthias i see exactly what you are trying to say. there is no good or nice way to say a lot of it but it is all fact. i agree with your red flags as well. thank you for the brutal honesty.

Ravin, normally i would agree with you. i don't want to have to monitor her phone like a child. partners shouldn't do that. but i can't trust her as far as i can throw her right now. in any other circumstance i would never look through an SOs phone..that IS crossing a line. idk

Overall, all of my friends are telling me to run and all of her friends are telling her to run. i asked her if it was because he's a guy, if it is because it's her best friend, or is it because it's just someone else. she said it is because it is another person and partially because it's her best friend. i find that to be a huge issue. also, i told her that he is not welcome in our home anymore and she informed me that if she was going to cheat she wouldn't need the bed to do it. like i didn't already know that. that was a very low blow. she says she wants to have sex with him but she wants me too. i told her that she doesn't get me TOO. she gets me or she doesn't.

She isn't invested in this relationship and i haven't felt the commitment for awhile now. she tells me i need to figure out what i want. in talking to her mother, she told me that we should talk to my therapist about this together. which wouldn't hurt but the appointment isn't for another week and a half. whether we stay together or break up i don't want to draw this out that long without knowing what is going on. idk what to do.

Erik

[Flint]

She isn't invested in this relationship and i haven't felt the commitment for awhile now. she tells me i need to figure out what i want. in talking to her mother, she told me that we should talk to my therapist about this together. which wouldn't hurt but the appointment isn't for another week and a half. whether we stay together or break up i don't want to draw this out that long without knowing what is going on. idk what to do.

Erik

It sounds like you both need to figure what you want, problem is ones choice may conflict with the other. But think you should just concentrate on thinking about what YOU want. Process it all. Sounds like she needs to figure out her priorities when it comes to your relationship, sounds like you need to figure out if you could ever trust her again and sounds also like you may need to talk about why you have felt she hasn't invested in the relationship, it takes two to tango. If one doesn't want to invest in it then...i think you know the answer...

[Guest ChefErik93]

We are going to therapy on Friday. This is my first serious reaction shop so even though a part of me know I should end it, I am going to try to fix it. We shall see

Erik

[Guest MrAwesome]

I'm a married man, with a wife who doesn't know what the words "no" or "privacy" mean. They're just not in her vocabulary, it seems. I was really uncomfortable with it at 1st, but I got over it. Our relationship isn't about me, or her, it's about us. We are a.. well... "we", and "us". We've made a commitment to each other to combine our lives, and to take care of each other. I made that commitment because I love her with every ounce of my being, and I would do anything for her and her happiness. I don't think there's a thing in this world, anything she could do or say to change that.

You guys are still at the point to where you're trying to figure out if you're compatible with each other, if you love each other, if there's potential for you to spend the rest of your lives together. There's always going to be times of conflict or disagreement, and I guess you have to think long term if these things are something you guys can get over/get past, and if you truly want to be with eachother.

[Flint]

We are going to therapy on Friday. This is my first serious reaction shop so even though a part of me know I should end it, I am going to try to fix it. We shall see

Erik

Tell us how it goes.

I'm a married man, with a wife who doesn't know what the words "no" or "privacy" mean. They're just not in her vocabulary, it seems. I was really uncomfortable with it at 1st, but I got over it. Our relationship isn't about me, or her, it's about us.

You're right that it's about you both. But surely we also have our own selves and even within a relationship we still have ourselves and need some 'alone' time or what have you. In a relationship there is an us, a you and a her/him.

[Guest MrAwesome]

Let me rephrase that Matthias. I didn't mean to imply that I "got over it" at my expense. It was just the realization that this is the person I'm spending my life with and I don't need to worry about being judged or gossiped about. It's okay for me to share everything with her, I don't have to hide parts of myself or things that I say.

[Flint]

Makes sense.

[Guest ChefErik93]

i think there needs to be a balance between the us and the you and me. we still need time to ourselves but there are also many things that combine. and in this situation i think privacy is going out the door. unfortunately the big winter storm is hitting us and my therapist cancelled the appointment. we will try to go next week if at all possible. i think we have come to an understanding on many things. she has agreed to let me look at her phone if i want to and is telling me all of the things she is going to do to build back trust. we are being brutally honest with each other and are keeping open minds. i want to fix this and so does she. i miss what we had. we both realize that we haven't been happy for awhile. but we are going to try to figure it out...while knowing that it may not work.

A lot of people have been telling me to run from this relationship. i don't know if it is because i really think i can fix this or because it is my first serious relationship...but i can't just drop it. i can't just break up with her. i may get burned later but hindsight is always 20/20. for now i want to try and make this work.

I really appreciate all of the insight and advice you all have given me. i read all of it and it helped me form my opinion.

Thanks again,

Erik

[Flint]

i think there needs to be a balance between the us and the you and me. we still need time to ourselves but there are also many things that combine. and in this situation i think privacy is going out the door. unfortunately the big winter storm is hitting us and my therapist cancelled the appointment. we will try to go next week if at all possible. i think we have come to an understanding on many things. she has agreed to let me look at her phone if i want to and is telling me all of the things she is going to do to build back trust. we are being brutally honest with each other and are keeping open minds. i want to fix this and so does she. i miss what we had. we both realize that we haven't been happy for awhile. but we are going to try to figure it out...while knowing that it may not work.

A lot of people have been telling me to run from this relationship. i don't know if it is because i really think i can fix this or because it is my first serious relationship...but i can't just drop it. i can't just break up with her. i may get burned later but hindsight is always 20/20. for now i want to try and make this work.

I really appreciate all of the insight and advice you all have given me. i read all of it and it helped me form my opinion.

Thanks again,

Relationship advice is always one of those things, when taking advice it's often best you remember that other peoples experiences may colour their views and therefore colour their advice along with it. It's all about taking the bits of advice you get that fit your actual consequences best. As the person giving advice doesn't actually know, especially on a forum setting, the true dynamics of the relationship in question.

I wish you the best of luck and hope whichever way it goes it works out in the end.

[Guest MrAwesome]

There's this thing I saw on facebook before, it had a picture of an old couple and it says: A reporter asked the couple "How did you manage to stay together for 65 years?" and the woman replied "We were born in a time when if something was broken we fixed it, not threw it away."

While the above may have been made up, I think it's accurate in that a lot of people tend to just throw things away instead of trying to fix them. Whether it be a piece of clothing with a hole in it, or a relationship. I don't think it's right to just throw a relationship away over 1 problem. Good on you for wanting to work on your relationship rather than letting it go at the sign of a problem.

[Guest ChefErik93]

i too have seen that picture. i've also been told that i have an old soul. so i automatically want to fix it instead of throwing it away. but i also know that if i get burned again that will be the last straw. i have my limits but i am not willing to just give up. i truly appreciate all of the advice that has been given to me. our therapy appointment got cancelled due to the winter storms that are hitting us right now but we will try to make there in the near future. we are both trying. she has come to me broken and apologized. she is trying to build back trust and work towards fixing this. we shall see!!

Erik

[Flint]

There is truth in that, that these days people just throw things away at the first sign of a problem.

but there is also a time when we have to walk away from the problem too...

It's finding the balance that is hard. How long, what problems to stick around through and when should it be you finally walk away.

but yea i agree.

Its why a lot of people especially most people my age don't seem to click with me as often as talking to a much older person, because I'm like an old person inside. Well to some degree....

[Guest ChefErik93]

yeah the balance is definitely hard to find at some times. and mistakes will be made. I have been told that i have an old soul

Erik

[Flint]

I have too. but i've also been told I'm like a child at times too. Which to believe I don't know. But I'm off to play with my lego while i smoke a pipe....

[Guest ChefErik93]

i hear ya dude! i'm the same way...it is good to have both haha

[Guest MrAwesome]

I would have to say that pretty much just means you're an individual and think for yourself. Not everyone meets the stereotype of what an average younger person or older person should be like. I find that to people who agree with my ideas that I'm "mature" and if I disagree with them I'm automatically "immature". I think to put it most accurately, nobody is really mature or immature. These are just imagined ideas we place upon other people of what we think it means to be a grown-up, or how a grown-up should act or think. Thoughts, ideas, and values aren't constrained to a certain age group either, or a certain time period. It's just people being people.

[Guest ChefErik93]

i've run into those people too. you are mature if you agree and that is it. people are strange

Erik