Friend came out to me

[Guest Eric6]

I wrote a post early in November about starting therapy and moving along. Got no comments on it which made me feel a bit low, as though I just wasn't interesting. I'd felt good when I wrote the post.

About the same time as starting to see the counsellor, a friend came out as FTM to me (and a bunch of our other friends). I was impressed, but even though I post here, am transgender myself and know about the issues, it nevertheless has taken me quite some time to get my head around the fact that this person I've known for 20-odd years is transitioning from the gender I've known him as. It's been very difficult. It's made me understand a little more about what it must be like for someone who's never knowingly met a trans person and barely understands the concept (thinking of my mother here) to be faced with a family member who makes the announcement.

Some of my friend's family members took it well, others did not. He's even told me I can break the news to *my* mother to sort of test the ground, though I've determined not to do that unless and until she asks me how my friend is doing. Btw, friends of mine have told me that my real life switch from (female name) to (male name) was useful practice for them.

Anyway, I've had a couple of counselling sessions, basically still at the stage of emptying out all the things that have been going around in my head for many years. My counsellor is very cool. We were talking about me wearing male clothing and I wanted to make the point that some clothes are pretty much the same for either gender. I indicated my polo shirt and said "You can't even tell!" but she corrected solemnly, "You sort of can." :-) Maybe that's my (nonexistent) fashion sense coming to the fore? She's not a transgender specialist but there aren't many in this area and I didn't know how to find them. She does and is going to give me some names later on. My FTM friend is one step ahead and is going to let me know how his counselling goes!

[JJ]

I'm sorry about what happened with your last post. One reason ,ay actually be a time situation. Sometimes posts from very different time zones than most of the US come in at times when few members are on and then end up slipping under the radar as new ones hit later here. Anyway I am very happy for you.

Thank you for sharing about your FTM friend. Sometimes-especially since I am now past that burning rush to be myself at last-I stop and think how I would feel if a family member or friend came out to me and realize it would be an adjustment. It helps a lot to put ourselves in the shoes of those we are interacting with.

Have you looked at online gender therapy? You have to be careful and check their credentials because there are posers and worse online but they can be very effective -many use Skype so they have the body language and voice info they really need to provide effective therapy. As with any therapist you may or may not click with one and can change if the way one works doesn't gel with you. A benefit is that many times online therapy is cheaper.They may even be willing to co-ordinate with your present counselor.

One thing about how family member take coming out is that it almost always evolves. Many who start out non-supportive end up being very accepting. As with you and your friend it takes awhile to adjust. though my daughter was accepting she still had great difficulty and I thought I might have lost our relationship-it took a couple of years to really work all the way through but now she is comfortable enough most of the time to make jokes with about some of the aspects and wants to write a book about her journey. She is an only child and has been my best friend since she grew up so this was especially challenging for her. In my experience you really can't predict how someone is going to react. Liberal accepting people sometimes react very negatively while very religious conservative people can be amazingly accepting-and visa versa of course.

I think your experience with your friend and the awareness it has brought you will make a real difference in your coming out and the results. When we focus on how other people feel rather than how we feel they tend to be far more inclined to do the same

Johnny

[Charlize]

Thanks for your post dear and i am also sorry you didn't receive an answer last time you posted. It sounds like you are doing well. I especially like how you mentioned feeling and reacting to your friend who came out to you. It reminded me of a dear FTM friend of mine. I knew her in college before he transitioned. He had lived male for 35 years, had full surgery etc. I thought he would support me but when i had the chance to see him in San Francisco he was extremely upset with me. I think it was a shock. He loved my wife and i as a "regular" couple and hated to see us go through what he knew was a bumpy path. Pronouns came hard to him as they did for me. I learned to not be upset with cis people who get things wrong. It hurts, yes, but usually it is just habit and rarely is meant to be hurtful. I make mistakes and may always. I can't let that drive me away from those i love. A gentle reminder and maybe someday we will be mostly accepted as ourselves. I try to find contentment within and that helps as well.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Carolyn Marie]

That is really interesting about your friend, Eric. You have had a rare (for us) insight into how others react to our news, so you can see both sides of the coin. I do think that many of us fail to be empathetic to those we come out to, expecting everyone to immediately "get it" and behave accordingly. It is rarely that simple. You can play an important role in giving your friend support and understanding.

I'm glad you have a sympathetic and resourceful therapist, and I hope she finds some good choices for you in finding a g.t. It's important to get guidance from your therapist(s) before coming out to your mother and others.

It sounds like you are on a good path forward. I wish you continued success.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[JenniferB]

I agree with Carolyn about expecting others to get it right away. I found out when I started living full time at work, many co-workers could not accept the change right away. Sometimes we forget that we aren't the only ones who have to transition.

Jenny

[Guest MrAwesome]

My wife is a transwoman. We met as gay men. I really had no problem with her transition, and I can switch pronouns on a dime it seems. I think after so long the idea of switching genders doesn't phase me anymore. No matter who it is.