Doing harm by doing nothing

[Guest MrAwesome]

This is something I don't think doctors understand and it really upsets me every time I think about it.

I have been saying since I was 3 that I had a boy brain and a girl body. I knew what a "sex change" was when I was 7 and have been saying ever since that I was going to grow up and have one. I have never wavered in this conviction. I started socially transitioning when I was 15. Have had the full support of my mother for all but a couple months of that time, and now the support of my wife (I'm 20.) AND the full support of my gender therapist that I've had since I was 15.

Yet after seeing multiple doctors, it wasn't until I was 18 and 5 months old that I FINALLY found someone willing to prescribe me hormones. In that time because of the run-around I got from doctors, being passed around like a football, I spent a very long time being EXTREMELY depressed, wanting to hurt myself, self injuring (not going into details but getting the idea across that I was pretty fricken miserable.) I had tried numerous anti-depressants, been to at least 3 different therapists, nobody, nothing, could help me. Within a short time after starting on T, my mental health dramatically improved. I no longer thought about hurting myself. Even my worst days on T have been better than my best days before T.

Recently I had run out of my T and was having trouble getting a doctor to fill it. The original doc who prescribed it had moved to another office, and I wasn't sure where or how to get a hold of her. I also wasn't sure if she'd even be able to help me because when I originally met her she was still an intern. (Actually, I thought she was a physician assistant and I didn't realize she was actually in the process of becoming a DO.) I didn't know if she would need someone else to sign off. I went almost a month without a shot, and in that time I went so far downhill that all I did was lay in bed and cried. And it makes me so angry because NOBODY should have to go through this.

You will hear the doctors say "I don't feel comfortable", "I'm not qualified", "you should see this person or that person instead". All it took was 1 doctor who had never had a transgender patient before taking the time to research and learn what needed to be done, to change my life. One doctor who cared about ME enough to consult with other doctors, do research, and take the steps towards getting me what I needed instead of passing me off.

Everyone else was more concerned with themselves and passing me off than to actually consider what they were doing by NOT treating me. They were slowly torturing me, could have killed me, because they would rather do NOTHING than to do SOMETHING. And recently when I ran out of hormones, my family doctor, and the people at the doctors office that I went to originally that prescribed it both told me to go to someone else. Both refused to refill my hormones, instead of taking a minute to think about how suddenly stopping T would affect me. How not having T would dramatically affect my mental state. It feels equivalent to me of refusing to prescribe someone their anti-depressants. It makes me so angry. I just want to shake them and ask WTH is wrong with them?! Can they not think straight?! Are they so blind, stupid, and self-centred that they no longer care about helping patients?! I was once told when I was a kid that I have to show that I'm "mature" and considering my lack of social skills I did sometimes come off as more immature than I was. If anything though, I think I've seen a complete lack of reasoning on their side. They're so singularly minded that they lacked the ability to really consider what I needed and what was best for me. They lacked the ability to be objective.

So yeah, I just felt like I needed to vent these feelings and frustration. Hope nobody minds.

[Guest shani d]

i know this too much on my own skin

was off my e for like a month[about 3 months ago and now im straight on e even since] and i swore i will never let myself feel that way again

i am happy with the changes and my body accepts estrogen so easily and naturaly that now after only 3 months on them my mom tells me she can notice bumps in my chest just by looking at me[with shirt on] and back then i swore i will never let my body change back to full male coz i know i wouldnt be able to take it

and the doctors? ive seen a little bit of that too

been to a therapist wich told me she got nothing to do to help me becoz she hasnt had experience with it

and had another therapist i had only 1 meeting with becoz she takes a big amount of money

but greatly my current therapist wich ive been seeing for like 10 months now works for free becoz he partialy works for the lgtb community [he got 2 offices one he gets paid for and one a lgtb cummonity pays to him]

and i dont get paid that much each month in my work [its like a special working program that you work for like a year or two for smaller amounts of money but then you get some good privileges]

so i dont have to pay for him and he realy is an amazing therapist i enjoy talking to him we meet once in 2 weeks but we used to meet once a week so take a guess how many meetings we had in 10 months haha

he reffered me to a lgtb doctor that prescribes me my hrt while he himself[my therapist] keeps track with me every 2 weeks

a real nice therapist we got a very good patient-proffesional relationship

he even said in his refferal for hrt that after all this long meetings he truly belives i deserve to live a female for the rest of my life if i want =]

[Charlize]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I was lucky. The doctor who i first told had helped one person before me. I had known her for years and she was shocked and took her time to investigate. She even came to the house to see how my wife was dealing with my going full time. She found us outside, both in skirts, working with our goats. I was lucky. I'm sure you'll find somebody who is better as well. I'm glad you vented. I was lucky i guess to hit a home run right in my small town. Maybe over time as we begin to get more press (hopefully good) the health care system will be better as well.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm so glad to hear that you did finally find a caring and professional doctor. I hope you keep this one around for a while. Good doctors can be hard to find, and while some of us are lucky, many of us are not. Persistence does pay off, and its an important lesson you learned and have shared with others that you should NEVER give up and accept no, when you know you are right. Passing the buck is as American as apple pie. So is determination and patience. It pays to have both. I'm proud of you, young man.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest MrAwesome]

Good point Carolyn Marie. I guess I never thought about giving up on getting hormones. But yes, if you persevere and try hard enough, it's very possible to get HRT, even if it's not as fast as you would like. Also for about a year I was living on my own (before I moved in with and married my wife) and I was working part time, min wage, and still managed to pay my bills and afford T. My point being that even if you can't get it payed for by insurance, even if you don't make a lot of $$, it's still very possible to afford. Might involve shopping around though. I can get almost 7 months worth of T and supplies for $60, this last time my wife had the script sent to our local pharmacy cause she wanted to get insurance to cover it, they were going to charge about $300 for the same thing.

I actually got the run around even from places that claimed to specialize in LGBTQ issues. I know another guy who apparently had the same problem with the 1st place I went to. They weren't following the standards of care. I went to another place 4 hours from where I lived, they strung me around for months only to tell me that they felt I lived too far away (even though they made it clear that they sometimes deal with people as far as 6 hours away.) They referred me back to the place I had come to them from. Literally passed me back to the people I had just dealt with who weren't helping me. My therapist basically told me it's a "game" you have to play. How is this a game? This is my life, my safety, my happiness, my well being. This wasn't some game to me. This wasn't politics. It's abhorrent, and it disgusts me to no end that people treat it this way and have the testicles to tell other people that they're being immature or they're not acting like an adult because they don't want to play these "games". That's not medicine. If you have an infection you don't have to jump through hoops to get antibiotics. If you're suffering with depression, it's not uncommon for even a GP to prescribe anti-depressants. You don't get referred to an "endocrinologist" or some other specialist over every little problem. My mother has thyroid problems, her GP had no problem taking care of that. I'm sure no doctor in their right mind would make a person go without thyroid medication because they didn't feel "Comfortable" prescribing it.