trying to be brave

[Guest Kay Pellev]

Hiya!

Okay I joined the forum about a month ago, posted twice, then got scared and haven't come back to post again until now.

Everyone made me feel so welcome when I first posted, which is great but I kind of clammed up and lost my courage again.

Anyhow back now and trying to be brave, hence the title of this post.

My first two posts were in the introduction section, and well I'm terrible at expressing myself. however I've been wanting to come back and well say how I feel. express how I feel to someone, anyone, who might help and/or understand how I'm feeling.

Also my computer skills are next to nothing, I'm totally new to the online world until earlier this year. Getting a computer and going online is part of my trying to live my life as I want to since I turned 40, another part of that is wearing ladies clothes and trying hard to let out my inner girl that I feel has been trapped inside my outer shell for so long.

When I joined this forum, I put my gender as MTF, and I do strongly feel that's what I am, however I'm not 100% certain, I know who is?

To be honest for a long part of my life I've wondered if I was gay or even asexual, because I used didn't understand myself. I thought I understood what was expected of me as someone born male (at least physically) but most of that didn't/doesn't feel right to me, it doesn't feel natural.

I've tried really hard to be what people expect me to be, which has resulted in me disappointing pretty much everyone 90% of the time.

It's even hard for me to begin to explain where my discomfort started, as for years I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was ill or something. Until the last 12 months or so, I never really considered that how I feel might be gender dysphoria.

Am I transgender?

I hate wearing boys clothes, and I don't like being a man. I own women's clothes, and I wear them pretty much whenever I get the chance, which isn't often as I only feel brave enough to wear them behind closed doors in private. I behave more masculine in public than I personally want to, but I do so because I feel I have to due to social pressure.

The only times I get to really be me is with a lady friend of mine to whom I have opened up to and pretty much told her everything, but even with her I haven't yet felt brave enough to dress and act completely as I really want to.

Wearing women's clothes and acting more feminine feels more comfortable and natural to me. I've long felt this way but been in self denial for years. How can I say this? some being a child through to a teenager and to an adult, I've looked at girls/women and not wanted to be with them, I've wanted to be them.

At school I looked enviously at the girls in my year, and admired their clothes, footwear, hairstyles, yes because I found them attractive, I wanted to wear those same clothes, footwear and hairstyles. I wasn't wanting to kiss the girls and take their clothes off, I wanted to be in their clothes, and be kissed by guys.

So that makes me gay, or at least that's what I've wondered. Yes I find men attractive, but I want them to want me as a women not as another man.

Being socially awkward, and I'll be honest I'm very shy and a geek/nerd. I found it difficult to makes friends with boys or girls. pre-puberty, one of my best friends was the girl next door. We got on great, and even in those pre-teens days, I wanted to be dressed just like her, in fact I asked her once, I can't remember the exact words "make me a girl or dress me as a girl" which due to her reaction, I acted like I was just joking. we were great friends, until we hit puberty, then it changed as she wanted to make out with me, and I didn't want to make out with her. I felt bad because she was my friend, I wanted to make her happy and everything around me, my parents, her parents, society in general (this was the 1980s) seemed to be telling me that as a boy I should be wanting to make out with a girl. But I just couldn't do it. It was the end of our friendship, and it hurt me really bad, I lost one of my best friends because she wanted something from I couldn't give. She ended up hanging out with the wrong crowd, the kind of boys only too happy to provide what I couldn't, and I want further into my shell.

Most girls my own age when I was a teenager and into my 20s didn't want to know me, they all seemed to assume that my attempts at friendship actually had ulterior motives. Then in my mid-20s I met a lady 6 years younger than me who did want to be my friend, and we got along great. It was like I had my old friend back, though obviously it wasn't the same person. However it was clear to others, if not initially to me, that she wanted more than just friendship from me. Even when this was pointed out to me by others, I still wanted to continue our friendship. We ended up being a couple for 3 years, however I could never bring myself to tell her how I felt for fear of losing her friendship which meant so much to me. I put off the physical aspect of our relationship for as long as I could, but eventually we slept together, and by that I mean literally slept together, nothing else happened.

I wanted to please her, I really did, and it's not like I never get aroused but when I do it's always because in my mind I'm a woman and with a man. yet I couldn't tell her this, because I didn't want to lose the only woman I had as a friend. The relationship ended as I think we both realised that without the physical part of the relationship we weren't going anywhere. I've felt bad ever since that I deceived her, but I really didn't know then why I felt uncomfortable about the whole. It would be easier to understand if it was that I'm attracted to men, end of, I'm gay, but I strongly dislike being male, to the point that in the past I've self harmed my genitals.

So this leads me to where I am now. My father died 2 years ago after a long battle with cancer, and basically I put my entire life on hold while he was ill, other than trying to hold down my job, nothing else seemed to matter other than my dad and trying to be strong for my mother. However his death made me realise that life is too short, and also just a few weeks after my dad died I met a wonderful lady who has rapidly become my best friend. It may sound weird but I swear it feels like somehow my dad sent her to me.

She has made me feel much more comfortable with myself, so much so that I finally opened up to her about how I feel and what I do in private. Thankfully she wanted friendship nothing more, I was scared I was going down a route I'd been before, but early on she made it clear that she wasn't after that kind of relationship, and when I came out to her, she was incredibly supportive and understanding. Lots of tears were shed, mostly by me I'll admit. I've also been able to come out to another wonderful lady with whom I've become good friends with, and she's been supportive too.

So What am I? well I won't lie wearing ladies clothes is to a certain extent arousing, however I soon get over just initial excitement and it just feels comfortable and natural to dress and behave feminine. Am I gay and a cross dresser? possibly, however I feel it's more than that, I don't want my male genitals, I really don't like them, is hate to strong a word? Just as I hate wearing boys clothes. I hate myself at times, as I act and behave in a certain masculine way just so I can have conversations with men, when really that's not me at all, yet when I behave more naturally feminine I've always retreated when people have questioned if I'm gay. Not that I feel there's anything wrong with being gay, more that I personally don't feel gay. I'm not gay, I'm a girl, or at least that's how I feel.

I apologise if I've been perhaps too frank in this post, but I've really wanted to get my feelings and thoughts down somewhere for others to see. If feels good just to type this all down. I hope I've not offended anyone.

[VickySGV]

You belong here, that is obvious, but where you really are is something you will have to discover. Gender issues are so personal that while I can keep you entertained with my stories, you may find nothing similar in your life (actually you do express more in common with me than different) but still belong here in gender wonderland. You do sound ready to look deeper, and Gender Therapy is a wonderful starting point and the sooner started, the sooner you have direction on what is next.

That said, I would give big odds you are not going to stick with CDing alone. Hormones or "The Op" are a ways in the future if they are going to happen at all but you have expressed your feeling that they may be desireable. You will figure it out with your therapist!!

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Hello Kay welcome back.

I am new here as well with much of the same feellings you have. our story is the same in some ways.

I had dressed in womens clothes from childhood into adulthood never being open about it until now.

My sexuality was somewhat firgured out earlier in life lat 20,s experimenting with women with horrible outcomes every time,trying to prove I was a man in this way a total failure.

Like you I did not want to be with the girls I wanted to BE the girls and dress and act as they did,but having a sexual relationship just didnt work it was nearly impossile for me to function unless I was imagining men or focusing on their clothes. Needless to say my experience with women was mortifying.

I struggled all through my 20's trying to come to grips with being gay and denied myself relationships of any kind during this period out of a irrational need to prove myself a man and function as one in every way possible. This led me to be without a partner (male or female) and I eventually turned to drugs and alchohol and lived in absolute denial of who I was.......NOT GOOD.

I ended up in jail in my late 20's after the drugs and alchohol finally caught up with me and everything spiraled completely out of control. I spent some time in jail contmplating life as most people do and decided that wasnt the life for me no matter how I sliced it. I got out of jail cleaned up my act and stayed sober and began to build a new life again.

Economicaly I was doing quite well the clear head allowed me to make better life decisions and I was able to get a good job and work and function relatively normal...

I still needed to be with somebody so at age 30 I decided to summons the courage to seek out love and stop denying I was gay, so I started dating men,,,,,,,,,BINGO I was gay and loved it.

I wasnt exactly an out and openly gay man I still had denial issues.

After a string of failed gay relationships I started to realize ya I am gay but something is missing I still dont feel right. Being the clueless soul I have always been I thought the gay thing was still it and I somehow figured since I was a girly feeling gay man on the inside ALL gay men were girly feeling on the inside....WRONG.

It took a couple relationships before I figured this out ,everytime I wanted to dress and be girly my boyfriends did not like it or approve which made me feel hurt inside knowing they did not like me for who I really wanted to be so the relationships ended shortly after. I did find another man at one point to be with and I just repressed the dressing and pretended I was all gay and all man, this relationship lated for nearly a decade but it was all built on lies and denial, eventually the need to be a woman emerged again, and I started easing him into letting me dress and he seemed ok with it at first,but as my needs grew his dislike for where this was going increased. I was able to dress in private all I wanted he didnt care, but I was only allowed to wear panties nothing more any time we were together, if I tried to be intimate with any more clothes than that on I had to remove them before getting into bed.

This went on for a while before neither one of us could stand the way things were. I had a need to be me and he didnt want that. eventually he cheated on me and left me but I learned about being gay during that time but not so much about being the woman that I am.

After some tramatic life family trageties and other life happenings I find myself in my 40's with nothing to lose,no hope ,just misery pain and depression my only daily support system.

DENIAL is crushing and life stealing. A year ago I made one last purge one last hoorah to be a man and make it work come hell or high water, I did everything just right and it took less than a year to be right back where I started with even more intense desire to be a woman.

I have just started to come to these forums recently with a near complete and utter breakdown a crushed spirit, but a new life giving ACCEPTANCE that led me here, I am a mtf transgendered woman who likes men. thats it nothing more nothing less.

Once that happened and my my soul ,heart, and mind all came to that realization I went looking for help and looking for information and support ,and found Laura's.

There has been no looking back, I have found that sexuality and gender are two distinct seperate things and that I need more help understanding all of this, So I finally came out to my mom just a little bit ago, she took it well ,and I also started counciling with a gender therapist.

With the little bit I have done so far to move forward out of denial in a postive way has made HUGE changes in how I feel already, I still have a long road ahead of me but I now have acceptance of myself and I have hope in the future, someting I never really felt I had as a man before.

This place is wondeful and supportive and I totally feel safe here sharing my struggle.

Dont give up Kay keep going you will make it one way or another.

Laura's is the perfect palce to get those thought's down it helped me beyond description.

Hugs

[Guest Kay Pellev]

Thanks, Vicky!

I wasn't really sure at what stage to seek gender therapy. With not really knowing anyone who has similar experiences I didn't know whether seeking therapy was the right option.

Let me put it this way, do I have to be at the stage where I'm taking my cross dressing beyond closed doors before I seek therapy? or is it okay to seek therapy while still keeping that side of me largely private?

I have for a long time now felt like I want to talk to a therapist, but wasn't sure whether I needed to be further along my journey? Basically I want to see a therapist but I'm not yet ready to see a therapist yet as Kay, but rather as my outer male self but I want to explain that what I feel inside, that I am Kay. Would it be okay to start like that?

Talking really helps my confidence, and more and more I want to go beyond just cross dressing in private, and I also want to discuss it with someone who isn't personally involved with me, if that makes sense?

talking with my friend is great, however I know I have her support and I know she's on my side, for want of a better expression. She's honest with me, but then as my friend she is somewhat biased, not that I think she just says what I want to hear, but even she admits it may be better for me to discuss this with a professional.

Would the fact that I'm not brave enough to go out in the world as female just yet prevent me from being seen by a gender therapist?

[Guest LizMarie]

We say this to everyone, but you really need to chat with a therapist who is familiar with gender identity issues.

In my opinion, you sound as if you are likely transsexual but I'm a lay person, so my opinion is just that, an opinion. However, lots of us don't like our male genitals, aren't interested in dressing for sexual titillation, and just want to be ourselves, whom we identify internally as female.

Again, you really need the guidance of a good gender therapist. I highly recommend finding one.

[VickySGV]

You do not need to be "in transition" to see a therapist who is skilled in gender issues. The minute that the issues are in your mind is a perfect time to begin your therapy adventure. Your British health care system I am learning will not usually make your first sessions with a bona fide gender therapist, but describing your concerns to any therapist will get you going toward having one. The personal conviction you have will be explored, and you will be given a road map of a very interesting place indeed that will help you work toward your next step. There is no time table from start to finish, and there may be comfort adjustment stops along the way, and even some backtracking is to be expected from time to time. I wish I had started therapy years before I did, and for a more direct route to who I truly am than I did. My therapy that lead to Gender Therapy was for chemical addiction issues! I had tried to kill myself before going for therapy, and I assure you that suicidal ideation is not the required gateway to successful Gender Therapy. Go now if you can and learn about a wonderful person, YOU!!

[Guest Kay Pellev]

Thanks Brenda, Liz and Vicky!

I really appreciate your sharing your experiences and advice with me, thank you.

You've helped me to make you my mind, that I'm going to seek out gender therapy in the new year. That's going to be my New Year's resolution.

I have been seriously considering therapy for my gender issues for some time, and I think I just need some encouragement to go out and seek help.

More and more the feeling is building inside me that I want to transition, since coming out to my friend I've been getting a little more self confidence and more comfortable with myself and expressing my femininity.

Vicky, you're right to point out how National Health Service works over here in the UK. I've been reading the Gender Dysphoria pages on the NHS website, and the process appears to be that I would have to see my GP first, and talk to them about getting referred to a Gender Therapist.

I don't know whether it's the way I've been raised or whether it's just something us Brits are like, but I think we tend to take an inward step back at the thought of therapy or counselling. Or maybe it's just me or my age/background. However I'm determined to seek gender therapy now, the UK kind of closes down over the Christmas/New Year period (I guess it's the same in the US), so come January I shall be booking an appointment with one of our local doctors/GPs, and see where I go from there.

I'm going to try the NHS route, purely because I know I could pay for private therapy but I really wouldn't know which therapist to go to or seek out. I don't really know what the proper professional bodies and qualifications are for therapist. Plus I'm guessing there's all sorts of different types of therapists out there.

Do you find it easier talking to a stranger about your gender than someone you know well and who is close to you? I found it really hard even to tell my best friend to whom I'm really close to, even though my head kept telling me she'll be understanding and supportive, my heart kept doing flip flops!

[VickySGV]

Cis gender people have a terrible time wrapping their head around the idea of Trans* and the closer they are to us, the more terror our condition gives them. It takes time and education, and then some hard work for anyone not Trans* themself to be comfortable talking about what goes on in a Trans* person's life, mind and experience. It does not help things a bit that the Trans* person is also scared and ignorant about their own physiology and how it fits into society. Those who have known us equate us with our birth gender and all that they think they know about it. A GT has taken the time if they are not Trans* themselves, and they have no immediate backstory on us when they first begin working with us, and therefor no preconception of who we have been made to be up to that point. There is nothing to argue with or to compare to in the past until you talk about it. Thus it is easier to speak to therapists, and in some cases total strangers, such as us here, that it will be to tell those of your family and close friends. Hopefully your therapist will work with you to prepare you and the others for what you will become;

[Guest Kay Pellev]

Vicky - again you're spot on. I tried earlier this year to explain the way I feel to my Mum, and her reaction was one of disgust and horror sadly. I really tried to explain in the most sympathetic way possible, but she reacted really badly. She was more concerned over whether anybody else knew, and when I told her I'd first told one of my closest friends, she became very angry at me, and she accused my friend of brainwashing me.

I'll be honest I didn't expect it to be easier telling my Mum, but I didn't expect her reaction to be that bad. I mean why would anyone want to brainwash me into thinking I'm transgender? what would anyone have to gain from it? My friend who I did first tell was amazingly supportive and really understanding.

With my Mum, well she went into denial, within a couple of days it was like I'd never told her anything, she just decided to pretend I'd never said anything. And I've been reluctant to broach the subject again, even though she is one of the most important people to me in the whole world. I love her so much, and I want more than anything to have her understand and accept me as I really am. She hasn't said she never wants to speak to me or see me again, which is my worst fear, as I've lost my Dad to cancer, I don't want to lose my Mum, especially not to predjudice and/or ignorance.

There is a certain irony in the fact that my Mum has often loudly complained to me about "not being much of a man" and not being interested in what she perceives as manly pursuits, and yet when I finally tried to explain why that is, I got a terrible reaction.

My friend advised me against telling my Mum just yet, however earlier this year she kept telling me that she felt I was keeping secrets from her, and that she didn't like people who weren't open and honest. So after another conversation along these lines with her, I decided to open up to her and telling her my "secret" even though I feared a bad reaction.

I think most of her bad reaction is due to ignorance, she was raised in post war England in a small rural community where everyone had the same colour skin and the same religion and the same background, and she was also raised to think pretty much everything is a sin against God. However I always thought, and hoped that I mother's love for her child was unconditional, it's not like I've commited a crime, I just believe my outside gender doesn't match my internal gender. I know it must be difficult to hear your own child, whom you've raised as one gender express their belief that they feel they're actually the another gender, but she didn't even ask me why I felt that way, or for how long. she just screamed that at me and call me an idiot and accused my best friend of brainwashing me, and now is in denial that I've even told her anything.

I feel very sad about it all, and in fact it's made me hesitate to come out to other friends, even though I suspect their reactions will be much more supportive. I have 4 male friends who I'm very close to that I really want to tell, but so far I've only told 2 female friends, and my attempt to tell my Mum. One of my male friends, I'm equally friendly with his wife, as she and I used to be worked colleagues, and I'm pretty sure she'd be supportive and she'd have more idea how her husband might react to me telling him. I mean they may even react with a shrug of their shoulders and indifference, or even think that they're not surprised. I don't know but after my Mum's reaction, I've become somewhat hesitant, even if by contrast my opening up to 2 of my female friends have given me a lot more confidence.

[Miss_Y]

Welcome sweetie! You're such a brave lady.

I certainly think you're in the right place, you sounds much more certain of your identity than me at least.

Therapy can be challenging and scary, but it's really about helping you along your journey. For me it was hard just getting started talking to a therapist. I talked to him about everything else I was worried about (my depressive episodes) before I waited until the last minute to talk about my gender identity concerns. Now I'm talking with a lady therapist (by his referral) whom I feel a deal of confidence in her ability to help me resolve some of my issues and the barriers which make it challenging for me to find the answers I seek.

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum, I also empathize a little in that I think that is exactly how my own mother would react if I ever spoke to her, a large part of the reason I keep so many things private from my mother. It's very common according to my understanding for our parents to be unsupportive of our issues, you're not alone. I've heard stories that went both ways though, in my area I know there are emergency funds to help transpersons who have been disowned by their parents because of their coming outs. Still I also recently read a story about a transguy who was able to forge a much closer than ever before relationship with his mother about the time he was finally ready to pursue top surgery. So I think it can go either way from here really, good luck sweetie.