Why do we transition?

[Guest ChefErik93]

now, i am not trying to urine anyone off here. like the partner who asks the other "why do we love each other". I am honestly curious.

My step dad and I got to talking about my transition. (it went pretty well btw) but he isn't so sure of it all. he isn't being negative just overly cautious of the whole thing. apparently he told my girlfriend that he's "a liberal, but this is different". and that i'll "always be his little girl". She defended me and told him that "no, he will be your son".

but anyways...in our conversation he asked why i wanted to do it. and why i couldn't find a way to cope and be happy with myself for a couple years to really think about it. i asked him what he thought the last few years have been. i've been talking about not being comfy in this body for 6 years.

but i couldn't answer that question...why do i want to transition? i feel like i discredited myself by not being able to answer. i couldn't find the words. it makes so much sense to me and you all. i don't feel right in this body and i want to change it. but that isn't enough to the outside world.

Can you help me find the words to explain why we do what we do?

thanks, Erik

[Cyndee]

Hi Erik, I can't speak for you, so I'll simply speak for myself.

My simple and abbreivated answer - I transition to help quiet the gender noise and dissonance I have felt my entire life. To be able to express myself genuinely, with what I feel inside as opposed to what might be expected by others externally. To be in a state of peace and harmony with myself, synonymous with "wholeness".

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest LizMarie]

Cyndi states it well. The combination of hormone therapy plus moving further into my transition is bringing me a sense of peace and happiness with myself that I've been lacking my entire life.

[JJ]

Have you ever heard of alien hand syndrome where someone sees a body part as wrong? There is no therapy and no cure. Usually from what I have read it arises after a brain injury and the brain is saying that the part is just not right and should not be there. I think that feeling -although different from our situation-is as close as we can come to explaining it. We now know for certain that male brains and females brains are very different -and in many more ways than we ever suspected till the new imaging techniques made it possible to study living brains and how we think. It is believed that somewhere in our brains our gender identity is generated by the physical configuration of our brains. And we recognize how and what our bodies should look like from that as well. So every time we see our bodies some part of our brain is saying-"That is wrong. Something is wrong" . I think many times we have pushed it back or it is not ever verbalized but that feeling of being wrong somehow comes through. The only way to find internal peace is to change physically so that what we see in the mirror is someone we recognize as us. But this also varies by individual as far as how this feeling manifests.

Also how we behave and are treated is dictated by that gender configuration in our brain. It will vary by degrees but so many of us are diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders for instance which have been observed to resolve with transition as true autism disorders cannot. Because we sometimes cannot socialize properly in a gender that just feels wrong to us. Cannot be seen and accepted properly because our behavior is just not quite right in a gender that does not match how our brains are wired to act. I said all my life that I felt like the rest of the world got an instruction book that I didn't. Things came so easily and naturally to others that were a huge struggle for me socially, Living as a man seems so easy-so effortless and though I have not changed much I am seen as a nicer person and people just like me better. Because at last it matches,

Another reason is that it is known that more of us attempt suicide than any group with any condition. It is known to be 40% attempted but some experts feel that among FTMS the actual suicide rate in the past may have been as high as 80% because males-and our brains make us act as males in many ways no matter the socialization-are more often successful at suicide and more direct. It was once believed that we were only a tiny fraction of the numbers of MTFs and there is speculation that part of that may have been that so few of us survived past our 30s since it is now known or believed our actual numbers are roughly equal to MtFs. Again it is speculation because there is no way to know. Almost all of those suicides would not have been attributed to gender issues because of family cover ups and because no one may have known about the gender issues. Certainly had any of my attempts been successful no one would have had a clue. Nor did I realize till I transitioned how much of my pain and despair was diffused into other areas of my life. Then there is the high probability with brains configured with the majority of receptors for one hormone which we cannot produce in adequate amounts while we are flooded with the wrong hormone for which we do not have the receptors we are chemically imbalanced. That may well explain the level of suicide and depression among us. Only hormone therapy will create that balance. Even before that was realized many therapists used the reaction of feeling right and the sense of well being in response to hormone therapy as a definitive guide to whether someone was actually transsexual.

We can cope and if we are lucky we survive-though I have to credit divine intervention in my case because I just plain should not be here-but we cannot be happy. We cannot find peace ever without transitioning. Cannot feel right with life and ourselves.That is why the AMA labels treating GD as a "medical necessity" and Federal programs even now cover all but SRS and that is under review for being covered. Some of us are tough and make it through a long time. Some if us have a large capacity for suffering-but no one should live-or waste -a life that way. And that is why we transition. Because in a way we don't really have a choice. We were born with a birth defect and that was not a choice. Our choice is just to suffer or change. How much we change and how we make those changes is as varied and individual as we are ourselves

Johnny

[KathrynJulia]

Beautiful, simple, and absolutely true Cindy.

Erik

In the past before transitioning, I felt angry, at times depressed, never being quite right and comfortable in my own skin. When I was male, I had to be fearless, agressive, a leader, able to fix anything. After transition, I enjoy taking a more passive role, I'm calmer, happier, much more comfortable in my new clothing and in my new body. I enjoy being part of the interaction of other woman. I enjoy being the person that I have fought, denied, tried to ignore, and was miserable because she is who I truely am.

My male gender made me feel like an empty vessel inside because what's inside that makes us, us was incongruent with my outside gender. They didn't match and they couldn't just coexist together. They were at odds. Projecting a false persona over a lifetime is exhausting. When I transitioned to the person I always knew was inside, I'm a full vessel now filled to the brim with sugar and spice and everything nice. The persona I project now is a true persona. People have noticed and comented on the change in me.

Erik non transgendered people have no frame of reference to how we feel inside. There has never been confusion over their gender ever in their lives. We on the other hand with have Gender Dysphoria all of our life until we transition to a point that satisfies the emptiness inside. We all have our own point where we happy living where we end up. Good Luck to you Erik. Kathryn

[VickySGV]

Transitioning does not take place in one single moment, it is an evolution over time. Like some mythological characters, there is a call for a quest to find some vital truth or possession for the betterment of life, not just for the character but for those who live with them. Some of it is like why a clergyman is "called" to a vocation of religious service, or why a person is inspired to write a life changing book or even confront a life threatening danger for the good outside of themselves. Another part is desperation because of our gathering darkness of spirit. Still other parts are "Just feeling right" with the world.

There really are few well reasoned and logical answers, and many are by the process of elimination. Everything else I had done over half a century was leading me to self destruction, transition was the only path left to take that I had not tried, and even it seemed doubtful, but it was a path way. Do not feel bad that you could not answer the questions of a caring and concerned person in your life. Don Quixote could not explain his "Impossible Dream" it was just there.

[Guest ChefErik93]

thank you all for your words. i relate to most if not all of this. im glad to finally have some words to give people as to why we do this. it's because we have to. i hope that my step dad...and eventually my dad...can understand this. you all always have such wonderful advice

Erik

[Carolyn Marie]

.Can you help me find the words to explain why we do what we do?

Like the chicken said...

"To get to the other side."

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ChefErik93]

.Can you help me find the words to explain why we do what we do?

Like the chicken said...

"To get to the other side."

Carolyn Marie

i like it

[Guest]

My usual smart donkey answer is "Because we can". Erik.

However in semi serious fashion my answer would simply be that by transitioning my mental self and my physical self would be congruent.

Just my 2-bits worth.YMMV

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Tessa159]

Honestly, before I transitioned, I didnt realize how empty I felt. I was just plowing my way through life, not really feeling anything. Now that Ive been on hormones for almost a year, and Im living full time (about to get my name changed) I'm happy. I can go out in public and smile. I am more open with emotions. I can act the way I want and not like some shy little boy always hiding in his room. Ive been through a lot in the last year to get where I am and I wouldnt change it for the world.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Hi Erik, I can't speak for you, so I'll simply speak for myself.

My simple and abbreivated answer - I transition to help quiet the gender noise and dissonance I have felt my entire life. To be able to express myself genuinely, with what I feel inside as opposed to what might be expected by others externally. To be in a state of peace and harmony with myself, synonymous with "wholeness".

Hugs

Cynthia -

Hi all. Cynthia, that is an amazing answer. Beautiful, simple and poignant.

It's life.

Peace.

[Guest DianeATL]

Honestly, before I transitioned, I didnt realize how empty I felt. I was just plowing my way through life, not really feeling anything. Now that Ive been on hormones for almost a year, and Im living full time (about to get my name changed) I'm happy. I can go out in public and smile. I am more open with emotions. I can act the way I want and not like some shy little boy always hiding in his room. Ive been through a lot in the last year to get where I am and I wouldnt change it for the world.

Pretty much describes me - before discovering the real me, I was just plowing through checking off days and never smiling. Being me puts a big smile on my face and I can't tell you why, it just does.

Hugs

Diane

[Guest ChefErik93]

thank you all for your answers. they are all great!

Erik