Christmas Blues and a thank you

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Ladies

Please forgive me, but I have to unburden. Some of you may recall I fell back into cross-dressing in March 2012 when I rediscovered my CD old life quite by accident. I Cross-Dressed as a teen and then forgot all about it until the March 2012 rediscovery. My wife kind of accepts what I am but without totally approving. That said, she sticks with me for all my 'troubles'. She's magnificent.

I'm right in the middle of the Christmas break. The kids are at home for two weeks, my wife the same. I recently ordered some more clothes, and this evening sat hunched over my keyboard and I asked myself:

Who am I fooling?

I'm going to be 55 in a few days time. I'm awfully overweight. I've not led a happy life because I could not understand why I did not fit in, until recently. I have never fitted the male world and it has hurt so much. Even just from March 2012 onwards, have wardrobes and drawers full of ladies' clothes. I have breast forms and wigs, bras etc. I underdress every day in knickers, camisole, hold-up stockings, and mid-calf ruched leather boots. I adore every moment of being like this.

I so desperately want to be able to dress more often, if not all the time. I've ordered some estrogen body cream in the hope I can make my breasts bigger.

I have a very feminine mind - all the tests I have taken (each several times) I come out at 75% female-minded. I've always had a terrible soft spot for nurturing and helping yet I've always had to nail it away to be 'the man'.

But this Christmas, I'm sitting at home with my stockings, knickers, necklaces and bracelets, boots and camisole under my male mode. None of the family know. I dress and undress so they don't see. But part of me says: "this is stupid, ridiculous". Whereas the bigger part of me says "I want to wear a skirt. I want to wear my favourite dress.. I want to wear my treasured necklaces and bangles." I get so upset not being able to wear my stored clothes. I identify with them. They help make me feel really like ME.

Girls, I feel so torn and weary. So I am writing this just to unload it and I am sorry to do so. I know many of you have tougher lives by a huge amount. I do often think of you and how you are getting on.

There, that's off my chest.

All I want to say now is thank you, girls. All of you here have made my life so much more tolerable. Because of you I came to understand who I am and why I am the way I am.

You all are the BEST. And this site is THE BEST.

Thank you, girls, for everything. You have helped me so much.

My love and best wishes for 2014 to ALL of you. Let's hope 2014 is a good year for us all.

Hugs

Eve.

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

Listen to the "bigger part". It's not going away, and its demands to be heard will only get louder.

Be patient. Sort it all out. There's no rush, though your mind will tell you otherwise. Forget what you should have or could have done and think about what you will do going forward. There will be delays and frustrations. Don't let them deter you. Value your wife's support, and keep her up to speed with what you're thinking.

In the end, you will be exactly where you need to be. Things will work out just fine..

[Charlize]

It sounds like it may be time to visit a gender therapist and explore your possibilities. I felt much as you have explained. With help i finally let go of my fear, shame and anger. It has taken time but we can change if we wish to regardless of our age. Weight loss is also possible especially if we feel better about ourselves. Please don't give up hope. You are not alone and many of us do understand quite well how you feel.

I'm glad you are here as well. We help each other.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Opal]

Just want to second what Kenna and Charlie have already mentioned. Wish you the best in your journey.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Lelia VA]

Eve, dear, I've been right where you are! Stay the course and turn your nurturing inward to give yourself permission to be the woman your heart and soul wish to be. Therapy can help you and should be considered.

Most of all though you must nurture your femme side. Love who you are and revel in her - even if she is hidden beneath your male self.

Hugs and love,

LeeLee

[tracy_j]

Hi Eve

Just like to say what you write echoes how I feel a lot of the time.

I think my main difference is that I am now much more outgoing and often wear a mix of male and female clothing for a very feminine look but it does bring stares and is not what I can wear all the time but just for a while every week I am openly me! This makes me far more relaxed.

Other times I wonder what I am doing but some of this is in response to the negative feedback I get from different quarters (it is hard to be strong all the time and not bow to opinions).

You need to express yourself as I have found I need to - it's just a case of being careful in doing it.

If you feel somewhat as I do you may also have been depressed just before Christmas - I get this almost every year

Have a Happy New Year and hope all goes well in 2014 - and Happy Birthday as well - have a good day!

Love

Tracy x

[Guest AshleighP]

Everyone has already said what i would say, but I wanted to add my vote of support. I too have had those feelings on so many occasions. I applaud you for the steps you have already taken and stand with you for the steps to come. Be brave, be strong, be you. May 2014 be the year we all become strong enough and bold enough to be "us"

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Thanks girls! You are a great help to me. Let's hope we all have a great 2014! I know I am not alone - and that is a great support.

Hugs

Eve

[gennee]

Eve, reading your post brought up memories of when I started out. I was out walking along the riverbank on a summer evening. When I stopped and stared out in the river a sense of relief and inner swept through me. I felt like ME. I didn't feel like a fraud but a genuine person. I almost wept right there. You're certainly on the track to truly expressing yourself. I wish you a Happy New Year and Happy Birthday.

,

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Gennee

Thanks so much! A lot of the time, I do feel 'me' and not a fraud. But sometimes the cracks open and the 'other side' sweeps back, and I feel like I am being a fool. I posted originally because I had felt a fraud as I struggled to find time for my true self among family events. But I also know I have friends here. Maybe I just need that 'virtual' hug from friends here to bolster me and keep me going.

I am not quite where you are Gennee, but what you describe is where I want to be. Thanks for sharing your experience. You inspire me to envisage where I want to be.

Grateful hugs to all,

Eve

[Guest Rosabella]

Thank you for feeling safe enough to share what you have been going through. It is so wonderful to get support from others on this site who can understand what you are going through and give you honest, helpful feedback. You seem like a wonderful person.

[Michelle 2010]

Brings back memories for me as well...

My son is now grown and I am divorced and living my dream much of the time. It is also true that it is unlikely to ever go away. That said, remember the admonition " Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it... "

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Thank you Rosabella and Michelle

XX Eve

[Guest Kati]

I would love to say that I don't have a clue as to what you are thinking and feeling, but I can't. All the doubts and discouragements you are facing are simply part of a CDer's life. Try to focus on the positive sides of this experience. Spending too much time on the "if only(s)" will just compound the issues you have encountered. Best wishes!

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Thanks Kati!

Hugs

Eve

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Thank you, VM. It is too easy to buy beautiful clothes via the Internet, I agree. I just wish I had the time to wear them.

Thank you for your encouragement!

Eve

[Guest Kayla Grace]

It sounds like it may be time to visit a gender therapist and explore your possibilities.

I was thinking the same thing while reading this, Eve. What you have to ask yourself, is WHY do you wear feminine clothes? I'm no expert, but generally a trans* that isn't a transsexual will wear the opposite clothes for enjoyment, pleasure (be it sexual or not). And a true transsexual will wear them because it feels "right" and they feel at home, and have felt that they finally have filled the empty spot that has been there for years.

When I put my bra and panties on, it finally feels like I'm me. And getting up in the morning has meaning. I'm not presenting female, or even on hormones yet. Haha, all I'm wearing is a bra that's kind of just sitting there seeing as I have no breasts outside of the muscle that I developed from weights, and it still makes me feel better.

Even after having an elective surgery (completely unrelated to my trans status), I still felt something was missing.

Now it all makes sense. All of the things I did in childhood, why I have such a strong preferance for females. I was born to be Natalya.

Perhaps you were born to be a girl, too.

God Bless,

Natalya <3

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Natalya

The answer to that is simple. I love wearing female clothes because that is who I am. I pull on a skirt and I feel right. The whole thing is to do with "feeling right". It's nothing to do with pleasuring the senses, and everything to do with being me, in my right environment, and in my right mind. I under-dress all the time and 99% of the day I don't even think about the fact - it is simply the way I am.

I don't think I was born to be a girl. But I do think I am just one of those "half-way" people. I am very feminine inside to the point I cannot easily fit in with male society while fitting in well with females. At the end of the day, I am just who I am, and I love wearing women's clothes and I am avery feminine person. I won't go the whole way and have surgery, I'm happy as I am these days.

I don't have any worries about it! And Laura's Playground has been a fantastic help in bringing this peace to me.

Thank you all!

Eve