Embraced at a women's group

[Michelle 2010]

So last week I attended my first women's meeting. I arrived with a new female sponsee who selected me 10 days earlier. I had thought many times about attending a women's meeting but was uncertain because so many women had known me as a man and I am still very much in transition, attending some meetings in "drab" for occupational/financial reasons. I was afraid they might consider me a poseur or crossdresser and not want me there.

My new sponsee and I live 30 miles apart and agreed to meet in the middle. Coincidentally, there is a weekly women's meeting there... We arrived together and were warmly greeted, with no questions at all about my gender... no visible skepticism, and no comments. I identified as new to the meeting when asked and shared experience strength and hope near the end. After the meeting several women came up and invited me to return. The same behavior was extended to the woman with me.

Today I attended without my friend. There were twice as many women as last week (the day after Christmas), and I recognize only a few faces. Several of the familiar and several of the ones whom i had not met, introduced themselves or welcomed me back. It was warm, inviting, and without any "vibe" whatsoever... I was accepted as one of the women in the meeting, n o more and no less. I stated I was second visit for the benefit of those not in attendance last week. Again I shared experience strength and hope (the topic raised by a newcomer was "toxic people"), stating that for newcomers the most important reason to avoid toxic people was because they breed resentments and resentments take out more alcoholics than anything else. No one else had approached the issue from that angle. After the meeting I used the womens room with other women and was asked if I would like to stay for the womens meditation meeting, which I did. When I came into the meditation circle I was greeted with a welcome and the rustle of chairs moving to make room for me.

It turned out that the leader of the meditation is my former grand sponsor, a woman highly respected int he womens sobriety circles and a leader of womens retreats. I hope I can attend one in the spring...

I am posting this for the benefit of members and nonmembers of this forum. For me, it was like "coming home"... I have attended an lgbt meeting for 18 months and the truth is that men are men whether gay or straight. They don't get me, though they accept me. These women were my people and they embraced me and asked me to come back. I am very happy about it. I urge all transexuals who identify as female to have the courage to attend a women's meeting if you want to. If you identify as female, the third tradition says you can attend and I don't think 95% of women would have a problem with it. The meeting I attended had people from 25 to 75 years old and no age group was standoffish or cold to me.

Finally, I do not consider myself passable close up and my voice is a work in progress. WHat I brought to the meeting was honesty, openness and willingness. In neither meeting did "trans" come up at all. I was simply accepted as myself.... I will definitely keep coming back. Even if, like me, you start at an out of town meeting, I urge you to try it if you identify as female. It was another major milestone in my spiritual and transgender journey.

Love

Michelle

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

That is a wonderful story thank you for sharing.

That is the kind of home coming,acceptance and courage we all yearn for I think.

I am glad you had such a positive experience.

Makes me "almost" want to start going to meetings again,just for the sense of social togetherness that you just felt.

I have such a long way to go.

Brenda Hailey

[VickySGV]

Why am I not surprised at what you have written here?? One of the key elements to my recovery effort this time was based on the statement in one of the reading at my meetings that says "no one likes to admit they are different from other people" in regard to their ability to drink, but the principal is, yes we are different, and if different in our drinking ability, it is likely we are different in other ways too. Having given ourselves permission to be different, we cannot call on another person and demand they not be different, even if that difference is Gender related. Where we are the same in our desire to regain control of our lives which GD and the booze have taken from us, we have traveled many of the same steps as we do for addiction recovery. I think your group sub consciously knows it and accepts the difference as a strength.

[Carolyn Marie]

It sounds like a wonderful group of people, Michelle. I'm really glad that you found such acceptance, kindness and friendship. It portends good things for the future, hon.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest]

Michelle, this is such a heartwarming story and the very same thing happened at both my usual women meetings. I have had to work on Saturdays for two months and have not been able to attend. Many gals in my mixed groups have asked why I stopped coming and tell me that I am missed. I am glad I may be able to make those meetings again soon.

Vicky, as usual you have it nailed again. Right on the mark! Gee can we meet halfway and do a meeting together? Though I don't have a meeting list for Indio or San Bernadino. Giggle. But you do make a great long distance sponsor for all of us here. Both of you actually. Charlie may agree, she is another of my good mentors. Just another joy in my sobriety. Way hug. JodyAnn

[Michelle 2010]

This morning, a different women's meeting, different ladies, none of whom had ever met me, exactly same results. A beginners meeting... I and another out of towner were asked to share after the ladies with less than a year were done. Again, the primary thing I have going is my openness and honesty(and that I dress age appropriate lol!) The word trans was never uttered. I chatted after the meeting with several ladies and was again invited to come back... I have truly fallen into the deep well of femininity. The laughter, love, and support of each other was wonderful... as was the welcome and acceptance I felt.

I hope any alcoholic who identifies as female will not let "being different" keep them form getting sober. If we are honest who we are, alcoholics identifying as female, i believe we are to be accepted in AA as we are. I fell very embraced in this stage of my trans and recovery journey.

Hugs

Michelle

[Charlize]

It is just wonderful to read of this step Michelle. To be ourselves with others. Actually living "to thine own self be true". Nothing can be better. I shared in a post a short while ago there is such a parallel between being trans and being an alcoholic. A million ways to deal with our powerlessness but all coming down to realizing we can't do it on our own and getting the help of a power greater than ourselves…. be it others or a higher power hopefully we may grow to find.

Wait till the topic is honesty and perhaps you will be able to let go of the trans thing as well. I have shared this while speaking and it has helped to remove a burden i need to drop. Wonderfully the women are happy to see me come back!

I often have to add how grateful i am to have a fellowship which allows me to be human with all the doubts, flaws and differences that entails.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

"Letting go of the trans thing", is, I think already happening Charlie. At a small support group meeting tonight i was trying to get the point across that the acceptance I received was simply that... acceptance between alcoholics at a women's meeting, two or three people sharing after the meeting with authenticity and genuine interest in each other. Others were questioning whether I was being accepted as a "real woman or a trans woman", and I was saying I don't run that tape through my head when talking to the ladies after the meeting or even when sharing at the meeting.

One heart touching another is the deal in AA and that was what was happening. There was no difference in the conversations I was involved in that made them "less than" or different from the other chats happening after the meeting. We weren't talking about me, we were talking about recovery. Were they thinking, "I'm talking recovery with a transexual"? I can't read minds. all I know is that I have attended over 2500 meetings in almost ten years, and I know when I am connecting with another alcoholic.

If we create degrees of separation in our own minds, we are selling ourselves short.

So thank you Charlie for bringing that issue up. If they tell me they are glad I stopped by and "please come back", I take it at face value... If they sit around later and say, "hey. we never had a transexual at our meeting before", so what... lets face it, we are kinda rare, and besides, such a statement does not imply criticism, right?

Hugs

Michelle

[Michelle 2010]

Charlie

After sleeping on it, I remembered previous conversations we've had and that you were referencing the dishonesty that accompanies being in the closet... at least I think you were...? And the ultimate acceptance of who you were, spoken out loud to a group of women. I suppose it will happen in a group where women have known me for years as male. The reality is though, I believe that who I am today internally is different from who I was when in the closet. I don't think I was aware of the power of the female part of me. I'm not sure if I was truly CD and changed, or if I was always a TS who was trapped in a male mind... Whichever, I was certainly fearful of society's norms, and behaved in sneaky ways... Altering that equation was certainly a driving force in my spiritual journey in AA.

By the time I went to a couple of support meetings though, I knew with certainty (and said it out loud) that what ever my male persona was willing to surrender, my female side was willing to take.... I knew for sure that inside me was a very powerful female force wanting to come out...

At some point I imagine I will put it out there to a group of women with whom i have a history. With other women's groups I don't know that I would do more than reference it as a step into being totally honest, being a people pleaser, trying to live up to impossible standards, topics most women can relate to.

Michelle

Michelle

[Cyndee]

Wonderful Michelle, being you with the ladies, may it continue to go well.

Hugs

Cyndi -

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing Michelle. I like the idea of my having lived as a people pleaser rather than myself. The discovery of that self has been so important. I like you don't know whether it was a recognition of what had already existed or a growth into a new world. I mention the trans issue because at least in part i have brought it up I'm meetings to help others understand that the power of honesty can help us accept what we could never have accepted before. While my gender issues came out while i was drinking they also were put away and covered with a cloud of forgetfulness in an alcoholic haze. Confronting this in the rooms has helped me to confront this in the world.

We are all different and the situation is constantly changing. I don't introduce myself as a trans alcoholic but being trans certainly holds a big place in my story. Hopefully open honesty about that will help others as i know it helps me.

I also think that while i love to think i'm stealth, for the most part other women do know that i'm a bit different than many women. That will never change but the love and acceptance that you have described is something i have felt as well. I am at home in a women's meeting more so than i ever was in men's.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest jnemo]

Michelle, thank you for sharing this... of all the things I've read recently or talked to people about, this gives me the most hope.

I don't run that tape through my head when talking to the ladies after the meeting or even when sharing at the meeting.

And that part especially is where I want to be someday. To me, that 'tape' is like an anxious mental tic, a manfestation of something to be let go of.

Hmm, this also makes me consider participating in some of the Alcohol Recovery stuff on here. I really didn't realize that was such a common element for trans women, not just myself.

[VickySGV]

Hmm, this also makes me consider participating in some of the Alcohol Recovery stuff on here. I really didn't realize that was such a common element for trans women, not just myself.

Please do -- we have a Chat AA/NA meeting on Sunday's at 9pm Eastern time over in that area. 95% just chatter about recovery and the TG parts of life, but we have brought some new people into the recovery fold as well. Always room for one more!!

Drinking or drugs are the way we coped with GD before we knew it for what is was. Alcohol is the universal medicine for "curing" something you do not even have a name for.

[Guest jnemo]

something you do not even have a name for.

I call it "being alive". Sadly, it's pretty inefficient at fixing that problem. Anywayyeah, we'll see how things go when Sunday rolls around.

[Guest Audra]

What a wonderful story Michelle. This gives me hope and encouragement to get back into recovery.