Do I really need a Sponsor?

[Guest erinanita]

I started back to AA after an absence of seven or eight years ( while I was transitioning ). It seemed like it was going to work just fine. I joined a group, got a temporary sponsor and it really didn't seem to be a big deal that I was trans. My sponsor was aware of it and I didn't even tell her. I felt totally accepted by the membership. Then last Friday my sponsor opted out. Nothing personal,she said and she'd still like to be friends. She said that she knew that I was working my program and that I'd been around long enough that I should have a couple of sponsees. But sponsees don't make up for sponsors do they?

I guess it's telling me that I need to visit some other groups, maybe women's groups to find a sponsor. Everybody needs a sponsor. all of my previous sponsors had sponsors.

Erin

[Guest]

Yes I agree everybody needs a sponsor. I have my first sponsor that is in my old town and we don't get together often enough. I will keep her forever, just can't get there much. Yes my phone still works, as does her's. I do have a new sponsor and we are together at least once a week. Working steps, hanging out, service work and helping other people. She has more confidence in me than I do (not about staying sober mind you) so she may be my best supporter. Meeting her was a total GodShot! In some ways I think I am like her kid sister, she helps to grow up.

In the last while I have had two (official?) sponsorees. The first one started working the steps after white knuckling for many years. Then she just stopped. I always see her hanging out at the meeting hall property, but seldom in the meeting hall for a full meeting. She didn't follow suggestions well and seemed resentful. Then she relapsed. Someone else started sponsoring her. I still see her hanging around meetings, I have a hug for her if she wants one. I did all I could and I had to talk to my sponsor about it too. Not everyone is a good match.

The next one is a gem. She asked me to sponsor her and in the same sentence nearly, asked me to go with her to a lesbian bar. Not! She blew up my phone and never said a word about steps or program. I had to step back. She is a drama momma, hitting on and driving all the other women sponsors crazy too. I have made it clear to her, sponsors don't have sex with sponsees and I don't have sex with people half my age. God bless her. She is still a friend. I keep at arm's length and if she ever takes any positive steps I will help her along. I smile and think of her as in God's Crock Pot, I think she needs to simmer a while.

My latest is a cool ball of AA curiosity and fire. The only problem is he is the wrong gender for me to sponsor. He bought a Big Book in his second meeting and has just over a week in the program. I lent him a Twelve and Twelve book, what the heck, I have three from my relapses over the years. Giggle. I hope he takes off in the program and soars.

Having prefaced that, no I don't think sponsoring replaces a sponsor. I'm a little out of the norm, so women don't beat my door down to get me to sponsor them. I just do what God puts in front of me. I like your idea of womens meetings. I love to run to the meeting halls all over the valley. I make friends everywhere. So yes, keep your home group and have fun exploring too. I do ten or twelve meeting halls and have five home groups. Yeah, yeah, stodgy old timers admonish me that one should only have one home group, but enough is never enough for little Miss Jody. LOL! Keep clean and sober. if you need temporary encouragement, much help is right here too, just a PM away. Hug. JodyAnn

[Charlize]

I think having a sponsor is definitely important. My first sponsor was tough on me and we got through the steps, i was actually honest about my gender issues which i had always felt were my biggest character defect. He brushed it off. Later when i came out and started living full time he was the last to accept me in my home group. We had parted company before then and my wonderful new sponsor doesn't have a pushy attitude but is always there when i need him. He was the first i went to when i was coming out and he welcomed me to his home and helped me find myself. When anything comes up i know i have a friend who will come help. I am keeping my eyes open for a female sponsor but only get to a few women's meetings during a year. My home group is mixed but with only a few women. I may ask Bonnie at some point but there seems no rush. I have spoken for her at a women's meeting she leads and do think she has a great program. I have had both male and female sponcees and fortunately they are all sober at this point. My first went on to become a great sponsor himself and has a different sponsor. He loves the "new" me. My young lady is having trouble but it isn't with drink and she is going on two years. Anyway i would say that having a sponsor is great in helping us live within the program.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

As you probably know Erin, the "simple program" is the steps, not the fellowship of AA and of course its almost impossible to work the steps without a sponsor to guide you, to provide direction and act as a sounding board. So the sponsor is indeed pretty important. Even after working the steps it is good for me to have one. In fact, I would feel naked without one!

Regarding womens meetings, I only started attending last December, when I picked up my first woman sponsee. Since then I have been attending 1-2 x per week and love it. Total acceptance, no questions... Who knew it would be so easy... My current sponsor is female and watched me come in to AA a number of years ago. I asked her last summer and it has been a good fit for both of us.

I still have male sponsees but accept the fact they might want a man for a sponsor. Some of them love me alot and I love them all... Its in god's hands whether they are with me in a year...

Great topic and I'm glad you posted it!

Michelle

[Guest erinanita]

Well I guess it's unanimous. A sponsor is necessary.

On Monday I plan to start a twelve week step program. I should get a sponsor - female of course - because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make believe I was a male. And I don't want a male sponsor any more than I would want a male sponsee. I never attracted one of those yet in twenty years. I'll talk to another female member in my home group tomorrow. One I know is sponsoring another trans woman, a newcomer. No that might be too much pressure for her.

I will also try to get to a women's group in the next week. Obviously I need to find some more friends in the program. Thank you all for your support. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Erin

[Guest Al1e]

Hi I'm new here my name is Alie, ah this is pertinent for me as I have just parted company with my sponsor. He took me through the steps but over the last 6 months he has gone into meltdown and is acting out horribly in the rooms, abusing people verbally and I am , I must confess shocked and upset.

He's also come out with very personal stuff about me. I always share openly where appropriate and am glad I do as This guy has my step 4 and I don't trust him now

[VickySGV]

Ohhh Rough!! I hope a couple of our members who are sponsors will see this and be able to give some specifics on it, but I would talk to some one on your meeting board ASAP and see if they can help. If you can find your sponsor's sponsor that would be the best, and talk to them.

[Michelle 2010]

Hi I'm new here my name is Alie, ah this is pertinent for me as I have just parted company with my sponsor. He took me through the steps but over the last 6 months he has gone into meltdown and is acting out horribly in the rooms, abusing people verbally and I am , I must confess shocked and upset.

He's also come out with very personal stuff about me. I always share openly where appropriate and am glad I do as This guy has my step 4 and I don't trust him now

You don't say how much clean time you have, so what I will suggest may be easy to do or it may not...

Communication needs to be a two way street. Its ok to say to a sponsor, "I don't understand what you are doing. How does this fit into your program. I am having a problem with what I am seeing...." If he levels and says a marriage is dissintegrating or some trauma is happening, you could stick by him until it passes. If he won't tell you whats happening, get a new sponsor. Thank him for his service and tell him you must move on. Sponsors have been known to relapse too. They are alcoholics and human...

That said, there is a bigger problem.... Gossip.

He has totally betrayed your trust. That would be immediate cause for splitting in my book. Tell him he has violated a sacred trust and you are going to find a new sponsor. Its inexcusable to ever get specific about issues of a sponsee. I have vaguely mentioned issues I have run into as a learning point in meetings away from home, but never to identify it as an issue of a current sponsee.

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest erinanita]

I did speak with a woman at my home group about being a sponsor. She does sponsor another trans woman, one whom I attended support meetings with during my transition. She did say that we should get together and get to know each other to examine our compatibility. Compatibility is definitely a big issue in picking a new sponsor. I had mentioned to her right off the bat that it was my intention to find some women's groups to attend. She concurred with that and suggested that I network with about five women that I get along well with so that I could call on them when I can't reach my sponsor.

This woman is really not interested in my transition. She knows it's a part of me but it's in the past. I am simply a female and need a female sponsor. So I know it's not necessary to bring up the subject. I have been a female all my life just as I've been an alcoholic since birth. The two go together and that's all I need to be aware of.

I am looking forward to getting into some women's groups. A couple of months ago I attended a "Gratitude night" and met two women who identified as a couple. They invited me to sit with them and we had some interesting conversation. Though they are both in the program they rarely go to the same meetings. They've both recently come back to meetings after being away for several years, actually much longer periods than my absence. So I know I will find women I will be able to network with. They both invited me to meetings that they attended but they are both on the other side of the city. Nevertheless, it's time for me to make that drive.

Al1e,

If you're attending AA meetings and you are female or even in any stage of transition, you need to have a female sponsor. I have always known that females are different from men and that I could talk with them easier and find acceptance and trust. We don't mix well with men. They know it just as we do. In my home group when a newcomer attends the newcomers packages are handed out but packages intended for females only have women's names and numbers on them. The same is true for men's packages. It would be good to talk to your male sponsor before you fire him but you need to look for anew sponsor asap. Sponsorship and networking are all about trust.

I am starting my twelve step study group on Monday and I'm really looking forward to it. Erin

[Michelle 2010]

There is one caveat to the men with men and women with women formula. Some gay men prefer a female sponsor because of the lack of potential attraction. Conversely, I have also been told by a few gay guys that a gay male sponsor is preferred because the particulars of the 4th and 5th steps can be hard to discuss with people who haven't participated in the lifestyle...

So whoever a person picks should not carry the likelihood of romantic entanglements...

I agree with you Erin that the vibe in the women's meetings is so different than as a trans person in an lgbt meeting. Going to my first women's meeting was like "coming home"

Michelle

[Guest Al1e]

Thanks for all your help girls. Much to think about. I have 2 1/2 years sobriety but have been with this sponsor for 1 year. I do know that his sponsor died about 10 months ago and he hasn't found another one. I do feel better having shared with you all. Thanks, Alie

[Guest erinanita]

Alie I do hope that you will stick around. I have gotten some wonderful advice and friendship and love from the girls here. They have helped me tremendously in my transition and in my sobriety. When I first talked to my new sponsor she was really interested in finding out more about the girls I've been talking to.

Michelle I never actually thought about the different dynamics in the lgbt community. I did make many gay friends in the Pride Centre but they weren't in the same context as AA. I have pretty much shied away from the lgbt AA meetings. Partly because I just don't want to come out as being different. Having been a member of AA for over thirty years I just wanted to slip back into it as if I belonged there. And it worked. I do pass relatively well, except for my voice and I don't think I'll ever fix that. I feel great about the acceptance in my home group. But I did have serious hangups about my sobriety date and about sponsorship. All the advice from the playground has been right on.

Erin