Hello- new here (SO)

[Guest catgirl]

Hello,

I am female, a significant other and new here. My DH is not transgender but she (I understand this is the term I should use?) is a cross dresser. I only found out about this very recently. She has been doing this since before we met. I found her on porn websites talking (having cyber sex) with gay, transsexuals and cross dressers and "performing" on webcams. For her, the cross dressing is not so much about dressing up as a woman it is more about wearing my underwear and behaving in a sexual manner as described above. She does not fully dress beyond the underwear. She says she is attracted to men when a she and women when he. She was even on these porn sites the day before our wedding,

So lots going on here in terms of cross dressing and sexuality. At this stage, DH says is not transsexual but I guess that is a possibility.

It is not something I would have chosen in a partner to be perfectly honest and I am not sure if this spells the end for our relationship. The deceit and hiding it is a large part of the trauma. I would like to stress that i have nothing against transsexuals or cross dressers but struggle with my personal situation due to to deceit and engaging on the porn sites and doing this the day before the wedding.

I am looking to understand what my DH is as I and probably he are not sure and to hear from other SOs who have been in this situation.

Can I ask if I have to refer to DH as she? The reason I ask is because he is a cross dresser rather than a transsexual and identifies himself as a he.

[Guest LizMarie]

Welcome to Laura's!

It's important to realize that often the deceit arises not out of a deliberate desire to deceive but out of a fear of being ostracized for even having these desires. One way that the two of you may be able to move past the deceit issue is couple's therapy and focusing on the fact that the cross dressing itself does not upset you but that the deceit does, then allowing the therapist to help resolve that conflict. This assumes you decide you want to stay in the relationship, of course.

As for pronouns, our general rule is we refer to people how they wish to be referred. The advice in public is the same. One thing I've found useful in public is to simply introduce myself. I've done this to ensure that people know I expect to be addressed as a woman. I've also done this when I've met people I knew were trans in public locations. Introducing myself gives them a chance to introduce themselves and that alone can help clarify how someone wishes to be viewed. If someone gives me a feminine name, I address them as a female. If a masculine name, I address them as a male.

Here on the forums we tend to err on the side of caution unless someone has explicitly said they wish to be addressed in a certain manner. Since your husband is apparently not a member here and told you that he prefers being addressed as male, that would seem to be perfectly fine. If he registers and creates an account, he can clarify if he feels otherwise.

Finally, transgender tends to be an umbrella term that includes cross dressers, drag queens, gender queer folk, and transsexuals. My own preference is to refer specifically to transsexual individuals (those who suffer from gender identity dysphoria and fully identify with a gender opposite of what they were assigned at birth) in more precise language than just transgenders. However, the community (Laura's and beyond) also often use transgender to mean both, which can be confusing at times and I admit to having done that myself on occasion as well.

[Guest KimberlyF]

So lots going on here in terms of cross dressing and sexuality.

You noticed that quickly?

Officially, gender ID and sexuality/sexual orientation are distinct.

She says she is attracted to men when a she and women when he.

See above? Gender ID and sexual orientation are not the same. This is someone who isn't honest. Either to you or themselves or maybe both. One doesn't change sexual orientation like one changes socks.

There have been, for example, documented cases of people who ended up as gay men who thought themselves CD or TS up to and including hormones and living FT and SRS. The internal idea of being gay was harder to accept than the idea of being trans.

For her, the cross dressing is not so much about dressing up as a woman it is more about wearing my underwear and behaving in a sexual manner as described above.

While this isn't a proof, This could almost be used as a textbook example of a sexual fetish.

At this point, have you considered couples therapy?

[Guest catgirl]

Yes we are doing couples and individual therapy. He started off saying the porn use was an addiction and a coping strategy as he was chronically stressed. He has now concluded that the stress was caused by suppressing sexuality.

So if its a sexual fetush for him to have gay sex with crossdressers does that correlate with bisexuality?

I just do not feel he is a typical crossdresser in so far as he has not dressed as a child (he is in his 40s and this started 5 years ago). He has sexuality issues mixed in with this whereas most crossdressers are Hetero. And also he only crossdresses in underwear to use porn but not full female clothes or make up. This is why I wonder why he is really a crossdresser. As I understand whilst crossdressing has a sexual element to it, it is generally not primarily sexually motivated - is that correct?

He does not identify as a transexual he says

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi girl,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We have Significant Others & Friends meetings Sun & Tues. 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Guest Wanda Michelle]

Hi. Welcome to the site. Hopefully it will answer some of your questions.

I'm new here too. I am a lifetime cross dresser who truly enjoys being a woman. I kept this hidden until I was able to talk to others on this site. It helped me realize that there are a lot of girls like me out there that have similar experiences. Although I still keep it hidden, I am much more comfortable about being the woman I want to be.

Being married with children, I still keep it hidden and certainly wouldn't want anyone to find out. I have many ties to the community and don't think it would be well accepted if I came out. I don't like hiding my desires but just feel it is the best thing to do. I wouldn't want to upset everyone. So, it's not that I want to be deceitful just that I don't feel I have any other choice.

I am married (over 30 years) with children and as a man I don't want to be with other men. However, when I dress as a woman I am attracted to both men and women. I have never been with another man but certainly am not averse to the idea. Growing up I remember identifying with the women and putting myself in their place when I read or watched adult entertainment. I still do.

In short, I guess I love everything about being a woman and would love to have someone to share it with me but need to keep it hidden.

I hope this helps you a bit!

Love and Warmest Wishes,

Wanda