New Love, New and Old Problems

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

Hi everyone, I really need some place to just say something about what has been happening the last few days, can't discuss it with my friends for reasons I explain below. I will be seeing my GT tomorrow but I need to say something right now or I'll just be crying all day.

This Monday I got into a romantic relationship with a friend of mine, I've known her for about 5 or 6 months and she knows about me being trans. I didn't set out that day to get a girlfriend, I was actually asking her sister (who was a friend of mine) more about her and some of my insecurities about getting into a relationship. See I had strong feelings for this one friend and my current girlfriend, but the one for the former were stronger; the night before I decided I would stop pursuing her after I realized she could never see me in that way (I was never explicit with my feelings but I did more for her than I would for any other friend). I wanted to get some more information on N (my current girlfriend) from her sister cause she told me prior that N has had a major crush on me. I was thrilled to hear that, no one has ever had a crush on me (I have never had a girlfriend either, or boyfriend or any other kind of romantic relationship); I did flirt with her prior to us getting together but I didn't really think much of it.

Well when I was talking to N's sister about N, I asked if she was the kind of person who would ask first (ask me out first I mean) and she is way too shy with me to do that; this was a problem because I was the same with her. She offered to tell her for me, and before I could say no I got a message (I was messaging N's sister on facebook while this was going on) from N saying "Is there somethng you wanted to ask me?" N was in the room with her sister as I was messaging her, and she showed her what I wrote! I felt put on the spot and couldn't really say nothing, so I asked her out. She was thrilled! If anything her sister and sister-in-law were even more excited (they had been shipping us for months now). I still felt really weird about all this and my feelings were mixed up about it but she reassured me that it would be ok if we gave it time. I think I put that in jeopardy now.

See she lives in the UK while I'm here in the US; I plan to go to a uni in London this fall but that is still months away and I haven't even applied yet. It has been really stressful because for one thing she constantly wants to talk and text, and I am not really used to that; I was lucky to get a text from someone once a week but now it is every day! It is so much I feel a clostrophobic about it all, I'm still used to doing my normal routine of nothing all day with no one to talk to really. Secondly she is a lesbian; this adds a lot of problems because I don't think I can live up to her expectations, despite her saying otherwise. I'm still going through my gender in my head but after getting into this everything has become more chaotic; I feel more manly and masculine with these roles in a relationship that I associate with that gender (the evasiveness, the lack of commitment, and some other things I can't describe but feel); I really don't like those feelings, it has me messed up in the head and I can't keep a hold of who I am any more. Third, like me she is a very emotional person, maybe more so because she has already gone through relationships before and never felt loved. She also has some other things going on with her (personality and insecurity problems which I won't go into here) which make saying somethings to her difficult like "I'm not ready for this, I want more time and space, I want to stop texting so much." In just three days of texting, I have used almost 500 minutes just texting her. 500 minutes! I don't get unlimited text, I have to ask my mom to buy me a phone card so I can refil it; that is about the same as a $40 phone card for 600 minutes. I told her this and now she is mad at me I think, she hasn't said a word to me.

Oh god I don't want to hurt her but I am just not sure about my feelings. I didn't have the normal signs that you get when you are in love with someone (heck even infatuated with!). One thing that does bother me is that when I talk to her or hear about something from her that she loves me or something like that, my penis starts getting construct. It neve did that before and I just hate it! I hate that that is the only sign I get, and just adds to these mixed ideas of being more masculine. I can barely take care of myself, how the heck can I even be in a long-distance relationship with someone who is more into it than I am!?

Last night I saw her cry for the first time (because her dad hates that she is dating an American, he is English btw) and I don't ever want her to cry; I love the things we do (like our skype calls that are just us staring at each other, despite never looking directly at each other since it is awkward to look directly into the web cam lol) and I want to keep doing these things but I need more space and time and less of those feelings I can't describe but attribute to being male which I hate. I'm going to go over this tomorrow with my GT (I said that already but thought I would reiterate), but maybe y'all may have something to say about this, at least anything about the feelings and male things I seem to be having. Thank you.

Maia

[Charlize]

Hormones are very powerful dear. My desire and maleness drove me to forget or try to forget myself for long periods of my life. I am not at all surprised you are feeling this way. I am glad you have a therapist to discuss this with. There are so many things in your life now competing for attention. It does get easier and many may resolve themselves almost as miracles. You can, and perhaps should, cut back on you texting to her if only as a way to study and prepare to enter a university either in the UK or US. That may well be a more fruitful use of time. Romance can easily become all consuming even at a distance. Our hormones are very powerful!

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Lauren W]

In regards to the texting, may I suggest getting a messenger program like AIM? It's definitely a lot cheaper than texting and you can get apps for that kind of thing on smart phones.

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Maia. How did your GT session go? Did they have some constructive advice for you? I do hope so.

I was going to mention Skype, but I see that you and N are already into that, and I think that's a really good way to avoid doing nothing but texting. Of course, it has its limitations, too.

I don't really know what to tell you about your relationship. Sexual issues get very, very complicated for many of us. By the time we admit that we're trans, sexual preference issues that we never knew we had become a major issue, too. So you're dealing with both right now, and I don't blame you for being insecure and upset. Perhaps asking N to give you some time to process all of this would be the best way to go. Giving yourself a little space. Maybe set up some limits, like one text per day, and one Skype session per week.

Having an overseas romance is pretty difficult, even in the best of circumstances. I hope you two can work things out.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

Oh gosh I am so sorry to everyone for not replying sooner! I totally forgot I'm sorry. I'll get to answering everyone back

Hormones are very powerful dear. My desire and maleness drove me to forget or try to forget myself for long periods of my life. I am not at all surprised you are feeling this way. I am glad you have a therapist to discuss this with. There are so many things in your life now competing for attention. It does get easier and many may resolve themselves almost as miracles. You can, and perhaps should, cut back on you texting to her if only as a way to study and prepare to enter a university either in the UK or US. That may well be a more fruitful use of time. Romance can easily become all consuming even at a distance. Our hormones are very powerful!

Hugs,

Charlie

After a few weeks of being together we have started to work out some of these issues; trying to take time off from each other and such but it is kinda hard with her being very needy and her Aspergers is also a hurdle for me but I'm learning and loving a lot so I think it will be fine I'm not totally enveloped by this romance, I am online a lot and talking to her a lot because she needs it the most. It hasn't cut into my studying time any more than my other interests have (I am a really bad procrastinator and that has done me in a few times but have started on everything and got my student aid all taken care of so one thing down so far).

In regards to the texting, may I suggest getting a messenger program like AIM? It's definitely a lot cheaper than texting and you can get apps for that kind of thing on smart phones.

Oh Right I didn't think about that, that should be really helpfull thank you Still apprehensive about downloading apps and everything, it freaks me out everytime it comes up with the "We can read your texts and your messages and have access to all your data!" thing but I guess that is normal.

Hello, Maia. How did your GT session go? Did they have some constructive advice for you? I do hope so.

I was going to mention Skype, but I see that you and N are already into that, and I think that's a really good way to avoid doing nothing but texting. Of course, it has its limitations, too.

I don't really know what to tell you about your relationship. Sexual issues get very, very complicated for many of us. By the time we admit that we're trans, sexual preference issues that we never knew we had become a major issue, too. So you're dealing with both right now, and I don't blame you for being insecure and upset. Perhaps asking N to give you some time to process all of this would be the best way to go. Giving yourself a little space. Maybe set up some limits, like one text per day, and one Skype session per week.

Having an overseas romance is pretty difficult, even in the best of circumstances. I hope you two can work things out.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

I think it went pretty darn well thank you very much We only just started so nothing has really taken off thus far but hopefully it will. Been wanting to see her for the past few weeks but every day I could go something has come up, and takes forever to get in contact with her

She is pretty needy which does make it hard to put limitations on texting and such but I have it so that we vid chat on skype for one hour a day and only about 20 texts a day or less. It is hard but we are learning to adjust And as far as sexual preferences go it isn't that hard considering we are both virgins and sex isn't really high on our to-do-lists but we are both thinking about it which I tease and joke more about it than she does, but stop doing as much since it makes her uncomfortable.

Thank you all for your comments I really appreciate them