Worried about my cousin

[Guest melanie maritz]

My cousin is 20 years old and female, the day she told me she knew I was transexual, she said she thinks she might be a lesbian.

Then a few months ago she started telling me how she thought it would be so cool to be a guy and to have a male body.

Her boyfriend said I'm turning her into a lesbian because since she started talking to me about her feelings she started accepting a part of herself a bit more.

Now she told me she wishes she had a penis and I asked her on a scale of 1 to 10 , how badly do you want it, and she said 7. She said she wishes she was someone else, a guy in another life, not a girl. So I told her that's what most transexuals wish, to have been born the sex they were meant to be and not have to change it through surgery.

She seems very confused and I told her I hope she isn't denying that she is a transexual only to realise it when she's in her sixties as a lot of transexuals do. What do you guys think? I don't want to talk to her too much about it because her boyfriend will say I'm trying to change her into a lesbian again, which we all here know is impossible to do. Right?

[Charlize]

Melanie Dear,

In order to best help your cousin i would recommend that you perhaps mention to her that gender therapists (GT) are there to help us find a path towards our true natures. If she feels or even considers transitioning in her future that would help her a great deal. It may be possible to move along the path to gender change without professional help but the standards of care which are international do require some time with a trained therapist for various possibilities. Many of us can find peace without transition. It really is her path to discover. You may have shown her that a door to a possibility but she has yet to see some of the difficulties behind that door.

That being said i do not think you made her a lesbian or a transgendered person.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

You might find that talking about this NOW is going to save her and her boyfriend MUCH grief and suffering in the future.

Brenda

[JJ]

My recommendation would be to encourage your cousin to see a gender therapist and have a chance to discuss and sort out her feelings with a professional. Since many regular therapists are not yet up to speed on the new research and some even still treat this as a psychological rather than a physical condition it is omportant that it be someone with gender experience who is up to date on the standards and research

There is a lost on the site which can be accessed from the resource link on the front page. If no one is available locally Skype can be an option that is cheaper and still effective.

But FTMs seldom wait till their 60s to transition. The stats I have read are that most either suicide or transition by age 40. The dynamic seems to be different for us for some reason. I'm the exception to the rule and I know am only alive because I had a child I had to raise alone and vowed to do so no matter what. Either way finding out now and dealing with whatever the result turns out to be can save your cousin years of possible pain and misery and may even save your cousin's life. Having your cousin see a gender therapist will also help establish that it is not some influence you have had but an actual medical condition involved. In the meantime joining here may help your cousin with the questions and decisions.

Johnny

[Guest melanie maritz]

Thanks everyone, I'll ask her if she wants to join lauras playground. She doesn't seem unhappy to me, but she could be burrying her unhappiness deep down I guess.

I don't think she'll want to go to a gender therapist. She said she has accepted her body the way it is, despite wanting to be a guy. I told her that a sex change is more difficult for female to males but that other than that they transition quite well.

Should I just shut my mouth and not talk to her about it any more? She has brought up the subject every time so far , not me. But I'm affraid I'll just make her feel more confused

[Guest Stacie Cheyenne]

Melanie: I am no authority on this but. You & your cousin, Sound like you both are close and whether she is or isn't, She has opened up to you. And her boyfriend is probably jealous or something. I would follow your heart, and do what you would want somebody, To do for you, If the Roles were reversed. I don't know if this will help, But good luck;

Thank's your friend: Stacie Cheyenne:

[Guest LizMarie]

Our youth tends to be a time of self-discovery. If you had asked me if I was trans when I was, say, 14, I would have looked at you pretty strangely. I simply had no words for how I felt nor for what I wanted. I learned that people could have "sex change" operations when I was 10 or 11 years old but all the reporting then was sensationalistic and implied these were sick people. I didn't think of myself as sick so I didn't associate myself in my mind with those people, yet I fantasized about a sex-change operation. I was attracted to two boys in high school, both of whom ended up being among my closest friends. I kissed one of them, wished I was his girlfriend, and fantasized more about sex change operations. Yet when pressed to it, because of bullying and culture, I asserted quite forcefully that I was not "queer" (the term used for gay back then) and the word trans wasn't even in my vocabulary. That's the sort of ambiguity plus peer pressure that led to me suppressing things for years.

What I am saying to you is that your cousin may not really know at all. If I had a gender therapist back then, I'm pretty sure they could have helped me find my path through that forest. Instead I wandered that forest for decades until I realized that most of what I "knew" was wrong and began to honestly look at myself again.

So count me among those recommending finding a good therapist for your cousin. She may not be trans and she may not be a lesbian or she may be one or the other, or even a gay guy. But in the early years of our lives, there can be lots of confusing signals given and these can lead us in wrong directions.

A good therapist will help her find her direction. Start there. Whatever else is necessary will come afterwards.

[Guest melanie maritz]

I totally agree with everything you said LizMarie. But I don't think rhe would want to go to a gender therapist, almost like she feels it's not worth it to waste the time and money