My truth

[Guest KimberlyF]

I'm sitting here in a hotel in Millbrea, California.

Today I met Marci Bowers in person for the first time. Once again, I had to tell my story. Who I am, what I feel and how I got to where I am.

I am having a surgery I have thought about for about 30 years. For about as long as *I've* known it exists. She seemed satisfied, so it's still on.

There was a time when I was afraid to tell my story. It didn't make much sense to me. How could it mean anything to others? How could I ask for help with something I can't deal with on my own? How could anyone see me as anything other than insane. Or best case, different and not normal.

Well, I am different. I am far from the norm. I am not even in the norm when it comes to people dealing with these types of issues.

I knew that when I sat down with Dr. Bowers, there would be more questions than normal. I'm not dressed much different than any of the men I see around here. Well, I'm wearing shorts and t-shirt and they're all bundled up like its winter, because, well, it's their winter. I flew in yesterday. I wasn't sure going in to the weekend if the plane was gonna go as sched. We were expecting up to a foot of snow the other day. We do winters a bit differently in Chicago.

I have no legal changes. I have never set out the front door dressed100% in female clothes. I don't own a dress or skirt. I live in jeans and t-shirts. Exactly like I did 5 years ago. Exactly like I did 20 years ago.

I have been sir'ed and he'd (as in he's sitting right there) so many times since I've landed I lost track. And that's by the people working at the hospital. I had one woman say, "Kimberly? Right this way, sir." Then she drew blood. This stuff doesn't bother me like it did. I only control me.

According to HRC, my employer does not cover this procedure.

According to my employer, they do not cover this procedure.

According to the SOC, I don't specifically qualify for genital surgery

According to Dr. Bowers, she follows the SOC

I submitted it to BCBS and never received a single no. I know what no's look like. I get them all the time for my autistic son. BCBS has no problem paying 20k for me, but has a problem with 2k for something that could help my son strengthen his eyes to read better. I'm fairly confident he could be fired in about 30 states as it stands just for being autistic.

I didn't get a yes right away. But, as it turns out most of the problems were input/computer error. Together with my therapist and my surgeon, we told my story to BCBS. It demonstrated medical necessity. The surgery itself has been approved for about 9 months now. Human error, and miscommunication prevented the hospital stay and anesthesiologist from being approved till about a week ago. I was emailing and leaving phone calls to many people. I have been making these calls for over half a year. Sometimes I'd leave 3 messages a day just to make sure they were aware I wasn't going away and this was important.

3 years ago, if I purchased something wrong and it didn't work, or I got one as a gift or whatever, I couldn't go to a return desk and bring it back. I couldn't tell a waitress that she messed up my order. I couldn't pump gas if the pay-at-the-pump was broken. Now, I sit across the desk from people who I've never met in my life and with the simple act of paperwork, come out to them. I share something that I hid from most everyone for 40 plus years.

I had to learn to advocate for myself. It was foreign to me. I didn't feel like putting anyone out. Which is another way of saying I didn't think I was worth putting someone out. I am worth it.

That's in the past. I've done things that I never thought possible. As a born introvert with a social anxiety disorder, I didn't see a way for this to work. Even now, I can't feel comfortable. But I got to a point where I realized that nothing would ever get better unless I changed how I dealt with my life. I couldn't wait for others to stand up for me, I had to take charge of my own life. And it is a battle and it isn't always easy. And I am by no means done.

So I sit with Dr. Bowers to go over my history, and of all the things. I've obsessed about this trip and things that I'm afraid of , this part wasn't one. I never feared she could hear my truth, my story and say no.

I know that regardless of how I dress, that if I tell people the truth, my truth, and never lie, there is no doubt of medical necessity to those who care to listen. And I have the ability to explain what SRS will do for me. What I expect, and what I hope for going forward. And also what I know that it won't do for the many relationships in my life and other issues.

And so, on Wed, I am having surgery. I am not the norm, either in society as a whole or in trans circles. And I am OK with that. I am me, and in telling people about me and documenting it with a medical file, and in asking people for help, people have been willing to help. Even when the policy stated is a no.

[Guest Jenni_S]

I've known you for nearly 20 years, Kim, and what a long, hard struggle it's been. All my best for you and yours, and may you have a speedy recovery!

[Guest April63]

Thanks for sharing your story with us, Kim. I can appreciate the hard work that you've gone through to get to where you are now.

Good luck on your surgery and recovery!

April

[Carolyn Marie]

Thank you for sharing that with us, Kimberly. I doubt it was an easy thing to do, which makes me appreciate it all the more. I congratulate you on the changes in your life, your hard work, and your desire to not take no for an answer. I wish you all the best on your surgery and afterwards.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

You will be something there to the nursing staff Kim, let them give you the care you doubt you deserve, but let it happen!! Yiou will need it and you will get it at last. My thoughts will be with you!!

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

I know what you mean about being afraid to tell anyone your story, as I had hid from my story my entire life.

I feel I have finally come to a point in my life where denying or lying about my story hurts worse than living my story into the future.

Recently I started coming out to family and friends and people here at LP, I finally reached out and have been going to a therapist and for the first time ever I actually told another human being my story and ALL of it nothing held back nothing covered over just plain old "truth". I did not leave a medical history per say in the same sense you did, but I left a lifetimes worth of baggage,heartache,and broken dreams with another person who was more than willing to listen even if I was paying her. That truth so powerful in the way it left my lips and into another persons ears has completely changed how I view myself.

I actually dont despise myself for being a freak as I had always done before, I actually feel I am worth something now,and that I am not alone in this world anymore. I know the odds are still against me at every turn but I know there is hope and I know I am worth helping myself now. The cycle of self destruction has finally ended. I cant say I have overcome completely I still have moments of great despair,but I know if I just hang on a little longer things will get better just as they have been since my own acceptance.

I feel a new hope and a desire to build instead of tear down. (Ask others here and they may say I still need to work on that) I will agree. I still have decades worth of self induced loathing and crap to wade through and sort out some of the ingrained pain of the past persona. That of course is going to take some time to figure out on its own. My confusion still swirls around at intermittent intervals,but the clarity in what needs to happen to be a happy me is within sight for the first time.

All that due to the fact I have stopped denying who I am and have started to live the life and be the person I have always known I am,and discussing that truth with others as "me",albeit in often mixed up ways. Self advocating is the only way one can can accomplish any of these goals, they are hard and sometimes painful,and a sure bet nobody else on this planet is going to be willing to feel your pain and do them for you. So it really is up to us.

I have come to find that even though others have been in my shoes and Therapists and Doctors know more about all this than I do, they still dont know who I am better than me,and if they are wrong it is up to me to advocate for myself their error about me.

A time not so long ago I was willing to take this truth to my grave by my own hands alone in silence having never shared, now you cant get me to shut up it,the dam has broke...

I congratulate you Kim on knowing who you are despite what a doctor or SOC says or doesnt say,you know what needs to happen more than anyone else. I am glad you have the courage to discuss that here because it is inspiring to hear for those of us who are still floundering and trying to find our way.

Thank You, and continued luck and assertion in your long,hard fought for,and well deserved journey.

Brenda Hailey

[Cyndee]

Wishing you the best Kimberly, you are with the best.

Cyndi -

[JJ]

Believe it or not I am very happy for you Kim and wish you all the best.

Though in different ways I am not the norm either-tried so long and hard to be once that I nearly broke my heart on it-and then realized I don't really like normal much anyway. Congratulations on all that you have accomplished. And will go on to accomplish.

Johnny

[Guest kristendk]

Thanks for sharing your story with us, Kim. I can appreciate the hard work that you've gone through to get to where you are now.

Good luck on your surgery and recovery!

April

Thank you for sharing that with us, Kimberly. I doubt it was an easy thing to do, which makes me appreciate it all the more. I congratulate you on the changes in your life, your hard work, and your desire to not take no for an answer. I wish you all the best on your surgery and afterwards.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

I'll second those comments. Be well, and be YOU!

Kristen

[Drea]

You overcoming your fears and obstacles is certainly something that has forced you outside your comfort zones and hopefully it translates into more than just this narrow endeavor. For having done that much however, regardless of where it leads, you do deserve some recognition and the right feel good about that accomplishment.

The surgery part and recovery I suspect in many ways will be the easiest and I hope it goes well.

Your story highlights one example as to how diverse people's needs are and their paths.

In this transition or not kind of dialog and the transition is the only solution dialog people in the community engage in, I have to ask, do you view having SRS now, while still living as a man as transition?

And if you don't consider it transition? Does having surgery mean you intend to transition? Or is it something you will figure out later?

[Guest KimberlyF]

Interesting questions.

In this transition or not kind of dialog and the transition is the only solution dialog people in the community engage in, I have to ask, do you view having SRS now, while still living as a man as transition?

OK...first, I never really lived as a man. I am legally a man according to the Gov, and I have not made a legal transition. Along with that, I have not socially transitioned nor will this SRS make that happen. But from prior to adulthood, I have been in constant fear that someone would figure out I was TS, so I was always on edge. I didn't drink much because I was afraid of losing control. I spent so much time trying to mimic the world of the men around me, while knowing I was not one of them. I didn't internally feel like I have this male life and that ended and now she is emerging. I was always me. Any changes, any transitions would be for the sake of others. Any self-improvement and self-acceptance is for me. This surgery is another step so that I can love and connect with my own body.

And if you don't consider it transition? Does having surgery mean you intend to transition? Or is it something you will figure out later?

I am a work in progress. I am trying to wear what I want, do what I want as far as makeup, etc. Remove hair or whatever bothers me. I'm trying to do what I want instead of what people tell me I should want. And in the process figure out where the social and legal fit. It wasn't triggering to get called sir a bunch of times at the hospital. Or to have to switch from legal name to preferred name on paperwork. It was just a pain in the rear. As always, there is a balance I have to find. What bothers me more? The negative impact and risks of coming out to everyone everywhere for what gain and what risk, or the annoyance at having to explain myself over and over every time I go somewhere? How can I move beyond this if I have to ask if they want my preferred name or legal name?

Yep, every day I'm trying to figure it out.

[Guest LizMarie]

Good luck, Kimberly. May your surgery be without complication, your recovery swift, and you achieve all you hope to achieve.

[Guest Melissa~]

Kimberly thank you so much for sharing all that. I do understand what a private person you've been. In that context sharing your story in a private care setting is profound. In a limited public space like this is downright audacious. With your very long time working up to a visit with Dr Bowers it's very important to you. May you have a speedy recovery.

[VickySGV]

Just looked at the clock Kim and know you are either in "The Room" or the folks in the prep area working with you now, sleep well and safe, and you will have one more piece or even several of the pieces of you life put together. The other side is waiting for you sis.

[Guest Jennifer T]

I am crying! Tears if joy, tears of sadness, tears of longing... I'm not certain. But my heart wells with hope and the thoughts of such beauty for your future.

Be well, Kimberly. Be at peace with yourself.

[Guest Jenni_S]

I talked to Kim this morning from her room, she's doing fine, if a bit woozy. I'm sure we'll be hearing from her soon!

[Cyndee]

I talked to Kim this morning from her room, she's doing fine, if a bit woozy. I'm sure we'll be hearing from her soon!

Good to hear Jen,

Best to you in the recovery Kimberly

C -

[VickySGV]

I talked to Kim this morning from her room, she's doing fine, if a bit woozy.

Sounds about right!!! She has good folks taking care of her there too!!

[Charlize]

Hope Kimberly is doing well and is as comfortable as she can be. I admire her courage to live as herself.

Hugs,

Charlie

[VickySGV]

Hopefully she will be up and walking in just a little while.

[Guest KimberlyF]

I'm like 3 inches from reaching a tub of ghirardelli chocolate squares. I brought it cause I wanted to keep the nurses in the area of my bed.. But I can't reach them. Next time I bring a plastic claw.

The pain was not bad so far and the bowel prep before wasn't all that bad either. I had a kidney stone in Jan. That was a lot worse.

[VickySGV]

Doing great there sis!! I never tried the chocolate thing?? Maybe I missed something there!! The kidney stone thing would have been the topper for sure.