living in stasis

[Guest Anomaly]

Hi all,

I recently had a conversation with a friend that got me thinking about my current situation and I felt the need to share.

My best friend was the 2nd person I "came out" too and as expected she was very supportive (and not overly surprised lol). We live very far apart so mostly only talk on the phone but we talk often and share all the good times and the bad ones.

She asked how things were going with my gender identity and how my hub was dealing. I confessed that though my hub is dealing well, he does have a hard time truly understanding because it's not something he can really relate too with him being a very confident CIS man.

I told her that I was finding out more about myself and that I had been forced to deal with issues I had long thought were not and that after a lot of self searching I felt closer to being FTM rather than Genderqueer. I told her that I felt that I may have been keeping myself from seeing the truth about myself out of fear of loosing my husband.

Of course she asked The Question, do I want to transition? It took me a bit to answer but for the first time I voiced what I had been keeping quiet since I started this; what gives me nightmares and shoots my anxiety so far up that I feel like I'm gonna throw up... At the moment I don't feel I want to take hormones or have surgery but if it ever came to my husband and I not being together anymore, I would more than likely go the full deal...

She was actually surprised, asked a few more questions before giving another whopper. If I really was FTM wouldn't I have known I wanted to do this since for a long time? That from her understanding trans people always knew and didn't hesitate as much as I have been. I know she was just trying to understand but it did make me question myself even more.

I told her it wasn't that simple and that you'd be surprised what you can hide from yourself. It did get me thinking, why was I going through this now, at almost 30.

I think for me its almost like I've been in a sort of stasis since I hit 21... I love the family I've made for myself and I'm very lucky to have it but it does have some disadvantages.

I've been with the same person since I was 15, though we weren't each first anythings, I never gained the "wisdom" I think would come from the trial and error dating in you teens and early 20s brings.

I was happy in my relationship and saw my insecurities, quirks and bouts of depression as just that and never really saw the need to explore the whys. But I did loose a lot of myself over the years...

We started having children early on (by choice), I was pregnant with my first born at 21 and I've had 3 other children since. I love my kids and after a while became a stay-at-home parent. My life became about just trying to raise my children and I put myself on the back burner. I went through some post-partum and had rough go of it for a while. It was part of my recovery to relearn about myself, to do things that would make me happy, and that's what led my here.

So to me it feels like I've been living in this little time bubble for the last decade and now it's popped and I have all this catching up to do...

[JJ]

When I realized that there was a name for the secret I held inside and how it all fit together it took months to decide to transition and start hormones. There was no internet-no information -and because this was something I didn't feel I could tell even the two therapists I saw I pushed it back and went on with life because that was the only choice I knew. I had been lucky enough to be diagnosed by a therapist 45 years ago as having a male mind and brain in a female body. He was intrigued because I was unique in his experience -the term transman or FTM didn't even exist then. He felt it was an intrensic part of my mind and personality but didn't understand how or why. He didn't see me as psychologically or mentally ill in any way except depression from trying to be like other people when I was in his experience unique. Not the same as mentally ill. He did say it would make my life difficult. And he was right. As I said I had not disclosed to him that I always felt male deep inside and had since at least age 3. He deduced the male brain thing from a psychological test and from apptitude tests he had access to since he was affiliated with the colledge I was attending. That gave me a ground to stand on in a way. I learned to cope

So it took awhile to get through all the coping strategies I had adapted to find who I really was as opposed to who I had been trying so hard to be to fit expectations. This is a very slow and complex process. For me the important thing was to accept whatever I found as I worked through everything.

One other thing that might help-my daughter who was mid-30s when I decided to transition had a rough time with it for awhile but eventually she told me she wished I had transitioned when she was young because I am a better, happier person and because I socialized her more as a male without realizing it. SHe likes the way she is but feels that it would have actually been far less confusing had she known all along. I have a granddaughter I have co-parented since she was born and she has been great with it. No problem at all. Nor has she had any problems at school as I feared since we live in a deeply conservative area where there are more churches than businesses and most are fundamentalist. The kids know. A new kid even asked her directly this year. The comment when she confirmed my situation was "Cool". I attend school functions etc with no problems.

Take your time and let things work through. There is no need to push or rush. I started out planning to do nothing but found what seemed unrelated was actually the source of all the misery and pain and depression. Things I though I carried with me from the past that never healed even turned out to be not really issues but a way I had displaced the pain from being trans. That may not be so for you -or it may-but the only way to find peace is to work through it. Finding a good gender therapist-and many therapists are not up on the latest on gender issues which have changed dramatically in the last 5 years or soa nd may still see it as a psychological issue that needs treatment when it is a physical condition. We need guidance to decide where we fit on the spectrum and what to do about it and not treatment. In the long run a gender therapist can save you months-or years-of misery and confusion

Johnny

[Charlize]

I like the question about how come you didn't know before now that your friend asked you. I can relate to both the question and the way it makes you feel. I didn't start transition until i was 63 years old. I had learned to live a life and love the family and life that i had. There were often thoughts and feelings that i simply could not express and which i did my best to push away. They were disturbing at best and seemed to threaten everything i knew. I love my wife and family, my neighborhood and so much of existence before transition. I've been fortunate. Things are different but i have not suffered the loses i feared.

I think i didn't know for several reasons. Like Johnny i didn't even know transition was possible. Oddly the only person i knew was an old family FTM friend. When i confided in him he got angry and wouldn't consider it. I think he also worried about my family. The internet when it finally came around was full of images of she-males in porn. That wasn't me at all. Hiding in a kind of blissful ignorance was the best i could do.

Life has changed and being able to discuss this kind of issue with others is a big reason for that.

Thank you for sharing.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest kristendk]

There are a good many of us who had hints or clues or feelings along the way, but still weren't able to put everything together and see the big picture for quite a few decades. Many times, the initial picture we get isn't the full picture, either. (I think in some cases, it's just too much to process all at once, and so we end up processing bits at a time.)

Kristen

[Guest SouthernBelle]

It's neat that you used the word genderqueer. Sorry to bogart, but do you happen to know other people that identify as genderqueer?

[Guest kristendk]

Southern Belle,

I include myself in that category.

Kristen

[Guest SouthernBelle]

Southern Belle,

I include myself in that category.

Kristen

Really? That's great! I'm in that category, I just can't find any info online of our type. Are you transitioning/planning to?

[Guest kristendk]

Southern Belle,

I include myself in that category.

Kristen

Really? That's great! I'm in that category, I just can't find any info online of our type. Are you transitioning/planning to?

I would like to transition, but I'm married and I have a daughter. My wife doesn't want to lose her husband, and at the moment we don't feel it's appropriate to tell our daughter. It's not in the budget at this point anyway, so I'm going with the flow for now. I'm a lot less stressed now that I'm out to my wife and a few other family members.

Kristen

[Guest SouthernBelle]

Anomaly,

I'm so sorry to have distracted attention from your original post... I think that most of us can understand feeling like we have to catch up... C'est la vie, it is what it is. I see that you're fairly new to LP. Welcome! While you and I are on opposite ends of the equation, I want you to know that you can always PM me if you need someone to talk to.

Hugs,

Belle

[Guest ashleynikole]

It is not uncommon to hide what you feel from yourself. I've read it quite a bit in all my research and I even hid it from myself for 30+ years. I actually have been a crossdresser since I was about 10 but didn't really explore that part of me until I was in my teens. From that point on, I just thought I was sick and twisted and messed up and would mentally beat myself up for liking what I liked and wanting what I wanted (that is to be a girl or wish I had been born a girl).

I tried to push it down and even got married and have 5 kids, but it wasn't until my nervous breakdown that I had to pursue some course of action for relieving the pressures that came from my gender dysphoria.

I didn't know until I was 36 that I was transsexual, but looking back now, I can see that I had known for almost 30 years that something wasn't right. So I see you being right and I also see your friend being right.