Coming out transgender in a lesbian relationship

[Guest Cotysway88]

So I recently came out to my partner of almost 5 years as transgender. Times are hard right now and I know she's questioning her identify because of this. Every time I try and talk to her about anything that deals with trans she always has something negative to say. Nothing ever positive. I feel like she's more considered of what other people will think of her. I haven't gotten much positive reinforcement from her and its starting to put up a wall in between me and her. I know she loves me and doesn't want us to be apart. But at the same time she's scared of the changes that will come of me. And once the changes start happening I have a gut feeling she will leave. She says I can tell anyone that I want about me coming out as trans but at the same time when she finds out that someone knows she gets upset and angry. I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm at a lose in my relationship. I love her more than anything but I just don't think she can handle something like this. Any advice on what to do?

[Charlize]

First let me say welcome to Laura's. Many of us have come out while in relationships. The results are as varied as the folks involved. I've been fortunate and my relationship is still intact although it is different. My wife never expected to be a lesbian and has trouble with the concept but is still with me. The reactions of friends can also put pressure on us. All i can say is to take it as slowly as you can and try not to do any ultimatums or demands for recognition. Odly i think my wife learned a great deal as she saw others accept the transition and support me through the process without judgement.

Best of luck, Things will work out.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Jtlloyd64]

Let me also say Welcome & you are not alone !

I told my partner of 12 years now about a year into are relationship. I wanted to tell her right off, but she was battling demons of her own.

She was the 1st person I ever told & I was almost 39 years old.

She was very supportive, but same thing happened....if I talked about it she got very upset.

She would flip back & forth.....one minute telling me she would give anything if we had the finances for me to be able to trans. but then it would become

all about her & what would that make her, what would others think, she doesn't want a man...she is a leasbian...ect....all the stuff I am sure you have heard.

She identitfies as being a lesbian as I do being a man. She finally agreed ( after 5yrs of knowing ) for me to start Thearapy, but then got very, very upset about me doing so that before I could get my letter for Dr. I stopped going. Now after 11 years she is finally to a point for her that we can talk & she doesn't get so upset.

She still worries about how I would handle if I had to find a new job since my resume & old jobs know me as female & all the other things that go along with it.

Anyway....all I can tell you is take it slow & as much as you love her you can't control & make her except who you are.

PM me anytime & we can talk more. There is a lot more I could tell you.

Jamie

[Guest MrAwesome]

I'm not sure if I have much along the lines of advice for you. My wife and I met as gay men. Around that time I had just been experimenting and embracing my identity as a gay man, going to all the LGBT events I could and what not. We met as gay men, and when I originally told her that I'm trans it just came up in conversation and she thought I was referring to her, and I was like... No, I meant me, I'm trans. You're trans too? She's intersexed and at the time she was mostly using male pronouns and presenting as more male. So that's what I used. We have 2 little men on the back of our car, out names in rainbow letters on the windshield, we have matching gay tattoos, she had 1 from years ago and I got 1 to match her. A little bit before we got married she started presenting more as female, carrying a purse, wearing dresses, etc. For a while I was going back and forth between pronouns depending on what she was wearing. However, it was simply easier to refer to her as female all the time, and in reality being with her is just like being with any woman.

While there's a part of me that wanted to be with a man, and wanted that kind of relationship, there's a lot more to love than what's between their legs or what gender they identify as. There's a lot more to a person. There's nothing I could even begin to conceive of that would change that.

Not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who you love and care about because they're not the gender you're supposed to be attracted to is just as bad as someone denying their affection to someone of the same sex because they feel like they're supposed to be straight. It's shallow and ridiculous to consider a label as being more important. It's time that people stop worrying about labels and about who they're supposed to be, and simply be. So I guess my advice isn't so much for you but for her - if you love someone, love is not dependant on gender. You can adjust and adapt to the changes. A part of being in a relationship is learning to grow and adapt with the other person, and sticking with each other even in the face of adversity. Not throwing it away at the slightest sign of trouble. This isn't some unbeatable obstacle, but rather a chance to learn and grow together.