two years ago

[Charlize]

Two years ago i sat in front of my AA home group as a speaker. The month before i had lead the meeting as Chuck and had sat up front facing the room as him. Here i was as her and i was scared to death that the people i had grown to trust and rely on would turn their backs on me. Some of the members of a GLBT group where i would go as female attended to support me and it helped to see their faces in the crowd. I was scared. Some folks had only known her but most only knew him.

They had seen me crawl into the room 5 years before as a hopeless drunk close to death. Over the years of sobriety i slowly found a way to be honest about myself. I went to a woman's meeting, gay meetings and tried to hide in some straight meetings out of town as myself. My home group was the final step.

At first only a few people recognized me. I was given a gift of speaking what i needed to say and what i hoped might help others. I was honest and vulnerable as i had never been. I was greeted with tears and hugs not rejection. I became a grateful alcoholic and realized that a power greater than myself had given me strength. Shortly afterwards i wandered into Laura's and a few months later went full time.

I owe not only my life to the rooms of AA but i owe the realization of a power and acceptance that has allowed me to grow. No longer a drunk killing myself not so slowly at the end.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Jennifer T]

Beautiful, Charlize. I like the new name, btw.

Peace

[VickySGV]

There is a lesson all of us can learn from this,

Other people accept us more readily than we accept ourselves.

Be it as Trans*, addict, or only our HP knows for sure, others accept our humanity, if we can just admit to being human and ask to be accepted in ways however small or minds and bodies however weak.

[Guest Jennifer T]

There is a lesson all of us can learn from this,

Other people accept us more readily than we accept ourselves.

Be it as Trans*, addict, or only our HP knows for sure, others accept our humanity, if we can just admit to being human and ask to be accepted in ways however small or minds and bodies however weak.

Not entirely true, Vicky. Some will accept us. But the very reason that many of us are as we are is because people did not accept us; specifically when we most needed to be accepted. There's a bit if irony there, no?

Most of us at a young age go into hiding, or 'stealth' mode because others showed us exactly how much they would not accept us.

Now, that said, I believe as adults we can learn to accept ourselves and we can find those others around us who will accept us as well. But it isn't easy. And in Charlize's post, the people who accepted her readily were people who knew the difficulties of pain, denial and solitude. Sometimes, it is those people who have come to face the harsh realities of life and have found themselves on the cusp of societal rejection who more easily embrace acceptance of others. Because they know what it feels like to be low.

Peace.

[Charlize]

Allow me to elaborate a bit. Vicki is certainly correct. I could not accept myself when i was drinking. I hated myself and was filled with shame. When i came out in AA i was still very much ashamed of myself. That shame has gone and i am accepted not only there but by almost all the folks in my small town where i grew up and live with my family. I'm sure that past generations would perhaps not have been so accepting. The same may be true of other areas of the country even now. What i know is that even in rural New Hampshire i have found acceptance in AA. Many of us with a drinking or substance problem are afraid to come out anywhere. That has never been my experience in AA. When it has happened elsewhere i've heard of a quick reaction from the members of the meeting. One thing that AA stresses is being open to any and all with substance abuse problems. AA for alcoholics and NA for other drugs. (most meetings now know that many of us abuse both).

My shame was rooted in fear and that fear was brought on by the reaction of others or rather the reactions i feared.

Sharing those things that have hurt us is one of the things we do in AA to help ourselves and others. When i shared my deepest secret with a room full of people including strangers i took the first step in accepting that my Higher power could carry me through anything that came of it. I began to accept myself. That was simply a miracle. Scars of the past were healed and i glimpsed a freedom i never thought possible

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Jennifer T]

OK

[Guest thevaliantx]

I could not be accepted by my family, friends and school when I was growing up, so I had no chance of ever getting to know Kristie as a child.

[Michelle 2010]

Congratulations Charlize. I, too, have found a great deal of acceptance in the AA community and understand the courage required to step out as our true selves; particularly in front of those who have known us while still closeted and are witnessing the change. I agree that AA folks are pretty open to peoples personal journeys and personal hell's.... Most resistance has been mine...

I also understand and sympathize with the other posters who have faced rejection. They no doubt are correct, but that doesn't invalidate what you said.

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest Jennifer T]

Actually Charlize, and only because it seems your second post was in response to mine, show me how anything you said I your second post contradicts anything I said in mine? What you said in you second post actually aligns pretty well with what I said.

And I'll say this. It was YOU who went to that meeting as Charlize instead of Chuck. It wasn't their acceptance if you that took you to the meeting. It was you finding a small way to accept yourself n spite of the reactions of others in the past and the feared reactions that might come in the present. You did that. Alcoholic, trans, or whatever other issues you may have faced or whatever labels you might have had placed upon you, YOU made the choice to go. And that is where the miracle truly lies.

I am in no way trying to discard the beauty you found there or the acceptance. But as I said, the other AA members you faced also know the heartache of rejection or at least feared rejection. And because they shared that commonality with you, it was easier for them to accept Charlize than it might be for others to do so.

And I stand by what I said - there are those who never will accept us as trans. And I sat through a on drearily with a relative last night that showed just how deeply ingrained that kind of attitude can be.

Peace this day.

[Charlize]

My post was in no way meant to find a fault with any post. I found wisdom in all that i have read here. Thank you for sharing.

The rooms of AA were oddly somewhat similar to the gay bars i used to frequent. I knew the folks there felt like outcasts and while they didn't understand me the judged me with the knowledge of an underclass. Some of these folks were still openly hostile while at the same time i had great conversations with guys who were trying to understand who and what i was. This did make it easier for me. At the time i had no idea how to "pass" or find freedom from a lifetime of suppressing gender issues. Any form of being myself was appealing drunk or not. The fact we "odd ones" were outside the general population made acceptance easier i'm sure.

I had lived a lifetime of hiding in a closet as so many of us do. Drunkenness was one relief for me and for some time it worked until the addiction took over my entire life. Getting sober i spent 3 years hiding again and gave up any exploration of my gender issues. The only time she appeared was going through the steps of AA when i told my sponsor about what i considered my biggest character defect. He barely noticed the significance of my statement and it passed in a moment. It was a step for me however. I began to work past and look at my feelings and the reality of who i am. Certainly there was perhaps more acceptance in the rooms. Heck we accept anyone . No person is condemned to death by alcohol if they ask for help from the fellowship. That being able to see others with problems was indeed helpful in letting go of my fear and self loathing.

The loathing i mentioned was perhaps even worse than anything else. I also had to somehow find peace with myself. That did not happen with drink. It did happen with time working the steps of AA. Even though my sponsor didn't understand, he allowed me begin to be honest with myself. That alone was a miracle. The rooms gave me the space the wings that had grown out of my caterpillar self. I stopped crawling as a worm, ashamed of self, and feeling stronger as myself broke out and flew.

I think that is one of the power's of Laura's as well. We see good folks here who are like us and that helps us accept ourselves despite the outside world. There is certainly hate but i feel surrounded by love.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Jennifer T]

If I've caused any offense to either you or Vicky, I ask your forgiveness. As pixels on a screen I am sure it's not always easy to acertain someone's intent. Please believe that offense is never my intent and even if I sound oppositional, it's probably my attempt at clarifying comments or elucidating ideas and emotions that live within me.

I am very glad you've found that acceptance and love at AA and here at Lauras. Everyone should be so lucky. But many of us are not. We simply endeavor to interact effectively in a world in which we seemingly do not belong.

Peace this day.

[VickySGV]

Jennifer T: I can hear true pain in what you are trying to make clear about you and your life.

A part of my back-story that Charlize knows (and is written here in the forums) is that I too am a recovering addict, In my case, both alcohol and prescription medications. This is my second time in recovery after a relapse that was meant to kill me. I had abandoned a prior recovery of 16 years because I could not accept my being TS and wanted the lethal effects of booze on my blood pressure and diabetes, or if not death then the numbing of my entire existence.

In my case, it was not an AA meeting where I came out, but rather a group of people whose addictions covered the whole spectrum of misery that we humans can inflict on ourselves. All of us were there because there was something about our inner selves that we did not and could not like or love and in subtle ways had wanted to destroy some part of our bodies that was causing a pain for which there was no medicine other than the chemical substances going into our bodies. We were the lowest of the low, gutter scum was miles above us and we were carrying some of the heaviest burdens of fear guilt and shame. We were learning once again to love ourselves by sharing and offering acceptance to others, which was easier than accepting ourselves at first. My coming out and identifying what I liked the least and feared the most about myself was not done out of joy, but despair. As it turned out though, others too shared their deepest and most terrifying secrets in the weeks to come.

I too have places where people who do not admit their own fears and terrors and who make themselves feel good by putting me down as someone beneath them even now. I have family members who have shunned me, and I deal with people who would not deal with me if they knew who and what I am really am as far as Trans* goes. To them with their perfect and righteous lives, I am what I "knew" that I was as an active addict. I do indeed know the sort well, and I do not need or even want their approval, but do hold my heart out to them. I accept myself now, and I walk with my Highest Power on a daily basis. I also pray for the forgiveness of those who cannot and will not accept me as addict, Trans* or any low human trait.

[Charlize]

Jennifer dear one there was no offense taken. I only wished to offer to others what i found in my life. As Vicki noted my higher power found and nurtured in AA actually has made walking through the occasional hate that comes at me possible. I have grown to believe that my addiction and the pain it gave me was a gift rather than a curse. I have been given a way to live as myself regardless of the reactions of others. The jabs and hurts directed at me hit but do not do the huge damage they once did. We all suffer rejection. Even those who are cis gendered face the fear of rejection or bullies. My higher power has made it possible for me to look at those jabs in a different light.

I do have peace this day. I am deeply grateful for that.

Hugs and love,

Charlize

[JJ]

Charlize I am so thankful that AA has helped you to become the wonderful and inspiring woman I have come to know here.

Though I had heard of AA of course it was not until I heard from the people here what an amazing difference it can really make in lives. Now that my SIL has been attending he has begun to change radically and it seems almost miraculous to me.

Thank you for sharing your story and for being an inspiration here as well

Johnny

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Congratulations Charlize I am glad you were able to find some peace within yourself that day.

I have been reading the rest of the posts here as well and find it quite intriguing.

Not entirely true, Vicky. Some will accept us. But the very reason that many of us are as we are is because people did not accept us; specifically when we most needed to be accepted. There's a bit if irony there, no?

Most of us at a young age go into hiding, or 'stealth' mode because others showed us exactly how much they would not accept us.

Now, that said, I believe as adults we can learn to accept ourselves and we can find those others around us who will accept us as well. But it isn't easy. And in Charlize's post, the people who accepted her readily were people who knew the difficulties of pain, denial and solitude. Sometimes, it is those people who have come to face the harsh realities of life and have found themselves on the cusp of societal rejection who more easily embrace acceptance of others. Because they know what it feels like to be low.

Peace.

Jennifer T has a very valid point. Not everyone accepts us even if we do accept ourselves. I agree with that %100

I bring you my story from AA 15 years ago I was in AA and getting my act together putting together a good stretch of sobriety. While in my home group I was decided I was going to go up to the podium and tell my story I was quite nervous and hesitant to do so. before the meeting got off to its official start me and my sponsor were sitting together he was reassuring me everything would be ok, when all of a sudden a fully dressed and obviously transgender woman walked in and sat down near us. I dont remember word for word what my sponsor said but I can remember the look on his and other peoples faces in the home room, my sponsor told me something along the lines that I had nothing to worry about and my problems were no where near as bad as the transgender person sitting next to us.... The IRONY of that statement still rings in my head today,because at that time my problems were as bad as that trans womans problems because we are the same.

Needless to say that trans woman was NOT accepted by everyone at that home group, she may have not been openly mocked but I know for a fact she wasnt accepted,embraced for being an alcoholic sure,but not accepted for who she was.

It wasnt to much longer after that I just went through the motions of AA, I did pretty well at pretending my way through it and passed into my 1 year chip, and then I left AA knowing in my heart that they couldnt fix me either.

AA wasnt a total loss for me it did teach me many valuable lessons at being sober and that I can indeed remain sober if I try but it certainly did not address my issues of acceptance with myself at all. Yes I accepted I am an alcoholic but we didnt even scratch the surface as to why. I take full responsibility for not being completely honest with myself and everyone there but as my memory serves I wasnt exactly going to be accepted anyway.

I honestly dont think any amount of AA would have made it possible for me to come out of my transgender shell at that time anyway I was so oblivious to everything it meant I didnt have the knowledge or mental capacity to even aknowledge I was trans.....However I did know deep inside I was just like that woman who walked into that meeting even if I didnt know how to admit it or even begin to accept it myself.

Would I be accepted in that home room all these years later as Brenda? maybe. But I found Brenda without AA and I have been sober for 15 years, do I really need the acceptance of a home group at this point in my life or can I just continue to muddle through with Gods help and many prayers.

I also doubt every single person here at Laura's accepts me as the person I am either,,,,sute they canaccept me for being trans but it doesnt mean they automatically like me for the things I say and post about.

On the flip side of this whole thing I have come out to a few people in my life and they have assured me that they like the real me much better than the old me who was mean and bitter all the time. I can directly attribute that to accepting myself and thus making it easier for those around me to accept me as well by virtue of my kindness and compassion.

There is a lesson all of us can learn from this,

Other people accept us more readily than we accept ourselves.

Be it as Trans*, addict, or only our HP knows for sure, others accept our humanity, if we can just admit to being human and ask to be accepted in ways however small or minds and bodies however weak.

I agree %100

I have come to realize this isnt any easy battle for any of us ,and there in no one single right way to be in any of this weather its AA , trans acceptance, marital obligations, or just plain old day to day life.

The best we can do is try to love ourselves the best we can for any given circumstance we find ourselves in hopes that it is well received by those around us.

I truly dont believe that we will ever truly accept ourselves %100 anyway no matter how far we transition,,,,or not. We can make huge strides in accepting it is who we are,and come to grips with our faulty bodies and minds but we will never be free from it,,,,ever,,,, no matter what letter prefixes like AA or SRS you put in front of it.

There is no end all be all for a transgender person,just acceptance that there are opportunities to find more happiness in your life if you give yourself a chance to find them. (whatever those happen to be for YOU).

Again congrats Charlize for finding some of that happiness in your home room.

[Charlize]

Thank you Brenda for sharing. I certainly was not expecting such a wonderful outpouring of wisdom by so many expressing such openness and vulnerability. I remember a trans woman who was in my meeting well before i came out. She was never denied a place in the rooms but was also such a character in manner and dress that it was hard for anyone to feel close. After some time i think all of the people who grew to know her also formed an affection. She was self accepting and in time that spread to all of us. Unfortunately she moved to Philly before i found my own path. i hope someday to see her again.

We do all have a different path. In sharing here i do hope that those of us with drinking problems can find sobriety. While i was an active alcoholic i could not possibly have transitioned as i have and found the peace i have found. AA has given me a gift i wish on all who suffer from substance abuse can experience, trans or cis.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest rita63]

Charlize hello, hugs and kisses. I believe I was around when Charlie first entered the substance section of the chat room. Good to hear you are doing well and being happy with who you are. The promises do come true for those who follow the program don't they, often in odd and unexpected ways, but true none the less. All the best to you and yours.
hugs. rita

[Charlize]

It was great seeing you there tonight Rita. We were busy so sorry there was little time to chat. Great to see you.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest DanielleH]

Thanks Charlize for sharing, as this has been something that has been weighing on my mind.