4th step question

[Guest DanielleH]

Hi all, I've been away from the forums for a couple years now. I have recently just started to become sober, I have 38 days of sobriety now. The first 3 steps were not that much of an issue for me, since I hit bottom. A couple of days after getting sober, I had an emotional break down and just started crying uncontrollably and could not function. My wife ended up taking me down to emergency room, and I ended up in a psych ward for 3 days. So anyways I'm a little nervous about steps 4 & 5, mainly because I am starting to accept that I am trans after trying to drown those feelings for the past 20 plus years. I feel that I have lived a lie and was weak for running away from it for so long. I'm even more nervous about having to tell someone else. I am in therapy now for alcoholism and gender issues. Is what I'm feeling normal ? Anyone else come to accept that they were trans after getting sober ?

Thanks

[Charlize]

Danielle congratulations on your 38 days. That is huge!!!!! Please take a look at the Substance abuse forum. I my recent post i mention speaking about this"character defect".

If you didn't know we also have a meeting in chat on Sundays @9:00 eastern. There is a separate registration and you need to download java but we have fun as we keep sober.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Michelle 2010]

Hi Danielle, welcome back.... and congratulations on a new start in life

Regarding whether what you are feeling is "normal", well, yeah, it was pretty much my story, just like Charlize and Vicky here at LP....

Regarding the 4th step, you don't say whether you are doing the steps in rehab or in regular AA meetings. That makes a difference to me. If you are in a program and they you to do the steps in a hurry, do what they say, right? But if you are in regular AA meetings, there is no schedule that you must follow to "fast track" the steps. As a matter of fact, I would not let a sponsee do the fourth step at 40-60 days clean. Why? Because when we get clean lots of interesting things start happening inside us and who we are at two months sober often is different from who we are at 6 months... Rushing right into "fear"and "resentment" inventories so early in sobriety isn't really important. Staying sober and going to meetings and starting to smile again and sticking our hand out and saying nice to see you and meaning it at meetings is more important. As an alcoholic I always wanted immediate gratification and results so I get the desire to get with the programbut having a relationship with a sponsor and learning to trust and be a little sober and not crawling out of our skin is important too...

So my dear.... I suggest you take it a day at a time and let it unflod in gods time third step, right

Hugs

Michelle

[VickySGV]

Hi Danielle -- I agree with Michelle completely on taking it slow up to the 4th step because of the way things are going to change in the next short while, although also, if its an assigned part of a program, do it their way, but know its not the best to come. Consider it a practice run. You asked about realizing you were TG as part of your new life, and so here is the link to my first post in this Forum three years ago http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=33881, actually what Recovery did for me was kick the blocks out from under the idea I could CD my life away, and has lead to MY place in this darn TG world. Congratulations in plenty on having come this far. Come on into Sunday Chat too if you can. You will fit in with the crowd very well.

[Guest DanielleH]

Thanks for the support and advice everyone. I am just going to meetings now and talking to a therapist. Maybe I am rushing things, always have. I just know that guilt, shame, and resentment was eating me up. I'll try to log in for the chat, I should be back from my meeting in time.

Hugs

[Charlize]

Danielle while i agree with the comments above i know that many do do the steps shortly after getting sober. That course is actually suggested in the Big Book. I did mine the first time several months into sobriety. I think in some ways to focus on the importance of my sobriety. I took time and a commitment to really look at myself and then to be as honest as i knew how to be with another person. Many do the steps often. I think they see growth each time. I've been fortunate to do the steps with some others helping them as a sponsor. I've found that process a wonderful way to redo the steps myself. Hope to get a chance to chat. There are some wonderful trans Skype meetings as well.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest DanielleH]

I've been thinking. I know that once you do step 4 that your supposed to share it with someone. Would it be cheating to not tell my sponser about my gender issues (they have always filled me with fear), but share those with someone else who might be a bit more understanding of being transgendered ?

[Guest]

Thanks for the support and advice everyone. I am just going to meetings now and talking to a therapist. Maybe I am rushing things, always have. I just know that guilt, shame, and resentment was eating me up. I'll try to log in for the chat, I should be back from my meeting in time.

Hugs

Hi! I'm an alcoholic, my problem is JodyAnn. I like what I'm hearing here and I want to chime in. I work with a lot of rehab people and I have found for myself that there is a too fast and a too slow for a forth step inventory. Enter the meeting hall, the spin-dry whirlwind fresh out and loving being clean and sober. She is on fire for the program and wants to save the world. Since she has spent one full day on each step, she's got this! That might be considered two stepping. Step one, fast track to twelve. She may not know it but she is starting her ride on the "Pink Cloud". That is high from not being high. Maybe around ten months she has an awful crash back into reality. The world is what it is and we have to deal with it all, clean and sober. That can bring a bitter fall. Ask me how I know? Hmm. she hasn't made any meetings for weeks. With God's grace she finds the door again and a new twenty four hour chip.

In the back row of the same meeting hall he sits, just as clean and sober as she is. He may be a bit smug in the fact that he is over four years clean and sober, even though he never did any of those stupid steps past one, two, three. He sits there taking the benefits of free coffee, pretty girls to visit and staying out of trouble. In his shares, he admits he is thinking about doing a fourth step when he is ready. Clue-You probably don't want what he has. Am I qualified to speak? Well I'm intersexed so that T-shirt for me is reversible. Giggle. Been there done that too.

In twenty two years of walking through the doors of AA I have had fourteen years clean and sober. He even had a ten year straight run. She, meaning me, has her very own two and a half years clean and sober and I cherish the fact that they are mine all mine. The coolest thing is he had made multiple inventories and had made all the amends to best of his ability. That means I don't really have to carry his baggage, just a purse full of my own. My stuff is so much different than his, even though his memory still has an influence in my part of the struggles.

OK Jody what's your point? As we look through the windows of my glass house, we can see that it has a lot of cracks, dirty and broken pains. I still qualify as human, just as all of you.

When I speak about steps, I have found that a great time line is one step for each one month. Really working and savoring, then applying each step of that month. We can be thinking about future steps earlier but not focusing on them, just the step at hand. As we do a fourth step inventory in the forth month, we have the assistance of a Higher Power and a clearer head than at one or two months.In the third and fourth months we can be evaluating the people God puts in front of us as possible sponsors. By the fifth month we are ready with that new found sponsor to really share and work through the fourth step garbage. We find the good with the bad and how to filter what what truly our part in all matters.

We are still months away from making true amends. No one other than your sponsor need to know anything just yet, as we learn and grow. In my transition I came out in my home group early. I can offer that you may need to stay under wraps for a while. An old timer that I always butt heads with said; "Jody this is Alcoholics Anonymous not Gender Anonymous." That many be so true. Though you can share your stuff long distance in PMs with us, who understand the meaning of anonymity relating to gender. Well that's about my three minutes worth. I pass. Giggle. Hug. JodyAnn

[Charlize]

Danielle i don't think that would be cheating. The step reads that we made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. It is not until step 5 that it is suggested that you share with another the exact nature of your wrongs. I found the relationship with my sponsor to be strengthened by opening to him. I did not tell him everything because i didn't know all myself. I was so ashamed of myself i never allowed the full reality of my gender issues to ever surface. Oddly as i have learned that being transgendered is in no way a character defect. The defect was just not being honest with others about who i am. The fear, shame, dishonesty and unwillingness to confront those issues were character defects, having issues with living with a gender uncertainty were not.

The more honest you can be the better. Just read the first paragraph of "How it Works". Honesty is mentioned 3 times.

Hugs from an alcoholic,

Charlize