Here for my husband

[Guest AliciaDB2014]

Hi everyone,

I'm here not for myself but for my husband. My husband is pretty openly bi, it is not something he hides but it is also not something he announces. I am much more open about my bi-sexuality but I understand that we all approach it differently. Over the past few months, he has made subtle hints here and there about other things. I'm not the world's most girly girl... by a long shot. It is rare that I do anything beyond throwing on eye shadow, mascara, jeans and a t-shirt. In the past, he has made comments about how he can rock a pair of heels better than I can. I always took it as friendly banter since I almost never wear heels. He has slowly "tested the waters" by introducing little things, like his g-strings and making jokes about dressing as a woman.

Within the last two to three weeks we've had a lot of heart to heart talks about a lot of different topics. One of the big ones has been his sexuality, which he is still working through (he hasn't been out for more than 2 years). That day I had come home from work to find that he had shaved a majority of his body hair off, which is not abnormal except for this time he had also shaved his leg hair. That was the first time it had ever happened. He mentioned that he liked the way it made his legs feel. The topic of cross-dressing came up very, very carefully from him. I've always told him that I will accept him for whoever he is and however he chooses to express that. He and I are different sizes, so I don't have anything that fits him. He mentioned that he wanted a kilt so he could wear a "man-skirt" and it "wouldn't be weird for a man to wear". St. Patrick's Day is coming up soon and I found a kilt for him in a local store. I took it home, gave it to him after work and he immediately put it on. He spent the rest of the day wearing that and it was never awkward or weird for either of us. That single act seemed to open up the doors and we talked a lot more about it. I've always identified myself as a woman but always felt like a man stuck in a woman's body. For him, life has been a very similar experience. He has always identified more with the feminine side of things.

He and I wear different size clothes, so there isn't much that I own that he can fit in or that would satisfy his need to express his feminine side. I think I own one skirt and a handful of gowns, none of which he will fit in. I wanted to make him feel comfortable, especially considering that I am the only person he has ever told about the cross dressing, so I went out that night and picked out a couple of skirts and tops for him. He has become so much different (in a good way). He seems like he can breathe finally, like he is comfortable in his own skin. He has worn the skirts and tops every day since I bought them, along with some of my undergarments that will fit him, and slept in one of my maternity nighties every night as well. He laid out an outfit before he left for work that he plans on putting on as soon as he gets home from work.

The transition has been much easier than I anticipated. I was worried what my reaction might be the first time I saw him in a skirt but he is so happy, relaxed, and at ease that it makes me feel the same way. The point of this gigantic post (sorry, I tend to be a talker) is to find out how else I can help him with this journey of exploring himself. Are there things I should do? Things I shouldn't do? I just want to make sure that he feels comfortable while going through this discovery, exploration and transition (however far he chooses to take it). I'd love to hear experiences from anyone willing to share them...

Thanks,

Alicia

[Guest devida]

What a lovely post Alicia and what a lovely person you are for being so supportive of your husband. It is often very, very difficult for men to realize that they are gender variant, that they don't feel completely comfortable with the gender assigned to them at birth and no doubt the reason you see him so much happier bis that he can finally relax a bit the rigid gender definitions that he adopted and has caused him a lot of stress. You seem to be doing everything right. Just realize that this is a personal journey of discovery for him. It is unlikely that this journey needs to be a threat to you or your relationship. Also he is probably not going to want to transition to a biological female. He probably just wants the permission you have given him, to express how much more comfortable he is dressed en femme. You can certainly help him on this journey but let him take the lead. By all means be open to giving him tips on dressing as a woman, on make-up, mannerisms, and anything else, but let him come to this on his own. He's dealing with tremendous social pressure and conditioning to be a male that only he can resolve. My wife said she found it exciting to be part of the adventure I have undertaken to determine my identity and actually all of the clothes and make up I run by her before wearing, because she's the expert. You can be this for him, even if, like my wife, you are a bit more of a masculine kind of a woman than he wants to be as a woman. You can be his expert consultant like my wife is to me. My wife and I have always had the type of relationship where I was really more effeminate than she was but she never had any problems with her gender identity. I did and it made me deeply unhappy. This had nothing to do with her. When I finally came out she was, after a little bit of start, incredibly supportive, just like you are to your husband. You are one of those lucky people who, even though a bit gender variant, don't have the psychic damage that people like your husband maybe has had. Good for you for being there to help him discover who he really is.

[Carolyn Marie]

If I haven't already done so, Alicia, please let me welcome you to the Playground. Like Devida said, you have a big heart and show a lot of love for coming here to learn about this stuff and support your husband.

Many of us started out as cross dressers, and for many here, cross dressing is all they desire to do. It satisfies a need to explore and show outwardly the feminine side of their persona. Some never leave the house dressed en femme, some leave the house for short outings, and some do so for longer periods. Many spouses are not nearly as supportive and helpful as you are.

Your spouse is also welcome to join here, if they aren't already. Please feel free to post in this or any other forum, and ask any question you like. You can even relay questions from your spouse.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest KatyDesire]

Wow, Alicia. Yours is a marriage made in heaven (if you believe in heaven!) To have a couple who are (a) relaxed about their own sexuality; ( relaxed about the fact that they don't fit in with the binary propaganda in terms of sexuality or of gender expression; and © can communicate about it, is something most of us can only dream about.

Devida is quite right - your husband has grown up with huge exposure to society's expectations about what a "man" should wear, and how "he" should behave. It takes some major internal psychological re-arranging of the furniture - so to speak - to become comfortable with one's own particular brand of gender. To a large extent genetic women find it easier because of the relative freedom of expression society allows them.

I think the more relaxed you are, the easier it will be. Small comments like "that looks great on you" will be a great confidence boost, and give a feeling of affirmation. At some point, going shopping together, with you being able to pretend to be the person you are buying things for (and so avoid the need to face the salespeople directly) may also be an enjoyable experience for both of you.

I, for one, would really like to hear from BOTH of you from time to time - I think you, as a couple, have a lot to teach us all.

Hugs to both you lucky people.

Katy

[Guest AliciaDB2014]

Hello again,

Sorry its taken me so long to respond. We have been talking a lot more about the process, journey, mindsets, etc and I think we are doing pretty well with making progress. It has been a lot of lengthy discussions about gender roles, gender identity, assigned gender vs actual gender. I am trying to explain how I came to be comfortable with accepting that for the most part, I feel like a man in a woman's body, in hopes that my explanation of my process helps him with discovering himself. I'm not an expert with any of this stuff, all I know is what it was like when I was exploring and identifying who I was. I imagine that the process from FTM is much easier socially, mentally, and emotionally than it is for the MTF process. Just based on social norms, expectations, gender roles, and stereotypes that are put on men, it blows my mind. I am trying to take baby steps because I imagine it is a scary, overwhelming, vulnerable position to be in. I appreciate the fact that there is a place where we can both go to talk about it and talk with other members of our community. This site was a pleasant surprise for me and I'm looking forward to being more active as time goes on.