Feeling isolated

[Guest MrAwesome]

This isn't particularly an FTM specific issue, but I'm FTM, and this issue is partially related to me being trans, and I need to vent about this.

I've never been an overly social person, I think by nature I just never felt the urge to associate with people and being trans made that a lot worse because I wasn't seen as myself, and I couldn't be who I wanted to be. I simply don't have good skills for dealing with people. I don't conform, I don't go along with whatever the majority says or what society tells you to do. And thus, I'm so irritated by the vast number of people who go through their lives following the majority not thinking for themselves, not thinking about why the believe in something, who just blindly repeat the same mantra that has been said over and over again like a broken record.

Stupid things that are considered normal, like saying "bless you" when somebody sneezes, I can't stand it. I can't stand people getting upset or offended because I don't say it, or because I don't say "thank you" back. I don't really care, there is no legitimate reason to say it. If I have a problem, I don't even want to talk about it or even mention it half the time because I literally hear the same basic things over and over again. Things like "You should go see a therapist" or "You should see a doctor about that." Mention having an ache or pain? See a doctor. I'm married to a doctor. Not to mention a lot of those things are something that they're going to tell you to put ice on or take tylenol/motrin for. And I feel like... I'm not sure if these people think I'm stupid or something. Like, I haven't already considered these things, or am unable to do basic things and make simple decisions. There's people who repeat things to me because they've heard them without actually knowing what they're talking about or the thing being completely false.

It's genuinely extremely irritating, and it feels isolating. It makes me not even want to talk to people any more or be around them. I don't feel like people can even begin to understand me. I feel like an alien. I feel like I can't be accepted unless I dumb myself down to the point that I don't think for myself. To the point that I can't be myself. I feel like no matter what I say or do people take it the wrong way, they don't like me, and in return I don't like them. It's hard for me to even bring myself to be nice any more, I've become so fed up with dealing with the same nonsense I lose my patience almost immediately. I'm in an almost constant state of irritation. And while I try to avoid people who put me into this state of mind, it's hard.

Often it feels like I can't even have a decent conversation, and people act offended it seems every time you disagree with them. If someone brings up Christianity for example, and I even so much as say "I don't believe in any of that." They get upset and even have the nerve to tell me I'm waving my atheism in their face. I had one lady the other day do exactly that, and then try to start an argument with me, using the same arguments that have been repeated by Christians over and over again. No originality, no thought, the arguments are so dumb they hardly dignify a response. In general, if I disagree with someone on any matter (which I often do) I have people who actually try to say that because they're older than me that I must basically be stupid and they automatically are right.

I can't stand it, and there's not a whole lot I can do. I'm not going to conform to things just because society tells me to when they don't agree with me, and if I do it will just make me hate myself. I can't avoid it. And the reason it has become such a problem is because it's happened so much in overload that I can't handle it. There are just some things that you have to accept as a factor of your life, and this just seems to be one more on my list.

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing...a totally banal response but i am glad you feel you can vent here. While my perspective of the world is different, perhaps rosier, I enjoy seeing life through eyes which resemble those i've had at times during my life.

Hugs and any comfort they might give,

Charlize

[Guest MrAwesome]

Actually, I like that one. Plus you made me google a word I didn't know.

[JJ]

The majority of human beings are wired by evolution to actually get a positive chemical reaction to interaction and co-operation from the latest research I read. In the way we evolved it was a necessary activity and we developed an brain wired reward for it. Something as simple as a thank you is not meaningless or banal to the other person as it is to you. It signals that you are not part of the group when you don't observe some basic social conventions as well. That said humans cover a wide spectrum and in this you sound as though you fall on a different part of that spectrum than the majority perhaps.

Sometimes it may not be the fact that you express different opinions but that your feelings about people may be causing you to express them in ways that cause them to become reactive and quick to offense. There are two customer service people in a store where we shop and we recently had a problem-the first woman we spoke with was abrupt and her whole body language was negative and my daughter and I were instantly angry and reactive. We had to leave and look for something they needed to help us and when we came back there was a different woman. She had a big smile and told us exactly the same thing the first woman did in almost the same words but this time we were not angry and actually stopped to evaluate her point. The different attitudes made that much difference. We shop in that store weekly and being a people watcher by nature I watch the two women as we wait in checkout. The first woman's customers frequently argue with her and leave angry while the other woman's do not and usually leave smiling. The customers they get are random and taken by turn in line. It isn't the customers or the problems that determine what happens-or even the words they use. It's the attitude they project. Something to think about.

I do realize that people can be very difficult to deal with when they are close minded or foolish. I passed the MENSA test a couple of times myself and realize that there are a lot of people out there who know much less than they think they do while not realizing just how flawed and foolish their arguments really are. My pert peeve has always been pseudo-intellectuals as a matter of fact-but I have learned to see that they are not being foolish intentionally but really believe what they say. I can't take their limitations personally. I can't say I always succeed. It has been said I not only don't suffer fools gladly -I don't suffer them at all. I'm trying to learn though. It only hurts me to be that way in the long run and makes the world more difficult all around.

That does not mean you are wrong or a bad person of course but it does mean it is best to observe the social co-operation and conventions for the best results for yourself in dealing with people. That person you didn't thank today may be the one you need to return something to next time or one day come across in a different situation where you need their co-operation. I've lived a long life and it is amazing how often that kind of thing can happen.

I am also outside the norm socially-I'm an introvert and while I actually really like people and even enjoy social interactions I get tense and need to withdraw after a relatively short time and only a allow a very small number of people into my life. Sometimes that makes keeping up social conventions difficult but I realize that it's my problem and not theirs and I don't want to make it theirs by rude or insensitive behavior. I'm the one who is different and while people accept that to a degree I also realize they can't really know or understand because I am not only fundamentally different in my gender history but in my orientation to people. Funny thing is that my profession was working with people -intensely and very directly sometimes as a social worker. But it wasn't personal or social and I was actually not only fine with it but considered by my employers as outstanding at it. There are actually things about being an introvert that can make you better at helping professions and meet those needs to give that are hard wired into us without being in social interactions as much.

I'm sorry that you are finding it so stressful though. It makes life harder for you as well as those who interact with you I suspect. Maybe some counseling might make it easier for you to deal with. Not that you are bad as I said but because it is causing distress in your life.

Johnny

[Guest MrAwesome]

At times I have been very nice, when I worked at dollar general I was always smiling and laughing despite my psycho manager. And a lot of times when I say things I'm just pretty straight forward plain about it. I don't try to sugar coat around it nor do I say it with any malice. I have that capacity. I think the problem really began when I met my wife. First there was her X, who she was never really with to begin with they were roomates and they got married so she could adopt kids, which fell through anyway. She's psycho, harassing us and making up things about Chris and I. Then there's other people who feel they are Chris' friends but in reality she can't stand them or only considers them an acquaintance. Many of these people are drug addicts, have been known to steal even from her, our landlord has been repeatedly in legal trouble, is being persecuted for breaking in and stealing her pills a few months ago, and has threatened to burn down our home. We've had so much trouble with fraud in the past year, I lost $1000. Partly because someone got a hold of my information and tried making charges causing hundreds of dollars in overdraft fees, another being that my wife's brother decided he needed TV, and told the cable company to bill MY debit card when he wasn't even on the account for the cable bill OR my bank account. It was over $600 and then the bank took me to court for the money causing an added $100 and then my wife made payment arrangements and decided other things were more important than making the payments, racking it up even higher. Then there's been even more, my wife's other "Friend" stole my pre-paid debit card out of the mail, she's being persecuted for that. They have her at an ATM using it. We've had several other incidents, we're having another one right now, we even switched banks and are planning to switch again soon.

My wife's family is... Ugh... Her brother lives with us and he pees on the floor of the bathroom like a dog, leaves faeces on the toilet seat, smokes, doesn't shower, doesn't clean up after himself, and though he helps with the bills I often hear him say things like "I can't pay that" and then goes out and buys a new gun for $500 or is worried about his quad payment. My wife tells me that he lives with her because he can't live by himself - in other words, he's too irresponsible to live on his own. Her mom, dad, sister, brother in law, nieces, aunt, all live in one house that is so disgusting and dilapidated I don't know how anyone could live there. Not only are they poverty stricken and uneducated, they're constantly asking my wife for things. She's always helping them, like they're taking advantage of her. Her sister said nasty things about us behind our back and she accused me of molesting her daughter. They're all gullible, if people say something about us they call us flipping out. If Chris posts something on facebook that her mom doesn't like, she calls and makes her delete it.

The lady I was talking about who started the argument with me, she runs a group on facebook that allows people to sell and trade things in the area. My wife is an admin and she made me one too so she could do things while in my account. I saw that she was flipping out because someone approved Tarot cards, that she doesn't want that devil worship on her page. I was being so nice, I'm never that nice, I said things like I'm not trying to overstep, I'm not trying to offend you, etc. I tried telling her that it's not devil worship, and that using her religion as a basis is a bad move because the bible is against so many things that a lot of things could be construed as not being Christian, like anything gay related, or polyester. She flipped out on me, completely flipped out, ignored everything I said and just decided to take complete offence to it. She even called Chris and was going ballistic. It's just Cherry Picking, and the best part is she obviously knows nothing about the subject she's condemning. Then Chris knowing how much I can't stand this woman because of the way she acts (Which is cocky and overconfident, even tried telling me about how she has an above average IQ and that because she's older than me that she must be right. She doesn't care if she has any real justification for her beliefs, or even knows what she's talking about, she just spurts things off.) Chris ordered girl scout cookies from her and invited her over to our house. Then the woman showed up unannounced after they had arranged to meet at a different location instead on a different day, Chris was out and when I opened the door the woman just walked right in I didn't even recognize her. Then Chris nearly rear-ended her pulling in because she was in her parking spot and Chris had no way to know she was there. The car got stuck trying to avoid the woman's car, and I got hurt while trying to get her out thanks to that woman's incompetence. Then she had the NERVE to open her mouth and start things in MY home. Then people can't understand why I get so upset. Why I snap. Why I become rude, and blunt, and things come out of my mouth with no real filter any more. Well, I have no patience left for these people, and I don't have the patience to even try to observe the ridiculous social norms of our society.