No one I know seems to understand and I feel very alone because of it

[Guest JessAaryn]

I came out to my parents and a couple close friends of mine last summer, but it still feels like they still don't really get it. When I talk with them, I know they are still seeing and talking to me as if nothing has changed. When the topic of relationships come up, my parents talk about them as if I was a straight female. I mean, yes I am physically a female, and yes I am attracted to males, but in my mind I am not straight.

My friends who are extremely supportive of me and seem to "get" me a bit more then my parents still don't quite fully understand. For instance if we are out and about and I comment on some guy being cute or something, they'll tell me to go say hi; or they will try to introduce me to guys; or they will tell me how getting a boyfriend or being in a relationship is easy. This really upsets me, because for me, it's the most terrifying thing in my life.

I am extremely uncomfortable with my body and they don't seem to understand that I can not have a relationship while I am trapped in this body. I just can't and no one seems to realize how uncomfortable I am and how lonely it makes me. I can't go out and meet new people because I know how they will see me and I know that how they see me is not how I see myself. I feel like when I meet other people, I'm creating a false connection. Does this even make sense? I feel completely alone all the time because it's like I'm the only one who knows who I am, but even then, I'm not even sure because I have lived my entire life around how others see me. I have an idea of myself in my mind, but it seems like I can't express it to others, or if I do they won't really get it.

These forums are kind of my last attempt for finding somewhere that I belong. I have social anxiety which prevents me from "putting myself out there" and meeting new people. So I'm hoping these forums will allow me to connect with people without inferring how I am because of my appearance. I really just hope to find people who can help me understand that I'm not alone, because right now I feel very alone and isolated.

If you stuck through that with me and read all of that, I want to thank you. Once I get going, it's difficult for me to stop.

Thank you for listening,

~Jess/Aaryn~

[VickySGV]

It is indeed VERY DIFFICULT for others to "Get It", and for us to explain it to them, You are not alone or strange in our eyes here in these forums. I do not have the anxiety problem you do, and it is still very difficult. I use several metaphors when I try to explain things to non Trans* people who have not spent a lot of time with us and for us. We, you and I came in a box that had a beautiful picture on the outside, and the box had a jigsaw puzzle in it that was supposed to make the picture on the cover, but our inside picture was different. People try to make us into the picture on the outside of the box, but it is frustrating to them, and painful to us when the pieces do not make that picture and they try to fit our pieces in the wrong place or even with the grey side making a blotch in the picture.

We understand the feelings of the puzzle that is even sometimes thrown away because it does not turn out to be the picture on its cover.

Be with us here, and know that others do feel as you do about themselves. In time you will be able to do something about it, and your need for now is to stay alive for a day when the real you can live in the sunshine.

[Guest JessAaryn]

It is indeed VERY DIFFICULT for others to "Get It", and for us to explain it to them, You are not alone or strange in our eyes here in these forums. I do not have the anxiety problem you do, and it is still very difficult. I use several metaphors when I try to explain things to non Trans* people who have not spent a lot of time with us and for us. We, you and I came in a box that had a beautiful picture on the outside, and the box had a jigsaw puzzle in it that was supposed to make the picture on the cover, but our inside picture was different. People try to make us into the picture on the outside of the box, but it is frustrating to them, and painful to us when the pieces do not make that picture and they try to fit our pieces in the wrong place or even with the grey side making a blotch in the picture.

We understand the feelings of the puzzle that is even sometimes thrown away because it does not turn out to be the picture on its cover.

Be with us here, and know that others do feel as you do about themselves. In time you will be able to do something about it, and your need for now is to stay alive for a day when the real you can live in the sunshine.

First of all, I would like to thank you, Vicky, for your understanding. Your post makes me feel warm and welcomed knowing that you do understand. Where I am from, there is really not much education about Trans people for understanding themselves or for non Trans people. Your metaphor is perfect. If it is alright with you, may I use that when trying to explain to people in the future?

Thank you again, very much. I am much calmer now that I can come here and just.. be me. I haven't ever been able to do that and it means a lot to me. Thank you.

~Jess/Aaryn~

[VickySGV]

First of all, I would like to thank you, Vicky, for your understanding. Your post makes me feel warm and welcomed knowing that you do understand. Where I am from, there is really not much education about Trans people for understanding themselves or for non Trans people. Your metaphor is perfect. If it is alright with you, may I use that when trying to explain to people in the future?

~Jess/Aaryn~

Go for it, but do not expect everyone to get it the first time, It really takes some brain whirling.

[Guest JessAaryn]

Go for it, but do not expect everyone to get it the first time, It really takes some brain whirling.

Thank you very much Vicky! It's a lot easier to understand than how I try to explain it, trust me.

Hahahahaha it might be good to get some of the brains around where I live to start whirling

[Guest April Kristie]

Aaroyn, Yes you nailed it this journey is all about education, for you as well as those around you. You move things forward for all of us by being yourself and letting those around you see that. One thing in your post said you live the way the world perceives you. Perhaps a more masculine approach to clothing and outward appearance might say to these individuals, Hey he really is serious about all this? All the best dude, you rock!

[Guest JessAaryn]

Thank you April

The way I dress already is pretty masculine. I rarely even buy clothes from the female sections at stores anymore, the clothes there just don't feel right. I think my problem with getting my point across is that I just don't talk and express myself. Like, ever. Whenever I do try to talk with my parents, one of them just talks over what I'm saying, and when I'm with other people, by the time I figure out how to say something, the topic is past. The only person I "talk" to is myself, and that doesn't do too well It's just something I have to work at I guess.

<3 ~Aaryn~ <3

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Aaryn

There are several good books out there that explain what we are and what we go through. Many of us recommend

True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals

Mildred L. Brown

Mildred L. Brown (Author) .

Chloe Ann Rounsley (Author

I bought this book and sent a copy to my brother and sister. Both of my kids read this book from cover to cover. My sister said this book helped her so much to understand me even though she knew that I was transgendered since childhood. It helped my family to understand me and helped them to accept me. You can buy a copy from Amazon or Barnes and Noble or pick up a used copy from Alibris online. There are other books out there. Anne Vitalle PhD also has an excellent book published. These are resources that can help you understand yourself and to be better abled to explain what it is that makes you transsexual. Hope this helps. Kathy