Last Night

[Guest Jennifer T]

Was the first night in a very long time that I had nothing to drink. I wanted it. Badly. But I didn't drink anything.

[Guest crocsrule4]

Was the first night in a very long time that I had nothing to drink. I wanted it. Badly. But I didn't drink anything.

Congrats! I gave it up 6 yrs ago and don't miss it!

[tracy_j]

Might be (obviously) a little thing in the big picture but even my liking for a single beer with tea daily is not helping my figure one little bit!

Congratulations Jennifer - just think of looking good

Tracy x

[Guest DanielleH]

Congratulations Jennifer. The first few days are the roughest. I've been sober now since January 29th, and have never felt better. I drank almost everyday for the past 22 years. You can do it.

[Guest]

Congrats Jennifer!

One day at a time does it.

At least it did for me.

Huggs,

Joann

[VickySGV]

The first day is hard, but it is one day you were free of the clutches of an enemy that is cunning, devious and Deadly. Let us know how it goes, and if you can, join us Sunday at 9PM eastern time over in Chat in the AA / NA chat room. It was a great bunch last Sunday, and some real hope in the air. We'll have an open chair for you!!

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Jennifer that is pretty significant and wonderful news. My last night was some 15 years ago.

I did not know you have been struggling with drinking all this time.

Most of the time when people say they have drinks I dont usually think they are as bad as I was, and just assume they are social drinkers most of the time,as I did with you.

I wish I was a little more perceptive and inquisitive,in this area had I known I may have been able to offer a little support instead of looking for so much of it for myself.

There is one thing I do know about you for sure though, you are a very strong person,and are strong enough to admit alcohol is a serious problem if left unchecked.

I offer my sincerest friendship and an outreached hand if you ever want to talk about staying clean and sober I am here for you,absolutely %100

I know its an improvement in life being sober despite how inadequate my own coping skills are most of the time,but I would be glad to put aside some of my worries and talk about yours if you so choose.

Turning 1 day sober into 2 days sober is just like riding a bike, you keep pedaling your butt off until you reach the summit with your legs burning,shortness of breath,and all you want to do is turn around,but the next time you go to the top of the summit it is that much easier.

I may be the worst example there is for sobriety making the way for a better more stable life,but I can say for certain if it wasnt for sobriety I wouldnt be here now, doing my best to be a better more compassionate,caring,honest person.

I care about you a lot Jennifer,and hope you can turn this into some of that peace you so frequently wish upon all the rest of us.

Even though I have been sober all these years I have going to that Sunday AA chat Vicky spoke about,even if I "dont" need it....its good to be around other people who have suffered the same fight and just talk.

I really want to give you a big hug and say you are worth being sober for,and that if I can do it, you can do it too,and most likely in way better fashion than I can even imagine :-)

Take care Jennifer and stay strong you can do it and make it one more day.

You know you are more than welcome to PM message me anytime you want about anything you want. It would do my heart good to help a friend.

Brenda Hailey

Peace this day to,,,You

[Guest Jennifer T]

Thanks for your responses. It lasted all of one whole night.

Brenda, I don't get blitzed every night. But I do take the edge off.

This whole trans thing/ this whole existence just seems so totally unfair. Always on my guard, always too sensitive, always hiding. It shouldn't have to be this way.

[Charlize]

Jenn dear, if at some point you find that you are powerless over taking or not taking that first drink and if you find as i did that i couldn't ever enjoy just one then please do join us. I know i could never have given it up without help. Somehow through the rooms of AA i found sobriety but also a life that contains some real peace. I have found so much more than sobriety. I don't live in fear and shame anymore. I had to be stoned to feel that way before. It worked for a bit but soon i was back in pain with an addiction to endure as well. There is a way out if you perceive a problem.

Hugs,

Charlize

[VickySGV]

Jenn -- it was an Addiction Medicine Therapist looking for the source of my alcohol / prescription med problems who helped me to see that my GD was at its root, and who helped me to accept myself as both addict and Transsexual. With the removal of the alcohol, and the acceptance that I was DIFFERENT from other human beings, came the beginning of a clear path to my future.
The alcohol had masked and hidden the things I needed to do to become my true self. Alcohol itself gives us a false self, and deludes us into thinking that self is the one we and the world need. I came out to a bunch of down and dirty addicts during my recovery 5 years ago, at just about this time, and I know today that my coming out to them gave several of them the courage to come out of their closets on their addictions and the lives behind them. Getting rid of the alcohol and the totally false self and maybe selves did not make my transition better, it made it more than better, it made it possible!! My Addiction Medicine counseling lead to review on the gender issues, and got me my needed medical approvals. When you are sober you are honest with yourself and others, and the others can and will help you.

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

This whole trans thing/ this whole existence just seems so totally unfair. Always on my guard, always too sensitive, always hiding. It shouldn't have to be this way.

I know Jennifer,,,,,I know.

You have listened to my problems long enough to know how much it hurts and how unfair it all seems to me at times as well. I do understand some of the pain you are going through,which is precisely why I offer my heart and friendship to you the best that I know how.

I know the edge you speak of I have been hiding from the source of it my entire life looking for ways to just outright kill or numb it. I have tried every single thing there is possible to try to make it all just go away. In most cases all those things eventually turned out to be excessive to the point of serious consequences having to be dealt with on top of the original issue,(trans).

It wasnt until I finally learned how to stop doing all those things,,,,with denial being my last obstacle,that I am even able to be the messed up girl on here that always pesters you for friendship,and opens up to you because I know you have a good heart.

Quite honestly I dont know if I could have gone on living any longer had I not taken this path.

I know what the alcohol and drugs had done to me I also know they arent the answer for what plagued me.

The strange part is I would rather just end it all than to go back to what I was living while being an active addict,thats how awful I know that lifestyle can be.

Since I could never bring myself to end it,the only thing left for me to do, is to just do this,,,,"trans or bust". All the other options at least for me have been tried and failed,the only thing I never tried was the one thing I was running away from all these years.....and now here I am doing my best to cope with it,and share these things with you and others here,hopefully one day something good come from it all. Its hard for me, as I know it is hard for you. The pain is real and usually never ending,and quite honestly I dont blame anyone for doing what they do to try and deal with it in these ways,but they simply dont work in the long run I know this for a fact. I cant tell anyone how to do "trans" successfully but I do have a pretty good grasp on how not to do it.

Personally I dont know how long a person can drink modestly and keep GD at a low roar, years and even decades perhaps, someone as strong as you maybe even longer, but I dont think anyone can do it forever before something happens either way. It may be possible but I never hear how that one strong person who fought GD their entire life, won.

You are a greater person than I to be able to keep the lid on as tight and as long as you have,you have my admiration,but I know its not without some sort of pain.

As you know I am woefully inadequate at giving good advice,and the only thing that I can tell anyone for sure are my own mistakes.

My biggest mistakes was to not deal with who I really am.

You are well educated on this subject so I am not implying you need education and havent thought about all these things already, you are dealing with them in the way you think is best.

I just wonder why it is we would be put here to be trans captive the whole time and to only be free after death,,,,what then is the point of being here then? Why didnt we just stay free to begin with then?

Is it destiny to fight this thing and still lose in the end,or is it to realize and indulge it to see an outcome despite all its perceived horror?

Why must we live in the unfairness and just take it, or is it worthy to minimize it the best we can?

If at some point you feel that taking the edge off becomes more than what you thought it could or should be please share with me or someone else what you feel either way.

I know how quickly things can get out of control or how slow and cunning an increase can be as well.

I just want the best for you Jennifer,you are my friend.

While I was writing this my makeup got ruined from crying and typing, thats never happened before...not the crying part, but the ruined makeup.

This afternoon I wore my favorite long dress and some heels,long hair and a new purse, I was going to see my therapist today for a session....well my therapist was a no show,her colleagues dont know what happened to her either,,,so I was bummed out of course, but while I waited I met some really nice people who actually talked to me and where very kind to me I couldnt believe it while I was feeling quite vulnerable complete strangers were being nice to me,I was like WOW, so I decided to use the extra time to at least go out and enjoy my dress and use my new purse...

So I went out, I went to eat by myself at a busy restaurant, I was a bit scared at first, but it quickly went away after the police arrived....What did I just walk into? Moments before there was some sort of commotion in the restaurant that required cops,as they came in looking for the "perp" I just so happened to be right by the door,and the least conspicuous one in the crowd going by their description,they were looking for a "man". The cops took one glance at me and knew instantly I wasnt the guy they were looking for ....I ordered my meal without any further ruckus,and I made some lemonaid out of the lemons,,,and glad I did by all accounts it was better than a therapy session, cheaper too!

I am glad it turned out that way it did with the therapist no show,and still glad after all these years I didnt just go home and get drunk and make things worse because of it.

As per my rambling nature it is my hope that at least something I wrote makes sense and is useful or amusing despite my wandering.

Peace