Introduction to myself/my journey to discovering my real, crossdressing self

[Guest princessofdarkness]

Hello! I'm new to a lot of things, this website being among them. But first let me say I love 'Laura's Playground'. Trying to find a good, safe, place to talk about my crossdressing with others like me on the Internet wasn't easy (I would love a support group, but there are none near where I live, so the Internet is all I have for now). Most sites seemed too sketchy (full of hateful people who snuck in, or worse, people looking for sex) for me to trust. I actually wrote the International Foundation of Gender Education to ask if there were any safe websites to share my story and read others, and they recommended me here first and foremost. And after burning through plenty of forums here I can say it was the perfect match. I've never used a forum before, and I'm a bit of a technophobe, so sorry if this is too lengthy or long winded! I've written in a diary about what I go through inside (depression/fear/anxiety/etc.), and talk to my mom about it when I can, but I need a bit more than that, so here I am, and here's my story.

I recently came out as a crossdresser to my family, but more importantly, came out as a crossdresser to myself...again (I'll explain later on here). When I was asked how long I've felt the need to do it, I was amazed with my own answer, which was honestly "As long as I can remember". I hadn't thought about it before, but as I actually stopped to try to recall when it started I realized there was no solitary moment when I woke up and just wanted to dress like a girl. Ever since I was a small boy, it was something I just wanted to do. When I would see other girls in Kindergarten and church, or watch another Disney princess movie, I just saw pretty clothes and wanted to wear them, along with wearing makeup.

Unfortunately for me I was too aware as a kid. While crossdressing has always been a part of me, it must've not taken me long to discover that there's a social stigma attached to boys that dress like girls. So when I would see shows or movies as a 4 or 5 year old, and see feminine boys as the punchline of a joke, it was firmly planted in my head that asking my parents to buy me girl clothes as well as boys clothes was out of the question. Lest I be laughed at by my brothers, or worry my parents. This was pretty clear to me as early as the 1st Grade. So I kept it inside. While I secretly wished I didn't have to worry about being embarrassed or shamed over a simple interest in crossdressing, it initially wasn't that much of a problem. More overtly my problem was being picked on for being feminine in nature (rather than in appearance) as a little boy. I was (am) very sensitive, and I was (am) not interested in sports (this was more of an issue growing up than you'd think). In both cases I felt I was doing something wrong. Without being directly told, it was made clear to my pre-teen self that boys are boys, do boy things, and express themselves like boys (which translates to me as just keeping it inside), and to deviate from this is wrong. When I was picked on by other boys (or even girls), I certainly felt wrong.

To get back to the crossdressing, once I was a teenager, and left public school and entered home school, I had managed to 'successfully' (if you want to call it that) bury my emotions. Showing tears in front of others not only stopped in front of others, but I forced myself to stop in private. Telling others how I was feeling stopped, and so did me asking others what they were feeling. I felt I finally was in control of my "problem" (being different). Well, except the crossdressing...By the time I was 14 it was no longer 'not much of a problem'. It was an all controlling thought. But I knew, I just knew that if I couldn't let anyone EVER find out about it. But after my whole life of not acting on it, I finally gave in when my family was out for a while. I didn't have much to choose from, my mom being the only woman in the house, but I put on the dresses I thought looked the prettiest, along with some heels, and her purse, and the feeling was...

...not good. I was shaking the whole time, quaking with fear, so utterly consumed by fear of them finding out what I was doing. And I tried it a few more times, sometimes around 3 to 5 AM so no one's awake, sometimes when they were out. All the experiences were the same. Not good, because I was so terrified of being discovered. Beyond literally quaking with fear, to the point where I would sometimes collapse from the pressure, I also felt like I was going to vomit. The fear messed with my nerves so much my stomach couldn't stand it. Obviously, it wasn't as magical as I hoped. Regardless of the pain of fear, I still felt the need to keep trying. Yet it became clear to me after less than 10 attempts, that I had one of two options;

1) Tell my family that I was a crossdresser, and I wanted my own female wardrobe and makeup.

2) Stop crossdressing, and hope I just lose interest.

Sadly I went with option two. Add onto that my successful expunging of emotional expression, and replacing it with my copying of what other guys said and did just so I could blend in, and you have what I like to call my 'Masculine Character'. I hate this character... And let me tell you from experience, 'losing interest' in crossdressing doesn't work (not that I want it to). I was 14 when I said crossdressing is too risky to attempt, so I'll just stop forever. I'm going to be 20 soon, and just last month came forward with the truth to my family. After 6 painful years of foolishly trying to convince myself I didn't want to crossdress, I recently reached the tipping point.

At the beginning of this year (2014), I found myself going through depression. I didn't really feel suicidal, I don't think. I felt killing myself would be destructive to my family and destroying any chances I had at a good future. Yet, I didn't really enjoy life. I felt like I was in limbo. Not ready to die, not able to live. The things I thought I loved became meaningless to me. I just moved to a new place, haven't started college yet, hadn't gotten a job at that point, so I would get up around 3 to 4 PM, simply because I saw no reason to get up early. I felt the only reason to get up was to eat, use the toilet, and pretend to my family that I was doing fine. Just good ol' 'Masculine' me...I couldn't figure out the hell was wrong with me, even though all I did all day was think.

But, once I admitted to mom that I seriously depressed and filled with a self-loathing, everything unraveled. For the first time since in about 10 years, I had told another person that I was feeling sad. And just that act would've been enough for me to figure what was wrong with me. I hid my emotions, from myself and others. I hid my crossdressing desire, from myself and others. I put on the role of a 'typical guy', the 'Masculine Character', and at this point was seemingly pretty good at playing the role. So good in the role, I forget it's a part I play for others. Maybe that's what scared me. I realized this was going to be the rest of my life. Not only did I not know the real me anymore (not without serious soul-searching), but I grew to hate myself whenever I said or did something that wasn't me. After admitting to my mom that I sick of putting on the role of my 'Masculine Character', and that I always felt more feminine in temperament, I felt much better, especially since she seemed relieved to hear it, and to get her real son back.

Yet something still hung over my head, something that I locked deep in the corners of my mind to never be opened again. My crossdressing. I didn't immediately figure it out, at this point I was kind of, sort of convinced (deceitfully convinced, mind you) that crossdressing was just a thing I had an interest in as a kid. But all of a sudden it came rushing back to me; I wanted to dress like a woman. It hurt me that I did, and I tried to argue it out of my mind saying "No, you have a mild interest in the aerodynamics, or maybe the texture" or whatever, but after the half hour I spent mulling it over in mind, I brought myself to tears because I couldn't deny it anymore; after basically 20 years of hiding it from others, 6 years of denying it to myself, I had no where else hide from my heart. I finally admitted to myself I was a crossdresser and that's never going to change. And it was also clear to me that I had to do what I should've done so many years ago, and that's tell my family about the real me. It could never be something I keep as a secret, and not something I mention in passing. I sat them down and told them everything, namely stressing that it's been with me my whole life and that it's been a life long struggle to admit it.

My brothers, who have matured far beyond Elementary School days, were clearly uncomfortable when I told them, but tried to be accepting. I think they'd rather not talk about it, so I'll respect that. My dad, while generally (visibly) uncomfortable with topics like this, he still made me feel loved. He hugged me and told me that he's sorry that an environment ever existed in our family were I would be afraid to express myself. My mom is the best with topics like this, and is always ready to listen when I talk about the struggles I had to reach this point of self-discovery and self-respect. That, and she said she'll help me when I want to start buying my female wardrobe (I haven't yet, so at this point I usually just slip on one of her dresses, though that's FAR from ideal, but it's a placeholder until our family's money situation is more secure). So I'm fortunate to have the family I have. I love them all dearly, now more than ever.

So much is becoming clear to me since admitting it to my family (and myself). For starters, the notion that boys and men with more traditionally feminine traits are more apt to be the subject of societal rejection is a sexist notion. Because to be like a man is the be like "superior gender", or whatever. And to be like a woman, well, that's the "secondary gender". The fact that I ever was ashamed to express my femininity is what I take shame in now. It was my own culturally ingrained sexism that brought me to my depression, and my rejection of it that lead to my liberation.

I prefer being a man, biologically speaking (as far as I know). I've never had an interest in changing my gender, though often I feel I relate more with women. Though I'm also attracted to women...I just feel hard to define past 'crossdresser'. Not that labels matter too much. But 'genderfluid', and maybe 'bigender' feel apt. And I don't want to crossdress all the time, yet I do wish to do it more regularly. I don't want to be defined just by what I wear, though I do want the freedom to wear what gives me comfort or makes me look beautiful.

I guess that's all there is to say. It was a long, sad journey to reach this point, but I'm so glad I'm honest with myself finally. I feel a life long weight lifted off my shoulders and I just feel like screaming for joy, now that I don't have to hide who I am. I'm not only not ashamed of my crossdressing, I'm proud of it. I'm inspired by fellow crossdressers and the transgendered, and I hope my post here reaches someone. Sorry if this was lengthy, but I had a lot to say (for starters). Thanks for reading!

[MaryEllen]

Hello Princessofdarkness,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

MaryEllen

[Michelle 2010]

Welcome to Laura's Playground. We're glad you are here

Gee, I think I identify with your youth, lol! Unnatural urges and shame? Check. Secrecy and fear? Check. Swearing to change? Check. Depression? Check. Wanting a website to explore myself without it being trashy or sex based? Check.

When I went to my Gender Therapist a few years ago, I told her, "It never goes away"... and she said, "thats right, it never goes away". she also said to becareful trying to label and put it in a tidy little category, that it wasn't necessary or helpful to do so. I took her advise.

In terms of finding an outlet or group of people who understand, you don't put much info on geography in your post. Thats ok. But if you are in a small rural town you may travel. If you are in a college setting, its probably more liberal, and so on. Resources are out there and young people seem to be more accepting, don't you think?

Stick around and explore. Others will chime in

Hugs

Michelle

[Charlize]

Welcome dear. How did you know how to post my story. My mom was also the only female in my house so her clothing was all i could try. I loved seeing myself but hated myself at the same time. The shame was heavy and painful. I drank heavily and when the internet came it was only horrible porn until i found Laura's . Glad you found us.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest princessofdarkness]

Thank you all for your kind words. It means the world to me to hear that my experience is shared.

As for local support groups, Michelle, I just can't find any crossdressing or transgendered support groups listed online in Massachusetts. But if anyone knows of any, I'd appreciate it if I was pointed in that direction. I'm hoping it will be easier to find a group like that when I enter college later this year.

Hugs and love to you all!

[Guest actuarylilium]

Wow, just like the others in this thread, you're story sounds similar to mine!

Whilst I didn't actually start crossdressing until a couple of months or so ago, I was curious about Girls/Women from about 5 or 6 years old... My first friends at Primary School were girls, and I spent alot of time hanging out with them. Somehow, they just made me feel like I could relate to them more than boys. Then in my teenage years, I spent hours and hours and hours wondering what it would be like to be a girl - and wishing I could experience it, fantasising about how it couuld happen in a fiction world.

My parents caught me looking at this sort of material a few years ago, and made it clear that it was not the sort of thing I should be doing... They have very traditional (but not religious) beliefs about sexuality, I don't think they'd understand why I crossdress Anyway, it didn't stop me, but then when I got to University I quickly became really depressed. I blamed it on Porn and sexual thoughts, and for three years I tried to repress every single sexual thought from my mind - thinking it was somehow disgusting and "impure". No wonder I was miserable! For some reason, I felt it was the way i had to act, it was expected of me... Anyway, I came clean to my counsellor not along ago about all my long held feelings, he helped me deal with them and suggested I crossdress as an outlet...

... I am a million times happier now. I know who I am, and why I experienced the thoughts that I did. Instead of repressing myself, I embrace and enjoy who I am. And I hope that you too will continue to take great joy in who you are

Lots of Love, Lily xxx

PS. I am into Japanese stuff too... I really like Dragon Ball, and love JPRG's (and RPG's set in Japan) - Shenmue is my favourite video game of all time! I hope to visit Japan one day

[Guest RAWR:3]

Ugh... you're story brought back so many memories! xD

Like you, I also have always felt more feminine in my attitudes, but as society taught me its harsh lessons, I began to suppress those parts of me. Although I can't quite be certain, I do wonder if the suppression of many of my feminine traits is what has caused me so much grief over the years... (you know, anxiety, depression, etc.)

I am still working on overcoming my social fears though... I plan on working with a therapist again to hopefully get over this, and perhaps begin dressing and acting more feminine in public. First things first though: I gotta finish working on coming out to my family. If I can't do that, then there is no way I will be able to go out! xD

Like you, I am also unsure about changing my body, although I would like to prevent it from becoming more masculine in the coming years/ perhaps undo some of the already established masculine characteristics, but meh, I'll figure that out as I go! I wish I could help you find a support group near you, but I don't know much about your area unfortunately : \

Also, (kind of off topic) I noticed you have anime down as one of your interests... We should totally talk sometime!! Have you seen Madoka Magica?? It's a really good one. Like, REALLY good. As in, you should watch it now if you haven't seen it before.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Princess

Welcome along and glad to meet you! Yes, Laura's is an amazing place. My background is different but you can read all about it on this site.

The lines you wrote about having to live the role of your "masculine character" ring so true with me. I've mentioned I cross dress to escape my male role, escape into the feminine side. Not express my feminine side. Your words really appeal to me. I lived a lie for thirty years, until it all fell apart when I rediscovered cross-dressing and found where it had all been going wrong. It's such a relief to be me at last,

Good luck!

Hugs,

Eve

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Your in MA. Where shall I start? In the Boston Metro there are CD-TG nightclubs, CD stores to get what you need and help with finding groups and such.

Springfield has a CD convention every year last I checked. Provincetown has a number of CD weekends and events every summer season and CDing always in season.

Going to college, I hope its Umass Amherst. Northampton is the most liberal place you will ever find. It has the highest percentage of lesbians of any town in the country. On the weekends, women flock from hours away to soak up the positive energy. Crossdressing is accepted even admired by some. I know I did it there a lot in the past. Also, its not hard to look girlier than many of the women there!

The question is always, how much crossdressing does one need to feel happy? One can go to a box store and buy womens jeans, tops, jackets, shoes and have pierced ears,a bit of boob and long hair. Only a few people will ever notice in a negative way. Those box stores call them basics and they are, well, what women who don't want to show it off wear. For some of us, its enough to make us feel better and satisfy the desire. Dressing in fashion is an whole other level even for women. Hair, makeup, styles, proportios and manerisms become very complex. I see it at work. Most of the women there need to dress to the nines as part of their job. Some don't hit the mark. When they come in on their day off it is obvious, they wear basics and sneakers! Fashion is not a gender gene it is learned. Of course feeling girly helps a lot.

[Guest princessofdarkness]

Lily: Blaming depression on 'impure thoughts' is a tune I know well (because that's exactly what I thought). And I think just about everyone on this site knows exactly what you mean by feeling you had to act a certain way. I know I did. But it's obvious why we would think something so silly as "I can't be myself", when everyone has their own ideas for what you're going to be. Anyone whose true to themselves like you is an inspiration to me. (By the way, I'll salute a fellow Japanophile and I too am a definite DB and JRPG fan. )

RAWR: I hope and pray that your family will accept you as you really are. As for being bold enough to go out in public with your feminine attire, I know I'm not at that stage yet. But I hope to get there...

I also know what you mean by wanting to stop your body from going further down the masculine development. I've recently began thinking about how I really identify my gender, but with baby steps. Like you said, "I'll figure that out as I go". (By the way, I would LOVE to talk to you about anime . Later, girlfriend!)

Eve: I'm so sorry you had to hide yourself for that long. But you are a true inspiration for finally letting yourself free.

Clair: I'll have to read up on Boston, and when I get a driver's license try to find those places myself. And the Springfield convention sounds interesting, to say the least. And the fact that I didn't think of Provincetown is a little dumb on my part, given their reputation. Of course I have to get down to Provincetown. Don't know what college I'm going to yet...But thank you very much for the info!

Thank you all for kind words!

Hugs and kisses, Princess

[Guest KatyDesire]

When I read your story I thought you had pinched my own! Except where you said how long it took you to come to terms with yourself, and to come out to others. It took me 55 years. Well done that you are dealing with it at such an early stage.

Only my wife knows - and I don't think it would be easy for me to come out to anyone else - I am fairly prominent in the local community, even though I live in a very large city.

I am perfectly happy with my swimmer's shoulders, but still need to express my feminine side. Maybe if it had been possible to deal with this in my early teens I would have considered transition - I'm not sure. Now - no.

So one makes the best of one's situation. As they say in poker - you play the hand you're dealt. That's all anyone can do.

Thank you for sharing your story. And yes, Laura's is a great place.

Hugs,

Katy

[Guest princessofdarkness]

Thank you so much for reading, Katy! And while I can say how I wished I came out as a child when it occurred to me, so I could've avoided the confusion and pain of my teenage years (which will be ending next week, when I turn 20), I am very happy that I've come out now instead of later. I got my whole life ahead of me, what a feeling! As to whether or not I'll transition, I told my family it's something I have to work out slowly, but for now, I'm not going to rush into anything. Make the best of one's situation, as you just said.

Hugs and kisses, Princess