Really Confused | Anxiety

[Zoe of Tamriel]

I haven't been on this website for quite a while, mainly due to my Mother's disapproval.

But everything between me and her is fine now.

A long time ago, is when it started. I've had feelings of wanting to become female, which progressed into an anxiety attack 24/7. My stomach churned, turned, and flipped until I got to do something that made me feel 'girly'.

After that, the feeling died down, to the point where I was perfectly fine being male. A bit after that, I started having feelings for another guy in my class. Took me a couple months to come to terms with me being gay, because I looked back and realized I never had any feelings for and girl I've ever met, nor guys. I came out to my Mother about that, and she was fine with it. Being gay for me and my parents is not a big deal.

About a year after, the feelings for wanting to become a woman came back, very suddenly, and rapidly. I told my Mother about it, and she got me a counselor. Kind of angered me at first, but I got used to it after the first visit. Wasn't bad at all. Counselor made me feel okay, and told me to cross-dress in secret, which is what I wanted to do so badly but I used to be so afraid of getting caught. So, I get home, and my Mother and Father go to work. I go into my Mother's closet and start playing dress-up, if you catch my drift. Everything, stockings, dresses, shirts, underwear, everything. It made me feel complete. I wasn't turned on while doing it, it just gave me a warm feeling inside.

The feelings died down, suddenly. Again. I thought it was all over, like the nightmare would end. Boy, was I wrong. About ANOTHER year later, the feelings came back. Only this time, the supreme anxiety was instant. I became depressed because this time it made me think, long and hard, about my life. I tend to get emotional when I'm left with nothing to do but think, my mind wanders a lot.

The feeling went away after a couple of months, and it's coming back again, but this time, slowly. Cross-dressing, make-up, all that stuff is slowly coming back, like molasses going uphill in January.

I'm worried about it, I feel like I'm constantly fighting with my mind about what to do, what to think. I don't identify as either gender, I gave up on trying to identify on that a long time ago. The counselor was canceled, money became tight.

My hair is past my midsection. My nails are long. All the while though, I feel like I should have been born with both parts.

It's a constant struggle. I could use some help.

[VickySGV]

Well, you definitely have the GD bug and I hate to say it, but what you describe is pretty much the way the thing runs. Your therapist gave you permission to act it out and validation that it was real. If you have the chance to indulge in your dressing under the old rules, of course go for it. It looks like this will not be gone in the wave of a magic wand as most of us wish it would do. If mom is cool with your being here, then I would say go on over and chat about it when it is really bothering you, your mom may want a trade off in terms of better grades for being calmer, but that is something we can hope for, because the school work being great will help you in the long run. CDing may not be the end of your road, so be ready to go the "extra mile" if needed. You are not sick or disabled or anything of that nature, but it is not what parents dream of when their kid is still in their mother's womb.

[Guest ashleynikole]

Yep. I struggled with it for 30+ yrs. I always hated myself for dressing up and would feel guilty and full of shame after I would change back into boy mode. Some people physically hurt themselves but I mentally hurt myself so bad. I tried so many "manly" things to make the feelings go away, and it wasn't until I had a nervous breakdown that I knew I couldn't keep living like this.

For me, I thought the feelings would go away, and at times I could go months without acting on them, but they always came back. My gender therapist went a long way in helping me sort out things. She asked the right questions to get answers that helped me see for myself that I had to own this thing and realize that there is nothing wrong with me other than I don't fit society's standard, but that's okay. Once I got past that hurdle, it was easy to say, "I'm doing this".

To this day (2 wks away from starting HRT), I still question if I'm female (I know I'm not male), but I also have to remind myself that my body is still circulating testosterone and my brain may not be receiving the fuel it needs to operate properly and make me feel like myself. But in 30+ years, the feeling has never gone away...only sat dormant for a little bit (months at most).

[Carolyn Marie]

It is not unusual for someone your age to be confused about gender and sexuality, and they are very different things. Your hormones have kicked in, and you start thinking about your own body and the bodies of girls, and trying to sort it all out can bring on a massive migraine headache, not to mention the anxiety attacks you mentioned.

I don't have an answer for you, hon. It could be that 2 or 3 years from now, you will settle down and be fine with being male. Or not. It's not possible to predict. You went to a therapist but didn't say if they were specialized in gender issues. That could be a big difference in how you come to terms with your gender issues.

I think the best thing for now is to keep posting about your feelings, and letting us help you as issues and questions come up. Over time, you may be able to figure this stuff out for yourself. You have plenty of time.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest SouthernBelle]

Yes, Carolyn is right! Keep posting! Laura's is the best place for online interaction regarding being trans.

And you are definitely trans! Where along the line, you will one day determine. Regardless of anything else, you are beautiful. Don't feel bad about not having a home gender. I don't either. I'm like a girl-boy (that's the cute way I choose to explain it). But nothing matters more than your happiness, so you need to explore this.

I hope you stay a par t of Laura's. Companionship saves lives.

Hugs,

Belle

[Guest Rose1993]

I felt much the same way when i was in high school, i really wanted to be a woman, and it killed me inside to see others being happy and not having to worry about their body having the wrong parts. At the same time i felt like i also wanted to stay male because i was afraid of what might happen if i trasitioned. Cross dressing always made me feel better, but only for a while, only while i was wearing the clothes, then i had to go back to wearing male clothes and go into public and school feeling ashamed of my gender. As of now i have been on hrt for two months, and i have never felt anything even remotely as good as this feeling, i still can barely comprehend how happy i am! If you feel hrt is the right path for you, i cannot stress enough how much i reccomend it, it is absolutely incredible!

I hope you are able to sort your feelings out and feel like yourself, no matter what it takes!

- Rose M

[Zoe of Tamriel]

Speaking of HRT, can anyone give me a price range, nationally, on MTF hormones?