Alruna's introduction!

[Guest Alruna]

Hi there, people at Laura's!

Im Alruna and im a transwoman from germany. I stumbled upon this website a few days ago and found some very moralizing informations and posts which already helped me to make a decision.

I suffer under a severe chronic depression but im not suicidal (or atleast i think im not), this depression is a huge problem for me and affects my life greathly. In fact, it made me drop out of school, shortly before the final exams for real schule (we in germany have a different system than in america, but to make it short: Its the "better" way, for the "smarter" ones.) I actually attented to these exams and passed on all (even the total from the year was still good enough), but despite this the school denied me the certificate. Their reason was that i didnt "deserve" it because i was, despite good to averange grades (for the realschule standarts), a bad pupil, i did rarely attend to classes if no exam was announced nor did i do my homework. The reason for this comes down to my depression, school seemed "pointless" and generally unpleasant. My arrogance was also to blame, being able to write good grades without much learning and behaving accordingly did surely not help.

This moment was a mayor punch to the face and completly crushed all and any plans i had for the future, education and jobwise. If this wouldnt have happened i might have a better life now, but i couldnt know. It is by far not the only problem i had on my way of life so far, but i believe its one of the bigger landmarks. Of course it didnt help with my depression, it crushed the few plans i actually was hoping for and wanted to do, taking the light and shutting me in total darkness. I could not see the path anymore.

From there my little bit of life essentially halted. I stopped caring about anything.

I never was a popular or social guy/girl but i never had any problem with this. Its notable that i already had gender issues at this time, like id wonder and dream about being a girl, my online identities were all without exception female and i enjoyed being addressed and treatened like a girl. I never spoke about it with anyone though.

I didnt live at home, i lived in a home for... not sure how you'd call it... "unnormal" kids, i moved there because there wasnt any school for hearing aided people at home for me. I hated the other kids and couldnt associate myself with any of em, they were mostly criminally active and destructive to their surrounding. There little things im proud of myself but if theres something i am proud of, its surely not doing any alcohol, drugs or cigarettes like those kids did, neither did i ever have any serious issues with the police. As a result of me not fitting in, and me generally being unsocial, i got bullied by them. It was hell for me, but there were also nice moments in this time, altough these got heavily overshadowed by the others. I moved back home as the school ended.

Im noticing here, that im painting a heavy victim image for myself, this might or might not be true, i dont know. But please know im not fishing for attention or anything, i just feelth the need to speak about all of this. I do not wish to be viewed as victim only, i had choices in my life at this point and did misstakes as i did good choices. Im sorry for rambling there.

Lets fastforward 2-3 entire years of doing nothing but sitting around and escaping reality with books and virtual games expecially. 2-3 Years of time to think about myself, but mostly suppressing thoughts in general. I never cut myself, i usually succesfully pushed away all and any thoughs, but i was generally (and still am) hopeless. I lived as female during this time, as i escaped reality. During the times i didnt push away reality and emotions i was sad and my feminime side was also sad and crying. Im not sure at which point, but began to research about transexuality and the wish to "start" living and being female in reality as opposed to in virtuality began to grow. I still didnt talk about it to anyone except a few friends i've made in the internet.

Now almost in the present, 2 days ago. Im 19 years old.

Im having one of these phases where i dont push away reality again, since a week or two, and im bathing. I watched videos about crossdressers and actual transgender people transistioning and becoming what i so much desire, it made me happy and gave me hope. Im letting myself sink into the water and dream about being in the public bath, as female of course, being confident in my body. It probably was the happiest moment i had since months! I finish bathing and dried myself with a towel. I begin trying to bind the towel around my chest like any girl would do, but of course it would fall down every time. I binded it again as suddenly my mother storms into the bath being in hurry to use the toilet (she didnt expect me to be there), and sees me, with nothing but a towel around my chest.

Embarrased she ran back out and up the stairs to the other toilet upstairs, leaving me perplexed and surprised in the bath.

This moment was important, in this moment my depression wasnt present at all, and i had a wish: Asking my mother how to bind the towel properly.

Still being surprised and with nothing but this wish in my head i walked outside the bath, still holding the towel over my chest. I waited in the corridor for her to come back down and asked her as she came down. She gave me a look and explained it to me. Then she asked me, "Why?". "Do you know how i feel about my gender?" was my reply. And then i explained her how i feel and told her about my wish to become a girl.

She was very supportive, and suddenly... I could see a path of life to walk on. I still cant see the light but i finally found the way which was in plain view all the time. (refers to signature).

Im excited. Im happy. I know this way is difficult and i might have issues with some problems as i cant see the light just yet, but its a way. On which i can move on.

Thanks for reading this huge post!

Alruna

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's dear. It sounds you've had quite a journey so far. I presume you have moved home after school. I know that hearing impaired children often have a rough time and think that i remember you having that issue. Gender discoveries do not change everything all of a sudden. if depressed before transition it is likely that while it will be better some work is necessary to find the peace we all seek.

Sounds like your mom is great and that will be such a help. I don't know the medical system in Germany but you might want to pursue finding a therapist and a gender therapist if you have that kind of help available.

In the meantime enjoy your time here. Your english is excellent and will only improve as you read about the journeys others are on and post about your own. Again Welcome.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Alruna. I'm glad to hear that your mother is supportive so far, and perhaps with her help, you can find a therapist and learn more about how you feel, and determine if you are indeed transgender and what that might mean for your future.

But one step at a time, hon. I think first you ought to find your place in the world, get back into school or adult education and perhaps college. You seem bright enough, but just need motivation. In the meantime, perhaps you can find work, although I know that might be challenging for someone with a hearing impairment. But please, never give up hope for a good life.

Please look around these forums and post questions or comments, or start a new thread, wherever you like. We'll do our best to answer them honestly and accurately.

When you have a chance, please review the site Terms and Conditions (the rules), as we use them to keep the site safe and pleasant. A link is at the lower right of every page.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Alruna]

Welcome to Laura's dear. It sounds you've had quite a journey so far. I presume you have moved home after school. I know that hearing impaired children often have a rough time and think that i remember you having that issue. Gender discoveries do not change everything all of a sudden. if depressed before transition it is likely that while it will be better some work is necessary to find the peace we all seek.

Sounds like your mom is great and that will be such a help. I don't know the medical system in Germany but you might want to pursue finding a therapist and a gender therapist if you have that kind of help available.

In the meantime enjoy your time here. Your english is excellent and will only improve as you read about the journeys others are on and post about your own. Again Welcome.

Hugs,

Charlize

Thanks Charlize, true, it sounds like quite a journey and yet im still at the beginning of my story however it will thurn out.

Yes, i did move back home after school.

I dont expect my depression just to go away as i transistion, that thought seems laughable for me considering how many years i have it already, but yeah it ill need work and im going to tackle on it.

My mom is indeed great, i had a talk with her recently and we talked about my body, she told me as example that my hair is beautyfull (Im having almost shoulder long hair, one of the few things i actually like about my body.) which is a very needed confidence boost.

Thanks for your compliment on my english, i actually used to dislike english in school but i learned more and started to like this language thanks to my long time online. I actually reached a point where i use way more english than german. My german is "englishified", i say... theraphist as opposed to therapheut as example (lacking a better example right now but such stuff happens often to me), which is funny. Its almost like english has become my native language.

Is there a way to have online theraphists? I feel much more confident when writing, speaking in general is difficult to me.

Welcome to the Playground, Alruna. I'm glad to hear that your mother is supportive so far, and perhaps with her help, you can find a therapist and learn more about how you feel, and determine if you are indeed transgender and what that might mean for your future.

But one step at a time, hon. I think first you ought to find your place in the world, get back into school or adult education and perhaps college. You seem bright enough, but just need motivation. In the meantime, perhaps you can find work, although I know that might be challenging for someone with a hearing impairment. But please, never give up hope for a good life.

Please look around these forums and post questions or comments, or start a new thread, wherever you like. We'll do our best to answer them honestly and accurately.

When you have a chance, please review the site Terms and Conditions (the rules), as we use them to keep the site safe and pleasant. A link is at the lower right of every page.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Thanks Carolyn.

My mothers support is essential for me since i lost any way to stand on my own legs thanks to my extended time of excaping reality, learning to live is top piriotity right now, i've forgotten how the outside is and im scared of it. I cant get anywhere without my family right now.

Im faily sure im a girl but there rarely times where im thinking if im just telling myself this, but in any way, its a goal to work for. Which might be everything i need to get back onto my feet. I always told myself that i cant become a girl, that its pointless to even try, stuff like that, but my mother being so supportive might have broken this downward circle.

I did read the rules carefully before i registered, is there any reason to remind me of them? (only thing i could imagine right now is implied nudity because i mentioned bathing... )

Hugs back,

Alruna

[Carolyn Marie]

.I did read the rules carefully before i registered, is there any reason to remind me of them? (only thing i could imagine right now is implied nudity because i mentioned bathing... )

Hugs back,

Alruna

No special reason to remind you, Alruna. Many people don't read them first, so I usually ask just to make sure. You did just fine on your post.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Alruna,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna