My step series

[Guest erinanita]

In January I started taking a step series at my home group. All the other times I have worked on the steps I have done them on my own time. This group started out with over 25 participants but now it's down to 7. Doing the steps in an organized fashion takes a lot of commitment.

The first three steps were like a foregone conclusion, but I really had a lot of problems getting through step four. So much fear! So much procrastination. I kept telling myself that it wasn't finished. I just I had to go on so I booked an appointment for almost a week away and then i couldn't wait for the time to arrive. I read through the step four that I had written and talked some as well about my life. The minister was somebody I didn't know but he really set my mind at ease with the prayer he said before I started. I talked a lot about my resentments, mostly with issues relating to my family and my transition. When I was done his prayer lifted a huge load from me. I felt totally relieved. I was ready and asked to have my shortcomings removed and now I just can't wait to get into step 9. I know I shouldn't rush this step though.

When I was getting into step eight I was thinking about some wrongs I wanted to right from the time when I was still presenting as a male. I thought that I should get advice from a male and then I thought maybe I should ask this fellow to be my male sponsor. He refused but he did stress that I could call him anytime. I agree that I really need to work with my female sponsor. I don't think I'll ever try that again. It's just embarrassing.

Anyways I am totally thrilled to have gotten over that huge hurdle. I have never been much of a reader but since I did my 5th step I am reading AA material constantly. And really enjoying my prayer and meditation.

Erin

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing Erin. It sounds the miracle is working within you. At a meeting last night it happened again.....i cried as i read the promises. I feel so fortunate to have found such a powerful way to recovery that i can share with others.

Thank you for sharing yours,

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

[JenniferB]

That sounds great Erin. It's amazing how our life changes when we are willing to work the steps, and especially when we take action.

Jenny

[Guest erinanita]

I am finding that step nine will maybe be as hard to get into as step four was. I went out to an open meeting last night to see my older brother celebrate his 36th birthday. I know I need to do amends with him. I used to idolize him. Although he is not responsible for my sobriety I like to think that I would not be in AA if it wasn't for him. I did get a brief chance to talk to him and express my congratulations. I did also mention I thought I owed him an apology and would put my thoughts on paper and give them to him at a later time. I don't think he replied. He has disowned me because I transitioned. After I talked to him I had to make a quick exit because I could feel the tears starting. This will be the hardest part about my step nine but I feel the need to get it done.

Thank you all for your comments.

Erin

[Michelle 2010]

Hey Erin just got to this thread. Glad to hear that burdens are lifted as a result of doing 4 and 5. Doing step nine with a person who i thought was far more of a jerk than I was was a very spiritual experience. It also dramatically changed our relationship for the better. If you have alot of fear or pride on the line, it may be worth talking with your sponser about revisiting the 4th and/or step 6, right? Letting go, emptying the garbage and such, all precedes the biggies in step nine the way I learned it.

Love hearing your story!!!

Michelle

[Charlize]

I would talk to your sponsor dear. It sounds like you need to talk this out. If your brother has a long time in the rooms i would think that he would respond positively if you told him you want to make amends. You simply need to clear your side of the street. He may or may not except or may not even want to listen but you need to express how your character defects may have harmed him and ask for forgiveness regardless of the response. Oddly when i first did my steps i hadn't realized how much i felt my gender issues were a character defect. I tried to discuss it with my sponsor but it only became clear as time went on that being trans isn't a defect. The defect was lying and cheating both myself and others because of the fear of the response and loss of self respect.

You will be able to do this and it may well help you find a path that includes a better relationship with your brother. Please do ask your sponsor for help. Thats why we have them.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest erinanita]

I wrote a letter to my brother. I didn't expect him to forgive me, nor did I expect him to welcome me into his heart, but I just needed to clean up my side of the street. I put the letter in his mailbox after attending a meeting at my home group. He only gets his flyers in that box so I didn't know when or even if he'd get the letter. A few days after that I met him at a funspiel for our district. I did say hello but he only looked at the floor and never said a word. A short time later I got a phone call from him. He wanted to meet me for coffee. I was totally elated.

I met him at Timmy's and he talked of accepting the idea that I was definitely back in AA and that we likely would be running into each other at times. He told me that he would in future say hello but nothing else. He said that he was really annoyed when I attended his birthday. (I already knew that. I was sitting across the room from him watching him get redder and redder. He hadn't appreciated my show of what I thought was respect.) He also said that he did not want me to ever show up at his home group. I was tempted to let him get away with that but his home group was mine before he ever moved back to this city. In fact that was the group I sobered up in. I told him that I was sorry, that that couldn't happen because I had too many friends in that group.

I have cleaned up my side of the street. His feelings are his responsibility, not mine.

Erin

[Charlize]

I'm glad you have done your best to put things right with your brother. You are right, you've cleaned your side of the street. Now it is time to let that go. Even though we make an amends we can still dwell on the situations, especially with our families. I love the expression "drop the rock". It is hard to leave these things behind us which is why we ask our HP to remove our shortcomings. Just as in asking for help in stopping our addiction we need help to drop our resentments and other defects so we can find peace of mind. This is easier said than done. I have several resentments that always seem to crop up but i'm so much better able to deal with them if i don't let them grow within me and deal with each issue as it comes. I can take a simple slight and make it grow into a war. As you mentioned they are often the others persons problem and i can't be responsible for fixing them.

Thank you for sharing.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest erinanita]

Thanks for the kind comments Charlize,

It's been about two and a half years since I completed my transition and more since I changed my name. That did cause some big rifts in the family but we haven't been close in many years regardless. I may have had resentments against all of them but since coming back to the program, I've grown so much more. I've learned to accept and love myself and also accept the way others see me. My self esteem is more secure than it's ever been.

I like that expression too though I can't recall ever hearing it before. I have old friends who still call me by my male name but they wouldn't out me in public. Of course over the years I've been called everything in the book. My mother just called and she's coming to visit so I get to be her feminine son for a week or so. As long as I remember to keep God close nothing can hurt me.

God bless,

Erin

[Guest ashleynikole]

My mother just called and she's coming to visit so I get to be her feminine son for a week or so.

You are a stronger girl than I. I love my parents and respect everything they have to say, but I could never go back to being their feminine son even for a week. Next time I see my mother will be Thanksgiving and in January my face won't even look the same. I'm just moving on with my life and they can either get on board or get left at the station.

Glad you're doing good about it and that you are keeping God close in all this. I wouldn't be doing it if God had not told me He made me this way for this purpose.

God bless

Ashley

[JenniferB]

Thanks for the kind comments Charlize,

It's been about two and a half years since I completed my transition and more since I changed my name. That did cause some big rifts in the family but we haven't been close in many years regardless. I may have had resentments against all of them but since coming back to the program, I've grown so much more. I've learned to accept and love myself and also accept the way others see me. My self esteem is more secure than it's ever been.

I like that expression too though I can't recall ever hearing it before. I have old friends who still call me by my male name but they wouldn't out me in public. Of course over the years I've been called everything in the book. My mother just called and she's coming to visit so I get to be her feminine son for a week or so. As long as I remember to keep God close nothing can hurt me.

God bless,

Erin

Good luck with your parents. I know I couldn't handle them calling me their son once I lived full time. They would either accept me for who I am or I'd keep them at a distance, but keep the door open if they ever changed their mind.

Jenny

[Guest erinanita]

Mom's 91. Dad's gone to be with God. Mom says it's okay to be intersex, but you don't tell people. She's the only person in the world that still expects me to be a guy. If we're in a restaurant or a store she makes sure everyone in the whole building know I'm her son. They all still address me as a female. I think they likely think she's senile.

It's not going to affect my feelings.

Erin