Who i am, who am i

[Guest Bug90]

Hello, my name is Bug. I am on a journey to find my self. I have cross dressed for longer than i can remember. I have hid my cross dressing from every one (i was caught by my mom but i lied about the reason), and in hiding who i wanted to be i lost my self. A few weeks ago i told my girlfriend of 5 years and mother of my daughter about my cross dressing and other things that i have hidden about my self. She was... shocked to say the least, her 6'1" manly man neanderthal of a boyfriend hated the masculine feature of his body, after the initial shock she came to accept me (i was ready for her to walk out on me) and even went with me to buy some girly cloths. It felt great to open up and now i come here to be able to talk to other people like me and hopefully find a friend.

p.s. sorry for the bad grammar and spelling

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Welcome to Laura's Playground Bug

It is good to hear that you have found acceptance among your loved ones that is a very good thing. You'll definitely find some like minded people here to talk with and share your thoughts.

We do ask that all new members check out our terms and conditions at least once which you can find here, or by clicking the link on the bottom right hand corner of this page.

Hope to see more from you!

Sarah

[Guest Bug90]

Hello Sarah and Laura's Playground. So i still fill strange talking about dressing up and that why my first post short. So here is my full story

I don't remember my first time dressing up i know i was some were around 4-5 and it was more or less just curiosity the cloths (whats so special about a dress that only girls get to wear them). As i grow up i would try on my sisters and moms clothing when nobody was home and it was fun and felt right. I didn't get to dress up much tell i was 11 when my family moved and i got my own room and was old enough to be left alone for more than a hour or two.

When we moved i had a huge amount of time alone so i dressed quite often, and had my own room so i could dress at night. It was fun tell i was caught, my mom keep quiet from the rest of the family and had a talk with me, i told her that "I was depressed from not seeing her very often" witch was a lie, and she told that I'm a boy and should never dress again. Well i never stopped and was caught two more time. On the 3rd time being caught with girls clothing my mom told my dad and step mom about it and they got me in to see a therapist.
The therapist did not help becous i lied to him about the reason. I was depressed but i told him it was becous of how little i saw my parents and how much fighting was going on with the family i lived with and my step family i would see on the weekends. In truth it felt right to dress up. Anther thing that did not help was they my parents treated this as a "disease to be cured", witch made me fill... defective.
Going throw Jr high and high school filling bad to be me was rough, i had friends but i kept distant from them. I only hung out with a few friends and not on a regular basis and when i did it was mainly to play D&D or help them fix there car or computer. As far as girls went i could talk to them no problem but to ask one to hang out was near imposable let alone ask one on a date. My self esteem was very low, i thought of my self as ugly and people were just polite enough not to rub it in my face. I grew my beard out in order to cover my face that still to this day i do not like.

After high school i dressed less and less, I filled my time with two jobs and was hanging out with who would become my GF. I treated her as if she were just a friend for 6 months, she was confused with me becous i would pay for every thing when we would go hang out but i never made a move. I wanted to get close with her but was scared to, i was still uncomfortable being me. As time went on my dressing up became even less but the times i did was filled with guilt, i was lying to my GF and lying to my self.

After three and a half years with my GF she became prego (oops) i was not ready to be a parent but i was happy, I thought that this would help fix me (it didn't) and that i would be happy with my self (still not). Seance then things have became stressful to say the least. Family members went to jail, my GF went throw major baby blues, a cousin's baby died during berth, and sis tried to commit suicide, and many more things. During all this i started to dress more and more witch made me fill bad becous i was still lying to my GF and my self and it was sending me into a depression and I started to get suicidal thought really bad.

Six weeks ago i had a chance to dress up (witch i did) and i just felt sick and guilty after so i planed to tell my GF on my weekend (my work week had just started) so we had time to talk about things. Well i started to get nervous and was acting sketchy about making plans for the weekend. We got into a fight a few hours befor i had to go in for my last day at work so i told her about my dressing. She was shocked to say the least and was very conserend about who i was. We talked for a bit befor i had to go to work and told her to write down any qustion she had and i would anser them when i got home. well we talk some more and over the weekend we had a date night were should could fill that nothing had changed then we went to the store and bought some clothing for me, and it felt geart.
I have started to see a therapist again and I'm being truthful about my self, it has helped a ton. I have also opened up to my GF and started talking about are problems (most of witch were started or made worse by me not opening up), but as time goes on and i can dress more openly (my GF dose not like to see me dressed) and start acting more how i would like to be i fill more and more displeased with who i am. I have wondered what i would like to be a girl sense i was 12 and have thought about it a lot these past few years, and so right now I'm trying to find out how I am.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Bug

You are going through a load at the moment and all I can say is good luck and stick with it. Remember you have us here to talk to any time.

A couple of things you said mirrored my own life. My girlfriend could not understand why I would not make a 'first move', and so she did. You see, I could only view her as a friend: I was not masculine enough to 'be a man' with her. I am always like that with women - they are friends and I get on with them like a friend because I don't have the masculinity to do anything else But my girlfriend took the lead and sorted me out! Even now, I still feel more comfortable talking with groups of women than men.

Since then we got married, and yesterday celebrated 32 years of marriage!

She knows am a cross-dresser, though she is not keen on it. But I enjoy my days dressed, usually a Monday when I don't work, and I just don't worry about it. I advise you don't either. It's who we are. Don't ever feel bad about cross-dressing. As you'll read in my story, I cross-dress to escape being masculine.

I think seeing the therapist is the best thing though I have not seen one.

Bug, good luck, girl and remember we're all here to help.

Eve