A Revelation... but scared and still in shock!

[Guest Kaylee]

Hello all!

I'm new here, first time poster even though I have been to the Play Ground before. I realize there are other stories like mine... I honestly just couldn't find it again to reply, so bare with me.

I've probably written this post before....multiple times, but here I am again! Trying to decide who I am, and what I want for my future!

I grew up doing male oriented things... riding motorcycles, helping my Father fix the car, playing with hotwheels and riding bikes. I was gifted mechanically, and my Father was happy to lead me down that road. I never felt repressed in regards to gender. I didn't really know what it meant, but like anything else you do when you are young.... if I thought someone may get upset... I did it in secret!

I also grew up with a skin condition. It itched and scratched, and it looked terrible... especially on my legs. When I was 6, we went ice skating with some friends. To keep warm, my Mom put me in a pair of my sisters tights. I protested at first because I didn't want to be made fun of, but afterwards, realized that I liked how the tights looked on my legs. I always wished I had nice skin, and now it looked like I did. As a product of the 1980's, and having spent a lot of time in Las Vegas as a child, Tights and leotards were things I saw as feminine, and eventually, I stole some of both from my older sister to wear in private. At 13, I bought my first pair of stockings (red fishnets around Halloween). At 18, I started shaving my legs. It was easier to maintain my skin, I was into cycling, and my legs looked so much nicer in pantyhose. I wore pantyhose under my clothing for the first few years of college, then I met a woman... and purged everything. That lasted until we broke up and I started buying things again.

When I was 23, I was really struggling with who I was, and I started leaning more feminine in my daily life, anything I could get away with and not attract questions.

At 24, I came out to my friends as a crossdresser at a Halloween party. A cosmetologist friend did my make-up and styled my hair since it was long, and I made my own dress (yes, I can sew)! Everyone thought I looked great. I actually looked like my sister. She and my Mom were cool with it, but when my father crashed the party, I took off out the back door! He never knew about me in that regard.

As I got older, I stretched further. I was heavy into cycling, and it gave me an excuse to wear cycling tights/ leggings out in public. I was testing the water, and while I was sometimes concerned about what people thought, I was certainly more comfortable.

I purged everything one more time at about 25 for a girl... but I always struggled.... and went back to dressing. But there was always Halloween! The one day a year that I could go out in public as a woman. I had shapely shaved cycling legs, long hair that I once dyed a dark red... which felt... like home if you can understand that? I got to be me! I felt normal in a dress, heels and make-up.

Finally... when things started appearing on the web, I did a lot of research, trying to figure out why I felt the way I did. Gender dysphoria, Transvestite, crossdresser, transgender... and what they all meant. I was never sure where I fell... and I'm still not 100%.

For years, I would see movies with a strong young female lead, and had an emotional reaction. I never knew why. It had nothing to do with sexuality. It took me a long time to realize that... I was simply jealous! I thought I was weird... even though it made sense to me... that I simply wanted to BE them. I kinda thought I was alone on that front until I read an article... just a few days ago. A Trans woman stating that even though post-op.... gender dysphoria still rears its ugly head. That no matter how feminine she looks or feels... she never got to live life as a young girl, experience Prom.... or any other things girls always dream about! All of this was brought on.... by a simple female heroin in a Disney movie (Frozen seems to be a topic here I've never related so much to something written in a gender blog in my whole life!

More than a few times in my life, I have leaned more towards transgender. Times I really thought about what it would mean. I wanted it.... but always shoved it down again because of money... or work... and because there was no way my Father would ever accept me! For years, I've identified as Genderqueer, accepting that I just feel like both genders equally. I've never felt discussed with my male genitalia as I know many trans ladies have. It's just part of who I am. I had long hair for many years, but cut it short because it's thinning. I had pushed to the back of my mind the idea that I was transgender when I no longer felt I could ever be passable. At 6'1", thick chest, and a mans face. Almost passable at 23... not so much at 40. I feel like I would look ridiculous.....

So, I wear women's clothing to express that part of myself. I could as easily be doing chores in yoga pants and cute socks, or tights and a skirt as in boxer shorts (preferring the former)... My toenails are generally painted, and when I use breast forms... I actually hug them... wishing they were real. I feel whole!

The last 5 years have been difficult for me, and all of this he been pushed so far down, it's like it just exploded! It's a new year though, and so many things in my life are different! I just turned 40. I have money coming in, and am planning on starting my own business, and sadly... my father recently passed away. The things I always saw as obstacles for even thinking about transitioning... are no longer an issue! But that doesn't make me transgender now does it.

A few weeks ago while on the web, I saw something that caused a jolt in me like never before. For the first time in my life, I realized that I really wish that I had a vagina! I'm still not discussed by my male parts.... but I just wish..... I had a vagina instead! It seems right to me at this very moment. I feel like the stars have finally aligned, and there is no guilt, no job... nothing standing in my way! While it's a liberating feeling... I've been in shock a little since this revelation. I have so many things going on with family... it will be a little hard to take time for me.

I plan to go see a Gender Therapist in the near future. While it may feel right at the moment, part of me wonders if it is just the explosion of repressed feelings... or if I am finally passed the 50% mark on the side of really wanting to transition.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I plan to take it slow for the next few months. Hair removal, weight loss etc while I see a therapist and try to figure things out.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Kaylee. Thanks for taking the time to tell us about yourself. It was an interesting read.

Your plan to seek a gender therapist is a good one, and I;m sure it will help you figure out what your path should be going forward. I can't answer your question as to whether you are transgender or not, if by that you mean transsexual (feeling as though you are female). The term transgender is often used as an umbrella term and would cover cross dressers as well. Only you, with the aid of a GT, can determine if you are transsexual, and even then, it doesn't automatically mean you must or should transition. Those are decisions for the future, and right now you need good information and a lot of introspection.

You seem familiar with the layout here, so by all means post your questions and comments wherever you like. We'll do our best to answer them. I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as they help us keep the site safe. A link is at the lower right of every page.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest LizMarie]

Go slow, but you already seem to realize that. And involve a GT. Having that unbiased third party against whom we can bounce thoughts and get honest feedback (without an agenda such as family or friends may have) helps immensely.

As a rule of thumb, I'd argue that you should do as much as you need to be comfortable with yourself and no more. If cross dressing by itself is enough, then cross dress. If you don't feel the need for hormones, then don't take them. Only do as much as you need to be at peace with yourself.

But at the same time, if doing one thing alone is not bringing you peace, don't be afraid to take the next step either.

Just do things at a measured, controlled pace, conferring with your GT as you do, And give yourself time to experience each new thing to see if it is what you need or if you need more. You may eventually reach the point that you can only be happy by fully transitioning. And you may not.

Good luck!

[Guest Kaylee]

LizMarie,

I want to thank you, that's a really good rule of thumb. "Do only as much as you need to be at peace with yourself".

I'm honestly a bit frazzled at the moment, realizing what I think I want is probably what I wanted all along... knowing that I have been waiting for a long time and realizing that my hangups are now gone. The waiting is the really hard part isn't it? Sometimes you want to jump right in... and I obviously know it doesn't work that way.... but that's how I feel at the moment.

What you said brought me back down from that panic! Thanks