I Just Told My Parents

[Guest letmebe_me]

im not really up for talking right now but i needed to get this out. im kind of a little upset, i guess a little relieved. i just wanted to let u all know i just told my parents i feel im a guy not a girl and that im not into boys etc. my dad said, so? hes ok with it but hes concerned about a lot of things like hate crime and sex change going wrong etc. my mum is acting all different wiht me, kind of distant and staring and not talking. when she does talk its only a few words and theyr sort of mumbled. but says she doesnt mind who i want to be. she did say she doesnt understand any of it or why id want to do it etc. i understand its hard for them and its a better reaction that what id imagined. i didnt plan on telling them it just came out. im not sure i feel any better for telling them or not. i just want to go to bed and sleep. i cant stop crying and im not sure why. theyve promised not to tell anyone. they both think i should just be a lesbian instead as its more acceptable and not so shocking etc compaired to changing sex. so i duno. i will give them time and see, i dont want to argue with them or anything, i know its hard for them to hear. i feel so depressed and i really dont know what to do. i wish i hadnt told them. i think.

[Guest matthew41]

Coming out to your parents can be one of the most emotional events guys like us face. I congratulate you on finding the courage to do it. Please don't be afraid of your feelings, in the next few days your thoughts may be clearer to you.

Take care,

Matt

[Guest Katie-Louise]

yh that was similar to me i came out to my parents about June this year about being transgendered and feeling that I was meant to be a girl not a boy my mom was ok, then again she wanted a girl my dad was distraught and never talks to me much even now he said when i'm 18 he will give me all the support i want so maybe in time ur mom will come to terms with it. To my family it wasnt much of a suprise compared to my brother and cousin I was really feminine. Give it time all things can be resolved in time. Coming out may be the hardest thing u will ever do in ur entire life. If your in depression coming out to your doctor may help might direct u to a counsellor that can help. remember we are here to help and support u. Coming out was a brave thing and i dont think u will regret it in the long term hope this helps, love, Katie

[Guest letmebe_me]

hey, thank you

i feel kind of a little confused as im not really sure how my mum feels about it u know? before i really told her i asked her if she thinks its weird, normal, ok etc and she wouldnt answer and she kept worrying people might hear me outside. so i dont know. my dad seems like normal. i actually expected it to the be other way so im a little shocked. im closer to my dad so i thought maybe it would be harder for him. he said he never thought about it but he doesnt care who i am he loves me for me but he is worried about my future (mainly because of other people). i thought my dad would be distant and my mum would just be like its ok, i knew! she said she thought she knew. i feel so bad for putting all this on them. my mum is such a worrier and anything sets her depression off so i feel evil. she says she wanted a girl and was so happy i was a girl because she has only got sons. it makes me feel awful. do u think i am? i dont know. i think as you said matt, give it a few days and hopefully all our thoughts will be clearer. i guess for them theyre only just coming to terms with it wheras ive known forever so its gota be hard. im so glad to have lauras to come to

[Guest Zenda]

letmebe..me In a year or so time you will be thinking "coming out wasn't so bad after all " As Katie-Louise says "TIME IS A GOOD HEALER". My ex partner thought along similar lines to your parents ...she said 'if I had been 'gay' it would have been easier to come to terms with'-not realising sexual orientation and gender identity are not one of the same however it's a common mistake that people make. You should see if your local library have copies of 'True-selves' by co authors Mildred Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley. It would help both your parents understand your condition better and perhaps give them some form of peace of mind knowing other families have managed to overcome issues surrounding their trans-child. Be happy ...some things are better out than in!

Metta Jendar

[Guest matthew41]

Daniel,

If I was a betting man, I would have lost money guessing the reactions of my family members too. I think you understand it quite well when you said you have known forever but they're only just coming to terms with it. Your not evil in anyway, shape or form. Having been in your shoes long ago, I remember too worrying about how this would effects my family and I let it stand in the way of my own happiness for many years. Your family will have there own concerns and it may take them each different amounts of time to realize that your happiness is important to them. They will eventually grieve the lose of a daughter they believed they had, as if she had died, when they decide to accept you as another son.

Matt

[Guest letmebe_me]

thank you so much for all of your kind replies. i feel a bit better now, its just a little weird around them at the moment. thanks jendar, i will have a look for the book. are there any other books anyone can recomend too please? thanks matt, i told them i am still the person theyve always known on the inside, i may just look different eventually on the outside so theyre not actually losing me - its like when u have a haircut u look different but it doesnt change who u r like personality etc. the thing is my dad understood it but my mum keeps saying having a sex change wont solve anything you will still be a female no matter what u do. and i dont know what to say to make her see it from how i feel. i think shes kind of trying to not face up to it as she doesnt want me to change and all that so i dont want to go on. im just going to leave it and act as normal and if they want to talk then i am happy to talk to them and answer any ques etc. when they feel comfy or ready they will come to me im sure right? i dont want to end up arguing with them by forcing it on them etc. my mum is also worried that i see a gender therapist and they bribe me into stuff or make me believe stuff thats not true, twist things or give me meds etc too soon and i cant go back etc. she said its too drastic u cant just go from a girl to a boy like that. i feel like such a bad person.

[Guest matthew41]

Yes its a good idea to try and not force it on them. They have their own thoughts to think through right now. Only if you see them going out of their way to avoid it on a regular bases would I suggest you bring it up yourself. Your mom doesn't yet understand that its how your brain is wired that determines your gender, not your body. Her statement is the same as my dads, "you will still be a female no matter what u do." When she has heard your male speech patterns, male emotional expression, sees your posture and mannerism become male, she will begin to see the real you. My dad finally got it when my voice and face changed as well. He had to see me change over time and experience me as a guy to finally understand and except me as his son. My mom had supported me the whole time, but when I finally morphed into the man I am now, she and my sisters all grieved the loss of the old me. It surprised all of us but they needed it. Jamison Greens book, Becoming a Visible Man, is long but has an opening chapter that explains brain gender.

Matt

[Zufrieden]

Books? Did someone say books?

See the Books topic on these forums or My Website.

Congratulations on coming clean with your folks LetMeBeMe. Imagine if you had kids, wouldn't you want them to tell you?

Ok, nobody really wants to have transsexual kids. Nobody really wants to be transsexual. But that's the way it is, you can't fight reality.

I think it will take a lot less than a year for everybody's emotions to settle down. I hope it all works out.

I'd agree with Matt, I'd lose my bets, too. Somebody who I thought would be freaked out and only reticently accepting was so supportive

and even complimentary on my decision. Somebody who I thought would take it so naturally was a little weirded out, but accepting.

Still, the next person who responds to my "This is serious, I'm not joking" with "You're joking?" is going to get smacked upside the head.

Z.

[Guest brandt]

at a point you should be proud that you took the courage to tell your parents. even though its like the hardest thing ever to come out to. i know that reactions to these dont come out as they are expected. or they come out better you thought it would come out. for me the reaction of my parents when i told them. well didnt go so well. so for me i wished i didnt say anything. but at the same time i feel like i dont have to hide anything anymore. that im relieved. but it kinda sux that they dont understand and right now they seem to ignore the situation. and im trying to work up by talkin to them about it again. cuz right now its getting pretty hard. many parents dont understand the concept of sex change or being transgendered. and asked why dont you come out lesbian or gay instead. well for most people its not sexual orientation that they want to transition into who they want to be. so yea. well just give your parents time. im sure they'll come thru and help you through.

-brandt

[Guest letmebe_me]

matt, thank you again, youve been so supportive and i really cant thank you enough! my mum can understand if i want to be a lesbian but not how i can be in a straight relationship with a girl as she thinks i am a girl inside and out but ive tried telling her im male inside and i want to change the outside so it matches, so i feel right but i didnt want to push it. today she has been so different. we spoke bout it once because i asked her how she was this morning and she said well how do you think? so i said im the same person i was last week, just be normal with me. and she just went hmm. and we havent spoken much other than that all day and weve been togehter almost the entire day decorating. its been so weird. the other day while decorating we were talking like normal about anything and everything and messin about and stuff. like normal. granted, me and my mum arent close but we did get on and we do love each other i know. she either doesnt look at me or when she does she just stares at me with a frown on her face and im not sure what to say to her. its so awkward and uncomfy. i dont know what to do or say to make her feel ok. i just keep saying sorry and she goes hmmm too late now. my dads been ok, its just been like normal. he said he had trouble sleeping last night cos all sorts was going round his head and he has said hes worried for me but hes been talking with me like normal and everything. 2day my mum said im losing my daughter and i had to stop myself crying. i feel so awful. i feel selfish and cruel. i just feel like such a nasty person to put my mum through this. but do iwant to keep putting myself through hell pretending to be a straight girl when really i like girls and i am a guy not a girl. no i dont. i feel like nuts when im doing that. ok i feel like nuts now but u know. i dont know. ugh. sorry. i feel so i duno, upset, confused, frustrated, angry etc. i wish i didnt say anything :'( i KNEW it would hurt her so why did i tell her? she talked it out of me actually. and she thought i was a lesbian. my dad said he had no clue he just thought i was a tomboy. he even was joking with me and stuff. we were talking and i cant remember what it was about but he said youl have a big lump if u have a sex change and he said im joking and was laughing. it made me laugh cos i knew he wasnt making fun, he was just messing about. and it showed me he feels the same about me as he did the day before i had told him. which i am glad about. i love my dad so much and weve always been so close so i would be extremely heart broken if he had of reacted the way i thought he was going to. knowing my dad (hes a straiht forward guy and pretty old fashioned), i thought he would think it was a load of rubbish, think i was weird etc and not want to ever talk to me or see me again. i had images of him throwin me out and everything. but hes been fab. so that im glad about. maybe underneath he is upset but hes not shown it or said it. and hes a VERY honest person. he will tell u the truth even if he knows it will kill you. hes also shown me he understands it a lot by the things hes said about it but my mum seems to think that i just want to change my body now and that its a spare of the moment thing which i will regret and that i dont really want to do. she thinks its been forced on me, talked into me, that i think its fun or cool, that i got it from watching a film or tv or that im going mad (i have depression and ocd). she thinks its not my mind which is male and that il never be male so maybe shes just confused. she thinks that i am going to go to a gender therapist next week and they will make me believe a bunch of stuff and do things i dont want to do and then within a week i will have all operations etc and like magic im a man! she thinks im going too fast. this has been with me since as far back as i can remember. the first time i really remember thinking about it though was around 5 or 6yrs old. im now 19 and ive had so many battles with myself - im straight, im gay, im bisexual, im transsexual, etc. i was ignoring it for a while pushing it away telling myself i am straight but it didnt work. my counsellor told me i wont see someone yet, probably not until after chirstmas and even and then i have to see them probably only 4 times a year. they will give me assesments and all and then before i can have any operations etc i will have to live so long as a male so like its not going to happen overnight like she thinks. i dont know. any way, sorry for rambling and for being so moany. it really is a great help to be able to come here to just get all this out, even if no one replies or anything!

thanks brandt, i hope your parents see that you r happy and come to accept you, good luck

zufrieden thank you so much

i feel much better now thats all out of my system. i cant wait to see my counsellor or im going to explode. i have been thinking id be better off dead and all. i dont know. i have been suicidal and attempted before. i dont want to die but maybe theres no other way for me to be happy? and the rest of the ones i love around me. i dont know.

ugh my head hurts

thanks everyone aagain, your all so kind *hugs*

dan

[Guest matthew41]

Dan,

Your welcome. I was exactly the same age as you the first time I told my parents.

I know you didn't tell your mum to cause her pain, you told her to get some relief of your pain. It wouldn't matter if you waited months or many more years before you came out, her reaction most likely would be the same as it is now. As hard as it is to believe, it might have been harder later if you were to pretend to be a lesbian just to make her happy now. In the long run I hope she will come to realize that having a confident son is much better then having a suicidal daughter.

Based on similar behavior from my dad, I would say your mum is looking at you from a new perspective. She is coming to grips with the realization she doesn't really know who you are. Your basic personality is the same, but to think of it as a male personality will be a huge leap forward for her. She is still hung up on the expectations she had for you that you do not wish to follow anymore. She may even begin to feel guilty that something she said or did is making you think this way.

When she realizes that her self analysis doesn't answer the questions she is asking herself, then she will likely start asking you. She may also give you examples from your life that she thinks shows that your a girl. I am sure you have many memories of moments that to you, shows that your a guy.

Compassion and understanding is a two way street. If you can validate her thoughts and feelings as important to you in someway, then she may find a way to do the same for you. I hope this will lead to healing communication for the two of you.

Hang in there, It will get easier will time.

Matt

[Guest letmebe_me]

hey Matt,

I was so worried to tell them because i thought my mum would just have a break down and my dad would reject me. i was so scared of hurting them. i was prepared to be rejected but i dont think i was prepared enough to see how hurt my mum really is. i just feel so awful. we have hardly spoken. i dont know what 2 say to make her feel better. i have been being like normal and trying not to mention it. when it is mentioned she tries to change the subject or asks me not to talk abotu it. otherwise she is very quiet, not talking like we normally did before and just kind of staring at me. i just am not sure how to make her feel better. i tried telling her i am much happier when i can bemyself which is a male and pretending to be a female is just so hard for me. i think it just made her feel worse. i can understand how and why she is upset but i didnt think she would be like this. i really thought my dad would be the one who wouldnt talk to me etc. i thought my mum had some kind of a clue but it seems she didnt, she just thought i was a tomboy, u know just a more boyish girl. i feel like much of it is my fault - pretending to be more girly than i am, keeping my hair long, wearing uncomfy girly clothes and make up and pretending to like boys etc only made them think i am an average straight girl. my mum says your just a girl, i cant see u as a boy. the reason i began to be like a girl is because i was myself and i was bullied. i got called a boy, weird, perve and lesbian etc. the girls didnt want to hang out with me because well i had nothing in common with them but yet the boys didnt want to hang out with me because they saw me as a female. i think people were also a bit afraid because they werent really sure what i was i guess. i was just me ad i wasnt hurting anyone. why couldnt they accept it? so i tried so hard to copy all the girls, it was difficult and i loved getting home and being myself in my room. it made me become very lonely, very used to being by myself. which is how my life is now - if you can call it a life. oh yeah, my mum blames herself. my dad spoke to her and told her its just one of those things that happens that we cant prevent, just as if she was born with downs syndrome, it wouldnt be your fault. my brother has an illness which hes had since birth and she blames herself for that too. which is not her fault. i know if she could she would have made me a boy. or she would have made my brain female tomatch my body. one or the other, so i was happy. but she cant. i also know if she could have she would have changed how my brother was born. but the fact is hes had a great life, sure its been tough at times but hes doing so well and i hope in a way she can see that is what its like for me. and if he could change how he looked he would and i know she would 100% support him. im not sure i want to compare this to my brothers condition though as she feels that this is something thats been forced upon me, something horrible, something thats come from my depression (actually my depression has come from this lol) and that rather than making myself better as my brother would be doing, i am actually ruining myself. my mum told me herself though that she would be worried if i was moving away, she would be just as worried if i was pregnant, taking drugs etc and she said the worst thing she could think of and that shes so glad it isnt is that i have been raped. she thought i like girls because i have been abused by guys. but i promised her that isnt the case. and she asked me what was then and when she heard i am a straight male she just went silent. then she went oh. and i was like waiiting for a reply some kind of a reaction which seemed to ake forver. it was so horrible. the hardest thing ive ever had to do i thi nk. yeah i told my dad, im very depressed right now, i feel suicidal again and even if all this is a mistake, even if the operations go wrong, what can i lose? im not happy now and its either give it a shot or waste my life away ither by suicide or by getting married to a guy, having kids and being a housewife which will kill me any way, its not what i want, its not who i am. my mum thinks that because ive not had sex with a male that i may be a straight female. i said to her have u ever thought of beig with a girl or done anything with a girl? she said no. and so i said well maybe your a lesbian. i probably was harsh but i need to be honest right? i know who i am and how i feel and i do hope they can eventually accept me for that person and realise that its me theyve always known underneath im just being my true self on the outside.

yes, i hope tha once she sees i am happy as a male, that it is who i am, and that i look more masculine then she will be happy for me and just forget that im male or female and just see me as her child. it must be hard but im not going anywhere im not dying, im still here im still her child, the child ive always been inside. i wont be a stranger. i hope when she sees me she may think who is that? but when i talk to her she will realise its daniel. and i hope she can accept to call me daniel and he instead of she etc.

right now im not concerned for me at all, im just so worried about my mum. she has depression and blames herself for everything and she tried to kill herself when i was 7. her husband lesft her with an ill baby and its left her with no confidence. i feel that i should have waited, that it wasnt really the best time. alhough i dont think it ever would be a good time. and like you said im sure she would react the same way then too.

can i ask something, do you personally think that this is who we are? we are meant to be male not female or the other way round? or do you think its something that happened in life or its amental illness? this is what my mum thinks and thats why she said shes so worried because she thinks i am making the wrong choice in wanting toeventually have surgery etc. also, do you think we can live happily withut having any treatment? just try our best to look like male/female and be with the sex we prefer and have them accept us as who we feel we are? do you think that is possible? do you think it will be such a hard and miserable life to do that though? just wondering how you feel about this (and anyone else is welcome to answer too).

sorry for the long ramble, it sure is good to talk about it though!

thanks,

daniel

[Guest letmebe_me]

i also gave them some information i found on the internet for parents with children who feel in the wrong body and for parents who have just fou nd out etc. i told them im not forcing it upon them or making them read it they dont even have to read it but its there if they want to. but they can talk to me too. so its there if they want the information or when they are ready. i hope it helps and that they dont feel im bei ng pushy and all.

[Guest matthew41]

Hey Dan,

How are you doing?

It sounds like your dad is trying to help your mum. Does your mum have a therapist? It might really help her to talk to one to help her sort out her feelings.

To answer your questions, anything is possible. Even among ftm's many find comfort at one of many stages. Some are happy just living with the appearance of being male, others take hormones but don't want/need surgery. For some, just chest surgery or a hysterectomy relieves the discordance with their body and others feel a desperate need for SRS. There is no one size fits all rule here. Each does what is best for them, and can't predict how far they wish to go in transition until they get to the point they realize they are happy right where they are.

Matt

[Guest letmebe_me]

matt,

well my mum has spoken to my counsellor once or twice and she was going to speak to her today but she doesnt want a therapist herself. i think she sees it as being weak.

i am 100% definate about having chest surgery. id have it now if i could. and i am definate about tostestorone but i am 50/50 on surgery down below. i would die for a (MY) boy thing, absolutely no doubt about it. but i just dont know yet. i hate my female parts more than i have ever hated anything and i dont know why i feel unsure at the moment but i guess it will fit in later on. thank you for your help

daniel

[Guest brandt]

hey there daniel,

seems like some things are going right. you seem pretty sure about what you wanna do and you have it all planned out. im happy for you. what sux is trying to help your mom understand. its hard i know. im pretty much in the same position. i dont talk to my dad much but he seems fine with it. but my mom is the problem. she doesnt like it and thinks its wrong. she thinks its her fault. she thinks im being influenced. its a big problem and i really do hate the fact that she cant support me because of what she thinks. so youre not the only one who has to go through the same problem. i feel the same way. i feel depressed and when im in my room i do feel like im myself. but im really glad i get to be myself out in the public. not in school because most people know me as a girl and i cant really act the way i look. i totally pass a little 10 year old boy but in school i cant act like a regular boy. people do know about though and i do go to a school counsellor about it but i havent been going to the councellor because i dont know. im not that good in talkin with adults that really do know but really dont. if you get what i mean. my mom has been lettting me wear boy cloths and is finally backing off on how i dress and not forcing me to wear girly cloths and im so glad. im glad that she bought me boy cloths and it made me happy. but we dont talk very much about it. i've wrote her a letter saying how i feel and how she needs to help support me and gave her sites and gender therpists that could help me. and well i think something has gotten through her. she's been focused on me and my grades and school. sometimes i hate that she yells and tells me to do my homework or study when all i need is a break. its a lot of pressure. but i really wanna talk to her about me and i cant do that if she keeps ignoring it. i tried but sometimes im just afraid of talking to her. i dont talk much and im usually quiet but i talk to those that im really comfortable with. and believe me i havent been really comfortable with my mom in the past few months. i just hate what she thinks. but one day ill have the courage to talk with her and finally go forward. because i cant take people treating me as a girl and calling me a she and calling me by my girl name. i could have the courage to tell that i have been having a girlfriend for over 10 months and its hard that i cant see her because she lives about 2 hours away and i cant go see her if i really have a good explanation. and being with my girlfriend and talkin to her is the only thing that makes me happy. my happy place is always where everyone sees me as a male and be with my girlfriend. everything has been getting harder day by day. but i tell myself i can make it. theres not much people or adults to talk about it. because some adults just dont understand or they arent aware of what transgendered youth is. my councellor doesnt really help so thats why i dont go to her because they think i wanna be treated as a boy and known as a boy because they have more privelages and i hate that they keep thinking that and when i hear i just cant talk . i cant talk to them but i kno that i have to open my mouth somehow. so things are at a stop from here. well just keep hangin on there daniel. im sure you'll become what you want soon. i hope for the best for you and your mom and your dad. youre not the only one thats going through this. and im glad to know that im not either. =] well laterz dude.

- brandt

[Zufrieden]

(Jumping back a bit in this topic.) Well, I just lost another bet.

I just told a long distance friend who I thought I could say that I'm having plastic surgery to turn into a fish

and he wouldn't bat an eyelash. When I said I was transsexual, he was accepting, but I heard the gulp on the other side.

And I still got the ever annoying, "Are you serious?"

You never can tell. Still, it's a lot of fun!

Z.

[Guest COLLIN]

Well that takes a lot of courage. I told my mom and my grandmother in a round about way, but my mom thinks I am crazy, and my grandmother says just live with who you are. There is nothing you can do, and your a woman. That kind of makes me mad.

[Guest whoami?]

like OMG totally. it was so hard i tried 5 times to tell my dad it was too tough so i wrote down a letter explaining. hes fine but wait till my mom finds out my dad never told her!!! its going to be verry intresting considering im starting transitioning in like next week

[Guest Viccy]

Coming out to ones parents is never an easy task , things will be different from here on , perhaps better we hope sometimes not and then there are times when the change is barely perceptable. When I came out to my momshe blamed herself after all this must be her fault , she never wants to hear another word about it. My sister was another story , ok cool but now as time wears on it has become an issue best left alone though nietherhas ever seen me dressed.Oddly enough it is a friend who I call brother who is supportive though he ribbs me occasionally , its a big brothers job he always adds but it is never in a malicious manner , I even get a kick out of it sometimes because my comebacks leave him stumbling for a response. The point is that things will improve with time , what you did took courage and now it will be easier to carry the burden and it to will eventually lessen.