I finally got around to this :)

[Guest Kaylee]

Hello Everyone,

I'm new here... but not super new. I have been posting for many weeks now, but I never got around to posting an introduction, rather just jumped into the posts... and I didn't even remember which one I did first.

Frankly, I love LP, and had I simply been stuck with some of the other sites, I'm not sure I would be on this path right now.... I mean literally on the path and walking towards my goal.

I'm a valley kid... a product of the 80's, so certainly some of the things that are reflected in my early dressing are ummmm.... "RETRO" ha ha!

I started dressing at about 7 or 8. Back at that time, you could leave you kids home alone and not worry so much... until the Night Stalker thing.... then I was scared for a while.

I dressed up whenever I could. It could have been something I would .... borrow... from my mom, or some thing I stole from my sister (yeah... some thing mysteriously went missing). Being this was before I was sexually active... I guess it was a sign. I never really analyzed this stuff... a lot of those years have been kind of blocked out.

Back then, I had a lot of crazy fantasies (I won't bore you with my psychosis at this juncture).... but in those fantasies... I was always a girl. I don't think I really ever imagined myself as a boy until I hit puberty.

One thing I know I have stated in one of my blogs, was that I have natural mechanical ability. That really shaped my relationship with my father over the years. I was constantly getting stuck helping my father in the garage building or fixing something instead of getting to play with friends as I know my sister was able to.

I don't particularly remember being jealous of girls... but most of my first friends were girls. It wasn't until I was 5 when I really got to be close friends with a boy... and were are still friends today.

For the first few years of school, I was the kid that people look back on with distaste. Yep... I was the teachers pet! Good grades, and the kid the teacher told to "watch the class" when she had to use the bathroom. The being said (and this is something my GT asked me yesterday) No... I didn't really get picked on in school (only once... see below). I was generally liked... until I went to an all guy sleepover party in either 3rd or 4th grade. Popular kid... jock... all the way through H.S, captain of the football team.... you get the picture. (Hmmm... wouldn't it be funny if he turned out to be Trans too? That's an interesting thought Anyway, I won't go into detail, but I made a comment... that I guess was a little "girly", which I didn't live down until I was out of grade school. This was also the time at which my grades went from top... to barely passing. I had terrible grades all the way through middle school.

It was that point where I figured that from then on... I would watch what I said, be careful how I acted... and pretty much started to beat down any signs that I was not just another guy!

When I started middle school, I learned early on that how others perceive you means life or death. We've all been there, but I'm going to say this anyway. Middle school kids are just the meanest little snot nose monsters on this planet! It took 2 weeks before I had my first and last bully. I didn't even know him, just some clown! He followed and antagonized me for about 2 weeks. In the end, his friend knew my friend... and we got into a little tussle in the alley a block away from home. He pushed me... which peed me off, then I pushed him, almost knocking him over, and it was done. He never bothered me again... and I had my confidence!

All though middle school, I desperately tried to fit in. I was constantly aware of what I was thinking, and being sure not to say certain things. To some extent, I moved and gestured in a way considered to be effeminate (I still do, and am very aware of it to this day. Apparently, so is my cousin because she mentioned it when I came out to her 2 days ago... anyway...) I've always tried to play those things down. I always wanted (legitimately, and not just to fit in) the shop classes... plastics and wood. Not until High school would I get that. Instead, I was in Choir (because I was in grade school)... computers (yeah... old apple IIc style) band ( I confess... I did enjoy the Sax) and then the Choir teacher flipping drafted me for choir again in 8th grade. I was a little upset, but I liked Mrs. Greene, she was a really nice lady, so I was OK with until she left shortly after on maternaty leave... and I was stuck in Choir watching "The Sound of Music" and "Westside Story" repeatedly in her absence. To this Day I cringe... every time I see either of those movies on TV! I'm sure you can relate when I say... middle school was difficult!

High School for me in the beginning was nothing but a constant repeat of all the things I hated in middle school. The barrage of classes I was forced into because no one seemed to care which elective classes I wanted... or they had already been cut from the curriculum!

Again though... I always just tried to fit the role. I was never the "popular kid", but I had friends. (on a note, the popular kid from my sisters class did in fact turn out to be transsexual which I just found out maybe 3 months ago. I didn't really know him well, but perhaps I should look her up now?) Theatre (technical theatre... stage crew if you will) was my savior in H.S. I finally found my group of friends, most of which I still keep in contact with. We were such a motley crew... but we fit as group and all worked well together. Some how... I became the center, and I was always really closer with the girls... hanging out, teaching them to drive.... and kind of playing the big brother a lot!

When I started College, I wore panties and pantyhose (yeah... goes back to the 80's thing) under my school clothes a lot. My GD in those first few years were more than a little distracting... and my schoolwork suffered for it! I dated intermittently. No one know anything, but I was always working one or 2 jobs, and going to school, so had little personal time. My 20's were very busy, and while there were times I was obvious (like when I was working a music video at seal beach running around in my spandex bicycle shorts with a hot pink stripe down the side... and my shaven legs... which women used to be jealous of by the way ha ha... but yeah... obvious)... for the "most" part, no one ever questioned me... not to my face anyway.

I was 24 when I came out to friends and family as a crossdresser on Halloween. It gives you the opportunity to claim... "it's Halloween" if someone gives you a hard time. I confess though, that when my Father crashed the party, I snuck out the back door so he wouldn't see me!

From the age of 20... until I came out, I must have really wondered about who I was a million times. My GD always came back strong about every 3 years... and always stronger than the last. I bought and purged (like most everyone here), dated, had relationships (some of which ended directly because of my GD) I've researched endlessly trying to figure out who I was, and where I fell a dozen times... and considered dismissed transition 3 times before for certain! I felt I was about 50/50%, and have been identifying as Genderqueer for the last 7 years or so... and mostly, that's been OK.

So why did I dismiss it if I knew? I was always on the fence! Was I sure? Was I even really capable of making an insanely huge choice like that when I was 20? ( I could have had kids at age 23, but I know that would have been a mistake knowing where I was in life) I felt I was female, and always related more to women..... But the mirror told me otherwise, because I'm 6'1", and when I'm fit, I'm still 220lbs! I wished for breasts many many times ( I can feel them in my mind, and I know they fit)... and while I had not until recently wished specifically that I had a female downstairs (because lets face it... I have gotten pleasure from my current plumbing)... I must have wished and prayed a million times to just wake up in the morning as a women. I even imagined how I would explain that when I got out of bed... and had to see friends, family, or go to work the next day. I even imagined how it would go down if I only "thought" I was female... and wasn;t to other people (yeah... little bit squerrel bait sometimes I would have happily accepted it either way though. (yeah... me too. Hey there K

But.... I didn't really even know who I was at that age, and sure didn't know what I wanted. I was a struggling artist (theatre geek) trying to make it into film. All I knew... was I was a guy (my parts said so), and it seemed so problematic socially, and that no matter what, I knew my Father would never accept me.

My Father passed away a few months ago, and it wasn't long after that I realized that there is not really anything in my life that would hold me back anymore! Once I made that realization.... there was no putting the cork back in the bottle. Why would I want to?

The happiness I get from simply realizing that I am able to live the next 40 years of my life... the way I should have lived the last 40 years... is just indescribable (though I'm sure you all know

The people here on LP have inspired me and given me some fantastic advice already, and I look forward to more of that wisdom... and honestly, just given me hope for my transition! Your stories are amazing, and experiences heart felt, and I hope some of my writings may inspire others as yours have inspired me!

I wish everyone here the best of luck on their personal journey. Perhaps we'll cross paths someday... wouldn't that be fantastic

Kaylee

[Charlize]

Kaylee , Thank you for your introduction dear one. There are many parts of the story i so relate to. I just posted about the national trans day, Halloween. I remember an early Halloween experience of dressing in a friends sisters clothes (she made me wear pants under the dress) and seeing my parents. They refused to recognize me. I was soon in an all male prep school.

It takes us so long to find a path that works for us. like you Laura's helped me. i found a place where i could relate to others without being part of some fetish set up by an admirer. I was trying to find myself not a sexual fantasy.

This hasn't been an easy journey for any of us and we all have our own but simply knowing your not alone can help so much to accept your path.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Even though you've been here for a while, I still want to welcome you to the Playground. This place put me on the right track, too, and I've never looked back.

It's nice to meet another Valley Girl! I grew up there too, and lived there until I married. I have a lot of fond memories, and still have family there. It's a good place to grow up.

I've enjoyed what you've contributed thus far, and look forward to much more. Best of luck to you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Welcome Kaylee!

Wow! You've shared a lot in your introduction! Nice job!

It's been a pleasure to share with you, Kaylee!

I hope you find happiness, deep inner peace and... JOY in your life!

Glad you are here with us at LP!

Hugs,

Brad

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

A belated welcome Kaylee.

Our stories are very similar in many ways. I think most of us have felt these things at one time or another.

I too share this blessing/curse and ability of all things Mechanical you mentioned.

My life in general has been heavily reliant on these abilities even from a very young age I remember being fascinated with any kind of machinery, and would often get in trouble for dismantling my toys just to see how they worked....I even at one point dismantled the carburetor on my fathers truck without asking....I got in big trouble but did manage make it work again I think I was 11 or 12, I also managed to get running a motorcycle of his he had been trying unsuccessfully to get running for over a year....I decided to fix it one day and withing half an hour I was riding it in my field until the fateful crash that nearly broke my neck,and did break both bones in my arm clean off and destroyed a front wheel and forks of the motor cycle.(Evil Knievel's long lost daughter) That two I had to fix and rebuild back to operating condition before it was sold ...

Fast forward to today I am an accomplished Home Builder from dirt pad to finish, and I am an Automotive Mechanic/Restorer from frame to finish. I currently restore vintage muscle cars for people as well as myself and have been doing that for many years now ,I am very good at it and often called on by other shops in town to do what they cant do themselves.. Its been good to me and has allowed me a living. At this point I am continuing to work in this field until my transition is complete the hard part is figuring out what I want to do with myself afterwards.I just dont see myself doing this the rest of my life, but dont yet know what it is I do want to do.

This way of life has always left me confused and wondering what it is about machines I like so much, much of the time it helped hide who I really was on the inside so of course I over compensated and became the best there was at anything I was interested in.

Even now I still find it hard to reconcile my natural born "manly" talents with my natural born desires of "womanhood". In my mind at least the two simply dont go together and the Mechanical world is absolutely a mans world.I know this because I am becoming the only woman in my area doing this,there just arent any others out there, but me.I guess its all just part of figuring it out.

Well Kaylee I am glad you have finally come to a place of acceptance and willingness to be you. It certainly feels good to finally be free that much I do know.

I hope the next 40 are good to you as I hope they will be good for me.

Have a wonderful journey

Brenda Hailey

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Kaylee,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna