How Would You Describe It?

[Guest Quinn]

Hey guys, this isn't really a FTM specific question, but...well, I'm asking here anyways, though anyone is welcome to respond.

So, lately there's been some minor drama in my world. Not a big deal, but one question that's been brought up is...what, exactly, is my drive behind wanting to do this?

I mean, I don't care if someone is a guy or a girl. I don't think anyone here does that much. It's not a bad thing to be a girl. It's not a bad thing to be a guy. So if I don't care about it in that respect, why do I care about changing my gender so much, if both are so equal in my eyes?

It's a hard question to phrase, really, and the answer is even tougher. But basically my sister and mom are just wondering why this is "all about my gender" when they think I'm such a great person regardless.

I've tried to explain that it's not all about the gender, but I don't know how to explain to them why I so strongly feel the need to be a guy, have the option to be a guy and do the things guys do, especially when those things are pretty trivial. How do I explain the feeling that just makes it so important? How can I say that I know those things are trivial in the long run, but I still want to go through hell to get them? Is it really as simple as saying, "I don't know, it would just feel more right and comfortable"?

So I'm just kinda wanting to hear some opinions - how would you guys put that into words? What's your drive behind this? Is there a better way of articulating this that I just haven't found the words to, or is it just one of those indescribable feelings that just is?

[Guest Zabrak]

First of all - of course - its because I want t match my outside to my inside feelings.

Then theres being socially accepted. You cannot deny that people are always aware of your gender and their answers will differ because of your gender. Go aheasd and test it out on a website almost everywhere. If you ask a question one of the first things people will ask is what your gender is. EVEN when it doesnt matter at all and shouldnt change what their answer is to you. People will get mad if they don't know your gender.

Once in awhile I use to hang out with guys(yeah I'm a loner who stays home most of the time) because it just so happens we do the same things or hang out at the same place. Everyone will talk and someone use to ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS go "Well -my female name- is a girl, should we even say this stuff around her?" and one of them would go "Nah -female name- is a cool girl so its fine." It TRUELY effects your life no matter how much doctors and people try to tell you it doesnt.

ALSO - if you're in a female body and say females are crazy people will have a 'hay day' picking you a part for it. If you're male body and say females are crazy you will not get the same answer back. I know everything depends on who you're talking to but not everyone dosn't care about your gender. Any gender belonging reference you make will have differnt 'socially accepted genders' that are more allowed to say this then that about a certain gender.

If you're female bodied and like females....or male bodied and like males...it's looked down on from by standers. However, if you've switched genders its more accepted by random by standers. Although being trans in itself is a danger if you pass you're most likely less in danger from a simple by standers slander againts GLB. Although I am bi and still like men - so this doesn't apply to me but it is something that applies to other people. I'm not saying this is by any means good or should be around but sadly, and all truth, hate is still out there...and I pray it changes one day.

I also just feel better in my male body, I feel RIGHT and I've always felt so wrong in my old female body.

Although all these things are out there - it doesn't mean you need to be aware of them..differnt people are more aware or more effected by certain things in their life.

[Guest Zenda]

Hey guys, this isn't really a FTM specific question, but...well, I'm asking here anyways, though anyone is welcome to respond.

So, lately there's been some minor drama in my world. Not a big deal, but one question that's been brought up is...what, exactly, is my drive behind wanting to do this?

I mean, I don't care if someone is a guy or a girl. I don't think anyone here does that much. It's not a bad thing to be a girl. It's not a bad thing to be a guy. So if I don't care about it in that respect, why do I care about changing my gender so much, if both are so equal in my eyes?

It's a hard question to phrase, really, and the answer is even tougher. But basically my sister and mom are just wondering why this is "all about my gender" when they think I'm such a great person regardless.

I've tried to explain that it's not all about the gender, but I don't know how to explain to them why I so strongly feel the need to be a guy, have the option to be a guy and do the things guys do, especially when those things are pretty trivial. How do I explain the feeling that just makes it so important? How can I say that I know those things are trivial in the long run, but I still want to go through hell to get them? Is it really as simple as saying, "I don't know, it would just feel more right and comfortable"?

So I'm just kinda wanting to hear some opinions - how would you guys put that into words? What's your drive behind this? Is there a better way of articulating this that I just haven't found the words to, or is it just one of those indescribable feelings that just is?

Kia Ora Quinn,

This link might also shed some light http://feed.belowthebelt.org/2007/07/bookm...ranssexual.html

as to why transgender people feel the way they feel...

Metta Jendar

[Guest Silver]

Haven't seen you around in a while. How's it going?

I've tried to explain that it's not all about the gender, but I don't know how to explain to them why I so strongly feel the need to be a guy, have the option to be a guy and do the things guys do, especially when those things are pretty trivial. How do I explain the feeling that just makes it so important? How can I say that I know those things are trivial in the long run, but I still want to go through hell to get them? Is it really as simple as saying, "I don't know, it would just feel more right and comfortable"?

I'm not much help here. You just said almost exactly what I'm trying to figure out. I can't really explain it, especially to people with no strong sense of gender. My mom can't see why I can't just be a boyish girl. Well, I just can't. I'm kinda femme, but in the way a guy is (that sounded weird, I hope someone knows what I mean). There are some things that just feel right, and it can be hard and pointless to fight that.

I know what you mean by the trivial things. Sometimes they aren't so trivial. Getting my first jeans and shirts from the guys department (while, not first, but...) made me so happy, and I couldn't explain why that wouldn't work if the same things were in the girls department. Why it made a difference that they were made for boys. This stuff may seem small and stupid, but it can also be pretty big.

That didn't make a lot of sense, but I usually don't. I'm not sure anyone can really explain. Take care.

[Guest Irielle]

Hi Quinn. It's interesting because I was thinking about this very thing this morning. Why is it that I like shopping for and wearing girl's clothes so much. I mean, jeans are just jeans, aren't they? But we all know they are not.

This is the analogy I use when people ask me why it's important to me.

I ask them if they like ice cream. When they say yes I ask them what is their favorite flavor. Let's say they tell me it's chocolate. If they don't like ice cream I'll find something else they like.

I ask them to give me a reason why chocolate is their favorite flavor of ice cream. I tell them to use their head and rationalize why chocolate is their favorite flavor. Give me one good reason why it should be their favorite instead of another flavor. They can't. All they can say is it's because they like it.

That's right, I tell them. It's your favorite because you like it the most and it makes you happy. That's all the reason you need and that's all the reason anybody needs.

Then I tell them it's the same thing with me and clothes. I like girl's clothes because I am happy when I wear them. That's all the reason I need, you need, or anybody needs. They make me feel good. They make me feel right. They make me happy.

It's all about the heart, not the head. It's just the way it is.

Then, when your mom and sister ask you why this is 'all about your gender' you can tell them it's not about gender, it's all about ice cream. I'm hoping then they will make the connection. None of this is meant as a put-down to anyone. It's meant as a way to put things into terms that other people will understand so then they can understand us better.

These things are not trivial, don't discount yourself, your heart or your feelings.

And yes, it really is that simple. Big hug from me, Iri

[Guest Kelly Ann]

you are a lot more prescient than you realize Silver...keep going you are doing fine. Big hug of appreciation for it too, Kelly Ann

[Guest Jackson]

Here's my reason: I need to have my mind and body match. Simple as that.

[Guest Zenda]

Hey guys, this isn't really a FTM specific question, but...well, I'm asking here anyways, though anyone is welcome to respond.

So, lately there's been some minor drama in my world. Not a big deal, but one question that's been brought up is...what, exactly, is my drive behind wanting to do this?

I mean, I don't care if someone is a guy or a girl. I don't think anyone here does that much. It's not a bad thing to be a girl. It's not a bad thing to be a guy. So if I don't care about it in that respect, why do I care about changing my gender so much, if both are so equal in my eyes?

Kia Ora Quinn,

Just a thought...It's not your gender you are wanting to change??? Isn't it more like your psycho 'gender'[your core being] wants to change what other perceive - your 'physical' appearance...

Not much help I know, but something to think about when discussing this with your family...

Metta Jendar

[Guest Evan_J]

Definately I need to have my mind and body match. If I were going to elongate that sentence I'd tag on "I need to have my mind an body match both for myself and for the world". The first part we go over on this forum at great length; "for ourselves", so that the incongruence stops and we stop feeling like we're weariong a horror movie costume thats "sealed" us in it.

The second part I know I've mentioned before and Zabrak you all but brought it back to life; no matter how "well" any one of us "is" whatever we are in our own skin and by ourselves, we do have to interact with the outside world and that world considers sex and gender in almost ANY interaction with us, from what conversations are going to be had to how our responses to that conversation get measured. People are interpreted through genders. If 9 people think that you are funny 9 people filtered that decision through your gender. Every joke you tell, the way you opened the door, whether or not you lost your wallet in teh house this morning, all of those things if witness by another person is filtered through gender. "She's funny" is literally "she's a funny female". A man opens a door holding the handle very delicately and with a flourish and regardless of what kind of question the onlookers mind asks about "why" it is filtered through that persons ideas about gender. Very recently I accompanied my grandmother to a supermarket, it was shortly after having surgery and I wasn't allowed medically to handle any weighing over 5 pounds. As her grocery was being rung up she left the line to get a lottery ticket, because she was not there the bagger left, the fact of the weight restriction was unknown to the bagger who's only available information about the one person present (visual information) was that "this person is male, the same as I am, I don't need to do this for another man" -the determination was made by gender. When we live in the wrong body we constantly experience the "conflicts" with society that their inability to know how to interact with us, what to expect of us, and what we will expect of them will bring to both of us. That day at tha store I knew why the bagger left. That actually was anticipated by me. It actually was "correct" in my sight. The thing was my grandmother actually "didn't see" that even those "random moments" are decided through gender. And if something as "not-life-affecting" as that is addressing, assessing, and making demands and granting permissions on what we do, can't do, are expected to do, and determining what we are entitled to expect others to do, then how much more are our lives affected when we don't match in school, at work, in the places and situations that lives and livelihoods are built on.

[Guest CharlieRose]

My mom can't see why I can't just be a boyish girl. Well, I just can't. I'm kinda femme, but in the way a guy is (that sounded weird, I hope someone knows what I mean).

Yeah, I've always been in the middle of the femininity/masculinity spectrum, and though I've presented myself as a masculine girl and a feminine guy, they are very different. For example, imagine a shirt. It's collared, button down, man's style, but it also happens to be rainbow pastel with a lavender tie. It's a guy's shirt. You wouldn't see a girl, or at least, a typical one, picking up that shirt and saying, "This is cute! Let's buy it!" But it's still very, very feminine, and hence you wouldn't see a masculine guy picking it up either. Masculinity and gender are different things.

And, yeah, my dad has asked me this, too. "What is it about being a guy do you want?" and expecting me to reply "Oh, I think I'll make more money that way and advance higher in the corporate ladder." No! That's not what I want! All I want is to be who I am. That's it. I could move away from here to China and tell everyone I'm from Alabama and a rabid republican, and then present myself as such. But I'm not. I'm not southern, I'm not conservative. I'm a bleeding heart liberal from northern california. And so I could lie and pretend, but then whenever someone's dissing global warming, I would have to be like, "Oh, yeah, that's such bull the liberals cooked up!" instead of saying what I really feel. (Science, people!) I wouldn't be able to mention that I know a lot about asian cultures since I had so many asian friends in california. And I would want to. Pretending doesn't work. Why would someone just make up, screw with their identity like that? It just makes life more complicate, plus we all know that after years it's emotional agony. It's hell. I just don't want to put up with it anymore.

[Guest Cody_T]

There's the whole body dysphoria

But there's social dysphoria as well.

Body dysphoria is the reason we need the surgeries and the hormones, because our bodies don't fit. And it's the reason that even if people weren't socially segregated into gender I would still need to have these surgeries and hormones, to be happy with myself.

Social dysphoria comes from the fact that when I go outside, I get called "she" "maam" "miss" or "he" "sir". The first ones make me feel uncomfortable, conspicuous, like someone is holding a "look at the freak!" sign over my head. They always have, and I never realized exactly why I felt like this or that there was another option. The second ones make me feel comfortable, calm; like I fit. It just makes me feel natural... and I didn't realize this until looking at how much more at ease I am when I have the chance of being called sir or he, no matter how small the chance.

I need both of them to function, because having a life only part of the time sucks.

[Guest Little Sara]

I'll second what Cody said, its exactly how I feel like, but in reverse.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Quinn,

Very interesting question. We'll let's see... I think the reason that you see very little difference between the genders is simply this, you respect and love all people, and that is cool. Why are you willing to go through hell to become the gender of your choice? Well for the same reason we all do... we have no choice, we can't help it, it is who we are. Expressing our true gender is integral to expressing our personalities. Some people express themselves as athletic. Others express themselves as intellectual. Still other express themselves as creative, or plain, or shy, or gregarious. Of course, every personality has an infinite combination of different characteristics. We all have these and the additional characteristic of being transgendered, thats all. In my opinion, it is really not that strange. It is simply being ourselves.

xox,

bernie

[Guest Sergei]

For me it just is what it is. I spent year and years trying to work everything out and trying to fit myself into different boxes, but I never could find one that I could fit into. In the end I decided the only way I could ever be truely happy is just to accept that I am what I am, and there is no answer to why I feel this way, I just do.

[Guest B.heard]

This was an interesting topic to read over, I guess in one lucky sense Ive never had to justify myself like that to anyone but it is something Ive talked to my self about (not that i talk to myself often )

My understand is an average joe never has to think about gender or changing it so the whole idea we want to jump ships is a real head spinner for them and if they knew more the time, money and multiple surgery's we often face you can almost see there point, but as many have you have said its not anything we picked, we choose to do most of us here just want humble, quiet, normal, uneventful little lives and deep within us is the call and unforgiving drive the body is not matching the person inside.

And if truly a gender was of no real importance anymore and why cant we just live as butcher girls or girlie guys well I ask my self this in the day to day life average joe's happen's upon many health issues to do with there genders its sounds extreme but I doubt a Doctor would dream of telling is older male patient to have certain male personal organs removed before they make any trouble as its of no importance, man has grown manboobs? why remove them his gender isnt a big deal. Women's chest often cause back aches and have a risk of cancer why is there an open suggestion to have them removed generally if you wanted?

Because these are fundamentals to peoples genders and identities if you were born a happy male and live happy in your male body you wouldn't be happy to hear a doctor suggest your baby making days are over so why not have this and that removed to save trouble and illness later, and its that same reason the male feels unhappy and wrong having this parts removed we feel unhappy and wrong having our parts missing.

To me Gender Dysphoria is like being born with the mother of all birth defects Ive tired covering it up Ive tried living with it Ive tired ignoring it, but my identity is fundamental to being me and this is holding me back making me live everyday feeling wrong and the only actual choice we have is waste your life hiding or fight back and live the best way you can, and once I started fighting Ive found I actually have a life worth fighting for now.

Well that's my 5 cent's worth I hope Ive been some help.

[Guest Evan_J]

There's the whole body dysphoria

But there's social dysphoria as well.

Body dysphoria is the reason we need the surgeries and the hormones, because our bodies don't fit. And it's the reason that even if people weren't socially segregated into gender I would still need to have these surgeries and hormones, to be happy with myself.

Social dysphoria comes from the fact that when I go outside, I get called "she" "maam" "miss" or "he" "sir". The first ones make me feel uncomfortable, conspicuous, like someone is holding a "look at the freak!" sign over my head. They always have, and I never realized exactly why I felt like this or that there was another option. The second ones make me feel comfortable, calm; like I fit. It just makes me feel natural... and I didn't realize this until looking at how much more at ease I am when I have the chance of being called sir or he, no matter how small the chance.

I need both of them to function, because having a life only part of the time sucks.

Thats one of the best "easy to understand for the outsider" descriptions I've ever heard.

Please allow me to "steal" it if I ever need to lol.