So glad I found this site

[Guest LaceyGem]

Up until now I have felt so alone in who I am, not that I am glad that there are others struggling like me, its just nice to no I am not the only one. I have been crossdressing since I was 10 or 11, I am almost 50 now, married, children, have had a successful military career, but I have never truly found my true self. I am most happiest when I am "dressed up", whether this is odd or not, but I enjoy doing all the household chores while dressed in my favorite clothing, vacuuming, laundry, dishes, you name it. My biggest problem is I have always struggled with what direction I should be going in, if any at all. As a man I am confident in my body, however as I have gotten older I don't know if that is what I truly want anymore, I feel like I am missing out on something special by not exploring my more feminine side and i'm afraid at some point it might be too late to do so. Over the past 2 years or so, I'd much more prefer to put on a dress and heels verses pants and shoes, I desire a more feminine body. I used to classify myself as a CDer, it seemed a safer way to accept myself, now I seem to want to connect myself as transgendered, even though physically I don't appear it, mentally I feel much more at peace with myself when I say it. Has anyone else reached such a crossroads? Is it a phase. I do hope somebody can connect with this, I feel as if no one else truly understands.

[Guest Lelia VA]

Hey, Lacey. You have reached a wonderful place when you accept yourself as a woman. Like you I wrestled with what I thought was a quirk, a fetish, a twisted misguided desire and lots of other bad feelings. I even repressed that part of me for too many years so I didn't have to deal with it.

About 15 years ago I realized that I had put aside a beautiful part - the heart of who I am. It took a few years to fully embrace that regardless of my DNA I was a woman in my heart and soul. Since then my spirit has soared and I love myself fully rather than hating what I thought was bad about myself.

Love yourself girl and be joyful! You will find so many friends here who understand and support you.

Hugs,

LeeLee

[Guest April Kristie]

Welcome Lacy, you will find yourself quite at home here, there are so many knowledgeable kind gentle folks here that share your situation. This is a wide spectrum of folks on various paths that can and will share their experiences with you. I too was a cross dresser all of my life, I knew I was different from an early age, but due to a body that just kept Growing taller I was forced to abandon any attempts at living the life I really felt I was to have had. I began my journey to sanity and the good life as one mod likes to put it, at age sixty. It does take some soul searching, and perhaps a gender therapist can help you to your next thought about yourself. Welcome again, and read the posts from the past they are chock full of experiences.

[tracy_j]

Hi Lacy

You are not alone

In a way I am similar as, although no repressing my feminine side as such, it is only recently that I have come to embrace things and be far more open. I think changes in my life brought this on although it may be an age thing!

As such I can understand your feelings. There are many here who will also. Good advice is also available with lots of references. You will not have to look far.

Tracy x

[Guest LaceyGem]

Thankyou so much for your replies and support!! Im sure you all know that feeling of "feeling alone" in who we are, it is so nice to be able to talk with other girls. Honestly growing up, I had no idea that there were other people like me and was so confused as to why I loved dressing up, so "Lacey" was repressed for quite some time. Had the internet been available back then it may have made growing up a little more easier. Thank you!!

[Guest andro1000]

Welcome Lacey, I myself am new here as well, but when I saw your words about how you were so glad to be here, I just had to welcome you!

[Guest grant15]

Welcome Lacey! I also just found this wonderful place, and by reading around have learned I am not alone, so neither are you. Hope you find happiness and support here

[Guest Squallsong]

Hello and welcome LaceyGem!

Your confusion and inner struggles are commonplace...people like us do not fit into the molds our society has set out for us, and we were taught that there is something wrong with people like us, so we naturally hide our issues and hate ourselves for being so evil, yet we are not evil...are we?

I've been aware of my femininity since about age 3 (42 years ago), and I've run the gauntlet...fear, hatred, confusion, suppression... and experienced that joy and peace when I'm able to throw on my favorite top, skirt, and a pair of comfortable (low heel) pumps...

I too enlisted (rejected for health concerns...but offered a commisioned reservist position...Canadian Forces...go figure). I have children, and my SO is the opposite of my assigned gender. I consider myself heterosexual (were I to undergo SRS, I believe I would be forced to consider myself lesbian). As you mention, the Internet, and sites such as this have brought considerable enlightenment to people like us, and it's a shame that so many of our generation and previous generations were so alone and lost in the confusion. I used to think I was a Sweetie, a crossdresser, a sissy, some wierd perverted version of gay (or any number of derrogatory names that I learned to subconciously degrade myself with) because I simply loved looking like the female I felt like...until age 12ish when I spontaneously grew breasts and after a mastectomy and considerable research efforts I learned that these labels were incorrect. In that respect, I consider myself lucky...many of us have been isolated and uninformed...unable to grasp what is going on and why. My condition caused me to really dig for information. I am still unsure of what label to place on myself...transsexual or transgender but at least I'm closer to understanding why I feel womanly and look manly.

As we approach 50, our hormone levels (estrogen or testosterone) start declining. For a male, this invariably causes feminine traits to present...lost strength and endurance, change in sexual intrest, depression and a host of other changes that as "men" we do not typically discuss or publicize (hence these changes often seem to be abnormal to us). It is also very common for North American men who undergo SRS to be in our age range, and I would imagine that it is not simple coincidence. For me, I am now at that point...teetering on the edge of opting for therapy, HRT and eventually SRS...it seems that over the past five years (maybe ten or fifteen) I have been steadily progressing to a point where it is going to be inevitable. At some point in the very near future, I am most likely going to have to begin, and thankfully my SO is supportive. Frankly it scares the (random expletive) out of me, because other than my SO, two exes, two female friends and my Mother, I have completely hidden my true gender from everyone, and as I live in my hometown (a small community that I intend to die in), I'll be looking at a lot of unwanted attention... I also fear that were I to go through all the required steps, I could end up not qualifying for SRS despite having commited everything toward it...worse still, I fear that time is running out for me.

I've struggled my whole life to accept the hand I was dealt, and it's just not getting any easier. So, unfortunately, I do not think this is a phase. For me, it has been an issue from my earliest memories, and it has done nothing but grow with time.

For you, I suggest that you first see your physician to check for "Low T". After that, it's a question only you can answer...our gender is an infinite scale, not two extreme points. You may find that a gender specialist might be useful (provided it won't interfere with your military career). This site has a host of information that can provide insight, points of reference, personal accounts, support, and much needed contact with individuals in similar positions. It's also a great place to chat with others both as a casual meeting place (general chat), and as a support group (specific "rooms" and scheduled support sessions).

I've only been here a short while, but rest assured, you are only alone if you choose to be!

Take care and be well!

[Guest Wanda Michelle]

Lacey ~ Just came across your post as I was browsing the site.

I can't begin to tell you how similar our stories are. Like you I have been dressing since I was very young. I remember telling one of my friends I liked playing girls when I was 5 or 6, I'm almost 60 now. I am married with children and had a successful career. I still love to dress up and do whatever I need to do.

As a man I take care of my body and am quite muscular and confident in my body but I would LOVE to be able to have a more feminine body. As I've gotten older my desires are much stronger. I always thought of myself as a CD but now, if it were possible, I would certainly move toward transitioning. I love dressing and feeling like a woman and feel comfortable that way. I would love to wear my feminine attire all the time but in a small town it is not easy to do.

I used to feel I was the only one like this until I found Laura's. So, as you are probably finding out by perusing this site, there are many girls like you and me out there.

Wishing you all the best.

Hugs,

Wanda