Hello, my name is Rachel and I thought I should introduce myself.

[Guest Rachel2071]

Hi all,

My name is Rachel. I had a whole mind of things to say but I just went blank. I guess I should start out by saying that I am a 39 year old mtf, and I have no clue if I will survive the transition. By that I mean that every time I start to transition, something stops me and I go back to the person i despise to be. Most of what stops me is inside my own brain housing group(a Marineism) but some of it is a strong outside influence. That influence is my wife and my father. The stuff inside my head is how my transitioning will effect them. I have no clue how my father will react as he has no clue as to this part of my lfe. My wife knows I have these feelings and gets very upset when ever they are brought up.

I was sure from the age of 13 that I was meant to be a woman. I believe that I had clues much before then, but it was when I was 13 that it hot me like a ton of bricks. The year was 1987, and I was sitting in the school lunchroom with the rest of my friends. There were 3 of uf guys and 1 girl. She would always tease us by almost unbuttoning her blouse, but she would stop just below her bra. She would never show what was under the bra, just the bra and clevage. While the other 2 guys would get excited I would get jealous. Not jealous that she wasn't into me as a boyfriend, but jealous that she had the body parts that I wanted. That was eigth grade and in cathloc school so I learned to suppress those feeling really fast.

From then I just went through the motions like every one else. I graduated high school, and when I was 21 I decided to learn to ba an aircraft mechanin. I moved from New York to Atlanta and went to school there. In the begining I was living by myself but soon had my girlfriend from NY move in with me. Things seemed OK for a while. This was 1995. Little di I know that a whole new world was about to open up to me. You guessed it. That world was the internet.

I built my first computer from scraps of my mothers old computer, and when I was done I had the most up to date pc there was. I had no clue that having the most up to date pc would only last about 6 months. Anyway, now that I had a computer capible of internet access I had no clue what to use it for. My best friend wa a programer and still is, In fact he was the one who convinced me to replace all of the guts of my moms old pc. I how ever was not a programer and I still had no clue what the purpose of the internet really was. That is until; for the first time ever; I did a search for transsexuals.

When the search finally came back with results it was like a whole new wolrd was there on my computer screen. For the first time in my life I finally knew that I was not the only one. This realization was both the most liberating and terrifying thing at the same time. Up until now I thought it was something that was just in MY head. Now i realize that it is a real thing and that there are ways of dealing with it.

As time went on and I learned more and more I found a theropist in the Atlanta area to talk to. I made the appointment and actually went. After I felt like a ton of bricks was just lifted off of my shoulders. I was 24 years old and had my whole life ahead of me. Transition would only take a few years and then I could just live. BUT!!! I had not yet figured what to do with the girlfriend living with me. This was the first time I would make the mistake that has haunted me. Instead of just telling her and dealing with the fall out, I joined the United States Marine Coprs instead. I thought that I could change these feeling I had. I was wrong.

Approximately one year into my enlistment I had broken up with my girlfriend and found a new one who was a little more accepting towards my wanting to be a woman. She gave me the courage to talk to the batillion chaplian about my gender issues. T my surprise the Marine Corps treated me with nothing but respect and dignaty. I was going to be discharged but while I was going trough that process I was to wirk with the Chaplain.

I got out in October of 2000, and moved in with my new girlfriend in Seattle. Only to find that now that we were living together she expected me to be the mach Marine. We lasted for a couple of years and the I found the road. The freedom of an over the road truck driver. (while I am writing this I cant help but laugh at my career choices.) I went on the road in August of 2001, and started to experiment with my gender identity for the first time.

A few years later I came out to my mother. She in turn told my aunt and my aund told my grandmother. My mom was unsure if my grandmother should know but my aunt assured her it would be OK. Nanny's reaction was funnny. She said that it makes sence. She said when I was 6 and playing soccer I ran like a girl.

Eventually I wanted to make a lot more money so I had this brilliant idea of moving back to NY and becomming a stockbroker. I moved back in with my dad and got a job on Wall ST. It was while I was working as a broker that I met my wife. I told her of my gernerder disphoria early on in the relationship and thought that she was OK with it.

Years went by and in that time I left Wall ST and went back to driving a truck. We moved to Asheville North Carolina and it was when we were ther that we got married. About a month before the wedding I had a panic attack thinking that if I got married I would never ba the woman I have know I was. She assured me that we could alwasy get divorced if things went bad and not to worry.

Since that day any time I bring up my gd I am met by nothing but minipulation and hostility. She says thing like "How can you do this to me." and "What about our marriage." and "What am I supposed to tell my family if to become a girl." Yes it was a trap and I fell right into it. Now I am trying to get out. I cannot live through my fourties like I did my thirties. I still have hope but the big obsticle is my father. I do not have the courage to tell him. If I did, I believe the rest would be a little easier.

Sometimes death seems like a good way out but I do not want to miss out on actually having a good life as the woman I should have been. I just want to live my life as my authentic self and I do not know why I do not have the courage to leave it all behind and just do it.

If anyone else has some advise I would grealy appreciate it. I am almost 40 and I need to see a change.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Rachel, and thank you so much for sharing your story. I think most of us can find bits of our own lives in yours. We have many ex-military here (and thank you for your service, BTW), a fair number of truck drivers, and a lot of folks with other interesting careers.

I also know how hard it is to tell family and friends, and you can find a lot of good advice and stories in the Coming Out Forum. There are tales of loss and heartache, for certain, but also tales of understanding, surprising support and love, too. I hope you find the latter.

Please post in any thread, or start your own if you have questions. We'll do our best to help with our own experiences and knowledge. It is never an easy road, but you can reach your destination. I do ask all of our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as they help us keep the site safe. A link is at the lower right of every page.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[gennee]

Hi Rachel and welcome to Laura's. A lot of choices you have to make. The idea is that you want to live an authentic life. There's some great resources here.

[tracy_j]

Hi Rachel

Hello and welcome

Just keep going! You will find your goal

Tracy x

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hello Rachel

I too want to welcome you and hope you are able to find some support and answers here.

Best

Faith

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Rachel,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Guest Rachael Ann]

Rachel, welcome ro Laura's like you I also joined the military thought it would " change" who I was nope n it being in the military for 10years have me the courage to be able to say to myself if I can complete SERVE school I can do this my father a combat veteran himself I was terrified of telling but I rold him and he wasn't to bad with it don't ne afraid my fiance told me you have to be happy with yourself dont let me or anybody stand in your way true love comes from the sole


Rachael

[Guest AliciaDB2014]

Hi Rachel,

It definitely sounds like you have a lot of internal struggle going on. Your story seems so similar to so many others... including my husband's. I know it sounds cliche, but you only get to live one life... If you want to explore yourself more as a person, you absolutely should. I'm sorry to hear that you don't have a supportive wife at home but everyone here is always willing to help in any way they can. Hopefully the boards will give you some peace of mind and a way to start your journey.

Best of luck, hope to see you around!

Alicia