Still Waiting

[Guest Ony]

Since coming out to my wife last year as a crossdresser I have been dressed up around her twice. She and I have been having intimacy problems and she feels as though we can explore the dressing as more of a consolation prize to me when we are on the road to resolving this, but she has admitted that she wishes it would just go away and we can have a normal intimate/home life. I have expressed to her that while the dressing can be sexually stimulating it does not have to be a sexual experience. She had known about the dressing for 5 years but finally a year ago I had enough of hiding it/denying it and at this point feel basically dismissed. I have expressed that doing this together might resolve some of the anxiety I have over our intimacy problems (feeling accepted, not worried that I am not giving her what she wants, let getting what I want - a sex experience not wrought with worry), but she has taken the stance that this is not the order of operations here. Recently I told her that I had been chatting with others in a crossdressing web site and she found empty closets for me as an alternative, which led me here. I am so eager to be who I am (I have been dressing since I was a child) - a straight male crossdresser - and feel like someone barricaded the closet, keeping me inside. I have been extremely patient and tried to put her feelings first but she still, admittedly, is just hoping it will go away. Advice?

(we are talking about seeing a therapist, I already do)

Thanks

Ony

[Charlize]

I remember trying to resolve some of my CD issues with my wife. She also wanted nothing to do with it. It has taken so many years but she is finally accepting of me as the person i am and the CD aspects have faded as my true nature has come forth. I have always dressed like you but there was more to it. I am and have been female in so many ways. As i accepted that i was able to accept being or not being "dressed". The sexual aspect of CDing no longer exists. All our paths are different but therapy will help especially if you can go together. While you may well not be considering transition you might think of seeing a GT or other therapist with gender issue training if your present therapist doesn't understand. Best of luck with your relationship. Mine has had some serious bumps but we have been through so much together after 43 years. I have been blessed and wish the same for you.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest coping2014]

Ony,

I can't speak for your wife but I can speak as a wife of a husband who just recently came out. I had an Idea around 5 or so years ago when he suggested it as a way to spice things up. Long story short that ended cuz I was uncomfortable and it was all swept under the run. DON'T sweep it under the rug issues always come back around and now we are here 5 or so years later and he came to me saying he feels he's a CD. Of course with life already being difficult for most everyone I wanted nothing more than for it to go away but I also didn't want it to be swept away and dealt with in another 5 years. SO we are talking - we don't live in an area that has therapist that deal with this (most aren't good therapist anyway lol). It is HARD.

I saw that you stated "I have expressed to her that while the dressing can be sexually stimulating it does not have to be a sexual experience." I would love to have a better understanding of this as my husband has kindof expressed the same thing but can't elaborate. Now my husband says he is straight, loves me, and doesn't want to transition or anything but it is hard to take this all in. I guess I wonder if your wife has a similar issue to mine - I feel that if the CD is sexual (even in the least bit) I feel self conscious (actually I have always battled self esteem issues which makes this even harder) what I mean is that I don't know that the intamacy we have then is because of us or the CD brought into it. Right now I have asked him to not bring it into our bed. I have been open to talking and making sure to listen. Found these forums that have been really helpful in helping me with "seeing the otherside" in a way that maybe my husband can't outright express to me himself. I hope maybe I can be of help in that same way - seeing how your wife may be seeing things.

I am (in the back of my head) hoping it will go away too because it is a struggle but I keep thinking that what if he says it isn't an issue and lies to me and then does it anyway - I would feel even more decieved so I am hoping that as we keep communicating we can find a way through this together. I am open to all this and really trying but I'm not there yet. Fortunately I love my husband so much that walking away is not the answer and I pray we can figure it all out.

Feel free to message me if you would like to visit further - I know I would gain from it as well hearing your side - my husband is having a hard time expressing

[Guest Ony]

Due to my account being so new I am unable to send messages so I will reply here the best I can, I can only draw from my own experience and what I have learned from my own research.

Communication is the key here. It sounds like your husband wants to talk to you about this but I am sure he is extremely afraid of doing so. Since he suggested Cding to "spice things up" he surely was thinking about it or doing it before that time. This is something that I kept secret for so long that even talking about it with a professional was an unbelievable experience in terms of feeling panic, anxiety. Talking about it makes it real, not just something I do sometimes for fun. I know from my own experience that since coming out to my wife I want to talk about often but don't want to push her in any way, we have said many times that it must be her bringing it up so that she can when she is comfortable, which ends up being never. He is out to you now, not talking about it or wishing it will go away, while understandable, will absolutely not work and will end up with you waiting for the other shoe to drop and him feeling rejected. Perhaps the two of you could have a "state of the union" meeting at the same time every week that way he has plenty of time to think about what he says before he does. Im sure there is a lot he would like to say but is scared of being rejected, having to answer issues about his sexuality/gender, etc. I also identify as straight and have no trouble at all when it comes to being attracted to women, which makes this all the more confusing. When I look in to the mirror and see a man, Im happy I am one. I just feel this..need (not a want, it has been with me too long and I think about it way way too much to have it be a passing fixation). There are a lot of people who are like me, I am linking to a write up by a transvestite(80's word for crossdresser) woman written in London where the author had a club for others like her, it is written specifically for their wives. Some of the questions are outdated but it at least gave me a sense that I was not alone and that there isn't anything "wrong" with me.

http://www.yvonnesinclair.co.uk/pages/Yvonne's%20Book.html

To address the sexual aspects of the dressing, from what I have read everyone is different, I can only speak from my own feelings and needs, not for your husbands. For me I do get sexually excited when I dress, that is all of the time. I also feel like I can just be this part of me that...I like to be. So there is a sexual nature to it for me, but it doesn't have to end in sex to be fun or exciting. As for your feelings about wanting your husband to be in bed with you, not with his clothes being what turns him on. On the one hand he clearly wants things to work out for everyone, otherwise he would not have came out to you in the first place. On the other hand he is just acknowledging this part of him and probably thinks about it a lot. My wife read your last message and feels the same way that you do about the clothes in the bed room as a reflection of her and its effect on her confidence. This issue is not in the least bit resolved for us but suffice to say that you are not alone. You are doing so much to try and understand and support your husband, he seems to be a very lucky person.

Write back soon

Ony

[Guest coping2014]

I agree with the Communication being key - thankfully we have a good history of that to work with. I do like your comment about the wife bringing it up (although in your case can see it's negitive issues too - sorry) I will share that with my husband as I think he is worried about "bringing it up" all the time too. Right now I am wanting to discuss it all the time as well but am torn because I don't want it to consume us as well so it's a balancing act. THink I want to talk constantly becasue I want to find a resolution - NOW! lol I'm not good with limbo but believe I have conseded to the fact that it really isn't in my hands until he know where he is so trying to arm him with the resources to "figure it out" I guess. DO i like it - no - do I wish the whole issue would go away - yes but I do know that it won't. I just think it's common nature to want things to be "easy" - does that make sense?

I haven't gotten a chance to check out the link but plan on doing it latter to day - thanks for sharing.

As far as the sexual end - I'm still up in the air. Our sex life is better these last couple of years so I was really worried this would hurt it when all this came up but he has been a lot more effection it I guess. He's never been a touch feely kind of guy and hated public displays of effection but now he can't seem to stop. Not necesssary the PDA but he is always touching my back, face, holding hands at home, snuggling - I'm torn between loving it and scared it will end because I am worried it is just about feeling guilty and trying in a way to butter me up because he hurt me or wants something - I KNOW I"m terrible but these are the things that go through my head.

I am constantly telling him I don't know what to say and silence KILLS me so I am just saying EVERYTHING that comes across so he doesn't think I"m hiding any of my feeling so I am constantly say I feel, and I'm sorry! At first I think it was hard for him but he realizes now (I hope) that it's my process so he's going with it. I guess I should ask him to make sure he is ok with it! I have started a journal and I haven't let him read it just yet but that is my intent. He knows this and he also reads my posts on here and I'm hoping he gets an account of his own and starts asking some questions as well! He has talked about it so I know he may.

In another post from another member they mentioned conversation as well - as I agreed it is KEY! I said I had an issue with setting limits with one another as I wouldn't want someone telling me what I can and can't do but they stated much more elequantly than I ever could - Thanks Eve! So I'm copy pasting it here:

"You have the right to set boundaries, but do it with love and understanding, not fear and prejudice. But I advise you set the boundaries that YOU need in order to be able to cope, and take it from there. I might be wrong, but if you set caring boundaries that support your needs, define what you expect from him, yet leave the door open for growth, development and negotiation between both of you, then you will be set on a mutually inclusive course of action."

So again we are going to have to set down (or in our case go for a drive) and visit about what this means to us! I SERIOUSLY couldn't have gotten through all this with out the help and understanding form the members of this forum. I can never thank you all enough. NO matter what happens in the end. I keep telling my husband I can't believe how undertanding everyone is and so non-judgmental! I was very scared to say how I was really feeling but cause it wasn't nice but it WAS how I was feeling initially and I still struggle with all of it - but I consider myself openminded but you all have out done yourself. For a group a people that have ever reason to be judgmental yourself because of everything you have been through and all the JUDGMENT you have taken from society. You all have made me feel welcome and at ease with being able to talk through everything so - Thank you all!

Coping2014

[Guest Roni Jones]

Communication is paramount. I'm now an everyday cross-dresser and began wearing lingerie with my wife's blessing after we'd been married about 28 years however we'd never actually talked about it until recently. Since then we've had some of the most amazing intimate conversations. We talked about guidelines and our comfort zones. I told her it's not a sexual thing but an expression of my femininity however I have no desire to become a woman. After trying to hide these feelings and make them go away for all these years I was now at the time of my life I wanted to become comfortable with my femininity but I loved her more than life and if she ever became tired of my cross-dressing I'd gladly go to psychologist and see if I couldn't be fixed.

She responded she doesn't feel the need to change who I am and that cross-dressing is a bigger problem for me than for her. As long as I stayed within the guidelines she didn't foresee her attitude changing and doesn't feel a psychologist is necessary unless cross-dressing is problem for me.

Roni Jones

[Guest coping2014]

Communication is paramount. I'm now an everyday cross-dresser and began wearing lingerie with my wife's blessing after we'd been married about 28 years however we'd never actually talked about it until recently. Since then we've had some of the most amazing intimate conversations. We talked about guidelines and our comfort zones. I told her it's not a sexual thing but an expression of my femininity however I have no desire to become a woman. After trying to hide these feelings and make them go away for all these years I was now at the time of my life I wanted to become comfortable with my femininity but I loved her more than life and if she ever became tired of my cross-dressing I'd gladly go to psychologist and see if I couldn't be fixed.

She responded she doesn't feel the need to change who I am and that cross-dressing is a bigger problem for me than for her. As long as I stayed within the guidelines she didn't foresee her attitude changing and doesn't feel a psychologist is necessary unless cross-dressing is problem for me.

Roni Jones

Roni Jones,

I would love to hear a bit more about how you and your wife deal with the guidelines? I am still torn on this topic. In the back of my head when someone tells me I can or can't do something I always have a tendency to WANT to do the opposite. I don't want him to do that so I don't want to give him them but in the same breath there are a few things that I just KNOW that I can't deal with right at the moment. We had a discussion on them and how I felt - 1 hard limit was as I said earlier bringing the CD into the bedroom. ANYWAY he broke that limit only hours after we had the talk about limits and how it wasnt me say NO but rather I was very uncomfortable with a few things and if he respected me he wouldn't push it in these areas. Of course this was a huge setback and he appolozied but it really made me wonder if he could be happy with "limits"

How do you each discuss this, if you don't mind sharing what are a few of the limits you each have, and how do these limits effect you? I see many CD writing that they are fine with doing a little CDing in free stolen moments when they can and the wife knows but doesn't want to see it. Doesn't this make you all still feel like you should be ashamed of what you are doing - that it is wrong and hiding it? I would be more comfortable not really knowing but I'm not sure that is a good answer to all this? HELP!

Coping2014

[Guest Roni Jones]

As I said I love and respect my wife and understand how she could be uncomfortable with cd'ing as an expression my duality of gender. I wouldn't be happy if she wanted to express the masculine side of her personality by having hair transplants so she could grow a beard. I hope that makes sense.

I'm a heterosexual male and cd'ing has very, very little to do with my sexuality so keeping it out of the bedroom has never been an issue.

I underdress in public however there's not enough makeup in the world or ever dark enough for me to pass as a woman and we'd both be embarrassed if I fully dressed and someone noticed or our children found out so that's not an issue.

I'd like for her to recognize my feminine persona from time to time by referring to me using a decidedly feminine name or pronoun but she's uncomfortable with that so I don't push the issue. We're at home and I'm wearing a pink nightgown, brassiere and panties, 4" heels, my legs are shaved, my toes are polished and she doesn't feel it's a big deal.

[Guest Ony]

Coping-

I know your husband wanting to bring the cding in to the bedroom feels like "a setback", because he clearly did not respect the limits that you two had set forth. That is on him and his self control and from what I can tell, nothing to do with you. The fact that the two of you are talking about this seems like progress from your earlier posts.

I can speak to his eagerness to have everything all at once. Coming out and talking about this is SUCH a huge relief and is also scary as all hell. I think its natural to be so excited that a little "binge dressing" is not uncommon for men who are just coming out (and I can definitely relate). I think the more you work on these limits the easier it may get (also the more he MAY want to renegotiate these limits). From reading these forums it seems that many couples fall in to a groove and this rarely/never happens. It seems only natural though that the first attempt at compromise will not be perfect for either party. Don't know if this is helping or the opposite...just thought I would throw my two cents in as I am going through the same conversations.

Good luck and hang in there

Ony

[Guest coping2014]

Ony,

Yes we have continued discussion and had one tonight as well! He told me that even though this is all out there (on the table so to speak) that it's still hard. And I get that but I would think it would be harder on everyone not to talk so I hope he can learn to just ask for things instead of me having to drag it out of him- I know we are early in all this and have a LONG way to go I'm just a bit impatient! lol I do appreciate your comments because it reminds me to stop and see things from his side as I sometimes forget that - for instance as you pointed out the "binge dressing" So yes do continue to share it helps and I appreciate you taking the time to share your two cents (honestly they are more valuable than that! lol)

I often deflect with humor and told my husband tonight that I was really hoping this phase (I know its not a phase-just a word I'm using) would be something like me buying fitness equipment get all excited to buy it and collect a ton and start off with good intention and then never use it! lol He laughed and said he was glad we could find the humor in it. I hope that is true and that I"m not offending him -that's not my intention. Just sharing feelings.

Day by day...

Coping 2014

[Guest Ony]

Coping-

Humor is a valuable tool and can take the edge off of things, especially sensitive subject like this! For instance today my wife referred to me as a "bit of a diva!" when I am dressed (we have moved to having a set night each week, we have no children so this is easy from a functional standpoint and I look forward to this and she told me today that she is becoming a lot more comfortable with it as a result ) and I got a big kick out of it. It also at the beginning stages can be a double edged sword, I know I replay every conversation we have on the subject a thousand times and it sounds like that specific joke referred to you hoping he will get bored with it, I hope he took it as a play on how you feel (not really a "phase") and not otherwise. I was not in the room, I don't know either of you, and from all of your posts you seem to be trying to work with him to that point you must deserve some kind of medal or plaque or something! The longer he sees he can be open with you and start to peel back the onion and see that the ground doesn't open up and swallow him hole, he will continue to increase his ease with regards to his feelings and needs. They have been suppressed for some time, it will take a lot of work for him to even become to really see what they are, let alone talk about them! I know that everything I bring forward with my wife and the anxiety surrounding this is really seated in the trouble between talking about my needs and seeing that a part of who I am is making the person I love hurt, worry, and question herself as a woman (all completely understandable).

I can only say: it gets easier, then it gets harder, then it gets easier....and over time the easier parts last longer and the hard parts don't show up AS often

Keep at it

Ony

[Guest coping2014]

Ony,

ahhh you got me - I read your post that stated it gets easier and I was like yay! and then I continued reading lol Our family deals with humor with just about everything so I think my husband knows how I meant it - we are really working hard to make sure we are CLEAR when we say things - and if we know we are saying it wrong but have no other way to describe something we say "I know I'm gonna say this wrong but this is what I mean..." Then we try to decifer it together.

Can I ask you how long you and your wife has been dealing with this - like how long ago did you come out to her?

Coping2014

[Guest KatyDesire]

I told my wife about my issues about 2 years ago. She has said that she doesn't mind me doing it in front of her, but I can see she's uncomfortable. So, although it isn't an issue between us, I keep it out of her sight, so to speak. She especially doesn't have a problem if I underdress - she just gets a look on her face when she actually sees me dressing. I make a point of keeping it well away from the bed, and our sex life has been better than ever before.

I know that I am a much nicer person than I was, and that makes me feel good, and I think she sees that and appreciates it.

She understands what I am going through. Now and then we have a small chat about it, but it is not a big deal in our relationship.

The amount I am able to dress is not completely satisfying, but I accept that we can't have everything in life, and our relationship is the most important thing for me, not the cross dressing.

Over this time, with her help and the help of a therapist, I have very slowly moved in the direction of being happy in both my skins - but I am still a long way from being there fully.

If one is in a loving relationship, then sometimes there are limits that have to be set. I can't stand her brother, and flatly refuse to see him. She knows the reason I feel that way, and she speaks to him frequently and I have no objection to her seeing him. I just won't be going along. she accepts this as a boundary I have set, and she respects it. If you set a boundary for a good reason, and he understands why, he will accept it.

You're doing real good! Give yourself (and your husband) a really good pat on the back!

Katy

[Guest coping2014]

Katy,

Your post really gives me hope - I am constantly seening on here that those that start CDing eventually transition into the MTF and that is another fear of mine. He is constantly telling me that he "knows" this is not the case but as he is free to experiment I am worried where it will eventually lead to.

You stated that your relationship is most important and not the cding - that is what gave me hope - that and the fact you stated that sometimes we don't always get what we want. I have been struggling with this need vs. want and there are a lot of things I want to but know I will never have and I am still happy with my life and I was worried that this was more of a need for him than a want. I don't know if he can tell the difference right now as it is all so new and exciting for it to be all "out of the bag" so to speak. I hope once he gains more of an understanding of where he is we can talk more and maybe be able to communitcate the actual needs when he knows more. That helps me breath a bit. I'm always one that forsees the worst case scenerio - and by no means to I mean that if he did end up wanting to transition I wouldn't be there to support him - I WOULD - but I just do see that happening as his wife. I just don't feel I could continue our relationship in that manner but I would definately be there for him and will always remain his best friend - or that is my intention. Do I want that no - and only time will tell but like I said I'm one that needs to plan or at least have an idea of what the plan is. Like I said though only time will tell. Thanks for sharing it really helps me in the process!

Coping2014

[Guest Ony]

Coping-

It started like you and your husband, something I wanted in the bedroom. It made us feel awkward (4yrs ago) and has come up at little points since. Then last fall I had enough of this as it was causing me a great deal of pain and guilt. I decided that if I could not be honest with my wife, there was little validity to the life she and I had created together. So we would talk about it, then stop, then more, and eventually we are here today. It was and is extremely hard. Tonight is "ladies night" and we are discussing our budget. Her response to this was "its better to discuss a budget with a woman, we will have more money set aside for new clothes!".

WOW

Stay honest, stay compassionate

Ony