Learning to deal with grief

[Charlize]

17 years ago i lost a 13 year old son. It was the absolute worse time of my life. I still suffer from nightmares and PTSD about the events. At the time i was a daily drinker and my drinking afterwards only got worse. I became numb and lived at what was at best a haze. It never helped and distorted my life even more. I can't say that it was his death that caused my alcoholism but i do know that for 10 years i never really dealt with it. I cried today. I miss him and even writing this my eyes brim up with tears. After 7 years of sobriety i can see that he would not want me to suffer. I can share with others in ways i never could as a drinker. The pain isn't gone but my life is continuing and i am sometimes able to hug another who is suffering as well and try to share the strength that my higher power gave me in sobriety.

I put flowers by his grave next to his grandmother and grandfather. I've transitioned so now there is something different. I can't explain that feeling but i know my son would approve. My dad i always feel odd about visiting. My mom and dad never saw me living as myself. It would have been very hard on my dad. I stood there and cried. My wife cannot go to the grave. She has MS and sits in the car. As i walked back to her the pain lessened.

Grief continues. We never forget. I have been blessed to feel my grief and then allow it to be where it is while i move into the present. A gift i never understood that sobriety could give me. Thank you for letting me share and helping me to stay sober.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Jennifer T]

Oh Charlize!! Omg, I cry for you. I cannot imagine such a loss.

But grief, like all of life's emotions must be embraced and dealt with for our own healing. God's grace and peace to both you and your wife.

[VickySGV]

So far all three of my children are very much alive, but I watched my father deteriorate so rapidly when my younger sister died of cancer. He passed away 70 days after his daughter did. The death of a parent or grandparent is in the "normal course" of life but the death of a child at any age or for any reason is not in any plan we can easily fathom, and therefor is the greatest of unreasoned suffering.

My heartfelt condolences for you and your wife Charlize, and I have given before during our time of knowing each other. Your son's spirit truly lives now in that place where there is no pain or grief and adventure that always leads further in and higher up in joy. He will be patiently waiting for you to be your guide in time to come.

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Charlize I dont know exactly how you feel but I lost my brother in 2006,I think I can understand a little bit the pain you go through.

My brother was my everything in this world my best friend and my brother we were very very close even though we were complete opposites.

When he died I was sober and remained that way even afterwards, deep down inside I knew already drinking was not going to help me or bring him back,I managed to stay sober,and in doing so I was able to feel a huge part of me literally die inside.

Its not easy to explain but there has been ever since that day a huge hole in my heart and soul that will never again be filled. Over the years the pain has somewhat lessened but never truly goes away.

I have days all these years later I will be working away and BAM out of nowhere I start thinking of my brother and start crying my eyes out because I miss him so much.

My brother never met the true me and I dont know if he would have accepted me or not but I know without a doubt I would still love him if he didnt.

At the time drinking was calling out saying it could lessen the pain right away and I would not feel so dead myself,but I knew better and I did not answer the call, I suffered and suffered without the help of booze and was able to find a little peace in living each day even though sometimes its still very hard.

My depression grew years after to suicidal depths longing for my brothers return and a fix to my freak problems, neither of which ever came.

I can pretty much say the only thing that kept me alive so I can see what my life can be today was sobriety,had I fallen back into the bottle I am certain I would not still be here.

I feel a sense of your loss and also the importance of being sober and being yourself.

Like you said your son would not want you to suffer as I am sure my brother would not want me to suffer, so I keep going trying to find a way to live this life the best I can with the all memories and sobriety it will afford.

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Dearest Charlize,

My heart goes out to you and to your wife, as well as to all other family members.

Losing a child, at any age, is a tremendous loss. A staggering loss.

I am very sorry for the PTSD, the trauma, the sadness, the grief, the loss.

I know, that although it's been 17 years, it likely feels like it was a relatively recent loss. The wounds often still feel fresh.

As Vicky has mentioned, I cannot imagine there is a more difficult loss than losing a child.

As Brenda has shared, even with the loss of very close sibling(s) and the pain is tremendous, the pain of the loss of a child is likely even more challenging to deal with.

I have experienced multiple tragic losses (of close family) in my lifetime. There is/was just no way to imagine the types and number (and the timing) of losses involved. These tragic losses seem to take much longer to heal than do the more somewhat expected losses, losses which occur in more conventional, less shocking manners. I do understand some of what you experience/share, although not all. I understand the shock, the "terror," the PTSD, the nightmares which can result from tragic circumstances.

Like Brenda, of all of the losses, the tragic loss of my closest brother has been very difficult to come to terms with. We were very close growing up and as adults. We had spoken on the phone with one another, daily, even when not living in the same state, etc. We had an incredible connection. Losing this brother has been especially challenging. I have lost a parent, other siblings, cousins and more -- at a very young ages, under tragic circumstances. Yet, my utmost respect and sympathy goes out to parents.

I have watched my mother lose two of her children -- one as a teen and one as an adult (and has also lost a stepchild). It has been incredibly painful to feel the depth of her pain as she has spent many years trying to somehow resolve the grief, the sense of guilt, the anxiety, the... oh, so many feelings. Her grief has been severe for many, many years. She, too, has lost many other significant people in her life, including multiple husbands. She still feels intense guilt and grief, while she continues to question what she could have done differently in order to not lose the son she had lost 40 years ago now. She goes through the same for a son she had lost just 10 year ago, as well. She tells me of how the loss of her children have been the worst for her. We continue to talk about this whenever she is wants to express her feelings about these losses. I try to remain cognizant of how this continues to affect her deeply and I try to keep the door open to anything she may want to express concerning these losses. Just this morning, she looks so deeply saddened, as she talks about her lost children to me over breakfast. The sadness is in more than her expressions, it is carried in her body today, is showing in her overall posture. This continues to weigh very heavily upon her. (She went to visit their memorial stones just yesterday.)

Charlize, while I cannot fully understand, I have some idea as to the depth of your grief. Truly, my heart goes out to you.

I am glad you could feel the pain lessen as you left your son's grave site. I am hoping this indicates an additional releasing of the intense grief and other feelings you may be feeling around the loss of your precious son.

"Grief continues. We never forget. I have been blessed to feel my grief and then allow it to be where it is while i move into the present." (Charlize's quote, above.)

Working through life's most severe challenges does give us an opportunity to further awaken, and while we may feel more pain, we also are able to recognize the blessings which have come about due to our responses to some fairly horrific life events, to live more consciously grateful for all we can feel and can even enjoy in the "Precious Present Moment."

I cannot find the words, Charlize, to most closely express what I'd like to relate to you. I find myself feeling deep sadness as I try to write a response to you.

I am glad you have shared. Sharing in a community carries the potential for bringing some additional healing to everyone-- potential healing for the person sharing, for those reading/listening, and for those trying to respond from the heart, as well.

I am deeply grateful to you for your open-hearted sharing.

May Love surround and comfort both you and your wife.

Warmly, Brad

[Charlize]

Please let me respond with a simple thank you to all who have responded. Tears well up as i read but also feel a kind of release. Thank you for being there.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Michelle 2010]

In my early days of sobriety, the only thing in my life that was going well was that my son was doing ok. He was my beacon of light in a world of darkness. I had a strong sense that the only thing that could get me back to drinking again was if something very bad happened to him. To those that have lost someone so near and dear you have my deepest condolences.

Hugs

Michelle