12 year old sleeping in bed with his mom

[Guest aadenr]

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year now and in my opinion, this has been a problem since I can remember. We've been living together for about two and a half years and when I first moved in, her son, 9 at the time, would sleep in her bed. And this was because at the time she thought her brother was going to move in so she had to rearrange everything, since the house is only three bed rooms, and I was occupying one.

Honestly, I really didn't care at the beginning because we were roommates. When her brother ended up not moving in, her son went back to his room and had no problems sleeping in his own bed. Once a while he would ask his mom to sleep in her bed and he would.

When we started our relationship, he was still doing this back and forth thing for a while and at the time I didn't really care because our relationship was at the very beginning. Sometimes I would sleep in her bed and sometimes I wouldn't either because she didn't want me too or he was sleeping in her bed. We never actually told her son we were together, but now he knows, not because we told him, but because a 12 year old is smart enough to know something is going on.

Then it came to a point were he lasted a very long time sleeping in his own room with no problems what so ever. Then all of a sudden probably like 5 months ago, it's a constant thing. When he sees me with her just watching tv or something, he'll say something like, "I'm going to sleep in your bed." And he does, even if she says, "no." She isn't really against it. Or sometimes he'll just say he is, and not do it when he sees me asleep in my room. It's not just that, but when he sees us together or whatever it be, he'll go and kiss his mom and tell her how much her loves her and keep asking her if she loves him or say that she loves him a lot. Which is fine, but it's weird. It's just plain weird because 1) he never used to be like that and if he did, that was years ago when he was younger and 2) I think it's weird for a 12 year old to act like that. And maybe it's because I was never like that, but I feel it's not normal.

I think he does it to make me mad, or to keep us apart since it's always just been his and his mom, but I don't think it's appropriate for a 12 year old boy to continue to sleep in his moms bed. I don't know if I'm just acting immature about it or if I'm jealous, or how to deal with it. I think it's impacting our relationship negatively and I honestly think it's just me since she seems perfectly fine with it.

I've expressed to her how I don't think it's normal, and just says she thinks it's cute and I have to understand that it's always been her and him his whole life. But I don't think it's cute. I think it's weird. Am I wrong and acting immature about it?

[Guest KimberlyF]

Do I think it's weird? I know plenty of normal 12 yo's who have hopped into bed with one or both parents. And can be affectionate. Then it becomes a matter how many times are and aren't appropriate and I won't play that game.

Seems pretty obvious and normal that the boy is marking his territory. Little kids (and yes, 12 is little) want to feel safe regardless of how tough they may act. It doesn't matter your intentions, he sees you as a threat.

Cheat sheet:The majority of women won't pick mates over their children. If you want things to get better, you have to go through him and get him to like you. The way the tone of this comes across to me, is two dogs fighting over a bone.

[tracy_j]

I cannot tell you a lot about this. It is unusual for a child of that age to sleep in his mothers bed. Normally the mother would see it as unusual and stop it before it starts.

I think it is similar to what happens in any situation where an only child has a one to one relationship with their mother and someone else comes in that might break that contact. Possible because one or both of the child and mother are a little insecure. Similar things happen when a new baby comes along and the older child feels they are being rejected because great attention is being given to the new baby.

I had a similar sort of experience when I met my partner. She had a child of 11 months and I do remember it almost seemed like we had a child from hell for a good number of years.

As I am not trained in these things I cannot really advise as it is a tricky situation and I would not want to inflame things but you will need to get on with both as in a family

I would agree with Kimberley (who posted as I was writing this).

Tracy x

[Charlize]

I think he is quite obviously competing with you for his mom's attention. That is actually understandable. With time and patience it should bet better both because he will be getting older and more independent and also because you will hopefully be less of a threat. She will always love her child as her first priority. That is the nature of any good parent. My biggest fights with my wife were about the kids. We both loved them above all else and when we thought the other was doing something wrong watch out.

Best of luck and if it gets too bad maybe some family therapy might help.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest aadenr]

Thanks everyone. I am trying to be patient and understanding. I just wanted to let it all out and hear what other people have to say because I honestly have no one to talk with about this. This relationship is very important to me, with my girlfriend and her son. I am just struggling to be more understanding and patient with both of them and myself.

[JJ]

Historically it was common for entire families to share a bed-and still is in some cultures. That in itself is not a red flag. Motive on both their parts however is a concern. In our society it is not inappropriate for a boy to spend some time in bed with his mom if they are talking and sharing some quality time which is hard to come by for most of us. But by current cultural norms spending the night at that age becones questionable except in unusual circumstances like illness or a storm or something.

It also signals a lack of boundaries. Establishing boundaries is vitally important for the mental health of all concerned. It's like not closing the bathroom door or walking around naked when children at home-It may be perfectly innocent but it fails to teach boundaries that leave the child vulnerable in future relationships and to predators.

It's normal for a child to establish his territory and push his limits. He isn't the one at fault here. It isn't healthy for limits not to be set. It's complex actually and I dont want to go into it here but as a former children's protective social worker I can say this needs to be addressed and resolved. You may not be the person to do that because you are part of the dynamic and my suggestion us to try to persuade your s/o to see a family therapist or counselor. That way it isn't seen as your problem or jealousy but a potentially harmful dynamic for the boy.

Johnny

[Ravin]

I agree with JJ. The dynamic is shaping up to be competitive, therefore unhealthy. My stepsons would sleep with their mom at that age, but they lived full time with their dad so it was one weekend a month, not all the time. They were also making up for lost time because gf's previous SO was a jerk who would act jealous of any time she spent with her kids (one of many jerky and abusive things he did).

It's not healthy to set yourself up in a competitive position with a child. Instead of approaching it from "your kid isn't acting normal" try framing the conversation in terms of your concern over healthy boundaries and him not listening to her when she says "no." Being out up about other contexts where he does it, not just sleep.

Does she want your support for her parenting, or for you to butt out of her turf on that topic?

It sounds like you have your own bed in your own room. for another approach, Invite her to be intimate there when her son is in her bed and just don't make sleeping places an issue. You don't have to sleep in the same bed together all night every night just because you have a romantic relationship.

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi aadenr,

First, I'd like to congratulate you on the efforts you have put into building this relationship. Truly, congrats!

I had been away for quite awhile; however, I do remember you and your initial concerns as you were realizing you had/have feelings for your s/o. As I recall, you were "stealth," lived with her and her son as roommates and she had no idea of your Trans* status. You were struggling with how and when to disclose more about yourself with her, etc.

I had written earlier, yet was having some issues with my computer and had to leave without posting.

In brief, I agree with many comments here. I had written much the same as Johnny's opinion re: boundaries.

Learning to establish, and to honor, boundaries are critically important skills. Parents lacking this insight are not "bad" parents, they are not well-informed and simply can use some loving guidance and support.

Be gentle and patient. This behavior of mom sharing her bed so often was not done to hurt anyone. Mom's intentions were to try to help. It is likely both mom and child have felt some benefit from this arrangement or it would not have continued for so long. While our intentions are good, we sometimes do not see the longer-term potential pitfalls of our earlier decisions. Your s/o needs understanding, love and support in order to deal with her son around this issue.

Again, I feel Johnny has hit the nail on the head when he mentions you are a part of the dynamic and mom has to deal with this situation on her own. If you step in now, to any degree, to deal directly with the son on this issue, you will likely regret having done so. Doing so will likely further advance any feelings of competitiveness between you and her son. mom is then also put in a position of defending her son, etc. It will get very messy and, likely, will be misunderstood.

Many children of single parent families feel tremendous anxiety over potential abandonment by the only parent they have come to trust. The son has tried to deal with his emotions by sleeping with mom. He has felt comforted by this. (Mom has also felt some comfort, at least some of the time.) At this age, and staying with his mom the whole night, whenever he wishes (which you infer is frequently), isn't within the norms of the stages of human growth and development (as I recall them). It is time for him to move on a bit.

It is "very complicated," as Johnny also wrote. I could write a lot about this. Yet, it would be truly a lot of info. It's best for your s/o to see a professional therapist. You may even talk together with a therapist and/or add some "family" talks, as well. It all depends upon the approach of the therapist and the needs of the situation.

You might continue to work on further building your relationship with the son and mom, while mom attends to this issue of boundaries. (I am guessing boundaries are also an issue in other areas of lives for mom and son.) If/when new boundaries are set, the son needs to fully understand he is truly loved and these boundaries are not rejection of him in any way.

I agree with Ravin, in that it's healthiest for you to take an approach of true interest in the health (on all levels) of each person and of the whole family, rather than having mom feel judged or criticized. I am sure mom has done her best, according to her own understanding and means well, wants the best for her child.

I urge you to identify your current feelings about this challenge. I don't think this child is trying to make you angry, as much as he is trying to feel loved and as secure as possible. However, this brings up feelings for you, including anger and understandably so. You are an adult and can deal with your feelings, as long as you can recognize them and catch them before they come out in a way you wish they hadn't. When examining your feelings, don't deny any feelings which may come up about your being a man and the man in the family. I cannot assume what you feel about this; I can encourage you to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings and recognize them for what they are (and are not). We don't have to act upon our feelings. It is helpful for us to acknowledge our feelings, and to observe them, process them, etc. How do you feel about your role within this family as it is; would you like a different role? It may be you are content with your role as it is. What does your s/o expect from you as far as your role in this family? It's important you both talk about this and get some clarification with one another. Gently.

The question of whether or not you and your s/o sleep together, and when, is something for the two of you to decide. This is not a decision handed to a child. If I was you, I would wonder why my s/o allows her child, as lovely as he may be, to determine this, even when she has already told him "no" as for sleeping in her bed. I wonder if, and how much, he may be used to distance you a bit?

Once again, Ravin gets creative and practical. Why not invite your s/o into your bedroom?

Would you like to sleep with your s/o more consistently? (A question for you, no need to answer here.)

You and your s/o already share a house/home, so it may be more difficult to negotiate this more inconsistent schedule of sharing a bed than if you had your own place. However, this inconsistency (in where you sleep) may also confuse the son about your role in the "family." I am guessing if he is asked to leave his mom's bed consistently, he will feel more secure with you being with mom more consistently than if you each sleep in your own sleeping quarters. Just a guess and I could be very wrong. Children thrive with consistency. Inconsistency can cause some anxiety, insecurity, etc.

I suspect there is some dynamic going on between you and your s/o that is also played out when the child is out of bounds. I cannot say more than this. Children are often used to assist in this way, often unconsciously. The therapist idea is a healthy idea, for many different reasons.

You have stated this relationship is very important to you.

Great! I wish you and your "family" the very best!

Hope to see you around!

Warmly, Brad

[Guest aadenr]

Thank you all so much for the reply. I've been thinking a lot of about what all of you have said. And good to hear from you Brad. You really had influence on me when I was at the very beginning of this relationship.

And honestly, I think he sees me as a threat. He doesn't necessarily like me or dislike me. I think that his mom is really affecting this relationship by not telling him straight up, that we are together. I feel like we are playing a game with him by not telling him, and while I understand her concerns for not telling him, I think its doing more harm than good.

Now when he sees some of my things in her room, he'll just grab it and throw it in my room. So it's really just progressing, since he is "fighting" this relationship. I'm not sure what I can do expect ignore the behavior? Since there isn't much I can do since we haven't verbally told him that we are together.

Plus, I hate fighting and would like to avoid as many fights as I can as possible. The whole idea of sleeping in my room; at the beginning of our relationship she would sneak in my room sometimes while he was in her bed but my bed is a twin size bed, and its more uncomfortable than comfortable. So she stopped after only a couple times.

I really feel like all I can do at this point is just go with the flow and wait it out. Until either she gets fed up with the behavior or he grows out of it. I rather not get in between a mother and child because I will always lose.