A second coming out... lesbian

[Charlize]

I was sitting in a waiting room the other day having a chat with a nice gentleman as i waited for some repairs to be done. At one point he asked me about what my husband thought of something. Oops, i'm trying to be honest but there are times when saying i'm trans just doesn't work. If i say that i have a wife then while it may be accepted it means i'm a lesbian. It struck me the other day when i was at a meeting for GLBT individuals that i was almost afraid of people's reactions to my being gay. I had never thought of that but now in so many ways i am. Legally and more and more physically. Mmmm time to come out again i guess. I do have a wife and not a husband. Why should i hide that? I certainly can't hide when folks come to the farm and meet the two of us. I'll have to get used to a new type of coming out.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Lelia VA]

I've come to the same realization, Charlize. It was a bit of a surprise but it made sense as I thought about it. So I am proud to be trans and lesbian! It is who I am.

[VickySGV]

I am not sure even why the Lesbian title is necessary, but then again, not having some designation does tend to make folks nervous. My circuits on the whole subject are shorting out, and I don't even give flute. Yeah, Love is Love, is Love!!

[Guest April Kristie]

For us it is my spouse, to heck with the gender posturing. And the labels! Again it's how you feel inside, and the expression of that feeling.

[Ravin]

The one time when identifying as pansexual my whole adult life actually seems stable.

[Guest sydney]

Yes that was my wife's issue when I came out, she had the come out. (She was already bisexual.) She had not been out to her parents yet who are not religious, but a little conservative. They have accepted it now. Even though we live in NJ where gay marriage is legal, there are times when we see others notice us when we hold hands. (Depending on where in NJ we are.) The other day we out and drove by an open house for sale. We went in, and there were to other couples and us, the token lesbian couple. No issues, but when we left, I said, well that was out first looking at a house as a lesbian couple. My wife replied: "We've always been a lesbian couple, we just didn't realize it!" She was right.

A few months ago right after I starting full time, we were at a conference in FL (showing off out software for the air cargo industry) and we both got hit on. (My wife never changed her last name so we have different last names.) We just played it safe. I lost my voice the last day and several attendees made comments how my husband might like the lack of talking (in a joking way.) I just nod an went along with it since there were a lot of golf playing republicans in the conference.

[Guest Jo-88]

... I just nod an went along with it since there were a lot of golf playing republicans in the conference...

I approved your post and when I saw this I cracked up!! Funny I had to say something... ok sorry, nothing to see here folks... everyone please carry on! *whistle whistle*

[Cyndee]

I do have a wife and not a husband. Why should i hide that?

Exactly, my thoughts. I had a slight hesitation the other day when referring to my wife in conversations with co-workers. She is the love of my life, and she's my wife.

Cyndi -

[tracy_j]

Pansexual used to be a strange word and bisexual rather daring but these days boyfriend?, girlfriend? - just friend sounds good. Maybe pansexual is close to the mark. I am happy to take things as they come and as long as I am happy would not be worried. Having technically a partner rather than wife makes it slightly easier but if someone asks I would still think perhaps.

Tracy

[Ravin]

Pansexual used to be a strange word and bisexual rather daring but these days boyfriend?, girlfriend? - just friend sounds good. Maybe pansexual is close to the mark. I am happy to take things as they come and as long as I am happy would not be worried. Having technically a partner rather than wife makes it slightly easier but if someone asks I would still think perhaps.

Tracy

I used to just say "bisexual" but when I learned the term "pansexual" it fit better because I develop attractions to people as people, not for their particular gender, sex, or physical type.

[Guest Cyd]

As I've begun this journey of self-discovery that tells me I might actually be a heterosexual man (rather than a lesbian woman) after all these years, it really helps me to keep in mind something I read in Kate Bornstein's Gender Outlaw. My paraphrase: Gender and sexuality overlap and blur around the phenomenon of desire. That has really helped me when I've felt frustrated by my wife's very black-and-white thinking, which is "I'm a lesbian, therefore my wife MUST be a lesbian." But "lesbian," like other very specific sexuality labels, is limiting, especially for people who transition within a relationship--because changing one person's gender identity has the genuine potential for throwing former sexuality identities out the window. I like the broader words such as pansexual or, as a good friend of mine calls herself, omnisexual, which allow for the very real possibility of falling in love with people for who they are, not for their body parts or sexual classifications. Or even better: sapiosexual, a person attracted to intelligence.

The root problem is that gender is defined by who I am, while sexuality is defined by who I am attracted to. Apples and oranges. Thanks for the thought-provoking post, Charlize.

[Guest LizMarie]

Labels should help us, not hinder us.