What does it matter?

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

I want to rant a little, to sort my thoughts out a bit, but I hope not to offend anyone.

I feel like this thing is huge, this newly found interest in cross-dressing and me thinking I might be happier if I was a girl, but somehow I don’t see how it changes anything.

It has no effects on my career. Unless it becomes known that I am a cross-dresser or I need to transition entirely, in which case it just makes it harder to get a job.

It has no effects on my social life, unless I make it public and it pushes some friends away and turns family members against me.

If I keep it to myself for the periods when and if I can dress up, am I putting on the act or is the act the moment I go back to being me? In either case if it is just an act it is pointless I think.

I have read that in some cases it has an effect on how happy the person is and how confident they are and then they enjoy life a bit more but there is nothing I can do then that I cannot do now. Okay all good and well, it’s not socially acceptable for a guy to march around, swaying hips, with a mini skirt or bikini nor go shoe shopping for heels or grow long hair, but it isn’t impossible.

Physically looking like you want to look would be nice but only for a brief moment? When you make it permanent, it also becomes normal after a while, just another part of your life, so does that make an actual difference long term?

I am not saying I don’t feel the term “transgendered” describes me somehow or that I do not want to rather be a girl but I cannot rationalise it.

I am me. I enjoy what I enjoy, and my hobbies are mine. I chose my friends and I have the power to decide where I go with my future. How does gender factor into this? Why does it feel like a defining factor in life?

If the social aspect is easier, doing what you want to do and expressing yourself as a female, and it being acceptable because you look like or are a women, if you permanently change so you are happy with how you look, how does that actually change your life? Or is it as easy as that being the effects of the change? Do you accept and embrace it so you can be happy with yourself?

If you feel this is part of you, and you are happy with it, why do you keep it hidden, how do you keep it hidden, if then it changes nothing? If you keep it to yourself and hide it, can it still make a difference?

I apologise for the ranting, questioning, and probably very silly sounding and long post, I just feel terribly confused.

[Charlize]

Actually one of the things i like is that that my dressing and being myself is "normal" now. When i dressed and had to change back i found only a window through which i could see my desire but could never go there. I have found a peace with myself and an acceptance of who i am. The changes that have come with transition are at times quite subtle. I still work the farm, move bales of hay, drive a tractor or dump truck, and run the sawmill as needed. The difference is that i'm me now and being open and honest about who that is. The excitement that fear and a unique experience can give is gone and it has been replaced by a simple comfort with my gender, my self and my life.

We are all different and for you dressing at times may be enough. For years that was good for me as well. Many find that is always enough. We are all on different paths and a Gender therapist is often our bet chance of understanding ours.

Hugs,

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Hi Lyn

I know how you feel a little but one thing I have learned here that everyone is different and their paths however similar are different!

With myself I have no real issue with my body, dressing or anything else. The issues come more relative to society. It is not good to hide things away. It creates stress, worry etc and will be harmful to health. I have felt a lot better since being more open about things.

As Charlize said - a gender therapist is a great help with sorting things out. I say that but I do not have one, but even though I do not generally feel confused or anything, I can see it happening sometime.

Tracy

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

I am currently seeing a therapist which I started seeing before I found a gender therapist sort of close to my area, so I will see what comes from her helping me, but I think she is competent enough to help.

I just don't know what to do with the cross-dressing. My will to dress sort of dipped, fortunately as I presently have no opportunities to really get dressed, but I still think about it and plan finances for clothes and think on how I would act in certain situations (or try to) if I were a girl. I jump between thinking I am really just being a fool and this doesn't make sense, and being almost happy to think of these things and feeling as if I know what I want. I focus on how feminine I feel or think I am and then end up arguing the opposite to invalidate that.

I don't know what to do with this entire concept, how gender has an effect on my future or present me and I don't entirely understand why I still want to be and think being a woman would make my life any better, even if only during those times I cross-dress.

Though not having to hide when I wear a dress or have to explain why I attempt to sway my hips when walking or acting in a non-male fashion, and not having to lie and think of cover stories for being yourself would probably be easier and healthier for your psyche. If it became normal and you become calm that would probably be overall better. My ranting here doesn't make sense but the thoughts are sort of making more sense.

Thank you

Lyn

[Ravin]

Lyn, you do make some sense. It's okay to be in a muddled spot. Asking yourself these questions is the first step to finding the right answers for YOU. Write them down, and take it to your therapist as discussion points.

It's true that sorting out one's gender won't solve all one's problems. It might solve some but also create new ones. In the balance, part time dressing might bring enough happiness and relief that the balance against secrecy and fear of rejection weighs in favor of dressing-- or not. For some, that means the best alternative is to go full time and lose the secrecy, for others that means the best option is to pack it in. It all depends on what you, individually, ate willing to lose or hope to gain. It's a very personal calculus.

[Guest LizMarie]

I agree with Ravin, and frankly, I suspect that a lot of us went through periods of confusion trying to figure things out.

Regardless of which side of the gender divide you end up on, discovering yourself and becoming comfortable with yourself is necessary, so go with it! You may find that cross dressing was a phase and once its gone, for you its gone. Or maybe not. Or maybe something else entirely. My only advice is to be open to yourself. Don't stifle the inner voice. Listen and discover who you really are and then enjoy being whoever you really are.

[Carolyn Marie]

You ask "what does it matter?" The answer is, it may not matter at all. If you are happy as things are, then there is nothing further you should do. If you find you have a need to cross dress on occasion, for whatever reason, then do so if you can. If you are not happy, then you need to figure out, possibly with the help of a therapist, what it is that makes you unhappy, and what you can do about it.

What matters will differ with every person, hon. There is no "right" answer that fits everyone. It mattered a lot to me to socially transition, but it didn't matter as much to have GRS. The next person might be the exact opposite.

Please keep working with your therapist, and if you need to, a gender therapist. They can be a huge help in figuring things out.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

Thank you all very much. I just don't completely understand. I know I should be patient and figure it out and experiment and discover more but there are just days when I notice how much I am thinking about this and I almost feel obsessed, that's when I get impatient and want to sort it out then and there so it doesn't take up so much of my mental capacity and time.

Love

Lyn

[Guest JackieMichelle]

I feel obsessed too, working and living as a man when I have to has always felt like I was merely a puppeteer to this body moving it through a sort of nightmare. Since I have came out to my wife and some of my family, I have found love and places that I can just be me. It confuses me as to how freeing and relaxing it is to let myself dress a certain way and act like I feel. One day I know I want to fully transition, due to my job situation it will be a while. For now I am content with dressing every now and again around the house. All I do is relax in a pair of jeans a nice shirt, change my hair up, and relax. I am not sure where I was going with this post. I guess to say I too get confused as to why it matters so much, but have to much fear of loosing my job over being trans and spend so much time being the manly character I have worked years to create that even a few moments make it all worth it. One day, it won't matter and everyone will just be accepted.