What's Been Going On

[Guest Quinn]

So I took a sort of unexpected short break from these forums for a while...at least from posting in them. In that time, a few things have happened, so I figured I'd share and whatnot.

I had another annoying conversation with my father last week that somewhat cemented the fact in my head that he is not ever going to be supporting of this. He uses a very doom and gloom no-one-will-ever-support-you, your-friends-will-all-end-up-deserting-you, this-is-against-nature approach, which of course has me sitting there not saying anything as I count the many stupid things he says. He fully thinks I can live happily as I am, seems to think it highly matters that I'll always biologically be female, thus I'll just be pretending to be something I'm not, doesn't think I act like a guy at all (not that he'd be biased, eh?) and you know. All that fun stuff.

So after that conversation, I got all mad and wrote this big huffy email. This is a mistake, to work in the heat of anger. Anyways, I sent it to my mom. Let's just say I made a stupid assumption - the assumption that if my dad spoke to me about something, it had to have been premeditated with and in agreement with my mom. Either way, my mom was upset by it and that turned into me and her having a few hour conversation, where I apologized a lot and, though some of it was a bit aggressive or angry (rightfully so seeing as I'd wrongfully accused her of many things that I really just thought of my dad) I think it opened communication better than before. She really has helped me a lot - she's the one who lets me cut my hair, buys me guy clothing if I really want, and such. She's not 100% accepting, but...she still didn't deserve that email. It was my dad I was angry at, after all. I was being an angry and impatient teenager - sometimes when I get angry, I see some of the people around here who's parents instantly started calling them the right name and pronouns, got them a therapist and hormones ASAP, etc...and I just get envious. Y'know. "Why can't I have that?" And only afterward do I realize that hey, I may not have that, but I haven't gotten kicked out, either...unfortunately, this time I was too late and I'd already sent the email.

Either way, my mom told me that when she first read it and got upset, she sent it to my two oldest (we're talking aged 35 and 39) sisters, Tracy and Leila, because they're her best friends, she tells them stuff, she was upset, etc. At first I was...completely and utterly unwilling to breathe. Tracy and Leila are two people I respect more than anything, and I love them a lot and even though they were sort of informed of this before, I'd never spoken to them about it. Needless to say, this was not the way I wanted it to be pushed out into the open - in a display of selfish anger. But...I bit my tongue and waited. Leila, the younger of the two, emailed me back telling me to please read it all and that she loved me, she just wrote it right after reading my email to mom and was passionate and angry and stuff. So, I read it and yeah, it was angry, and had lots of exclamation marks and stuff. But I emailed her back, apologizing for how I was in that letter, explaining but not excusing my behavior by saying how I'd done it in the heat of anger, and all that. She emailed me back this:

"Thanks for reading and replying. I have know idea how to help you but I am willing to try if given the chance you are just such an amazing person that I hate everything being about your gender. I obviously have nooooo idea what you are going through but maybe now that it’s out in the open between us we can talk about it. Not that I have any back ground in the area but I do have back ground in being your sister. Craig [[her husband]] does not know anything about this; he simply thinks you are a lesbian. (Which doesn’t bother him in the least.) He isn’t ready for this. I guess no one is, even you. My real intentions of the last email (which you may have received 100 times because I am an idiot with the computer sometimes) was to just let you know if you do things “right” and when you can you may not lose anyone who loves you. My heart really is broken over your pain! I balled my eyes out when mom told me how you feel about yourself. I want you to love yourself as much as I do and everyone else does. You may also want to talk/ email my friend Anna, she specializes in this kind of thing and obviously has a more open mind than me about the issue. I just want you to love and respect you no matter what sex you are. Please don’t shut me out because I say what I feel. That is one of my worst and best qualities (just like you)! Hang in there and be the SMART, KIND person that you are. I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Love Leila"

So...I was pretty ecstatic upon reading that email. Because it gave me a lot of hope. A lot. Out of Tracy and Leila, Tracy is the more sympathetic one - Leila is the harder nut to crack. So hearing from her that she wants to try and help if she just learns how, is willing to talk about it, wants to love and respect me regardless of sex or gender, and thinks there will be hope in not losing everyone...is a big help. It really made me feel a lot better, and a lot more hopeful. I haven't spoken to Tracy about it yet, and I still have three other sisters and a laaaarge family to go...but hearing this from Lei was nice.

What do you guys think from reading the email - does it sound like she might be willing to try from your point of view? Just wanna make sure I'm not reading it wrong or something. xD

Oh, and of course, I'm gonna add a couple more recent pictures of myself, see what you all think of the short lil' pre-everything lad, heh.

Thanks for readin' and stuff.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hi Quinn, I'm going to have to make this relatively short because I'm supposed to be working on writing a book chapter, not surfing the net. Interestingly enough, the chapter is related to Internet use. Ha!

That's awesome your sister is being supportive! Sometimes we find out new and interesting thing about people through the coming out process. You can never really tell how people will react. In my case, I found that my own sister was much cooler than I'd thought. Good stuff.

It sounds like things are a little tough on the parental front. The only advice I can give is to be consistent with what you are telling them (which it sounds like you are). Stick to your guns. I think they'll begin to understand if you give them some time. Parents seem to take longer to adjust than other people. My mom has said the same stuff to me that your family was saying (except for the "everyone will abandon you" part). I think it's part of the rationalization process. My mom felt responsible and guilty for my gender struggles, so she went through this process of trying to locate every disconfirming piece of evidence she could, while ignoring the massive amounts of confirming evidence that were staring her in the face. After a while, she quit with all that. I'm not sure what stage of acceptance she is in now, but there was definitely a period of mourning. She felt like her child was dying. What she didn't realize is that the person she knew was mostly just a facade and that the real me was dying, she just couldn't see it.

My dad was a totally different story. He was just like "That's weird, but okay. I'll deal.". That was pretty much the end of it.

I think it sounds like your sister is totally willing to be supportive. Having her advocate for you will probably help your parents accept things. Maybe she can act as a kind of mediator between you and your parents.

Now support for therapists and hormones is a whole different deal. Your parents might never be willing to help with that stuff. I just can't say. Only time will tell.

Well, good luck and congrats on finding a supporter. I bet your sister will be the first of many who support you. Hang in there!

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Quinn,

I am sorry, but your father is clearly someone who sees only what he wants to see. I know this all too well! I grew up in a family where men were men and women were women and that was it!!! Keep on truckin'. You are on the right path. Some families are understanding, and some others are not. Yours and mine are clearly of the latter. But we still love them don't we? For my story, all I can say, is after eons of denial, I finally came out to who I am. It looks like you have had the courage at a much younger age than I to did to do the same thing. You are still so very young and you are already this strong. You will be definitely very OK as you evolve into adulthood!!! Surprisingly as it sounds, you are so centered it is inspiring. Be, and be happy. You will so clearly be who you are.

xox

bernie

[Sally]

It looks as though your only true opposition is your father.

You are not reading anything into the E-mail from your sister, she is willing to support you and wants to try to understand.

I know that it is hard - believe me - but it is not impossible, never let yourself think that.

Keep working on it and things will get better.

Maybe with the whole family behind you your father will give in to 'peer pressure'.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest leo]

your sis seems way cool.

i came out to my parents it didnt go brilliant

and now like a lot of things they dont agree with, its just unspoken of unless they they have thought of an argument to go against me

but in the end you gotta do whats best for you

no1 can live the way there parents want them 2

[Guest Evan_J]

Remember what you said about "people who have these awesome families....accept them....blah blah"? Your sister just gave you that. No, she's not standin at your hip with a needle of T, but you got the love and she told you so and that is the most important part.

Oh, and Leo, stop using numbers instead of words lol -drives old people crazy.