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Another Noob

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi

I've been a MTF crossdresser (among other unusual proclivities) since before adolescence. I hid it from everyone, including my wife until she caught me (in our twenties). While she tried to be a part of it and encourage me, I couldn't deal with it. She tried hard, but I just couldn't. I always felt like crap. The idea of dressing in front of another person was just too humiliating. I threw away my 'stuff' many times and promised myself, no more. Until the 'next time' that I couldn't fight it any longer. Vicious circle. Around a year ago I forced myself to come to terms with it and invited my loving wife into 'my world'. The most DIFFICULT thing I ever did (still a bit tough, but I'm working through it). My wife gave my female persona the name, Fiona (the name is a story for another time).

I was quite shocked because not only was she more than understanding and supportive, but she seemed to be 'into it'. She started buying me 'pretty things' and it's become a positive part of OUR life. Our daughter and her husband (and their kid) lived with us so we were limited in our small home. We went away to hotels for our 'us time'. She encouraged me to be me. Made me buy breast forms rather than using socks and really supported me (she HATED the socks routine). Long story/short, I'm happier than ever and we're closer than ever. There were many long talks that made the point that she wasn't a lesbian (loving a guy that liked to dress as a women) and that I wasn't gay because while I liked to 'dress', I wasn't into guys and therefore not gay. (I was realizing how complex the really is).

She encouraged me to search out forums and I discovered that I'm not the freak I thought I was; that this is far more common than I imagined. I'm likely to always be a closet CD because I don't think I could ever 'pass'. And because of that, I can't imagine shaving my facial hair and all the other things required to 'pass'. My male persona is quite masculine, so I think I'm destined for the closet. While a part of me would like to 'pass', it;s not a priority and my wife has stated that it would be very difficult for her to deal with it to that extent. One day at a time........

In any case, I'm a bit of an enigma in many ways. I'm an electrical engineer (professional persona) and a life long biker who has been in motorcycle clubs (the antithesis of my career) (first serious contradiction) and also a MTF CD (second serious contradiction). So basically, my life is a mess. LOL.

I'm currently on an international business trip (fourth LONG trip in the last six months) and the kid and her family moved out (while I'm out of the country) and am anxious to get home so that I can 'be my self', and ourselves.

My wife found this site and sent it to me for the support I need. I hope to make this forum a new home for my alternate persona. I hope to learn from others and help others in the same predicament that I spent most of my life fighting...

-Fiona

Edited by Carolyn Marie
Text concerning Moderator actions deleted, per Rules 9 & 13
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Guest LizMarie

Guest LizMarie

Posted
Posted

Your life is not a mess. Different people like different things! And there is nothing wrong with being a cross dresser who happens to also be a biker. :)

I see no messy contradictions here, except in your own self-imposed guilt. Let it go! Trust your wife in this. Be yourself, enjoy your relationship with your wife, enjoy your career, enjoy your hobbies. No one said we had to all like certain things to be "right". You just be you and be happy. :)

Oh! As an addendum, I know a transsexual woman who has fully transitioned, who is a liberal feminist activist, and she still rides her Harley every weekend when the weather is suitable. :)

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Carolyn Marie Platinum Member

Carolyn Marie

Posted
  • Admin
Posted

Welcome to the Playground, Fiona. I hope you find what you need here in terms of support and resources. I'm happy to hear that your wife has been so supportive. That is a rare and wonderful thing.

Please look around the site and post questions or comments wherever you like. We do ask our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as they help us keep the site safe. A link can be found on the lower right corner of every page.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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MaryEllen Gold Member

MaryEllen

Posted
  • Root Admin
Posted

Hello Fiona,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. :)

MaryEllen

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tracy_j Palladium Member

tracy_j

Posted
  • Forum Moderator
Posted

Hi Fiona :)

Welcome!

I cannot see a mess - just another version of life. It sounds good to me - supportive wife - I suspect many would wish for that.

Stay around! Read a bit and talk. Your confidence will grow.

(All this talk about bikes makes me want to get mine back on the road again - there are others here - just look around)

Tracy x

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Guest Cyd

Guest Cyd

Posted
Posted

Welcome, Fiona! This is a wonderful place, full of supportive friends who understand. I'm glad you've landed here.

I'm a FT?, identified as lesbian for years, and am discovering that the more "male-ish" I dress and behave, the more "me" I feel. You are so blessed to have a wife who understands and encourages you to express yourself. My wife is, unfortunately, totally skeeved out by any non-binary gender identity (among other things...she "skeevs" easily), so other than some wardrobe choices that are subtle enough to be read as just another butch lesbian, I don't have the freedom to totally BE my whole self. So treasure that wonderful woman you're married to--she is a gift.

Peace,

Cyd

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Charlize Rhodium Member

Charlize

Posted
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Posted

I am one who certainly can throw no stones in your direction. I dressed for years and hid. Got on my bike and road to work in construction on the rare occasions i didn't need a truckload of lumber or tools. When i was in my office doing design work i'd put a skirt on when no one could see me. My bike has been put up for a few years now. It's a 67 BMW r-50 a classic and beautiful condition. It needs tires and some work and i'm hoping to get her back on the road next year. I can't wait to wear a cute set of women's leather pants, heels, long scarf and a short black skirt with my jacket. Pity the poor boys. I'm sure some jaws will drop when this old girl takes her helmet off.

My wife never supported me when i dressed. Fortunately she is still with me now that i've transitioned.

Welcome to Laura's.

Hugs,

Charlize

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Guest miss kindheart

Guest miss kindheart

Posted
Posted

Hi Fiona,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)
We all look forward to seeing you.
:wub: vanna

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Guest Fiona

Guest Fiona

Posted
Posted

Thanks miss kindheart. Actually, I do use the chat and one of the mods told me about the forum. Because of my current time zone, being 16 hours ahead, people in the states aren't likely to see me in there. I should be coming home in a week or so.....

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