What to do?

[Guest Alexisyoi]

I am physically female but I have gone through a gender investigation and they declared me transsexual which I knew. I have undergone top surgery and I am glad I did because I have always been terribly uncomfortable with having a female chest and it has bothered me since I got into puberty. I also take male testosterone, the gel kind. I feel comfortable being called male and him but nowadays I feel somewhat torn too. I feel that I cannot live up to everyone's expectations of what I should be like as a male and what I should like. I have even started to feel sometimes that I want to wear feminine clothing again. It is like, when the chest was gone, all my troubles went away. I still feel male but.. I feel sort of female too. Not so much that I'd define myself as one but I have female sides and likes etc. that I don't want to let go of. I am thinking that I may be gender queer but it feels like I can't tell anyone that because I have gone through so much trouble to get everyone on board with me being male already.

Honestly, I think that I have always known that I am a bit of both. More male but still, a bit of both. I want to keep my freedom to wear feminine clothes when I like and my usual clothes when I like. I am androgynous and I don't really want to be defined. It feels like now that I suddenly wear the label male, I have just gone from one extreme to the other when I really belong somewhere floating in the middle. I don't want to have any pressure on me to be one or the other but I don't want to be questioned about my desire to be called him and male.

I love children and lately I have been even more into the idea of getting pregnant as this is the best way for me to have a child. Adoption as a guy is hard, and I am a bit scared to use a surrogate. I also am completely and utterly fascinated by the idea of carrying a child, feeling it move and kick and all that. My family see gender and sex as something black and white. Either I am male or I am female. I have said that I am not female, ergo I am male and as a male I am not allowed to get pregnant nor do feminine things. They don't understand and I don't want to lose them...

What should I do? I just want to be allowed to think this through and to have the freedom to be me, no labels and no restrictions, you know?

[JJ]

We have usually had years of socialization that often has an impact on us lifelong. Not a bad or good thing necessarily if we accept it in ourselves. I have also seen several articles that postulate that the opposite sex hormones in large quantities that our brains are subjected to from puberty forward at the least and the lack of the hormnes our brains are structured for causes-or may cause because really no one knows for sure yet-some additional wiring in our brains. We are significantly more intelligent according to the testing and studies that have been done-one study found a 30 point difference in us and the general population and another a 40 point difference and it has been postulated that is due to the brain being forced to add connections to handle the hormone inbalnce that actually can exist from birth because we do produce hormones even prior to puberty. However it is all really speculation because there just hasn't been enough reseaarch done. We are too small a population to drive much research and it is only the the last few years we have even been able to study the structures of living brains and realize just how different men and women are as well as the fact that we have the brains of thee gender we identify with.

I think those other connections can affect how we process and see the world. That most if not all of us are to some extent mixed. Though the gender we identify with is dominant . After all the repression and denial we often-even usually -feel more binary at first after transition but in time as we adjust and live our roles the other part of us reasserts itself. But we are also highly individual and all of this is exceedingly complex. What is true for me may be different -will be actually-from me.

My advise would be to embrace yourself as you are and find the balance that fullfills you. With transmen it can be a bit more challenging because of the current norms of male behavior. A woman who needs or want to engage in culturally male behavior to some extent is accapted. A male wanting to indulge his feminine side can face more societal condemation and challenges.

That said it is changing and finding people who are comfortable with mixed or fluid gender expression can make all the difference. And there are many men who are now celebrating getting in touch with their feminine side-even being vocal and open about it.

If it bothers you and you want help about what works best for you I'd recommend seeing a gender therapist. It won't invalidate who you are-just help you find out what woks best for you

Johnny

[Guest LizMarie]

Gender authenticity is a concept that is poorly understood, even within the trans community.

[tracy_j]

It is said in places that everyone is a mix of male and female and I personally believe it to be true. In my case Alex I would agree very much with what you are saying!

I have no plans for transition and surgery is very unlikely. Maybe hormones, maybe not. I tend to float about pretty much in the middle of things. Somewhat male when tinkering with the car. Liking to look pretty in a nice dress. Not really caring at all whether I am called he or she (in fact the saying 'androgyne people dress to confuse' maybe describes me well lol).

I think it is something very few people will understand but I must admit that so far I have found people perhaps more accepting than I would have thought.

I would suggest though that if you have any desire at all to become pregnant then do not dismiss lightly as it iimplies the main reason for being on this earth. It is the one thing that would make me seriously consider transition to being a full woman (even though now I'm too old and it's impossible anyway). I would love the experience from the female side. I would go through it again if I could as I am (I have a son).

Tracy

[Guest Kendall]

Thomas Beatie born female, identifies as a transgender man, a male, had a baby a couple years ago because his partner is infertile. All the headlines said " Pregnant Man".

[Guest Alexisyoi]

Hi Alex,

I do understand. Your statement, "I am not female ergo I am male" sums up a quandary that I feel frequently, that of being neither gender.

For the first few years after transition, I was pushing to the ultra feminine, mostly because I'd never been able to do that before. But, the whole time, I knew that wasn't my final destination. And, like you, surgery took care of most of my problems. Lately, I've been enjoying a more muted feminine presentation, that, in combination with my male features is more androgynous. It feels right to me, it feels like I can express myself more completely.

In my age group, a trans-person is a difficult thing for most people to grasp. And someone who is in-between is perhaps unfathomable. For that reason, I continue to present female. In my heart, however, not 100%.

To answer your questions, perhaps consider it like a second transition. Think of the steps that you took the first time, and whether you need to make a full transition to Androgyne, or just express some gender freedom? Can you take small steps that might be helpful to you and still not disturb your peers?

I wish you all the best! And, please, do stay in touch!

Love, Megan

It is said in places that everyone is a mix of male and female and I personally believe it to be true. In my case Alex I would agree very much with what you are saying!

I have no plans for transition and surgery is very unlikely. Maybe hormones, maybe not. I tend to float about pretty much in the middle of things. Somewhat male when tinkering with the car. Liking to look pretty in a nice dress. Not really caring at all whether I am called he or she (in fact the saying 'androgyne people dress to confuse' maybe describes me well lol).

I think it is something very few people will understand but I must admit that so far I have found people perhaps more accepting than I would have thought.

I would suggest though that if you have any desire at all to become pregnant then do not dismiss lightly as it iimplies the main reason for being on this earth. It is the one thing that would make me seriously consider transition to being a full woman (even though now I'm too old and it's impossible anyway). I would love the experience from the female side. I would go through it again if I could as I am (I have a son).

Tracy

I was just on a week long trip with my family and I was constantly called words that one would call a young boy. "Little guy", "son", "kid" etc. In Swedish there are a lot of them and they are more male oriented than in English. Anyway, it just felt weird. Basically, whether I am referred to as him or her doesn't bother me much anymore but being called something firmer, with that little wiggle room bothers me. To me, before transitioning I was standing on a mountain. The female mountain. I didn't think I was from that mountain and I didn't feel like I belonged there. Naturally I thought I belonged to the other mountain; the male mountain. However now I see that it merely ended up to be me going from one extreme to another. In truth, rather than being on either of the mountains, I feel like I am the wind or the river going in between them. To me, that sums myself up pretty nicely. But to explain that to someone else, like someone in my family... That is like trying to explain University level math to a five year old. It feels like, I am fine with not being quite able to label and define myself because in my heart, I don't think gender matters. It has never mattered to me, not even when I was a kid, and I still feel that it is such a small matter when it comes to getting to know someone, friend, family or otherwise. Maybe it is like my pansexuality is showing itself in my gender presentation a bit as well, I don't know. All I know is that I hate being told what to be, what to feel, what to like and how to act. I like what I like and I am simply me. I don't expect anyone else to change who they are according to my tune so why does everyone around me try their best to force me? I like female things, like perhaps dressing up occasionally or putting on makeup occasionally. If it is because I want to and because I feel like it. I don't want to feel the pressure to do it daily. I often think like a man but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be able to express myself however I want to and be as sensitive as I want to. I just feel that out of all the terms I have tried describe myself with, androgynous is the one that has ALWAYS fit like the hand in the glove. Like, wearing a skirt and make up one day and a suit and boots the other day is fine.

Does one really need to define oneself further than being androgynous? :/ I happen to think androgyny is awesome and incredibly attractive.

During this trip I just came home from, I found myself looking longingly towards female clothes and it hurt when they told me straight out that I can't wear them, I can't like them because I am male, end of story. But I wasn't born male or female, sex wise sure I was but mentally I mean. So shouldn't whatever I feel like I am be up to me to feel? Not them. I am even starting to accept myself as well as my female body and love it regardless which to me is a great thing since I have hated myself for the longest time. Remaining unclear is fine to me right now I think. I just hope I can find the courage to explain that to them... Family and friends are difficult as heck to explain these things to. Strangers I do fine with. Damn.. gender is one complicated matter.

And yeah I am pretty darn sure I want to experience pregnancy. =)

Thanks for great responses. xoxo

Alexis

[Guest KatyDesire]

It gets really confusing sometimes. Its hard to live somewhere along the spectrum, when society wants one to be firmly at either end. Unfortunately, nothing in life is either/or. Even for the people out there who try to convince themselves and us that it is. My theory is that often they are uncomfortable with their own blurred gender identity, and so want to reassure themselves by insisting that everyone else is clearly one or the other.

Now let me confuse you - why should I be the only one to be confused?: I am genetically male. A few years ago I was becoming more and more listless and tired - couldn't make it through the day. Did some tests, and found low testosterone. So I did what you won't often see on this website - a genetic male who went onto testosterone!

I started feeling much better. And my cross-dressing need was more than before!!! One day I might understand it all. In the meantime, I am doing my best to learn just to enjoy it - I have suffered with it long enough, and now I want some pleasure out of it.

On the other hand, I am old enough that no one really expects me to have a full bag of marbles, and I have never followed the rules in anything anyhow. And being of a certain age, if people don't like what I do, then I refuse to make that my problem. They can learn to live with it, or go away. There are billions of people on this earth - I am not going to lose sleep over a bunch of bigots. There are far more important things to lose sleep over. Like making sure I don't run out of chocolate in the middle of my favourite TV series.

hugs all round.

[Guest Luce Moonbeam]

Self-expression almost always comes at a cost from others. My experiences might have similarities that can be reassuring. When I was young, I was often told "only girls do that" so I stopped whatever "that" was. Only recently have I started to come to terms with this. I'll use clothing as an example, since I know how frustrating it can be to be told how to dress, even as an adult, in my case. My older sister wears "guy pants" citing that they're more roomy and comfortable. She dislikes the tightness of "chick pants" as she calls them. Since the perception of my parents was that of utility, she carried on. My point is that some people try to rationalize concepts into neat boxes, and people like us aren't in boxes. While cliched, my advice is to focus on your self-acceptance for awhile. Once you have a foundation for your identity, it becomes much easier to deal with others.