Neither Here Nor There

[Guest Kati]

Maybe it's just me, but there are times I feel like I am in a state of limbo, hanging between two worlds: a male world and a female world. To a certain extent I have one foot in each camp (or world or sex or...), but don't really fit into either camp particularly well. Sometimes this middle ground can be exhilarating, but at other times it is simply unsettling and depressing. (It won't take a rocket scientist to figure out which end of the spectrum I'm on at the moment.) You can't help but ask yourself, "Who am I?" or perhaps even worse, "What am I?" and realize that I don't really have a good answer to either question. I have lived life long enough to realize that the idea that I am on the only who has ever felt this way is sheer nonsense. Hence the topic... Any thoughts anyone? Thanks for considering this message.

[Charlize]

Well it is certainly not you alone dear. I felt as you describe for years and still have times of wondering about who and what i am. I used to switch gender representation several times a day and it simply was too exhausting. When i finally allowed myself some peace things started to make a bit more sense. Some acceptance has come now and while i still wonder at the questions it is more of a philosophical issue than one of gender. Resolving the gender issues has allowed me the freedom to do some thought about other things as well. Finally obsession is going and life is returning to a sweet daily existence without as much exhilaration but with a great deal more love and peace.

Hugs,

Charlize

[tracy_j]

I live in that world constantly and recently have settled down and relaxed with who I am!

It is nice to just accept and enjoy life without worrying about fitting in. Being relaxed and fairly confident is a great help to living in society. I suppose I must seem strange to those around me but, at least at the moment, it seems to work. If anyone asks I just tell it as is it without trying to explain too much as that does not seem to work. I think in a more volatile situation I would have a lot of problems but then I would have anyway. Tone down the gender argument and you get the answer - you are a person - you are you! Everyone is different. Look around and really see people! You will see most everyone has some (what in isolation would or appear to be) strange behaviour or other issue which if you were the same you may be worried.

It is natural to question yourself. I, many others here - probably almost everyone does at times. That is one of our ways of helping planning our path through life.

Obviously I do not live in your shoes so cannot see your social issues but within obvious guidlines do not worry, just accept yourself and live!

Tracy x

[Guest Jamie61]

Hi Kati,

I seem to always have felt the need to present a few small feminine things... gestures, clothes, expressions or voice. Doing so seems to help me acknowledge my true self. It can create a little tension for those who know me. Now Im thinking about how to come out and present as a female, I hadn't done so since my pre and early teem years. So I identify with being in limbo and I know we're not alone.

More hugs!

Jamie

[Guest Kati]

Thank you all for your responses. It's comforting to know that there are people who understand even if our circumstances are probably quite different. I am in a better frame of mind today. I wish I could tell you and myself that all the dark days are over, but that would be unrealistic. There will undoubtedly be emotional up and downs. That's life. Thanks again for writing. I am grateful for your perspectives. Cheers, Kati

[gennee]

I know the feeling, Kati. In the beginning I was just trying to figure it all out. Then I found the balance with masculine and feminine. Some time later I decided that I wanted to be feminine. I dress more as a woman than as a man. I understand tat at times I have to dress in male mode but the balance I have helps me to cope. Deep inside I know that I am a woman.

Kati, most of us have been through this so your not alone. Enjoy the moment that you are in. Cherish them.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

In the three or so years I have been cross-dressing, I find I waver between feeling feminine, and not so much. Recently I have been feeling like I had made a mistake with all the cross-dressing and feminine feelings. Yet in our current hot weather, today I wanted very much to look out and pull out from my wardrobe two lovely white cotton summer dresses I had bought a year back, so they are ready to wear.

So, the feelings and interests are still there, if not currently to the fore. And yes, they are gorgeous dresses!

So I identify with what you say, Kati. It seems even when I do not feel particularly feminine, the passion is still there, surging inside me. I actually truly appreciate being like this because it is unique and I feel very separate and different to main stream men and women. This is me. It answers the long question of why I am the way I am, but it can also be very lonely. Which is why Laura's is so essential.

Eve

[Guest KatyDesire]

Eve,

If I were to write a reply, I would use exactly the same words you have. It's always comforting to know there are other people with the same issues, feelings, and responses.

Thank you Lauras!

[Guest]

Hi Kati,

I'm three years post-transition, HRT, etc... And still have days when I just don't feel feminine at all. I've become accustomed those occasional swings, and don't give it any heavy meaning. If I can, I'll go for an androgynous look, but if not, I just ignore it and move on.

I guess the main thing is to accept that you'll have times like that. But that you'll swing back as well. Neither is permanent, so don't go purging your femme stuff 'cause you'll just be wanting it back!

Love, Megan