Please, help me.

[Guest Merkid~]

To start off, I have been suffering from bulimia for a bit over a year now. Before that, I suffered from body dysphoria for the last 8 years trying to restrict (always wanting to lose weight since I was a kid) and developed anorexia unintentionally 3 years ago, and relapsed on and off with severe restricting. Since recovering last year, I developed bulimia and ate uncontrollably and became weight restored. I was a bulimic non-purging type (I compensated with running and diet pills) until November, then I started purging and exercising at the same time every time I kept on binging. Today, I am still suffering and trying my best to break this terrible cycle. I am 16 years old to this day.

My problem is that I am staying in my grandma's house in NJ for at least a month. No one in real life knows about my bulimia, and my dad is a skeptic about medical and therapeutic solutions and thinks my depression is a way to manipulate him into staying home. (I stay home due to self-esteem issues with my self-image ever since recovering) Let me just say that this is nothing related to my gender identity, as a matter of fact I am very flexible about my gender identity, so it no longer takes a big impact in my life anymore because I have come to accept myself. So of course, my dad thinks staying with my grandma will make me become more "out-going" and less "lazy" about wanting to go out and do things. (keep in mind he doesn't know about my new eating disorder and doesn't know that is the reason for everything, although my family did know about my anorexia in the past because I know that's hard to hide.)

My mom on the other hand, doesn't really comprehend me either and I guess you can stay that she takes my dads' side. But really throughout the whole situation, she just stays mute and I hate that. Now that I'm in NJ, I have to deal with going out everyday, getting little exercise, and the binge urges and the fact I can't compensate as much as I would like to - and it's driving me insane. This whole environmental change is driving me nuts and I have no idea how to get help considering I'm in NJ and I don't know who to go to since know one knows and my family is being stubborn. I'm mostly afraid of gaining any more weight because I know how suicidal I can get. I have never been overweight in my life and absolutely not looking forward to that. It is the reason for all my relapses, never was I capable of dealing with being an average weight or overweight.

My mom is overseas, and my dad is doing a study elsewhere. My brother is 22 and is home alone, so we're basically all separated. I have no idea how the hell am I going to cope with bulimia while being on vacation in NJ for a MONTH. I don't think I can do it. I was planning on recovering from this before I started school again, because when I'm at home I'm free to compensate from my binging but here I'm completely trapped. I am trying all I can to recover on my own but clearly this is a difficult disorder for me and I can't do it on my own.

As of now I'm completely in my own prison. Help...

[MaryEllen]

Would this be of help for you?

http://www.northjerseyioa.com/

[MaryEllen]

Or this one?

http://www.edreferral.com/support_groups_for_eating_disorders.htm#NewJersey

[Guest Merkid~]

Would this be of help for you?

http://www.northjerseyioa.com/

I would like to go, but my grandma doesn't know about my bulimia. She has no car, either. She always have to ask someone to take her somewhere. And if she did know, she would tell my dad. And my dad would get angry at me and think I'm being dramatic and a whole problematic situation would arise.

[MaryEllen]

How about this one?

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/youaremorethanwhatyouweigh/info

[Guest Merkid~]

How about this one?

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/youaremorethanwhatyouweigh/info

I don't think they're active anymore..?

[MaryEllen]

In lieu of any outside help can you self discipline yourself to eat normal portion meals? Try it. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day if that's what it takes. You'd be surprised by what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it. I'm well aware that it won't be easy but at least try. You've got nothing to lose. Talk with Remus and Stu or any chat mod in private if it gets to be too much for you.

MaryEllen

[Guest Merkid~]

In lieu of any outside help can you self discipline yourself to eat normal portion meals? Try it. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day if that's what it takes. You'd be surprised by what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it. I'm well aware that it won't be easy but at least try. You've got nothing to lose. Talk with Remus and Stu or any chat mod in private if it gets to be too much for you.

MaryEllen

Remus knows already, and I have tried. I've really tried, but sometimes even after a normal portion meal (usually made by my mom at home) I get urges to binge and sometimes I act on them, and other days when I get them I binge on fruit or vegetables instead. I'm trying as hard as I can, and everything, believe it or not. I'm running out of hope again. I even downloaded a self-advising app called "Before I Eat" and there's a computer mentor that supposedly helps me think twice about acting on my urges.

Really, I've tried so hard doing it all myself. I can't do it myself. I clearly can't.

[MaryEllen]

People have inner strengths that they don't know that they have. I'm betting that you have such a strength. If you give up, you will lose but if you really make an effort and fight these urges, you WILL win. It's up to you.

You really should tell this to your grandmother and parents. If they can see that you have a serious problem, I'm betting that they will get you the help you need. Since you can't do this alone, they will be your best source for help. I know it will be hard but you really should do it.

MaryEllen

[Guest Merkid~]

People have inner strengths that they don't know that they have. I'm betting that you have such a strength. If you give up, you will lose but if you really make an effort and fight these urges, you WILL win. It's up to you.

You really should tell this to your grandmother and parents. If they can see that you have a serious problem, I'm betting that they will get you the help you need. Since you can't do this alone, they will be your best source for help. I know it will be hard but you really should do it.

MaryEllen

Ugh...I am contemplating about that...but how do I go about it? How can I tell them without being rejected?

The thing I fear the most is them refusing to get help for me because my past sessions with therapists (with other problems) never helped in the first place...

[Ravin]

Merkid, if you tell your grandma and parents, there's a chance they'll help you get some professional help. If you don't, they definitely won't because they have no reason to. It's at least worth a try.

[MaryEllen]

Do your parents love you unconditionally? If they do, they will help you. If you can't bring yourself to a face to face meeting, try easing them into it by an email or letter letting them know that you have a serious problem and you need help. Unless they are totally clueless, they will help you.

In the event that they will not help you, is there anyone else you can talk to. A school counselor or pastor??

MaryEllen

[Guest Merkid~]

Thanks you both, and I'm in vacation right now. But I'm not sure if the administrator office offers help in guidance.

[MaryEllen]

You're welcome I do hope you'll consider the advice we've given you.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

[MaryEllen]

Just a thought. Could your eating disorder have anything to do with your gender questioning. If your parents would agree, would you be willing to counsel with a gender therapist?

MaryEllen

[Guest Merkid~]

Just a thought. Could your eating disorder have anything to do with your gender questioning. If your parents would agree, would you be willing to counsel with a gender therapist?

MaryEllen

I'm no longer questioning my gender. It is not related to my gender at all...I'm very flexible with being anatomically born female. I just have a fear of being overweight or normal weight, and I have had 2 gender therapists in the past to help me throughout it, but I ended up fixing that problem on my own.

[MaryEllen]

If you had the strength to take care of your gender issues, then you've got the strength to overcome this eating disorder as well. Please try. You've got nothing to lose.

MaryEllen

[Guest Merkid~]

If you had the strength to take care of your gender issues, then you've got the strength to overcome this eating disorder as well. Please try. You've got nothing to lose.

MaryEllen

That's true, though my GID was a lot more temporary then my ED, which was and still is a long term issue...

But you're right...I will try to confront my parents but not out with everything..yet. Thank you

[MaryEllen]

You're welcome. Before you talk to your parents, carefully think out what you're going to say to them. Write down notes if necessary. No doubt they will question you so be prepared to give answers. Impress upon them that you are not some silly twit acting on a whim. Let them know with all certainty that this is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

MaryEllen

[Guest Merkid~]

You're welcome. Before you talk to your parents, carefully think out what you're going to say to them. Write down notes if necessary. No doubt they will question you so be prepared to give answers. Impress upon them that you are not some silly twit acting on a whim. Let them know with all certainty that this is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

MaryEllen

Will do, thank you very much.

[MaryEllen]

You're welcome. Good luck

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Carrier foundation in Belle Meade NJ has an entire eating disorder unit. my wife worked there for 17 years. Please do reach out for professional help. The dangers of what you have become addicted to are real and life threatening. I wish there was something i could do as do many of us here but this may well require medical help.

Hugs and best wishes,

Charlize

[JJ]

Parents ultimately love their children and want what's best-but they are very human as well and sometimes act out of fear and insecurity themselves. If they accept that you have a problem they cannot cure themselves it brings both guilt and fear so they would rather deny than accept it. That is human nature. But I know in the long run they would be far more hurt and disappointed if the ED damaged your health which it will-both mental and physical.

Another thought for the future sometime is that the GD and ED may well be intertwined. GD is the result of a brain configuration and while you may have found a way to be at peace there is also a possibility that you have displaced the feelings. They don't go away really-and they don't just stop either. I know that I did for decades-and never knew how much till I transitioned. I had PTSD from a horrific car accident in which I witnessed the gruesome death of the person I loved most. Had full blown dis-associative flashbacks for 20 years and thought that much of my pain and sorrow in life was related to that. It came as a shock to find it had actually healed long ago but it was a substitute for the GD I feared and didn't want to handle more directly. Not a conscious decision. That may not be the case with you but I don't think at this point you can be sure. One thing GD can do is tell you on some level that you are not okay. Continually - that things are not as they should be and not right. And that can feed an ED. In fact EDs are not uncommon among us.

Not every therapist works out-it has to be a good fit and another therapist may work better when the need arises. But right now the top priority is to get the ED treated.

Please let us know how it works out. Many here do understand the battle you fight and we are all here to listen.

Johnny

[Guest GraceE]

I get mixed up my relationship with food, my body, and control. The gender is a piece of the situation for me, but part of it is being a person different from what others saw. I have to slowly learn how to express who I am even though it isn't always supported by those around me. But that is so scary.