The final parental rejection

[Guest ThePhoenix]

So my mother and I have been fighting over my trans* status for years now and have not actually spoken since early 2011. She didn't believe me for the longest time, tried to have me get psych evals and so on. Until finally I told her to stop contacting me. She never respected that wish. She has sent unwanted gifts, emails, etc. And I've basically ignored the emails in case she finally came around.

Well, a couple of weeks ago she emailed me about how she was "just concerned" because she knew about the 41% suicide attempt rate and other issues that trans* people face, that we just had a misunderstanding. She says she's been taking classes approved by the American Psychiatric Association and hopes to become a therapist for the trans* community (she is, in fact, a psychologist). I said that was great, and I hoped her getting some education would help put us on a good road, but that I wasn't willing to accept that there was just a misunderstanding and that their had to be accountability for her behavior.

She responded in the usual way by not acknowledging anything I said. Instead, she sent me a multi-page ten point diatribe on how terrible she thinks I am. It's all self-centered and consists almost entirely of half-truths and things just flat made up. I won't post it here because it is incredibly lengthy. But it includes complaints that I never consulted with her about how she felt about my transitioning, I did not send thank you notes for the unwanted gifts, and lots of complaints about how she was near death and I somehow made it worse. She's been "near death" for about 15-20 years now and there's always someone who she claimes pushed her there.

So this morning was one morning when it took hours for me to manage to get out of bed. I really didn't want to get up at all because today was the day I sent her a letter via snail mail telling her that if she does not shape up by the time I move out of my current house at the end of the year, I will permanently sever the ties between us. I think it's a necessity to do that now because I cannot afford to have her continuing to pop up and do this to me periodically for years and years on end. The emotional toll on me every time is just too great.

But I am pretty sure this is the end. And that is the last person from my family I had any kind of contact with at all. So I will have no family at all from this point forward. And I am grieving for the closing of the door, no matter how necessary it is. And really feeling the blues. Most nights I'd be asleep. But on this night, I don't want to sleep just as I did not want to get out of bed this morning.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

On some level it sounds as though your Mother tried to extend an olive branch especially if she is taking training to be a gender therapist. Ultimately only you know what it really best for you, but I would have to say that if you are looking for others to admit their mistakes of their past that is something you will likely never get. My father and I have had a bad relationship for a very long time, and he totally rejected it when I came out as well so much so he threatened to try and file some kind of law suit against me (Never happened of course). Years later its been a mutual thing where we have started to bridge that gap, but never once has he ever really admitted any wrong doing either.. I too desperately wanted that acknowledgement, but ultimately I came to the realization that I would likely never get that validation and I'd be throwing away a relationship that could be salvaged out of my own stubborn attitudes towards him

While he and I still have our arguments at times, he has largely come to accept me as Sarah. I'm not saying that there is a 100% chance of a positive outcome, but if your mom was extending that olive branch then perhaps there is something to be salvaged. Anyways I do hope the situation resolves one or another in a way that lets you move on with your life and find some peace.

[Guest ThePhoenix]

Hi Sarah Faith,

I appreciate the input. Unfortunately, as so often happens with relationships, this seems to be a case where there is the issue you see, and then there are other issues below the surface. In this case, it would be a lot easier to stop fighting if we could stick to things that actually happened instead of accusations of "you said/did this" when it was actually the opposite that was said or done. So why are things being made up? What's this business about almost dying? There's no evidence to support that actually being true and she's been "almost dying" for well beyond ten years now. Always aiming the blame for that at someone else.

If it were as simple as whether she just used the right name and pronouns, I think we'd be okay. But I think the bigger issue is that me being trans* was something that went against her and caused her to lose control over me. So she doesn't approve of me being who I am and she doesn't approve of me being independent of her.

There's a long, long history here that goes back years, and I really would have a hard time explaining it all in a forum. Suffice to say that people I've shown these emails she sends have been asking me for years why I don't cut her off. But I really needed to get that out. It helped. Thank you for that. Grieving is gonna take a while though.

I do give her credit for wanting to help trans* people though . . . If that's even true . . . If she's truly been taking these courses. But it would be nice if she'd believe me about myself instead of telling me that she had to hear from experts in the field before she could believe me.

Like I said . . . Lots going on,

[tracy_j]

Your mother will likely love you deep inside but parental pride and other issues are getting in the way.

It will hurt both of you to completely sever ties!

Only you will know but in my opinion it is best to keep a line open. In your situation I would hope I could express my deep down feelings - cut away the crud!

Even if it is only letting her have a mobile number (purely for contact with her) to just talk occasionally

Just my thoughts

Tracy x

[Charlize]

My parents had both died before i transitioned so i never had to go through that difficulty. I can certainly understand your frustration. I experienced similar feelings with my ex military father during the Vietnam War. We ended up simply not speaking for years.

I've grown a bit since then(am still very much a work in progress) but i try to apply the serenity prayer when i am disturbed by others at this point.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference" I the situation you describe you will not be able to change your mother but with effort you will be able to change yourself to accept her as the person she is. It is hard but if i look at my role in why the other person reacts the way they do i can still maintain a relationship and hopefully will make a better life for them as well as myself. Maybe you can give forgiveness a chance.

Hugs and best wishes,

Charlize

[Guest Jamie61]

My heart goes out to you. ( I have a relation that is very similar, very control oriented in the end. And in my situation, some aspects are just her way and not about me or my gender ). You've gotten some great advice in the responses here. I hope you and your mother will find peace. Maybe your letter and some time for her to grow... Stay open for her to change, just as we ask others to do so.

I will be thinking about you.

Jamie

[Guest ThePhoenix]

I very much appreciate and thank everyone for their input. If I had just come out as trans* and this happened, I would agree with everyone that it was important to keep an open door, and I have indeed often given that advice to others. Unfortunately, we aren't talking about that situation. We're talking about a situation where this has been going on for multiple years now. Like I said, the email is really too long to share because it really is several pages in length--I'd guess about five pages or so. But here are some excerpts. I'll edit them for length and to remove some of the insults and such.

"4. . . . My doctor was very concerned that I seemed unable to comprehend that I could die or acknowledge how ill I was. Over and over she insisted that I had to have known how ill I was. But I didn't. I was in survival mode. Into that circumstance you took it upon yourself to arrogantly assume the position of "family truth teller" and wade into a situation that was dangerous and made it worse. All because you considered your viewpoint to be superior to that of a doctor and the specialists involved. You said you felt insulted because you felt unbelieved? Your own child judging you and showing not one whit of concern that you are in critical condition and choosing that time to heap guilt and blame onto you is more than insulting. Your ill advised letter was dangerous to me and sent me further into danger. But as you believed, arrogantly, that you hold all truth, you either didn't believe my condition was real, didn't care or perhaps even had the audacity to think I was making it up to try and control you."

The "ill advised letter" she is discussing is one I wrote to tell her I was concerned about her health and that she was not getting treated. And she's claiming that I "considered my viewpoint to be superior to that of a doctor" who was "very concerned that [she] seemed unable to comprehend that [she] could die or acknowledge how ill [she] was." Sounds like I'm getting scolded for being one of the people who encouraged her to take her health seriously and get treatment like her doctor was advising. If what she says now is true (and I have good reason to strongly suspect it is much exaggerated) then I helped save her life. But I stand accused of having done the opposite of what I actually did.

"7. . . . Then you announced a name change and a ceremony that you took great pains to tell me that I was to have no part in. Parents invest time, hopes and dreams when they choose a name for their child. . . . If you were the expert you claim to be you would have known that name change announced so bluntly was another sock to the gut and the celebration non-invite was deliberate cruelty."

Well, let's see. I told her I was transition to live as a woman named [my name]. I told her I wanted her to pick a middle name. After about a year and a half of her arguing with me and insisting I wasn't trans*, I had started actively transitioning and reached a point where it was hazardous to walk down the street in male mode. I came close to violence on the streets for being seen as a woman in drag and my work would not allow me to move forward and transition in the workplace without the name change done. So I got it done. And she's upset and claiming surprise. Think about that for a moment . . . It's pretty amazing for a person to be told that you intend to have a certain first name and that you'd like them to help pick a middle name and then claim they are surprised that you changed your name exactly as you said you would.

My church hosted a transition ceremony for me about 3-4 months later. She was still insisting I was not trans*, was just messed up by my father or thought I was trans* because I broke up with my ex, etc. She was still accusing me of putting her life at risk by writing and saying how concerned I was about her health. And so on and so on and so on. So when she demanded and explanation of why I didn't respond to her efforts to travel and meet me somewhere, I told her that I had thought being silent might be less hurtful than coming right out and refusing. I also told her how sad I was that living my authentic life meant living without her and how I wished she had been the one to pick my middle name and how I wished I could invite her to this ceremony. But her aggressive non-cooperation made it impossible. That is my "deliberate cruelty."

"8. And you were less than truthful when you told me Lisa and her friends delighted in "outing" you. That may have happened after you posed as a female and befriended her on line telling her your sister had died. I don't know about that. But she thought you were a friend and confided in you about the problems she was having with her brother. What you did was shabby by anyone's standards."

No idea what she's talking about her. So far as I can remember my life, nothing remotely similar to this has ever happened. As far as I can figure out, either I'm forgetting something really big from my childhood or someone is just telling some lies. No one has ever asked me about any of this or mentioned it to me.

She concludes her diatribe by saying "It gives me no pleasure to say this but you need to hear it. You have become dishonest, arrogant, and unforgiving."

Well . . . In relationships, we see all the time that there comes a point where you have to give up. We see it all the time with divorces, breakups, etc. Sadly, it seems to almost be a tradition for LGBT parents to turn nasty like this to their children.

This has been going on and getting worse for about half a decade now. And I think there comes a time when I too have to admit that things aren't going to change. So how many more years should I live being periodically assaulted by accusations that I did the opposite of what I actually did, made up stories about me, blaming me for the fact that she is prejudiced against trans* people, etc? I think half a decade is enough. It's time to admit things won't change.

[Guest LizMarie]

When necessary, we often discover that we need to walk away from certain people. Sometimes those people are family. It can be hard to do as I grieved greatly over the loss of grandchildren because my sons cut me off. But I can't live their lives for them and if that is how they want to behave then I just need to move on.

"It is better to let someone walk away from you than walk all over you. You don't deserve to be a doormat. Let go of those who have hurt you, and make room for those who actually deserve you and want to treat you well."

[Ravin]

From what I see here, your mother's issues aren't about you being trans. If it wasn't that she'd find more of other things to pick on.

In other words, it's not a GLBT parent thing, it's just a "not everyone is cut out to be a parent" parenting thing.

[Guest ThePhoenix]

I think you're probably largely right, Ravin. Although she has a lot to say about trans* and her prejudices around gender and trans*, I suspect the bigger issue may be about her inability to control me.

Like this:

2. I did have a strong gut level reaction when you told me you were becoming female. You don't know what that was because you never asked how I felt about the whole thing. You had an agenda and everything I said was twisted to fit in that agenda. You know what I felt? What I thought? "Why would you want to be female? Your Dad would then have sexually abused you! You would be "prey" to so many men." Yes, I know it was not your choice to be trans* but that was my initial gut level reaction.

Not that her feelings matter one wit. I am who I am and I have to do what I have to do to live an authentic life. It would be like asking her how she feels about me having red hair.

[Guest Eva Marie]

Sorry to hear about your mother, but I understand when I told my mother she said I was wrong, I must be just gay!! Funny I live in her basement by my self for the last 3 years. And no ones came over and I don't go places. Even after I told her I'm not gay, everything I say is wrong and all I'm doing is hurting her and why am I being that way.....Said she supports me but not to tell her anything. RIGHT......So I hide the real me, did it for years.. Until I move on my way. Then she can either come around or let me live for me. At one point you have to live for you, best of luck

[Charlize]

I was fortunate that my parents did accept me and never pushed one way or the other. I had never come out to them or the world before they passed but they were not the controlling creatures that you describe. I would stay clear. Red hair might be the next issue. Sorry.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest SimplyAlive]

Sometimes it's better for us to choose who are family is. No one's perfect, and although I don't know everything about your situation, perhaps it is best if you permanently sever ties when you move. Should things start changing for the better, maybe you could allow her contact through a separate email address if you want to give it more time.

Family should be people with whom we share trust, respect, love, and support. There is a world of people ready to love us as we are, we just have to find them.

Best wishes and thoughts.