After Coming Out To Mom

[Guest Alix]

Yesterday, I came out to my mother as ftm and she took it pretty well considering. I just can't get self-doubt out of my head. I'm really worried that I'm actually cis (even though I have dysphoria) and I would have to come out to her again but as a girl...I just can't get this out of my mind and was wondering if anyone had any comments.

[Guest]

I always had this "trial" in my head. Like everybody said to me here, you have to go one step at a time. At some point, you will understand if you are cis or ftm I think. For me, at one point, I understood that even if I was making a ton of "sacrifice" (and I do mean a ton) the fact that I accepted myself as a girl, stopped the trial and just tried to be myself was making me more happy then I ever was.

[Charlize]

You are certainly not alone in worrying about getting "it" right. It took me years but perhaps the most important thing was my time with a gender therapist. Parts of my life came together in a way that made some sense. I also found so much here as i read and shared with others.

I'm glad your mom is accepting but it may take you longer to accept your own realities whatever they may be. Best of luck.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Squallsong]

Self doubt is a very difficult issue, and as I recall, it is multiplied tenfold during adolescence. I've heard that CIS people go through this as well...even if it is mostly during their adolescence.

At risk of sounding like a broken record, many of us are into our 40's and beyond before we take that step of conceding to our inner gender. The past decade has seen a drop in the age of SRS applicants, and I attribute this to the availability of information online, plus support and understanding within society, medicine and government. Before that, we would typically move to San Fransisco, or hide our issues until they forced their way through and made us deal with them.

I'm not saying that people should flaunt their sexuality or gender at every whim, but I must state that it is a serious issue. One does not have to "come out" to discuss gender (or sexuality) concerns with a professional. Alix is (according to their profile) 14 and just beginning to discover their sexuality...something that is frequently confusing, and perfectly normal. That does not diminish the importance of questions though! Quite the contrary, that is the perfect time to bring those questions to a professional! It could resolve the fear and discomfort, and provide revelations that if addressed now, will make the next 25 years much easier!

I know I am not alone in stating that I would be a different person today had I sought professional advice when my gender issues first presented...I would not have been permitted to resolve them, but I most certainly would have understood what was happening to me, and that alone would have made my 20's and 30's easier...in fact, I would likely have transitioned in my early 20's if I was aware that my issues were only going to compound and increase as I aged.

For anyone that has seriously questioned their gender or sexuality, confidential consultation with a professional can only benefit...and the sooner the better!

Take care and be well!

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Well as someone who actually came out to my family several times in my teens from as early as 13 or so I can say that I waffled a great deal on it my self. I'd come out and then would feel embarrassed or ashamed (I grew up in a very very southern baptist family) and I'd act like I never came out, or I'd just tell them I was joking or anything to just make it go away. I always knew I was a girl even though there were times where I could forget about it and just try to kinda be normal, but it always would creep back. I don't know that I would say my feelings were the result of doubt in the strictest sense. Though I would say for me at least it was that I didn't want to be different, I didn't want to feel as bad as I did, and I couldn't feel comfortable with my family knowing. I came out several times to them when I was a teenager, but once I got into my late teens, and then 20.. I just gave up.

A huge part of why I gave up was due to much of the bad information that dominated the internet in the late 90s and early 2000s that many of the older transitioners at the time flooded the internet with. (Things like "by 20 HRT is far less effective than it would have been at 18, and that by 25 its 50% effective and by 30 it does very little" stuff like that just really made me feel like it was all hopeless.) Honestly I only came out once and for all to start transition when I was in my early 20s because my health was really suffering from the stress. Even after I came out that is when doubts just like yours hit me again, I so wanted to just take it back again like I did when I was a pre-teen and a teen. I even had other doubts like, what if I'm just some kind of fetishist? Or "What if I just convinced my self I'm trans when maybe I'm really not?" It took me some time for all of that to settle down and for me to get comfortable with the new situation.. Ultimately though my family supported me and things turned out really well for me.

Obviously seeing a therapist is going to be a good step, but another step that I would suggest would be to find some kind of support group or system with people your own age. I know at least back in Colorado they had Teen and Young Adult support groups and I found always found talking with people who were around my own age, or at least transitioned around the same life period as I did as being a really good experience. Getting a chance to talk to other FtM's in your age group can really help you figure things out, and give you someone with similar experiences to lean on.

I know coming out in your teens is really hard, even after you come out it can still be hard.. So I would just say give your self some time to adjust to being out, if you have concerns about your moms feelings it might be helpful to discuss that with her. If she is supportive that will be a huge huge pillar for you regardless of which way you go as you will have someone that you can confide in.

With all that said, I can definitely relate to your situation as it is so similar to where I was as a teen my self. Doubt's on some level are normal and you should never be afraid to explore them if you think they are serious, this is where a therapist and teen support groups can be helpful, and where a supportive parent can be extremely helpful. I know I wouldn't have made it through this whole mess if it hadn't been for my supportive Grandma and Mother. You're definitely not alone in these experiences.