Come out to the family

[Guest Kadaj]

Few months ago, I told to my family about how I feel 'bout my gender identity.

My mother said I'm just confused, because about 2 years ago my boyfriend said he was gay.

This made me suffer a lot, but I felt bad about my identity also before that.

I hate that someone can think this is the cause of my disphory! I know it's not. I understand that it's the most obvious thing to think, but believe me, maybe it just make it worse.

My father thinks the same thing and this make me angry!

The fact is: we told about that just one thing. Now seems like they forgot it, or maybe they just don't want to face reality. Maybe they're afraid of face myself...

All this makes me suffer.

Yesterday happened something which made me nervous: my mother bought me a dress.

Argh! She made me wear it to know if I liked it!!

I threw it away and I went away from her.

My sister followed me, and she asked me if it was for that reason. I said I felt like I've talked to the walls until that moment, like I never said I have a disphory!

She embraced me and said: I love you.

I was about to cry, because I feel like she understands me and she loves me just like I am.

She is the only one who said: whatever you will do, I'm with you.

...I feel like I'm wrong, I don't want to hurt my parents, I feel bad to think to make them lose their daughter. But I feel bad to think I'll never be what I feel to be, what I need to be: their son.

What is your advice?

I feel bad they don't ask me nothing about how I feel, and I feel a lot bad.

But I'm also afraid of talking about that again.

I don't want to let them suffer.

Need an advice.

Thank you

[Guest Kadaj]

The fact is: we told about that just one time.*

Sorry

[Carolyn Marie]

Kadaj, I know how badly this makes you feel, and I am sorry that it's been such a frustration for you. Dealing with parents can be extremely frustrating and heart breaking, because many parents just don't want to deal with this issue. They hope it will go away, they hope you are wrong, and they are scared for you and for themselves. Parent's often feel that their child will face a lifetime of suffering, discrimination and abuse, and want to "save" their child from that fate. That is why it seems like they aren't listening.

Perhaps you can download some helpful information for them. Ask them to read it, and tell them you want to discuss with them what they have read when they've finished. The best advice I can give is to keep trying, slowly, patiently, but be persistent. Tell them what it will mean to you to live the life you want to live, to stop hiding your true self from the world. Explain how living as a girl is making you feel. Tell them that thousands of people around the world have transitioned and are happy and successful, and that denying you isn't going to make it go away. Explain that you will always be their child, but you need to live as the person you are inside.

Perhaps they will listen, and perhaps their attitudes will change. But you need to be prepared for the opposite reaction, too. I wish you all the best.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Ravin]

You might also try framing it very concretely. Tell them you want to see a therapist who specializes in gender issues to help you sort it out. A good GT can be an ally in dealing with parents.

[Guest Kadaj]

Thank you a lot Carolyn, I will try to follow your advice.

Hugs

[Guest Kadaj]

Ravin, I already see a therapist, but she is not specializes in gender issues... but my mum knows I go there for that issue.

I wanted know... is it the same to see a therapist who isn't specializes in gender issues?

Or am I wasting my time?

Waiting for an answer

[Ravin]

Depends on the therapist. There's no special certification, it's just a choice to work with clients on the topic. It's worth talking to your therapist about. A good one will either inform themselves, brush up on the standards of care, and work with you, or else refer you to someone who specializes in the area because they recognize it's outside their expertise.