Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

"He Wasn't Talking To You" & This & That


JJ

Recommended Posts

  • Forum Moderator

There have been a number of small things the past month that made me reflect where I am on this journey-and were validating as well.

A couple of weeks ago I had said something to a checker in a WalMart while my daughter and I checked out and he said 'There you go Mam" as he set a sack on the carousel. It took me aback and my first thought was "There goes my record of it being a couple of years since a stranger misgendered me". My second was "Why?"

In the truck on the way home I mentioned it to my daughter and asked her if she noticed anything that would cause him to call me mam. She gave me her "You are being stupid " look and said "He wasn't talking to you. He was handing my card back with one hand and setting the bag down with the other but he was looking at and talking to ME". I reviewed it mentally and she was right. Even after a couple of years I had leaped to a conclusion. Time to stop being ready to be misgendered -because if I wasn't that would not have been what I thought. My next realization was that it had not upset me. I wasn't hurt by it-just curious what had caused it. A good realization that made me feel stronger and more at peace.

4th of July weekend I was introduced by my daughter's boss to her son's S/O who also works with my daughter. She just gave my name and without any info about me being my daughter's parent. The woman said hello and that was that. No flicker of recognition or reaction of any kind. I smiled and went on watching the fireworks. I thought for about 5 seconds of telling her that we actually knew each other and how, but decided it just wasn't necessary. You see I had directed her in a play and acted with her in a couple before I transitioned so I saw her several times a week for several months but hadn't seen her since. She does know that I have transitioned but didn't realize it was me she was meeting. Nor has she mentioned it to my daughter so the penny never dropped. Somehow it is really validating all around.

Then this past week my granddaughter was on a camping trip with her foster grandmother from her church and a couple of other teens were staying in an RV with a family next door. They were here from another part of the state. They were really nice though a little older. We were invited to the camp out for a cookout Tuesday night and I met and talked awhile with them. My granddaughter's foster grandmother commented on what nice kids they were and how religious they were-I thought briefly as we will about what they might say if they knew my history but just pushed it back and enjoyed the evening. My granddaughter told me yesterday that after we left she explained my history to the teens-and their only reaction was to comment they had no idea and couldn't tell. No condemnation or negative comments. That was it and the friendship went on just as before. Which is validating and cool.

Finally yesterday when we had lunch I think our server was a transman early in transition or just expressing their true gender. Male clothes and hair and manner -but very female voice and skin although at the same time it sounded like the voice was pitched down some. Without a lesbian vibe somehow that is clear but hard to explain. Nice and friendly -best wait person we have had for a long time. But the cool thing was there was no recognition of me. No pegging that I was variant in any way. Because we have to work so hard at being a gender we aren't I think we became very aware and sensitive to any difference in others-and transition puts that into overdrive along with an awareness of how we are perceived (My least favorite reaction is the person who has a problem with it all but is being nice anyway and very aware of what a nice person they are to do so but that's another topic). For a very long time I would get a knowing look from LGBT people. They just knew. But that hasn't been happening lately. Gay men were hitting on me for quite awhile too-I looked like a prosperous older gay guy I suspect. Yesterday in spite of close interaction and a discussion about the meals etc there was nothing. The waitperson had no clue. i think in it's way that is also a milestone. And in a strange way also marks the point at which I no longer care if I am pegged as variant or not. I am seen as me. Just another man. It leaves me with nothing to prove even to myself

All in all I'm in a very good place.

JJ

Link to comment
Guest LizMarie

Congratulations, Johnny! I'm sure that feels great!

Social validation is an important part of the experience of homo sapiens. We are very social creatures. In fact, I just read an article documenting the drop in testosterone levels approximately 50,000 years ago led to a major increase in social structure and complexity among homo sapiens. People who say we should not need external validation should take a few psych classes. Positive external validation is good. We get into trouble when we allow external validation to become a want, and allow ourselves to become fully dependent on it, which we shouldn't do. But every healthy human being needs positive external validation as well as a strong internal sense of self and self-esteem.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Being seen as ourselves with no great effort is definitely something that brings some peace to our lives. You express that so well with a lovely series of events. The oddest one i get now, i suppose, is my relationship with my wife. I look younger as a woman(a blessing?). i've been asked twice if she is my mother. Fortunately she hasn't heard that. I just beginning to become comfortable with my femininity. Declaring myself a lesbian is still difficult. Fortunately saying: "we are very old friends" seems enough. I am really tired of 'coming out'.

Thanks for a wonderful post Johnny.

Hugs,

Charlize

Link to comment

It's good to see that you're in a good place, Johnny, You've overcome many challenges to be where you are. Enjoy it!

I feel like adding my own anecdote...

Yesterday, I made a quick run for takeout. It had been a hot day and I was lounging comfortably; hadn't thought about what I was wearing: I was dressed in a black & white-patterned short skort and a thin pink tee shirt. But I thought, oh what the heck, I'm age inappropriate but will at least give some people a laugh.

However, the two staff people I interacted with were delightfully friendly and gender appropriate. I left there with a sigh of relief, felt like I'd dodged the gender bullet that time!

Yes, validation is good! Sometimes, even when one isn't expecting it, it happens.

Love, Megan

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 277 Guests (See full list)

    • VickySGV
    • Vivelacors
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,091
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Layla Marie hay
    Newest Member
    Layla Marie hay
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Britton
      Britton
      (53 years old)
    2. chipped_teeth
      chipped_teeth
    3. james-m
      james-m
    4. jenny75
      jenny75
      (34 years old)
    5. KASS13
      KASS13
  • Posts

    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Wow, a shop that actually respects a customer's truck?  That seems like a miracle!  My husband does most of his own work, because he really, REALLY hates people who mess with an interior, with grease spots or footprints.  His personal truck is old, but super clean.  And since he's the transportation manager for his company, he's pretty picky about people respecting company equipment.  "Take care of it, and it will take care of you" is the motto.  Drivers should be able to go through a DOT Level 1 inspection without worry. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Literally the word means "hatred of women" and so I don't think that's quite the right description for what you encountered.  Possibly chauvinism?  Or maybe just not wanting to bother somebody he figured wasn't interested or capable of doing the job?  Who knows.   But on the other hand...be glad you're passing
    • VickySGV
      Finally found a site that gives the definition of defemination as a process of loss of feminine characteristics or continued loss of them.  Not a word I would use every day, although I can see where it would be a problem for some who value those feminine characteristics.  Yes I have seen it happen and now get the idea, and yes, not in so many words, but yes I have been up against others who do put down my femininity as being a pseudo female at the most polite and I cannot use the words hear for what it is at the worst.   Online, there is little to do about it except leave and block the people who do it and the places it happens, since it affects you much more heavily and negatively than it does the person doing it, and you need freedom from the stress.  The rules here which our "powers that be", namely the staff say we do not put up with members denying the authentic identity of other members. 
    • VickySGV
      I still maintain my "male" skills and almost have to laugh when that sort of thing happens to me with Cis males, and it does happen.  On the other side there, I have activities with the Trans community  here where I live including Trans Men who love to show off their new lives.  I have had a couple come over to my house and I have done some shop teaching that is always fun.  When they offer to help me by doing "male stuff" in a group, I do not take it as misogyny .
    • Thea
      This guy asked me to help with his tire.  So when I turned around and he saw that I'm a woman he's like,  oh nevermind
    • Betty K
      I think that’s an important point. In my case, I’ve found transitioning to be such a relief and a joy that I have no difficulty focussing on the positives. Maybe in your case you could make a practice of noting when you are gendered correctly? Do you keep a journal? I find doing so is major help.   After saying I rarely get misgendered, it actually happened to me yesterday in a local store. After recovering from my shock (the salesman called me “brother”, which to me is about as bad as it gets) I wrote my first complaint letter to a business w/r/t misgendering. That felt good. I also reflected that, to a degree, for those of us who don’t pass, I think gendering is correctly can take a conscious effort. Some Folks seem to automatically see me as feminine, others have to work at it. So if you’re often surrounded by people who have no desire to work at it, that may exacerbate your problem.      
    • Betty K
      I don’t know why anyone would go to the effort of advocating for trans folks only to charge people to read their articles. It seems so counterproductive, and I seriously doubt they’re making more than pocket money out of it. 
    • KathyLauren
      Oh, how I wish we were over-reacting!  But I don't think we are.  The danger is under-reacting. 
    • Ivy
      I understand your feelings. I have the same fears.  NC has made a swing to the right as well, and I'm not optimistic.  I want to tell myself I'm over reacting.  But seeing what these people are  saying, and doing when they do get into power can't be dismissed.  It's proof of what they will do if they take over the federal government. I'm getting kinda old now anyway.  It took me over 60 years to get here, and I'm not going back.  I suppose they can revert my gender markers, but I will still be legally Ivy.  And I have every intention of dying as Ivy Anna.  If I can't find my hormones somehow, I'll do without.  The physical changes I do have are permanent.   Trans people have always existed.
    • Willow
      @KymmieL I think we all have had to deal with a person who would not apologize when they were wrong no matter what.  In my case it was my MIL. Actually called me a lier I front of my wife.  Even when she realized she was wrong she wouldn’t admit it to my wife, nor would she apologize to my wife for any of the things she later admitted she had done that affected my wife.  I had a boss that accused me of saying things I did not say in a manner I did not use.  Even another employee told him that I had not said the things nor used the words but he still refused to back down.     Unfortunately, all too many people in this world believe they are always right no matter what.  Some are very famous.  lol   Willow    
    • KatieSC
      I wish I could cope as well as others. I feel very defeated in that all of the consideration, and then treatment to transition, could all be wiped out by this time next year with the united effort by the R party to eradicate all that is transgender. I fear that the national election could turn out to our detriment, and we will face a national push to eradicate us. Tracking us down will not be that hard to do. Once they know who we are, forcing the legislation to reverse our name changes, gender marker changes, and other records, will not be that hard. We saw an example when the AG in Texas was data mining the driver licenses for those who had gender marker changes. Who will we appeal to? The Supreme R Court? We would have an easier time trying to convince a Russian court.    We need to get out and vote in November. There is not enough Ben & Jerry's to improve my outlook on all of this. In some ways it is a cruel thing in a way. In the early 1930s, Germany was working hard to hunt down the LGBTQ population and eradicate it. Now Germany has better protections there than we have in many of our own states. About 90 years ago, Germany was seeing the rise of their very own dictator...Now the US is on the verge...Oh never mind. What a difference 90 years makes...    History may repeat itself, but sometimes it shifts the focus a little...
    • Nonexistent
      I have the same problem as you, my face is the main reason why I get misgendered I'm pretty sure. I think it's mostly up to genetics how your face will look (T can help, but still genetics will determine how you end up). You can't change your facial structure really, you can get facial masculinization surgery but it's expensive so not an option for most unless you're rich lol.    Experimentally (I haven't done it but want to), you could see if any plastic surgeons around you will give you Kybella in your cheeks. It is an injection that removes fat, and is usually used underneath the chin/on the neck below the jawline, but some may use it off-label on the face. The only potential problem with this is that if your face would naturally thin out at an older age, it could thin out extra and make you look older (though I'm not certain on this). Another option is to get filler in your jaw/chin, which would make your jawline look more square and your face more masculine. I want jaw filler but I'm poor lol, it only lasts one year up to a few years depending on what kind you get, so it would have to be done every so often and can get expensive. I did get chin filler once, only 2 small vials so it didn't make that big of a difference. I would recommend going for the jaw if you can only choose 1, I wish I had done that.   Those are the only options I know of that will bring legitimate noticeable changes.
    • April Marie
      Welcome to the forums, Blake!! We are happy that you found us!!
    • Mmindy
      Good evening Blake.   Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums.   Best wishes, stay positive and motivated.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Nonexistent
      Thank you.    Trans men and trans women each have their own struggles for sure, but I agree, it can be a hard time to be a non-passing trans guy. There is no specific "man clothes" that only men wear. People could just think I'm butch (which sucks to think about, if people think I'm a lesbian when I'm a dude!!). I mean I would feel better if I got gendered correctly even if I don't fully pass, it would maybe raise my confidence to think maybe I do pass well lol! Instead I'm just reminded I don't.   Though I may just focus on the times I don't pass and ignore the times that I do. Because I rarely remember getting gendered correctly, but I hone in on the times that I don't. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...