The art of NOT getting asked out

[Guest ThePhoenix]

One problem I don't think I was quite prepared for was the difference in how often I now get asked out on dates by men versus how often I used to get asked out by women. Now, it is starting to seem like I can't leave the house without some guy asking me out on date. For example, I was keeping a friend company while movers were moving her out of her house today. One of the moving crew ended up asking me out.

I am not interested in dating anyone. I'm asexual, so I don't have the sexual needs that most people have. And I've always found dating to be an experience that was not worthwhile or enjoyable. So I just don't want to do it. And I am starting to feel a bit unsafe and worried that I may be doing something without knowing it that will cause guys to accuse me of leading them on or lead to one not taking no for an answer and, well . . . then bad things happen like rapes and things like that.

Any suggestions on what I can do to reduce the number of date requests or at least keep myself safe in saying no?

[Guest]

Wear a wedding ring. It won't stop the date requests, but is a nonverbal, polite way to say no.

In my case, hanging out with my spouse who is younger and better looking works too - she gets the attention instead.

But, enjoy the compliments - it's good for the soul!

Love, Megan

[tracy_j]

I have not quite got to that stage as I have had interest from men but kept a very low profile and crept away as I am worried about their reaction when they realise I am male. Perhaps more experience will make it easier but I am easily flattered so respond favourably to attention without realising it.

I think Megan has it with the ring. It is something which, these days, would likely work for ftm as well but as most women are not so sexually agressive perhaps less of an issue. Not being alone also has it's virtues!

Tracy

[Charlize]

Megan's suggestion of a wedding ring has gotten me out of a couple of problems. I started wearing mine right after i transitioned and it helps. Sometimes i've got to remind some of the more obnoxious chaps what it means but they certainly know i'm not leading them on. There is also the matter of dressing conservatively which helps as well.

Enjoy but as you say it can become annoying and some jerky guys could be dangerous.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Daughter]

I don't leave the house a lot now days but a lot of people check me out when I leave the house, I'm online more than anything now because of insecurities but I also get flirted with online more than you would think. I know this is sorta bad but I just give the person a wrong number every time they ask, to avoid explaining myself or who I am

[gennee]

I have a wedding ring on my finger so that may eliminate some of it. It won't stop people from asking for a date. I used to get some hits online when I started out from dates to marriage proposals.

[VickySGV]

I want to know what the rest of you are doing!! It is not happening to me!! I have no problem talking to people or getting honest to gosh compliments on something I am wearing, or on my hair, but nothing I identify as being "hit on". I am open and confident, and while I give honest open smiles, I think they are a little more aggressive than maybe I intend, but I guess I do not come out as a flirt or something.

[Guest ThePhoenix]

This is one of those things that is pretty hard to talk about because of the number of reactions like this I get. It poses problems for me, up to and including safety problems. But most trans* people seem to respond by totally invalidating the issue and treating the problem as something desirable. Yes, sometimes it is flattering, and sometimes not. But sometimes not. You'd be amazed at how often it puts me in the position of deciding how best to get out of the situation without insulting some guy who might decide to beat the tar out of me or worse.

As far as what I'm doing to make it happen, I have no idea. As far as I know, I'm not doing anything. If I knew what I was doing, I would stop doing it so I would no longer have the problem. But I'm just existing here. . . .

The only things I can say are that:

(1) I am extremely passable in voice, appearance, and manner. To the point where I get called a liar when coming out as trans* to people. I am not beautiful, but I am passable.

(2) I am downright girly. I don't come across as "butch," "mannish," or any of those other things that women are sometimes called. It's not a matter of liking to wear makeup and frilly things. I'm girly while wearing a plain blue tshirt and dark shorts or jeans. I just am. I have no clue why.

(3) I'm in my 30s, but people say I look like I'm in my early 20s.

(4) I'm very natural. Sometimes you can tell when a person is trying to put on an act. There's just a little something not quite right. But I'm just being myself and doing what comes naturally without thinking about it. Therefore I generally come across as genuine to other people.

I do understand that this experience could seem extremely validating to a lot of people and therefore very desirable. But bear in mind that we are talking about something that easily crosses the line from flattering attention to sexual harassment. Like when the guy I used to play chess with at a chess club found me on Facebook after I said no to a date and started posting suggestive posts all over my wall. And it can seem scary. Like last week when I was helping a friend move and I was in one of the back rooms checking for things left behind. All the other movers were gone outside. My friend was elsewhere behind a closed door using the bathroom. And the one mover still in the house came in the room, stood between me and the door, propositioned me, took me into his arms, and asked for a date. My main consideration was about the fact that I was kind of stuck and just wanted to get out without getting hurt.

So yes it's validating that people see me as a woman and treat me accordingly. But . . . one thing all of us should probably be aware of is that you get the bad things about it too. Not just the good ones. Be careful what you ask for . . . you may get it.

[tracy_j]

Ok I'm not quite that deep but I can understand where you are coming from. A while back I was approched by someone online and suddenly found what it was like to be a woman faced (online) by a sexually aggressive male. I admit I was somewhat scared for a while until it clicked and I went back into male mode. I then understood perfectly and realised that things were not really as intense as they seemed. The perception is different from a female viewpoint (at least mine). My respect of women and what they face increased greatly at that point!

From then on I could handle it, but I can see that things would be harder 'in the flesh'

Tracy

[Guest ThePhoenix]

It is harder in the flesh . . . .

I think this is one of those things where your own point of view matters a lot. And that point of view is probably shaped a lot by lived gender. If you've lived the life of many men, then you've probably had to be the one doing the asking, which takes a lot of courage. You've probably never experienced feeling like sexual prey. But you may have felt burned by some women who were not nice in saying no or who made you feel that you had been led on. Being the one who is asked probably feels like it would be really nice. And it's really hard to relate to that being a serious issue. It seems more like a compliment that would be nice to have. That doesn't just evaporate when that ostensibly male person comes out as trans* and transitions to living as a woman. Lots of that learning and experience remains and continues to affect people in their post-transition lives.

If you've lived the life of many women, then you've probably been the one asked. But you may have also found that you feel like prey that is being hunted. You are constantly reminded of how vulnerable you are to some guy who decides to take what he wants. And that's a scary feeling. Being the object of sexual desire from men can be flattering. But you have to beware because that flattery can be a lovely wrapping around a dangerous package. That doesn't evaporate either when an ostensibly female person comes out and transitions to living life as a man. Lots of that learning and experience remains and continues to affect people in their post-transition lives.

I'm generalizing very broadly here and dramatically over simplifying things. And of course there are many exceptions to the above. But I feel like it maybe helps to explain attitudes among both trans* and cis people when it comes to things like sexual harrassment.

I don't know . . . It's just a thought.

[Guest SimplyAlive]

I'm asexual as well, and I often wonder if I'm being 'too friendly' and giving people the wrong idea.

Sadly the only thing I can recommend is keeping to yourself, not smiling too much, and acting occupied with something. A little depressing to recommend, but it seemed to work when I was younger (and pre-FTM-transition).

The wedding ring idea sounds like a better option.