I came out to my kids tonight, it was tough and a little sad...

[Guest Jamie61]

I feel horribly sad for my son (22), as I he must think he just lost his dad today. I can't begin to tell you how worried I am about him. I love them so much and I know that it must be devastating for him. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't take it back and I don't know that I would. But damn its hard to see your own affected like that.

My daughter (26) was great and I think her acceptance ( which I'm guessing will bounce up and down for awhile) affected my sons reaction, as if to say " am I the only one voting NO here?" Obviously different for each. She text me that she loved me and went with my son when he stormed off. It was very sad to see him go like that.

I pray he comes around... worried.

Jamie

[VickySGV]

My 40 year old daughter was my nay-sayer for about the first 4 years after I came out to her, but even she has gotten to the point where she is now using my name, as I asked her to in public and correct pro-nouns. It took a bit of work to convince her that the "Dad" she insisted that I had killed off never really existed, and she has come to accept it grudgingly, Never the less, she comes to me as much for the same stuff (including money) that she did when I was "Daddy". The complaint now is that I have not changed enough!! I then point out the subtle changes that have occurred, such as my being calmer with her, and showing affection better as well as frankly handling her baloney more effectively. My youngest daughter was supportive, but tried to use that to manipulate me in her own way. My son has adapted smoothly, but we have not really met all issues that I am sure are hiding in his attic, but I am being patient. (I was single parent to my three for their teenage years while their mother was working on BiPolar issues and was not in our lives then,.) I had been dual gender parent to them, but not out as Trans* for reasons of my ancestral family. <Huge drama there.>

If the emotion your son is experiencing is grief, grief does have a known pattern of resolving itself, and it may be possible for the two of you to have guidance from a professional counselor to help it resolve itself. You are still the parent that performed the Dad duties, and you will not change so dramatically that you cannot still keep a continuum in your son or daughter's life. At their ages though there is another change worth making, the change from Adult to Young Child over to the Adult to Adult Child which is a new and wonderful relationship all by itself.

[Carolyn Marie]

I had the same experience about 4 years ago with my son, who was then 17. I was lucky in that he took it very well from the beginning. But it often does take time; time for him to get over the grief and shock, time to understand what it all means, time to realize that you are doing what you're doing not to hurt him, but to help yourself, and that it will help him too, in the long run.

Give him some space, let him know that you are available to talk and answer any question, and let him know that no matter what you look like on the outside, you are still his parent, and you still love him. I hope it works out for you, and that you won't be estranged.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Kalie Aowynn]

Hey Jamie,

Affectively as he might be seeing it is he is losing his dad. He will go through a variety of emotions over an unknown period of time tantemount to grief. My wife went thru about a month of off and on crying screaming and stretches of quiet. She had just lost her husband to another woman so to speak. one within. I imagine he will deal with it in his own way maybe with a little help from the daughter and may well come around and be able to look at you and address you in a new way.

This is going to take time and a lot of patients. Just let him deal and understand you are there to answer any questions when he is ready. I am pretty sure others have said the same thing lol. Good luck hun and stay strong for him.

[Charlize]

Jamie my son's reaction at the age of 38 was different. He didn't leave when he first saw me but he turned his back and for several months would not look at me. He lives in a separate house on the farm with his family. His children(my beautiful grandkids were curious for a week or so and then i was old hat. It took my son several months and i still have to get on him a bit to not out me to a stranger who has come to the farm. I don't know if he will achieve proper pronouns or if i will achieve an ability to be very openly out. Please don't feel badly. It hurts but with any luck both of you will come around given some time.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Cyndee]

Awww Jamie, you're right, it can't be taken back, and it's so hard. This news really hits harder on older children as a rule, and for the MTF parent coming out it sure can be harder for the older sons. The best things you can do, are the same routines, the same responsibilities, and demonstrate your capabilities are unaffected by the news, actions speak louder than words at this point. As my friends above elude to, time is needed here, lot's of time. This is only phase 1, ground zero if you will. This news may be shared outside the home, as friends or other relatives are sought to share their grief, it can get quite complex at this point. There will be a denial phase and may you make it to the bargaining phase, which sounds like will be way different for both of them, but when they are ready to talk some more, you'll know. Best to keep on keepin' on.

I did this with my daughters almost 4 years ago, they were 16 and 19 then. It's not been easy, but with a lot of love, patience, I have reached the point of going out in public with my entire family since transition. I never gave up the title of Dad, I don't mind them using it, their Dad is a girl and becoming a woman, life indeed goes on. Love wins in the end...

Hugs

Cyndi -

[Guest LizMarie]

My two sons reacted badly and have never recovered. They do not speak to me and do not let me see my grandchildren by them. I hope you have better luck than I did.

[Guest Kalie Aowynn]

My two sons reacted badly and have never recovered. They do not speak to me and do not let me see my grandchildren by them. I hope you have better luck than I did.

I am so sorry to hear that hun. I know it must be rough for you. I hope life throws a twist of fate your way and brings you and the kids back together hun.

[Guest Jamie61]

Well Cyndi was right on the button as my son is seeking support from other family. Today was a difficult day of coming out over the phone to those in a position to support my kids ( adults as they may be). I feel pretty bad for both of them. I was really just asking to be known for who I really am and for some measure of acceptance. I can't imagine not having them in my life. Let's hope that doesn't happen. I did text them both that I love them. I will take the advice to carry on....

I know I'm not going through anything unique but damn this is difficult cuz it's my kids. Maybe I should have handled it better.

Jamie

[Guest Jamie61]

LizMarie, I am very sadden to hear that about your sons. I hope you will reunite with them soon.

Love,

Jamie

[Ravin]

There's no one perfect way to handle it. They are adults. Part of adulthood is learning and accepting that your parents are more complex and flawed than a child's eyes see.

[Guest LizMarie]

It's been two years, Jamie. I've grieved over this and moved on. I can't open that door. They have to do that. It's not locked from this side. It's locked from that side. And that's a lesson I had to learn - they made this choice, not me. I made a different choice and they willfully chose to react as they did.

[KathrynJulia]

Hi Jamie

So many of us have similar experiences that you have had. There is no way to know what our loved ones reaction is going to be when we step out of the closet. Shortly before I came out, I purchased 4 copies of Mildred Brown's True Selves. I mailed out a copy to my sister, brother, daughter and son. When I told them, I asked them to read Mildred's book as it could explain my situation far better than my feeble explanation. I was amazed when my son read the book cover to cover. He can barely finish the Sports Page. My sister was much more understanding of my feelings after she read the book. Give a copy of True Selves to your loved ones and let it explain for you, Kathy

Edited August 20, 2014 by VickySGV
Corrected author's name.

[Guest Jamie61]

Thanks Kathryn! I was excited to read your update today ( minus the credit card problem). I pictured you there getting all pampered, feeling all good about yourself! Congrats again! I was just on my local library system looking for some specific books, at first, then very general searches for transgender material. Very suspicious to me that there aren't more titles. I will look for your suggestion. I was also looking at a book called " The Gender Book" which my GT showed me. ( also one "She's Not There" ) Trick is to get my son to talk to me first. My therapist told me I have to wait until he says it's time to talk, so I send him a text per day saying "I love you and I'm here for you".... I guess I should have sought that advice first, I never dreamed that he wouldn't at least talk to me.

I do agree that education is important. My daughter, bless her heart said the most amazing things to me when I was coming out to them. She told me later that she took a (whispering now) 'human sexuality' class at the university. I think that made a great difference in her reaction. Also, I told her the next day that I had a weird request. She said .... " can it get any weirder". Too funny.

Thanks for everyone's support and perspective, I value you all!

Love,

Jamie

[Guest Jamie61]

Happily I update this thread to say that my son started talking to me. He just doesn't want to discuss "it". And he's definitely still processing which is ok. I feel fortunate. I did order some books and hope to give him one ( thanks Kathryn) to read, if he will. I spoke to both kids together and yet my daughter seems to be understating what I said ( thru follow up conversation), while my son is overstating it based on his reaction. Go figure. So I'm going to let it rest for a bit. Wheww. Tough stuff.

Thanks everyone,

Jamie

[KathrynJulia]

I pray for your continued success Jamie. I remember all the fears I had bottled up inside when I came out to my adult children. Like you Jami, my children are my dreams, my hopes and my love Like you. we love them, pray that we can continue to love and keep their respect. children evolve as the years go by. Good luck and success. I pray they learn tolerance toward you and realize that the love they had for them as dad isn't lost because you are changing your outward gender and presentation. They get to keep the best of both. hugs girl, Kathy

[Cyndee]

Happy news indeed with your son Jamie, this process can play out over years.

Best wishes for continued understanding.

Cyndi -

[Guest DianeATL]

I am proud of you and wish you and your family the best.

If you study the grieving process (which is what he is going through) there are discerable steps to watch for.

First is Denial - No you are not - If I vote no it will go away, then

Anger - why are you doing this to me, I hate you and never want to see you again then

Negotiation - maybe you can be fem around others and go back to being male with me -

Acceptance -

Everybody moves through the process at different speeds and certainly counseling can help. I am currently in the negotiation stage with my wife as she seeks to tolerate without disruption. I am being patient hoping for the next stage.

Hugs

[Guest Jamie61]

Thanks Everyone, I must admit I felt a little teary eyed reading those words "I'm proud of you". I know my little moment of peace is about to be rocked as apparently my family told my ex... I guess you don't get to come out to too many people... They start doing it for you. Here we go!

Love!

Jamie

[Guest Jamie61]

Well... I finally had a short conversation about (it) with my son! He had been reading about it and even gave me a white paper on some effects of E. I feel like he is doing what he can to support me ( maybe not a great amount) but very significant none the less!

I sincerely hope that everyone who is estranged from family can either reunite or find some peace. Negative reaction from family is a very difficult aspect of this journey.

Peace!

Jamie

[Guest]

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[Carolyn Marie]

Sometimes it just takes time, Jamie. Some kids and other family need more time than others. I think you're doing a great job of being persistent but not in-your-face about your transition. It is a fine line to walk, knowing when and how much to back off, and when not to. I hope things continue to progress for you and yours.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Jamie61]

Well.... I had a second 'conversation' with my son. Kinda of a big hug, cry, hug, gentle head butts, hug, crying talk. I am very drained by this and while it seem good for me regarding his future attitude towards me, I feel so much remorse over putting my son through this, it must be very difficult for young adult children to deal with.

[Guest]

Huggs, Girl.

[Cyndee]

Truth can be handed out in small doses,

Hugs

C -