Yet more casualties of my Transition

[Guest ToriLynn]

Today I found out that a group of my friends all got together and snub me for being transgendered. These are people that I would have given my last penny to if they needed help and asked for it. I rebuilt the inside of ones house by myself after hurricane IKE gutted it, and he had surgery, never asking for anything in return. I am very careful on who I call friend and whereas losing acquaintance’s is no big deal to me, If I have decided to call you friend it is because I truly believe that you are a friend and that I am willing to do anything for you. Because of that losing people I consider “Friends” is very hard on me.

It just amazes me that there is so much animosity toward us for correcting what I consider a birth defect. Since when is that wrong? I understand that it is difficult for people to understand what we go through and I don’t expect them to, but in a world that preaches about how tolerant they are there is so much intolerance. The sheer bigotry in it is disgusting to me and really makes me, at times, want to tell everyone to go jump off a cliff. Who are we threatening, who are we bothering and who are we hurting being who we are.

There were many ancient cultures that were very accepting of those individuals like us. It makes me think we have not evolved at all, we just keep regressing. Technology keeps getting better yes but humanity is just getting worse.

Very frustrated and Very upset and in need of a Hug

Tori

[Michelle 2010]

HeyTori. Sorry to hear how it's going. Big hugs to you sweetie....

My experience has cost me a long term marriage, has distanced a brother, and taken a friend out of my life. The good news is that as these things have o"ccurred, I have picked up new friends, gained a church, and found a partner who I wish god had placed in my life years ago. it may be hard in the beginning. But if we keep receptive to the doors that are opening rather than focus on the ones closing, new and wonderful things will occur.

I expect my relationship with my brother will straighten out. The others are gone and have been replaced with people who love me for who I am, not who they think I should be. And who knows... The friends may yet come around.... Leave the door open to them. It isn't easy for them either, right?

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest otter-girl]

Hi.

OK the measured response follows....

These people are clearly not worthy. It is very sad that you must be exposed to their poor qualities while you could have done with some support. Some may be acting out of cowardice but that is no excuse. While it is bad now, I do hope you can look back one day with a 'good riddance' view. Michelle above sums it all up very nicely.

Hugs

Rachel.

[Charlize]

I have had a few losses through my transition but for the most part i've been accepted. I'm still waiting for my favorite cousin to come around. I did a lot of work for him and his son but he just can't accept me now. It is simply in his old school perception of gender rigidity. Maybe he will grow. I do hope so as i miss him. Fortunately his wife has called so the road isn't completely closed.

I will share hugs as i know how much we need them at times. Better things are coming and it is time to leave that behind and move on. I'm definitely leaving the door open even if it may let a few bugs in. I suggest you do the same as some take a long time to find a way to accept us.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest amanda_s]

hi maybe you should remind that so called friend what you did for them. sorry to hear this hope that others are smarter and sty as real friends. i cam out to a friend of 23 years and hes ok so next year when i go full time he will be there when i need him. he says i am happier then he has ever seen me. one down how many more to go?

[Guest sweetcharlene41]

Hi Tori, those so called friend's were fair weather friend's, their around when they need something and no there when you need them, so dump them. There are plenty of good people who would love to be your friend, I'm sure, because ( and I say this unequivocally, your a good person). Just be careful and choosy, some people are out to befriend us for one reason, thats why I keep my cross dressing to myself. Some may say thats wrong, but it's my way of staying safe, and there are many folks on Laura's who would gladly be your friend, so my dear, good luck and god bless hugs, sweet charlene

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Like you I am very careful in who I have called friend over the years, and my greatest fear at this point is for them to do to me what yours have done.

In the end I know I would still survive such a response from them but it would suck if it did happen.

I dont know if rationalizing what you did for them in the past as a means of inflicting guilt will be beneficial,and will somehow overcome their dislike for you now, i doubt it very much.

The rebuilding of that persons house can still be enjoyed by you for you, as a reminder as to the type of person you really are it doesnt have to be thought of in terms of trading it for friendship .

You did it because you ARE a compassionate person even if they cant see that through the dress you wear now.

The fact remains not everyone can show the amount of caring and willingness to help as you have and at some point, and in "their" own time they may come to realize that shunning you was actually a very bad idea for them because finding a friend like you to replace you is going to be rather difficult for them as very few are capable of giving of themselves as you have.

Hold your head high and just know nobody can take away the caring of your soul unless you let them.

Who knows maybe one day soon there will be a reminder happen in their lives that will force them once again to realize how wonderful helpful and caring you really are and when nobody is there to fill those shoes the light may suddenly turn on and the courage it takes to openly accept and be your friend may finally be there once again for everyone to see.

You did your part now its up to them to do theirs,in the mean time someone else now can enjoy the fruits of your kindness as you are,who and when is all part of the journey.

Brenda

[Guest ToriLynn]

I have lost my wife of 16 years, half my family, and all but four friends and acquaintances during my transition and I am sure I will lose more as time passes. I am not the type of person who will guilt someone into anything. My issue is just the fact that the hypocrisy keeps growing and I am about to explode from it. One of my friends whom I lost was gay, and I lost them because, get this, they can not agree with my "Choice". If that is not the most hypocritical thing I have ever heard in my life. Transitioning is just making me question trusting any so called friend ever again. Why should I ever go out of my way to ever help anyone again since it is never going to be appreciated by them. I am just becoming very jaded and cynical the longer my transition goes and the more people treat me badly because I am trying to just live my life.

Tori

[Guest AndreaSC]

"Transitioning is just making me question trusting any so called friend ever again. Why should I ever go out of my way to ever help anyone again since it is never going to be appreciated by them."

Is that the type of person you really want to be, someone who is only helpful in order that she be appreciated?

We both know that's not true, just as we know that there will always be people who are no better than pond scum. If you were a good person before transitioning you are still a good person. You will meet new people, many of whom won't care about your medical history even if you decide to confide in them. Keep on being a good person, and your life will be filled with the good type of person.

[Michelle 2010]

I agree the Law of Attraction is real. There are many people I've met, particularly in progressive churches, who are accepting and judge by the content of character when making new friends.

Michelle

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Yes you loose friends in transistion but, if you are in a Texas Metro commute zone there are many new ones just waiting to meet you. I spent several weeks in Dallas in the 80's meeting the most friendly group of LGBT people that I have found anywhere. We did several TG-CD bar hopping sesions ending up at an after hours bar filled with folks in tuxes and gowns, heavy leather and us girls! Everyone having a whole lot of fun. Thats also when I found out I was getting too old for after hours bars but, thats another story! Even without the partying there some great folks in Texas. Rural areas are still a problem but, smaller cities still often have a community. If yours does not, you may have to consider relocating. But, don't think that everyone with a cowboy hat is out to get you. Read thru the pages of this website and see that we wear our skirts with pride at Rodeo's! http://www.igra.com/mission-history/about-us/

[Guest ToriLynn]

I am just so incredibly amazed by people. I have always been "the" friend that those I call friends can always count on. And, I am not the woman who thinks she has a millions friends, but when i do call you a friend it is for life and even if i have not talked to you in ten years i will still be there to help you. In my entire life I have 10 friends, and out of all of them i have lost all but two. How people can turn their back on those they called friends just boggles my mine. This transition has just shown me that most people do not put any meaning behind that word, they talk good and act good but the moment it is tested it means nothing. I do not know if i will call anyone new i meet "friend" ever again, since I will never trust whether or not they put any true meaning behind it. I am lucky that i kept two of them i guess, but my transition has jaded me and I hate that it has. But good riddance to bad rubbish.

Hugs

Tori

[Guest Mickey]

The one person that I just knew I could count on turned out to be the one that is not the friend I thought he was. That breaks my heart but I also understand that it is a good thing to find out now. Too bad he chooses to not witness just how much happier I am these days, his loss.

On the other hand, since I've come out I've met some new friends. They know that I'm trans, and they don't care. They respect me, as me, they use the right pronouns. They treat me just like one of the ladies. They make an effort to communicate with me, and if they don't hear from me in a few days, they call me, or text me. They act like a friend, they do the things that a friend does for somebody they care about. The things that we do for our friends.

My point is this, if you are happy being yourself, that will attract others. Pay attention to how people act and choose your new friends accordingly. But first you must see to your own happiness. Happy people attract other people to them.

[Michelle 2010]

At thirty eight years old I suppose I thought somewhat the same way about friends and other things. I dealt in absolutes and had "standards" that I tried to live by that I thought were not only good for me but for you as well. Later in life I learned that one of the primary sources of frustration and resentment in my life was thinking my values should be applied to those around me and that they "should"do what I thought was right. Today I try to accept people as they are rather than as I think they should be. As stated earlier, I lost a wife and a friend who I nursed through the death of her partner (and my best friend). Both felt like betrayal but ultimately I have no control over others and I have a choice of being miserable or "wearing life like a loosely fitting garment". As my new spouse says, lions will be lions, zebras will be zebras, and people will do what they do..

I hope that you get through the pain of loss and are not embittered by the experience. Ultimately, friends will be replaced by new ones if we remain the type people who are open to friendship and don't close the door to that valuable vibrant experience.

Hugs

Michelle